August 28, 2005
Tell me about your favorite stuffed animal.
Here it is:
(click to enlarge)
It's not particularly handsome, but then again, it's hand-made by me, and actually isn't TOO bad for my first try.
Back in my Navy days (1988 or so), I was stationed in Alameda, CA. I had a few months before our next cruise, so I decided I'd impress the crap out of TNT (who was Beloved Girlfriend back in those days) by hand-sewing her a teddy bear. I was no stranger to needle & thread, so I figured it couldn't be THAT hard.
Trip to the library, find a book on the subject, photocopy the relevant portions. Easy.
Trip to the big-ass fabric store, ignoring all the "what the hell is a man doing alone in a fabric store" looks from the women, poke around for a while, buying fake fur, tan felt, plastic eyes, embroidery thread, and a bag of stuffing. Easy.
The actual assembly process... not so easy. Transferring patterns onto the material, careful cutting, and a bazillion tiny stitches. I tell ya, fake fur is a very loosely woven material, and not easy to make a tight seam with. Plus I was simply NOT cut out for embroidery work. The nose is uneven & lopsided. Looks like he was in a barfight.
The cool thing about it, though, is that the arms & legs move. I'm just glad the fabric store sold plastic doll joints. The pattern called for making my own out of brass paper fasteners & cardboard discs, which was just a little too old-school for MY taste.
Anyway, the bear was well-received, and TNT has kept it safely tucked away these many years, even through all the times I was no longer involved in her life.
She's sentimental like that.
And I'm REALLY glad she kept it, because there'll be pinapple plantations in Alaska before I ever go through THAT again :-/
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1. You Are Different and That's Bad2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Bruce
4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
Silly boy forgot about "Pretty, Pretty Fire".
Anything else he overlooked?
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I was thinking of referring to these hypothetical bloggers as "4th generation", but then I wondered if they should be "5th generation", because maybe I should count myself as 1st.
Any ideas?
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10:24 AM
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So I wandered into the IMAO break room for a cup of coffee to find the lovely and talented SarahK sitting there looking glum...
HARV: Mornin' Sarah. You're looking remarkably underweight today. Why so sad?
sarah: i was just thinking that the imao readers give us so much... we should do more to give back to the community... something charitable
HARV: Well, all the writers that Frank adopted have agreed to not take any money so that Frank J. can shower you with sparkly diamonds. That's sorta like charity.
sarah: i like diamonds! they're shiny and pretty! like the eyes of happy children! you should do something for children so that they look more like diamonds.
HARV: I already help children by beating them up and stealing their lunch money, thus forcing them to work harder to earn replacement money, which improves the economy. EVERYBODY wins!
sarah: ummmm.... maybe there's another way to help children. there's an ad here in the paper that says this summer camp is hiring counselors. i'll bet that would make kids happy. you should apply.
HARV: Well... it IS in Iowa, and I *do* need to do some research for that upcoming podcast...
sarah: great!... oh, and if you see frank on your way out, tell him my diamond collection needs polishing.
...so I went to Iowa, passed the interview by virtue of being able to fog a mirror, and soon found myself in the orientation room getting instructions from the leader of the camp - Glenn Reynolds...
GLENN: Hello, teammates! Welcome to the Glenn Reynolds Super Happy Lucky Fun Dancing And Concentration Camp For Kids. As you know, I'm a big fan of communism, and one of my favorite commies, Hugo Chavez, was recently threatened with assassination by Pat Robertson. I thought I'd cheer him up by sending him a video of dozens of American children doing the robot dance, since NOTHING says "Yay! Communism!" like a good robot dance.
As counselors, your job will be to teach these kids how to dance. We're on a tight schedule, so if the kids start getting tired, just give 'em puppy shakes until they perk up.
Now hop to it, people!
...unfortunately, I was busy listening to the latest IMAO podcast & didn't catch everything he said, so...
HARV: All right kids, we're here to build robots for France, so... YOU!... [squints at nametag]... Timmy... you look the most like Jimmy Neutron... here's a box of toy light sabers. Grab your nerdy little friends & make robots out of these.
TIMMY: No problem, Mr. Harvey... say, what do you want these robots to do?
HARV: Well, they're going to France, so program them to engage in random acts of violence.
TIMMY: But Mr. Glenn said something about making them dance...
HARV: Huh?... oh... then give them guns so they can shoot at the Frenchman's feet. THAT'LL make 'em dance.
TIMMY: But I think Mr. Glenn said that the ROBOTS should dance.
HARV [high pitched mocking voice]: Mr. Glenn said! Mr. Glenn said!... FINE!... make them dancing robots... with guns!
TIMMY: But I can't make bullets out of plastic toys! I need gunpowder for that.
HARV [rolling eyes]: They are NOT paying me enough to put up with this cr... HERE! Here's some baseball bats! Just make it so they swing at those stupid surrender monkeys' legs!
TIMMY: So... what kind of dance should the robots do? Break? Ballroom? Tango? Waltz? Disco? Dirty?
HARV: I DON'T CARE! I'm trying to write Fun Facts About Iowa and I'm still twenty corn jokes short! Just go with that first one you said! Now leave me alone before I beat you up and take your lunch money!
...the night of the big dance videotaping arrived...
HARV [to self]: "now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pick my ear". HA! Pure genius!
TIMMY: The robots are finished, Mr. Harvey. Can we please eat, sleep, or go to the bathroom now?
HARV: Huh?... uh... yeah, whatever. I think Reynolds said there were some guppy cakes or something in the mess hall. Just give me the remote control for the robots... Oh! AND your lunch money.
...I marched the robots up to the stage where Glenn Reynolds was demonstrating the choreography for the production...
HARV [glancing over keypad]: Let's see... AH! "Break"... There they go... uh oh... this doesn't look right... I think I need to find Timmy...
...later, in the mess hall...
HARV: Timmy, it's not that I don't appreciate all your hard work, but when I pressed "break", the robots all started smashing Evil... I mean MR.... Glenn's kneecaps with their baseball bat arms. Not that I mind, you understand, but I *am* a little confused.
TIMMY: Hmmm... let me see that remote... OH! *I* see!... just a typo in the program. It says "break danceR" instead of "break dance". Sorry about that.
HARV [tousling Timmy's hair]: Don't worry about it, ya little scamp. My work here is done. I'm going home. Thanks for all your help, Timmy.
TIMMY: Does that mean you're going to give me my lunch money back?
HARV: Don't push you luck, kid.
...a few days later, back at the IMAO break room, I bumped into SarahK again...
sarah: i heard you liberated an entire camp of innocent children while crippling glenn reynolds for life. now that's what i call giving back to the community! i'll bet those kids had the prettiest, shiniest eyes!
HARV: It went even better than I'd hoped. I finished Iowa, got $53 in change, plus some of the kids even gave up their cell phones. I smell an economic boom ahead.
sarah: any diamonds?
HARV: Nah. But I did get a gold tooth from this one kid who was a little slow reaching for his wallet... here, you can have it.
sarah: oo! it's pretty and shiny!
HARV: And the best part is that - with Reynolds being in the hospital and unable to blog - he's no longer number one in the Ecosystem. It's Michelle Malkin's blogosphere now, and... uh oh...
sarah: STOP TALKING ABOUT MICHELLE MALKIN! SHE'S NOT PRETTIER THAN ME! I'LL KILL YOU! DIE! DIE! DIE!
[gunshots]
...so as I lay here in the hospital getting my bullets removed, it occurs to me that the next time the nurse comes by to take my temperature, I should probably try to steal the diamond out of her wedding ring so that maybe SarahK won't shoot me so much next time I see her.
She's got a bit of a vengeful streak, ya know.
I just hope she didn't do anything to Michelle Malkin...
Uh oh... Ecosystem rankings... August 26th, 2005...
MALKINO DELENDA EST?
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Thoughts of you warm my heart like a moon lit summer night.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]
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09:33 AM
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[(fake Million Dollar Bill)]
In a not-entirely-unexpected fit of madness, the Bartender at Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon decided it was time to do some SERIOUS tipjar salting.
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09:20 AM
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August 27, 2005
Sticks of From Chaos to Serendipity
Let's take a peek...
Traditional sucky first post - YUP!
A brief introduction - did you know that all teenagers want is money & car keys? What a lie! All *I* ever wanted was car keys.
(While I'm thinking about it. Sticks needs to install that trackback auto-detect from Haloscan. I guess she didn't use the auto-install when she signed up with them. See this post, near the bottom for a couple places to find out about that.)
Teenagers having sex - yeah, she's part of the Bad Example Family all right.
Judging by this air mattress experience, I'm guessing her oldest son never tried making balloon animals.
The best part about having your nephew join the Marines? They'll teach him how to drink. As I'm sure That 1 Guy of Drunken Wisdom and/or Straight White Eric can attest.
Introduces the 3 boys & the dog, and lists their nicknames on the sidebar so you know who's who. Smart lady, that Sticks.
Already doing guest-posting for blogmom. Kids grow up SO fast these days...
New Fox special - When Sesame Street Attacks!
So... what DOES happen if you get so many hurricanes in a year that you run out of letters?
Anyway, Sticks, you can pick up a Bad Example Family logo from this post, and you may, if you wish, blogroll the rest of the Bad Example Family using the handy blogrolling javascript, although neither is a requirement.
Meanwhile you can look forward - with either anticipation or dread - to regular visits and comments from me.
Welcome home.
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My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, we're stopping in the heartland of America to visit Illinois, so let's get started...
Illinois became the 21st state on December 3rd, 1818, and - except for Arkansas - is the only state that carries the death penalty for pronouncing the S at the end of the state's name.
Politically, Illinois is like 2 states in one. The Chicago area - which is urban and heavily Democratic - and the rest of the state, which is rural and sane.
Chicago politicians are easily identifiable by their colorful "Bribe me!" lapel pins.
During the Civil War, Illinois was bitterly divided between those who wanted black people to vote and those who wanted to restrict the franchise to white people and the dead.
10% of Illinois' economy is based on the production of various corn products. The other 90% consists of official "Just wait 'till next year!" logo Cubs merchandise.
Although Illinois borders both Lake Michigan and the Mississippi River, most citizens get their water from large, camel-like humps on their backs.
Every year, millions of Illinoisans head north to the Wisconsin Dells to spend their money on water parks, souveniers, and speeding tickets.
Illinois is currently experiencing rapid population growth because an Illinoisan's only natural predator is the Wisconsin State Highway Patrol.
Few people shop at the malls in Illinois due to the twin hazards of high sales taxes and recklessly-driving Blues musicians.
The first skyscraper was built in Chicago in 1895. When completed, it was 9 stories tall and was immediately destroyed by God for using non-union labor.
At least according to the Teamsters who witnessed the event.
Thanks to Illinois' strict gun control laws, you may wander about freely after dark without having to worry about being mugged by a law-abiding citizen.
Due to the extremely harsh winters in Illinois, natives of the state grow thick coats of fur to protect them from the elements, and are frequently clubbed to death by Alaskan tourists.
People from Chicago like to brag about their "Chicago-style" pizza, but it's really just regular pizza sprinkled with bits of people who hired non-union labor.
Springfield is the capitol of Illinois. While there, be sure to visit Lincoln's Tomb and Moe's Tavern.
The state dance of Illinois is the Square Dance.
Except in certain parts of Chicago, where it's the "I NEED CRACK!" jitterbug.
Chicago was setting for George Romero's movie "Night of the Voting Dead".
The Sears Tower in Chicago is the tallest building in North America and contains enough office space to hold a year's supply of Twinkies for Michael Moore.
The state tree of Illinois is the White Oak, which is just plain racist.
The state snack of Illinois is popcorn. MORE racism!
The first McDonald's restaurant opened in Des Plaines, Illinois in 1940 after the McDonald brothers perfected their technique for making thin, round patties out of rat turds and sawdust.
Early in the church's history, the Mormons settled in Nauvoo, Illinois, but moved to Utah after the Iroquois Indians gave them smallpox and stole their land.
During the Civil War, Illinois was home to the notorious Rock Island prison camp, where it's estimated that over 100,000 Confederate prisoners were either starved to death or denied access to Korans.
13% of Illinois' population is foreign-born. Mostly Irishmen who ran out of money while travelling to Idaho's annual Spud-Fest.
People from Chicago must pass a literacy test before they are allowed to vote, which consists of correctly identifying the letter "D".
It was the original French settlers who chose the White-Tailed Deer as the Illinois state animal. They looked upon it as a kindred spirit, since it appeared to be raising a white flag while fleeing at the first sign of danger.
Chicago is home to the world's largest public library. Sadly, not enough of the books have pictures to make it of any use to the Irish.
The city of Bloomington, Illinois consists of 60% women and 40% men. Even Frank J. could get lucky there.
If he weren't... you know... already attached.
SarahK's gonna kill me now, isn't she?
In 1999 the city of Kankakee, Illinois was voted "America's Worst Place to Live". It improved to "America's Best Place to Live" after the city implemented its "free breast implant" program.
That wraps up the Illinois edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be sneaking eastward across the border into Indiana.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go eat some popcorn because I'm a racist.
UPDATE 8-27-05: Per a reminder from the Humble Devil Dog of Random Firing of Neurons in the comments, I should add this:
If you visit a state that borders Illinois, you may hear Illinois tourists referred to as "FIB's", which stands for Fine Illinois Brethren.
If you're FROM one of those border states, then you know I just lied to you.
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A kiss is a lovely thing designed by God for when words become unnecessary.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]
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12:29 PM
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Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Glenn's Summer Camp
New Filthy Lie Assignment: What would a BlogAd for Instapundit.com look like?
Phin's Blogging Tip: TrackBacks On The Front Page For Wordpress
Basil's Blogging Tip: TrackBacks On The Front Page For MovableType
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[Get US Out! of the United Nations]
Steve the Pirate has started a blogroll for bloggers who think that the US should get the f*** out of the UN.
To join:1. Reply to this comment with your Blog name and your email address.
2. Add the code to your site: < script language=”javascript” type=”text/javascript” src=”http://rpc.blogrolling.com/display.php?r=30d5d5528a3796ca6df2cb 599bbad65a”>< /script>…well, minus the spaces of course.
[Harv's note: I tightened up the code a bit so it's more copy & paste:
<script language="javascript" type="text/javascript" src="http://rpc.blogrolling.com/display.php?r=
30d5d5528a3796ca6df2cb599bbad65a"></script>Just remove the one space between the = and the 3]
3. As soon as you do so, you will be added to the blogroll! Should take less than twenty-four hours.
4. Pimp this thing out on your blog! I want a lot of members to show that weÂ’re not going to put up with the UNÂ’s bulls* anymore.
So, if you love the UN as much as I do (*waves flamethrower around menacingly*) here's your chance to make it known.
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August 26, 2005
A kiss is just another reminder that two heads are better than one.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]
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[(freaky-looking hair drawn on Washington)]
PRESIDENTIAL FUN FACT:
In 1753, Washington attempted to replicate Franklin's famous "electric kite experiment", but made the mistake of holding the key in his hand.
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August 25, 2005
A-FIXIN'--Getting ready "We're a-fixin' to go to the store and git some smokes and Mountain Dew fer ma."
PEAKED--Pale or sick looking "He's lookin' mighty peaked today, ma 'otta fix 'em up good with some hot whiskey and oatmeal."
ASKEERED OF--Frightened or afraid of "He's askeered of gov'ment folks snoopin' around."
DOIN'S--A function "Are you goin' to the church doin's tonight? Cuz I hear they're lookin to have a fundraiser for Betty Maes' eye prob'em."
DAST--Dare "I dast you to run over to Betty Mae, and ask her to go diddle in the bushes with ya..Come on..It's dark, ya can't even tell her eye ain't right in the dark."
HOLLER--A small valley "Pa says I ain't allowed past the Buick down there in the holler cuz them rats git all het up when you go pokin' 'em with a stick. It smarts when one of 'em gits ya'."
FETCH--To bring "Go fetch the doctor, Jimmy ain't right again. Dammit boy, why'd ya hafta go and do that again with the kerosene."
VITTLES--Food or Victuals "I hope ma's got the vittles on when I git home. Pa got a possum last night and I'm bettin' that's what ma's got cooked."
PUT OUT--Angry or annoyed "Pa shore was put out when we threw all them snakes in the outhouse."
SMART--to hurt " It shore smarts where Daryl smacked my shin bone."
YOU'NS--You or you all "You'ns ain't gonna git no vittles till you put 'em snakes back outside."
AIM--To intend or to plan "I'm aimin' to have my way with that girl as soon as her pa ain't lookin'."
CUTTIN' UP--Acting a fool "Maude shore was cuttin' up last night after I pinched 'er. I really should've not taken all her clothes after I got her in the creek either."
BOOK READ--Educated or well informed "We's lookin' to git little Betty Sue book read someday, readin's not everything in life, but sometimes its good fer when we go to town."
FUR PIECE--A great distance "Daryl lives a fur piece from his kin folks, and rightly so after what he did to that Mickler boy. I'd want him a fur piece away too cuz that just ain't right."
GULLY-WASHER--A hard rain "Reckon we sure had a gully-washer last night, damn near took the outhouse down the creek."
HESH UP--Become quiet "Hesh up before pa hears what we're doin'."
HET--To become heated or upset "Don't git all het up about Clem, he's just showing ya that he likes ya."
LOLLYGAG--To loaf or loiter "Why's Clem always lollygagin around by my window?"
PIZEN--Poison " I seen lotsa pizen snakes in these parts. I ain't askeered of 'em though."
AWFUL POORLY--Very ill "He's been lookin' awful poorly since that cold spell, ma is bringing the hot whiskey and the preachers a comin' up from town."
CRICK--A stiffness "I gave it to sis so hard last night she's still got a crick in her neck."
AIRISH--Breezy or drafty "Shet yer window. Its blowin' the ash out of the ashtray all over the baby."
BIGGETY--Stuck up or acting big "She's been actin' awful biggety ever since she took first place at the fair for her pickled okra."
CLUM--Climbed "I clum thet hill for the last time."
KIVVER--Covered "Them young-uns is kivvered with the pox. Just get a little whiskey on a rag'n dab it on them pox, heal 'em right up."
SHED OF--Get rid of or unload "You gotta get shed of that old Camero, you ain't never gonna fix 'er up anyways, it don't even have wheels, and that damn hound keeps having her pups in there and it don't run either."
SMACK-DAB--On the dot, exactly "I got 'em smack-dab in the eye with my sling-shot. Bet he ain't gonna mess with me no more."
RED--To clean or tidy up "Red up the yard before you fetch Grandma fer vittles she don't like trippin' on all that junk you boys drag home from the creek."
WHUPPED--Whipped or spanked "Pa shore whupped me when he caught me in the holler with the neighbors milkin' cow."
SKITTISH--Nervous "I wonder why Bessie is skittish when I come around?"
ET--Eaten "Have you'ns et yet, Quillie fixed up a cooter pie, & fried macaroni?"
GANDER--To look at "Take a gander at the hickey I got at the fair."
NAW--No "Naw, I don't think I'm goin' possum huntin' tonight."
PARTS--Area or neighborhood "Ain't never seen such a looker in these parts before. How many teeth she got?"
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Since demanding to speak with President Bush is the hip and trendy thing to do these days, I decided to follow Cindy Sheehan's lead and demand to speak with the President, too, because I want to know:
Who's REALLY sitting in the prison cell in Iraq?
Is it Saddam Hussein?
Or is it actually best selling author Leo Buscaglia, presumably deceased since 1998?
Mr. President, I think the American people deserve to know the truth. All those lies you keep telling us... Please...
Stop.
In the name of Love.
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How blessed I am that I can walk beside you, lean upon you, and live within the warmth of your love.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]
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09:24 AM
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Precision Guided Humor Round-up: I demand to speak to...
New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: What happened to all the oil that President Bush stole from Iraq?
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August 24, 2005
I hope I don't get writer's block this bad when I do Iowa.
And don't be offended if I don't respond to e-mail in a timely fashion. It's nothing personal, it's just that I'm up against a deadline here.
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August 23, 2005
Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Glenn's Biography
New Filthy Lie Assignment: What would a summer camp be like if it were run by Evil Glenn?
Precision Guided Humor Assignment reminder: What famous person/people would you demand to speak to, and what would you say to him/her/them? due by 9pm EDT Wednesday, August 26th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.
Basil's Blog Tip - Getting more hits.
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Love is when thoughts of but one woman fill your heart, when she means more than life to you, when you know you would do anything for her and shall die if she is taken from you. Desire is when you ache to see her and touch her, when she causes your body to burn and tremble.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]
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09:31 AM
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