July 31, 2004

STUFF THIS IN YOUR BONFIRE & SMOKE IT

All set to blog, and then Beloved Wife pointed out that we only had 4 episodes of Deep Space 9 left and we were done with season 3.

There went my blogging time.

By the way, we're debating on whether to get season 4, or just give up on the series. It's been really hit or miss with the first 3 seasons. Mostly miss. Any thoughts on seasons 4-7?

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July 30, 2004

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I can be with you always, whether you're near or far,
For I have roads inside me that take me where you are.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

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TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[(picture of eagle) WHERESGEORGE.COM]

After being rebuffed by their first choice of Kentucky Fried Chicken, Alfred Hitchcock Productions settled for teaming up with the popular currency-tracking website to promote the re-release of their 1963 hit movie.

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MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Friday Linky Stuff

Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Glenn's Sidekick

New Filthy Lie Assignment: What will Evil Glenn's Presidential campaign slogan be?

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EVIL GLENN'S SIDEKICK

(A FILTHY LIE)

Charming Alliance HQ Hostess Susie came home from another miserable 13 hour shift at the Dollar Theater ("Now With 19th Century Technology!") drained and exhausted. After pouring herself a shot of "Scantily Clad Fireman" brand whiskey ("Starting the Fire in Your Belly since 1898"), she snapped off her bra and checked her e-mail.

Susie: Let's see... 293 comment spams, 78 offers for Viagra, 57 propositions from Nigerians, 39 new applicants for the Alliance... [click, click, click...]... all of which are missing either a fake Glenn Reynolds quote or a link to HQ... Screw this! I'm going to my Happy Place.

... Susie got up and went to her special room wherein was located the one thing that gave her solace in times of trouble - her Barbie collection. Since she was a little girl, she'd always adored her Barbies, and sought to acquire one of everything. Yet one item had always eluded her, and she gazed sadly at the empty space on her shelf where she hoped that item would someday go.

Susie: Barbie's Dream House... if only I could get one, I just know it would make my life complete. I would give ANYTHING to own Barbie's Dream House!

... The room darkened ominously, as a cloud of black, sulfurous smoke formed in the middle of the Barbie room. An imposing figure dressed in red became visible as the smoke began to dissipate.

Susie: Oh no! I've summoned Satan! He's going to offer me Barbie's Dream House in exchange for my soul! Which wouldn't be so bad if I weren't currently braless and... quite perky.

... The smoke cleared, and the man in red let out an evil laugh...

Man in Red: Ho! Ho! Ho!

Susie:... Santa???...

Santa: You were expecting someone else?

Susie: Satan, actually.

Santa: Ya know, ever since John made that typo in the Book of Revelations, people have been getting us confused. Let me set you straight - *I* give you goodies in exchange for your soul, Satan makes bad things happen to good people.

Susie: So Satan hired my Assistant Manager?

Santa: Exactly.

Susie: How did you know I was ready to trade my soul? Is that part of the whole "sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good" schtick?

Santa: Sorry, lady, you've got me confused with John Ashcroft. No, Glenn Reynolds saw on your blog that you wanted Barbie's Dream House, so he sent me to make a deal.

Susie: You're Evil Glenn's sidekick???

Santa: The title is "executive assistant".

Susie: Er... yeah... whatever... anyway, I'm kinda confused. Let me see if I got this straight... YOU, and NOT Satan, trade worldy wealth for souls?

Santa: Right. I've got tons of crap just laying around at the Workshop, plus a delivery system so fast it makes FedEx look like George Lucas working on a Star Wars sequel. So I can get souls any time, any place.

Susie: But what do you do with the souls?

Santa: They power my army of robotic toy-making elves.

Susie: I thought you used REAL elves to make toys?

Santa: NOW you're just being silly. Everyone knows the only things Elves are good for is holding endless, indecisive council meetings on what to do about demonic jewelry.

Susie: Sorta like the French?

Santa: Sorta... except the French usually send in Americans to do their dirty work instead of conning naive Hobbits.

Susie: So if you're so good at trading stuff for souls, why did you need to throw in with Evil Glenn?

Santa: Let's just say that Glenn's not the ONLY one with a penguin fetish.

Susie: EWWW! I see... Wait!... Aren't penguins native to the SOUTH pole?

Santa: Now you know why I need Glenn's help. He's got some REALLY good connections at the Amundsen-Scott South Pole Station.

Susie: But I still don't understand why you'd work with Glenn. He's EVIL! He murders hobos!

Santa: Hobos don't have chimneys. What the hell do *I* care?

Susie: What about the blended puppies?

Santa: Again - don't care. I hate puppies! Every year I give out millions of the little bastards. Nasty, yipping little things, always piddling in my sack of presents. Good riddance, *I* say.

Susie: And the Robot Dancing?

Santa: Nothing wrong with a man dancing. Hell, I invented "The Twist"

Susie: That was Chubby Checker.

Santa: *I* was Chubby Checker.

Susie: That's ridiculous. Chubby Checker was black.

Santa: Well, you know how Michael Jackson...

Susie: Ok, you can stop there. Anyway, what's this "deal" Glenn wanted you to make?

Santa: In exchange for the Barbie Dream House, you agree to stop hosting the Alliance HQ page. Without you doing all the heavy lifting, the Alliance will fall apart in a matter of days, and Glenn will once again be free to rule the blogosphere with his velvet-handed tyrannical peacefulness.

Susie: Wait... don't you want my soul, too?

Santa: That? Pfffft! I've had that for decades!

Susie: What?

Santa: Remember this? [whips out digital palm-corder and replays a scene from Susie's childhood]... "I'd give anything for a Malibu Barbie! ANYTHING!"

Susie: Oh... yeah... that.

Santa: I got the Dream House right here... [extracts it from bag]... whaddya say?

Susie: Well, I guess I say... DIE, YOU JOLLY BASTARD!

... with ninja-like speed, Susie swept her bra off the floor and wrapped it tightly around Santa's neck, not letting up the pressure on his chubby throat until he collapsed to the floor in a white-fur-trimmed heap.

Susie [placing Dream House triumphantly onto her shelf]: Now, what to do with the gift-giving prick minion of the puppy blender... AH! I know!

EPILOGUE (one week later):

Good Evening. I'm Dan Rather and this is the CBS evening news. Our top story tonight: Saddam Hussein goes f****** nuts:

Saddam: But I keep telling you, I'm NOT Saddam! I'm Santa Claus! That bitch Susie stole my Barbie Dream house and switched me with the REAL Saddam! I'm Santa Claus! Get me Glenn Reynolds on the phone! That son of a bitch! This is all HIS fault! If I ever get outta here, I'm joining the f****** Alliance! INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

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July 29, 2004

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

A Valentine is just a paper heart
Two curving lines connected, colored red.
And objects of great beauty, skill or art
Will not express the things that might be said.
And fancy rhyming words could never start
To quote the feelings blooming in my head.
And yet on special holidays like this,
I find that I resort to these and such.
But every glance and gaze, caress and kiss
Will surely show I love you very much.
With ecstasy beyond analysis,
Our lips and hearts and minds and spirits touch.
Because of love, my heart was first created,
And through your love, it's been regenerated.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

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TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[Doritos]

At least Dan Quayle spelled this one right.

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IN THE ZONE

Blogdaughter Michele of Letters From New York City has recovered sufficiently from her latest bout of carpal tunnel to post an entry in the form of an open letter to me.

After the pleasantries (which make me blush), the bulk of it is an analysis of the protestors at the Democratic convention - who they are and what they're trying to do:

These protestors don't wish to engage in a discussion, they don't wish to educate the public by putting out position papers or informational flyers. Instead, they're main goal is to show 'what a fascist society we live in, as a result of our Homeland Security policies and the Patriot Act'. How do they do that? By provoking the police through various subtle but systematic means.

She's got a good point.

I'm not entirely comfortable with the notion of "Free Speech Zones", because, in principle, it opens the door to acceptance of the idea of "Non-Free Speech Zones", which entails a vague threat of having such zones, once legitimized, expanding to cover vast swaths of the nation.

However, as Michele points out, what the protestors are seeking in Boston isn't so much "free speech" as it is the "right" to forcibly interfere with other peoples' rights to go about their daily business unimpeded. The concept of "disturbing the peace" probably applies here.

It isn't discussion the protestors are after, it's intimidation and harrassment, which, like blackmail, death threats, "fighting words" and "yelling "FIRE!" in a crowded theater", aren't protected speech. Since it's pretty obvious that this is what's going on, I don't have that much of a problem with the police temporarily containing the trouble-makers in a single area where they can be more easily watched while the convention is ongoing.

Still, I'm aware that other perspectives on the issue are possible, so feel free to present them in the comments, if you're so inclined.

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MY SWOLLEN, BLOATED, UNCONTROLLABLE EGO

... is now the size of Ted Kennedy's gin-blossomed head, i.e. e-freakin-normous.

Why? Because I discovered that Earl of Brave New World has been reading me for almost a year, and my ever-delightful writings have inspired him to start a blog of his own.

Best of all, in a post explaining who his blog idols are, I got top billing over Frank J! Probably because I actually left him a comment instead of ignoring him.

But since nobody but me cares about that, I'll direct your attention elsewhere on his blog. Specifically this post where he runs the numbers on how many military endorsements Kerry got vs. the number Bush got (hint: think Cubs vs. Yankees on this score).

Other than that, Earl's still wet behind the ears blogwise, but probably worth watching. Now if only we could break him of the habit of blogging about what he's going to blog about instead of just blogging about it in the first place.

Definitely too much Frank J. in that boy's blood :-/

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ISN'T THAT *CUTE*?

I don't usually give a damn about cute kid blogging (one step above cat-blogging, ya know), but Blogdaughter Sally of Whimsy Capricious has a real daughter who honestly does say the darndest things, like:

1. I love you Daddy. You're all shiny!

2. He's in my Playschool. He's got a yucky face, a lumpy nose and three googly eyes.



#4 is my favorite. You'll figure out why after you read it, I'm sure.

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[WHISTLES INNOCENTLY]

LeeAnn of The Cheese Stands Alone is going on vacation.

She's also leaving her comments enabled.

I think you know the drill by now. Mheh.

Of course, ostensibly, I'm sending you over to examine a post wherein she contemplates words that start with "blog", like:

Blogiverse.
Blogworld.
Blogcation.
Blogaholic.
Blogpanties.

So go check that out.

What you do once you get there is entirely out of my control...

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BABY POOL WINNERS!

J of Quibbles & Bits announced the winners of the baby pool for the people who guessed on the vital stats of his new daughter, Lily.

I got nuthin'

America's #1 pin-up girl, Dana of Note-It Posts and Eat The Lettuce, got the big prize.

Blogdaughters Sally of Whimsy Capricious and Boudicca of Boudicca's Voice, along with apparently blogless reader Sandee won the consolation prize.

Hmmmm... nothing but girl winners. I think the fix was in.

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MAYBE IT WASN'T TOO EXPENSIVE AFTER ALL

Via Blogdaughter Boudicca, I discovered one of the eye-candiest sites I've ever seen. After several long, agonizing minutes of downloading, the music began to play, and I witnessed images of interstellar visions that the naked human eye has never witnessed.

A slideshow of images from the Hubble Space Telescope, set against a background of proud, glorifying, soul-stirring music. As I watched the pictures appear before me, a single thought filled me.

I

Want

To

Go.

It's a long load, but the rewards are immeasurable. I invite you to look in awe and wonder at the universe as you've never seen it.

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July 28, 2004

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Let me call you Sweetheart,
Because you'll always be,
The dearest and the sweetest one,
In all the world to me.
Because I'll always love you,
More than you could ever guess,
Because you are my everything,
My world, my happiness.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

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TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[Congratulations Gary! April 26, 1992 Elkhart Lake [Road] America]

Obviously it wasn't the prize money that made people want to race on the Road America track as it was the chance to be able to say, "I own the fastest tricycle in Wisconsin!"

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BUT HES A *WELL-SPOKEN* SOCIALIST, SO IT'S OK

I heard, but did not see, that Barack Obama gave a speech at the Democratic convention.

I also heard that a lot of people were impressed by his performance.

I'm not.

I read the full text of his remarks (link courtesy of Kevin of Wizbang), and, although it was a competently written speech from a "hold the audience's attention" perspective, filled with all kinds of rah-rah America clichès (and certainly done in better taste than Ted's "fear four more years" screed), I found plenty of lefty boilerplate in it.

I'm not going to fisk it. I'm just going to point out that, by putting most of his phrases in terms of what Kerry will do and what he stands for, he implies that those positives don't apply to Bush, because there is a "choice" to be made. Here are some implied criticisms of the Bush presidency:

Americans are held hostage to the profits of oil companies.

Bush will sacrifice our basic Constitutional liberties.

War was Bush's first option.

Bush fudged the numbers and shaded the truth about why we went to war.

Bush went to war without enough troops to win the war or secure the peace.

Bush has lost the respect of the world.

Bush represents the politics of cynicism.

Bush thinks that unemployment will go away if we just don't talk about it.

Bush thinks that the "health care crisis" will solve itself if we just ignore it.

Bush doesn't want to give relief to the middle class.

Bush doesn't want working families to have a road to opportunity.

Bush doesn't want the jobless to have jobs.

Bush doesn't want the homeless to have homes.

The Bush presidency is a long political darkness.

All this is annoying, but what makes me believe most firmly that Obama is a stupid turd is this:

"It's that fundamental belief - I am my brother's keeper, I am my sister's keeper - that makes this country work. It's what allows us to pursue our individual dreams..."

Nope.

What makes this country work is that your brother ISN'T your keeper. That you are not kept at all. That you are free to pursue your individual dreams WITHOUT your brother's approval or interference.

Don't get me wrong. I love my brother, and I'll be happy to help him if he asks politely and says thank you afterwards, but that's not "keeping". That's voluntary association, which is entirely different. It's also a concept that socialists like Obama grasp weakly, if at all.

How well W and his Republican friends "get it" is arguable, but unless the Libertarian Party gets its head out of its ass on matters of national defense & security, I'm voting "R" come November.

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JUST EAT SOMETHING, WILL YA?

Blogdaughter Boudicca of Boudicca's Voice has an open letter to the Olsen Twins suggesting that they might be better off if they ditched that whole concentration-camp-survivor-way-too-bony look.

Partly I like this piece because it's refreshing to hear a woman say that a little padding on a girl is good, and natural, and attractive.

Mostly I like the part where she tries explaining this in terms of things that men never say:

"You know what I really like? I like when I'm on top, really going at it, I love when her hip bones bruise me."

"I love when I grab her ass, I get bone."

"I love that she has concave tits because she has no body fat."

"I love gazing down on her naked body and seeing rib cage."

"I love when I bend her into positions, she feels like she might snap."

"Damn, is there anything better than going at it with a woman and wondering if I might break her?"

I concur wholeheartedly. If it ain't cuddly-lookin', I ain't gonna cuddle with it.

Any guy who honestly prefers the skeletal look, please feel free to go on record in the comments.

"Amen to the curves" folks may chime in, too.

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YOU'RE THE BIRTHDAY, YOU'RE THE BIRTHDAY, YOU'RE THE BIRTHDAY BOY OR GIRL

Looks like my blogless brother Tom isn't the only one celebrating a birthday today. Blogdaughter Tammi of Road Warrior Survival has it going on, too.

Of course, it's not exactly the same situation, since Tammi has *ahem* a couple things my brother doesn't.

Namely 1962 an 1963.

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NEW STATE MOTTOS

Eric of Unbent Honky Dude has a list of state mottos that are a little more accurate that what you'll see on a license plate. I'll give you a few samples, but you have to go there for the whole list:

Alabama: Like the third world, but closer.

Arkansas: It's Trailer-rific!!!

Kentucky: Come for the Bluegrass -- Stay for the Incest!

New Jersey: Come for the beaches. Stay for the gambling, crack and hookers.

Oklahoma: We're like the Canada of TX!

South Carolina: The OTHER white state.

Puerto Rico: Ready to Screw Up 40 Years of Flag Symmetry

And may I propose for Wisconsin:

Please, God, don't let Favre retire this year!

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WHAT'S BETTER THAN STICK FIGURE CARTOONS?

A fighting stick figure animated gif, as presented by Physics Geek.

"How to handle office conflicts"

Most days at work, I'm the blue guy.

(about 120k, so it takes a few seconds to get rolling)

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