TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Your love was worth waiting for, now I am complete.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

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TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(Rubber stamp: QUEER $)]

Of *course* I'll take his money!

I may be an intolerant, right-wing homophobe, but I'm a GREEDY intolerant, right-wing homophobe.

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ODE TO... EWWWWWW!

I think that I shall never see

A poem about either plumber's crack or a toilet brush.

But I'd be wrong, because niece/blogdaughter Sarah of That's Not Very Nice! has both.

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DIGITAL CAMERAS

Blogson Johnny-Oh of Closet Extremist laments:

I really need to invest in a good digital camera

Or maybe just get a half-good digital camera for $55 bucks?

Seriously, decent digitals are getting so cheap they're practically disposable. As long as it's over 1 Megapixel and has an LCD preview display, it's fine for casual photography.

Personally, I use a 1.3 Megapixel Canon A10 for all the photos I post on the web. They're all sharp & clear, even when I maximize them on my 21-inch monitor. If you're just looking to share photos, you don't need to spend much.

Of course, most stores don't carry much below a $100 digital camera with 2 more Megapixels than you really need, but that's what they make eBay for. Just look for a reputable brand name and a seller with decent feedback. You'll be taking pictures in no time.

Anyway, if anyone knows anywhere else to pick up a 1.3 Mpx camera for under $50, please pipe up. I'm kinda surprised at how hard it is to find "low end" models, even on clearance.

NOTE: Arguably, a 4 Mpx camera will give you the same quality as off-the-shelf 35mm film for 4x6 prints, so anything over that is just gravy. From my personal observations, a 1.3 Mpx camera makes prints every bit as good as anything I've shot with a point-and-shoot 35mm camera. But if you want "looking out the window" clarity, you're certainly free to take out a second mortgage to buy a 16 Mpx Digital SLR.

Posted by: Harvey at 09:34 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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YOU WANT A BAD SIMILIE? I'VE GOT YOUR BAD SIMILIE RIGHT HERE!

Nick Queen thinks this is horrible:

The ground underneath felt hard like the percussion of a steady drum.

And challenges all comers to compose something worse.

Here's mine:

Her smile lit up her face like an Arab setting fire to a Danish flag.

Feel free to pile on.

Posted by: Harvey at 08:58 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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ANYONE SPEAK ITALIAN?

I'm not sure if this is just pure spam, or if someone wants me to blog on some specific topic:

Al documento per l’Occidente di Marcello Pera si è risposto, a Sinistra, con significativi silenzi e incredibili ingiurie. Si è arrivati, da parte del quotidiano di Rifondazione comunista, a linkare il documento con il Manifesto fascista in difesa della razza. Terra del mattino propone una “interpretazione di sinistra” dell’Occidente e un sondaggio da tener d’occhio.
Saluti.

Don't how he got the impression that I understand Italian.

And Google's translator doesn't help:

To the document for the West of Marcello Pear it has been answered, on the left, with meant silenzi and incredible ingiurie to you. One is arrives to you, from part of the daily paper of communist Rifondazione, to linkare the document with fascist The Manifest in defense of the race. Earth of the mattino proposes one "left interpretation of" of the West and a survey to hold of eye.
Salutes.

The site that was linked in the e-mail doesn't tell me much, either. No pictures.

Anyone got a clue I can borrow?

Posted by: Harvey at 08:40 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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CELEBRITY FIT CLUB 4?

Probably be the only place you'll see Britney Spears, if blogson-in-law Alex of Alex in Wonderland is making an accurate assessment.

she will need a drill sergeant to get her back into any kind of shape to appeal to that market ever again

Like this one?

[off-topic - Celebrity blogging probably falls into the "critters that mess up carpets" category]

And in real-world news, Alex is looking to improve his employment prospects.

Posted by: Harvey at 08:21 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I'M THE EVILEST BLOG IN THE UNIVERSE!

Unlike mere mortals, I don't get banned for minor trespasses like "Adult content". No, this is how completely void of redeeming characteristics MY blog is:

(click to enlarge)

It's GOOD to be the king!

Many thanks to Zonker of Thunder and Roses for proclaiming my degeneracy.

Posted by: Harvey at 07:31 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Precision Guided Humor Assignment reminder: What underutilized resources could we apply towards winning the War on Terror? due by 11:59pm EDT Wednesday, March 1st. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Monday Linky Stuff

Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Glenn Myths

New Filthy Lie Assignment: What suspicious items would a search of Evil Glenn's house turn up?

Precision Guided Humor Round-up: Hallmark's War on Terror.

Posted by: Harvey at 07:59 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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SPAM IRONY

Got this one today, and found the opening lines intriguing:

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Subject: Blogging for Dummies

Lots of you guys and gals have heard about blogging. Basically it's an online journal with pictures that you can post to and no one knows it's you unless you tell them.

They're gaining in popularity throughout the US ever since the news blogs broke the story about prisoner treatment in Iraq.

---

I'm still trying to figure out why they sent this to ME. Did they NOT notice the Blogging Tips Category?

Anyway, this line: "blogs broke the story about prisoner treatment in Iraq", just makes the bile rise into my throat. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it was the Army releasing its Abu Ghraib report that broke the story - to be picked up by the MSM 5 months later.

Whatever.

They advertised a "blogging service" at www.smartpunters.com, which I looked at.

Very little information about the service, and no links to any member blogs. Offhand I suspect that it's a scam to get your personal information.

Googling did nothing to allay my suspicions, since the domain used to be a "Singapore investment strategy and information hub for Asian investors".

I also have to wonder if the owners realize that - in America - "punter" is slang for "someone who watches pornographic movies or who frequents strip clubs".

In short, while the subject line DID get me to open the e-mail, the clumsy inappropriateness of the intro inspired me to post a negative review instead of surrendering my personal data.

I'm only giving it 1.5 stars.

Posted by: Harvey at 09:48 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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UNLESS YOU'RE AN OWL, IT'S NOT THREE

Bloggranddaughter Rave of Quid Nunc asks:

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?

Google was quick with the answer:

* A group of engineering students from Purdue University recorded that their licking machine, modeled after a human tongue, took an average of 364 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. They tried the same licking test on 20 volunteers and found that the average licks to the center were 252 licks.

* A chemical engineering doctorate student from the University of Michigan recorded that his licking machine required an average of 411 licks per Tootsie Pop.

* A group of students at Swathmore School used human lickers in a scientific experiment and determined it took an average of 144 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

Giving a meta-average of 269.

And now you know.

Posted by: Harvey at 09:46 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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IS IT THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL, OR JUST THAT LAYER OF SLIMY STUFF THAT GROWS ON TOP OF IT?

Blogdaughter Boudicca of Boudicca's Voice said

What has this blog come to that IÂ’m carpet blogging? I am sure it is truly the most pathetic blogging around...

Most people put cat-blogging at the bottom.

Which makes me wonder... what IS the "quality blogging" hierarchy?

I'll take a stab at it. From highest to lowest:

1) Original news - breaking a story before the MSM
2) Competing news - covering stories that the MSM is ignoring
3) Original opinion - finding an angle on a news story that no one else has
4) Helpful advice - posting a piece containing a solution to a problem
5) Essay blogging - sharing a common opinion, but doing so in uncommonly good style
6) Story blogging - well-written original fiction
7) Life blogging - well-written true-life stories
Original humor - just making stuff up to make people laugh
9) Forwarded humor - re-posting something funny you found elsewhere
10) Hey! Look at this! - linking something interesting you found elsewhere
11) Memes
12) Quizzes
13) 24
14) American Idol
15) Carpets
16) Kids/Cats/Dogs/Hamsters/Ferrets and other critters that mess up carpets
17) WTF! OMG! RU serious? - Live Journal teen angst diary-posting heavily laced with IM abbreviations and/or dark, introspective poems about how painful life is.

Which is not to say that any of these are - by definition - not interesting. I'm just talking about perceptions of status.

You may bicker & second-guess in the comments.

Posted by: Harvey at 09:40 AM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

Posted by: Harvey at 09:29 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(Rubber stamp: CRAIG HELDT)]

A secret agent under cover so deep that not even Google knows who the hell he is.

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Fun Facts About Maryland - The Director's Cut

The version on the IMAO podcast (Feb 13th "It's About Something, We Think") was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies below...

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Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to take a wrong turn at the Washington Monument and accidentally wind up in Maryland, so let's get started...

Maryland became the 7th state on April 28th, 1788 after it finally agreed to stop trying to invade Delaware to steal its oil.

The state bird of Maryland is the Oriole, which should NOT be confused with any similarly-named, chocolate-flavored, creme-filled sandwich cookies.

The state flag of Maryland is best described as, "a Picasso painting of a checkerboard as interpreted by Andy Warhol while very drunk and standing on one leg."

The state flower of Maryland is the Black-Eyed Susan, or - as it's referred to by feminists - the "Justifiable Homicide Plant".

The highest point in Maryland is Backbone Mountain. It's 3360 feet tall, and has never been climbed by a Frenchman.

The state motto of Maryland is, "Yup, pretty much just a suburb of DC".

Maryland's nickname of "The Old Line State" is somewhat of a misnomer, since most of its residents prefer to freebase their cocaine.

Maryland was named after Henrietta Maria, wife of King Charles I of England. They WERE going to call is "Henriettaland", but decided that sounded too much like some kind of pussycat-puppet-related theme park.

The lowest point in Maryland is Bloody Point Hole, at 174 feet below sea level. It used to be deeper, but Karl Rove's been using it a lot lately to dispose of "stifled dissenters", if you know what I mean.

Presidential assassin John Wilkes Booth was born in Bel Air, Maryland in 1838. Because of his high-profile crime, all US theaters now have "Marylander detectors" at each entrance as a security precaution.

Famous abolitionist Frederick Douglass was born in Tuckahoe, Maryland, which - and I can't emphasize this enough - starts with the letter "T", so really watch that left index finger while you're typing.

Another famous abolitionist - Harriet Tubman - was born in Dorchester County, Maryland and freed over 300 slaves during 20 trips between Maryland and Pennsylvania. Today, many black people honor her heroic journies by running up and down a wooden court for an hour, symbolically helping basketballs escape slavery by throwing them through "freedom hoops".

Gaithersburg, Maryland is home to the National Institute of Standards and Technology. It employs over 3000 pimply-faced geek-boys, none of whom have yet kissed a real girl.

National Anthem author Francis Scott Key was born in Frederick, Maryland, where he spent his formative years blowing stuff up and writing poetry about the explosions.

Baseball Hall-of-Famer Babe Ruth grew up in Baltimore, Maryland, and developed his legendary slugging prowess by working as a knee-cap breaker for local loan sharks.

The United States Naval Academy was founded on October 10, 1845 at Annapolis, Maryland. Coincidentally, the United States Hooker Academy was founded across the street the next day.

The first cathedral in the US was built in Baltimore, Maryland in 1821, mostly to clear the streets of the numerous drunken Irishmen passed out in the gutters.

Annapolis, Maryland once served as the capital of the US, but the Congressional building was eventually moved to Washington, D.C. to make room for the United States Hooker Academy.

The first dental school in the US opened at the University of Maryland in 1840. The early facilities were quite primitive, and the first class taught there was a course in how to make a set of dentures out of duct tape and roofing nails.

The Concord Point lighthouse is the oldest continuously operated lighthouse in Maryland, because no one in the state is smart enough to figure out how to operate the light switch.

Maryland was originally populated by confused colonists from Virginia who wandered too far north and got stuck in snowbanks.

Kind of explains the light switch thing, doesn't it?

The highest waterfall in Maryland is Muddy Creek Falls. At 63 feet tall, it's actually large enough for Michael Moore to fit underneath it, unless he's laying on his back.

In 1790 Maryland rounded up all the lawyers in the state and threw them into a fetid swamp near the southern border of the state, now known as Washington, D.C.

The first successful manned hot air balloon launch occurred in Baltimore, Maryland in 1784. The pilot - Edward Warren - reportedly described his trip as "a great way to peek down the front of women's dresses."

The state song of Maryland is "Maybe We Should've Killed Those Lawyers Before We Threw Them In That Swamp".

Well, that wraps up the Maryland edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be swerving off a bridge with Ted Kennedy as I visit Massachusetts.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a hot air balloon ride.

Posted by: Harvey at 08:58 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I know the freedom that comes from sharing my heart with someone that
I can confide in openly and trust completely.
I know the delight that comes from sharing moments with someone
Whose presence can turn ordinary experiences into extraordinary joys.
I know the overflowing blessings that come through a common bond of faith
That is found in the rich soil of our all-embracing love.
I know all of these wonderful things, and so much more...
All because of you.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

Posted by: Harvey at 08:51 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[("20" written over the 1's in all 4 corners of the bill)]

It's not enough just to buy "Counterfeiting For Dummies", you actually have to follow the instructions, too.

Posted by: Harvey at 08:49 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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THE TAINT OF EVIL?

Just pondering a bit on the concept of "evil by association".

What would you do with Hitler's Bible?

Destroy it, because it was owned by the epitome of human evil?

Honor it because it's the Bible?

Sell it on eBay as a collector's item?

Something else?

Posted by: Harvey at 09:54 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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IT'S A BOY!

This one's been a long time coming, but my real-world blogless brother Tom has finally taken the plunge into the blogging world, mostly as a result of being pissed off at Wisconsin's socialist rag newspapers, frustrated by stupid people in general, and only having occasional visits with me during which to vent his frustrations.

A caution - his spelling & grammar aren't exactly according to Strunk & White, but he gets his point across, and he has a habit of popping off some nice one-liners, so focus on those.

Let's take a look at what we have so far at NoWhere News:

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Traditional sucky first post - Well, outside of the spelling & grammar parts (hey, I warned you), not nearly sucky enough. This is disappointing. He does a good job of fisking a MSM asshat who trotted out the tired canard of blogs being less accurate than the MSM because they don't have editors.

Shame on Blogless Brother for breaking tradition.

Heh. He forgot a title - but I love this line:

If I didn't have better thing's to do like rearrangeing my sock drawer I'd be fire bombing YOUR Embassy and pissing on a picture of mohammad but, since I don't want to offend my piss I won't.

Obviously my brother does not respect the beliefs of violently-rioting terrorists. How insensitive.

MONKEY JABBER PART 1 - AGAIN with the insensitivity... for shame... Anyway, since you probably don't know what "Haneek rabbak" means and he failed to link to the translation, you can check this (extremely not safe for work) list of Arabic curse words.

Yeah, I told him about the importance of expository hyperlinking, but since he's my older brother (by 2 years), he was too busy giving me wedgies to listen.

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Anyway, Blogless Brother (and you might seriously consider a new nickname, unless you enjoy the irony of it) you can pick up a Bad Example Family logo from this post, and you may, if you wish, blogroll the rest of the Bad Example Family using the handy blogrolling javascript, although neither is a requirement.

Membership in the Bad Example Clan is also an option, if you're so inclined to jump through the requisite hoops, but is not mandatory.

Meanwhile you can look forward - with either anticipation or dread - to regular visits and comments from me.

Welcome home.

Posted by: Harvey at 08:55 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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BLOGSON NOT MIA

Blogson Jeff of Ponytailed Conservative has dropped me a line to let me know that his reason for only posting once in the last month is because of a death in the family, which required his presence out of state in a remote and internetless section of the country.

Meanwhile, he HAS posted again, this time to point out that Hillary Clinton has her head firmly up her ass with her comments on the issue of the London-based company Peninsular & Oriental Steam Navigation Co. selling its control of several U.S. ports to United Arab Emirates-based Dubai Ports World.

Posted by: Harvey at 08:16 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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