Got these in a Million Times Forwarded Email from my Blogless Brother Roy and found them amusing. Hope you do, too.

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little Ralphy says, 'I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little Ralphy replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

Little Ralphy returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies Ralphy.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f*cking difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little Ralphy goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Ralphy says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Ralphy, that's a mouthful.'

Little Ralphy says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little Ralphy was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, Ralphy, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little Ralphy, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Ralphy.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f*cking beautiful!''

[Yeah, Michael f*cked up his answer, but he's an ass-kisser, so teacher gave him a pass]

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little Ralphy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little Ralphy replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little Ralphy answered, 'No, he minded his own f*cking business.

Posted by: Harvey at 11:06 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 605 words, total size 4 kb.

I was born in '66, and I aced this. This should be easy for Baby Boomers, and increasingly difficult for Gen's X, Y, and Z.

[Million Times Forwarded Email from Blogless Brother Roy]

MEMORY TEST! This is NOT a pushover test. There are 20 questions. Average score is 12. This one will be difficult for the younger set. Have fun, but no peeking! Good luck, youngsters.

1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?

A. Flintstones vitamins
B. The Buttmaster
C. Spaghe tti
D. Wonder Bread
E. Orange Juice
F. Milk
G. Cod Liver Oil

2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was...

A. Sugar Ray Robinson
B. Roy Orbison
C. Gene Autry
D. Rudolph Valentino
E. Fabian
F. Mickey Mantle
G. Cassius Clay

3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, 'We have met the enemy and...

A. It's you
B. He is us
C. It's the Grinch
D. He wasn't home
E. He's really me an
F. We quit
G. He surrendered

4. Good night David.

A. Good nigh Chet
B. Sleep well
C. Good night Irene
D. Good night Gracie
E. See you later alligator
F. Until tomorrow
G. Good night Steve

5. You'll wonder where the yellow went...

A. When you use Tide
B. When you lose your crayons
C. When you clean your tub
D. If you paint the room blue
E. If you buy a soft water tank
F. When you use Lady Clairol
G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent

6. Before he was the Skipper's Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's friend....

A. Stuart Whitman
B. Randolph Scott
C. Steve Reeves
D. Maynard G. Krebbs
E. Corky B. Dork
F. Dave the Whale
G. Zippy Zoo

7. Liar, liar...

A. You're a liar
B. Your nose is growing
C. Pants on fire
D. Join the choir
E. Jump up higher
F. On the wire
G. I'm telling Mom

8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fi ghts a never ending battle for truth, justice and...

A. Wheaties
B. Lois Lane
C. TV ratings
D. World peace
E. Red tights
F. The American way
G. News headlines

9. Hey kids! What time is it?

A. It's time for Yogi Bear
B. It's time to do your homework
C. It's Howdy Doody Time
D. It's Time for Romper Room
E. It's bedtime
F. The Mighty Mouse Hour
G. Scoopy Doo Time

10. Lions and tigers and bears...

A. Yikes
B. Oh no
C. Gee whiz
D. I'm scared
E. Oh my
F. Help! Help!
G. Let's run

11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone...

A. Over 40
B. Wearing a uniform
C. Carrying a briefcase
D. Over 30
E. You don't know
F. Who says, 'Trust me'
G. Who eats tofu

12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a t elevision commercial wearing women's stockings...

A. Troy Aikman
B. Kenny Stabler
C. Joe Namath
D. Roger Stauback
E. Joe Montana
F. Steve Young
G. John Elway

13. Brylcream...
A. Smear it on
B. You'll smell great
C. Tame that cowlick
D. Grease ball heaven
E. It's a dream
F. We're your team
G. A little dab'll do ya

14. I found my thrill...

A. In Blueberry muffins
B. With my man, Bill
C. Down at the mill
D. Over the windowsill
E. With thyme and dill
F. Too late to enjoy
G. On Blueberry Hill

15. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by...

A. Clark Gable
B. Mary Martin
C. Doris Day
D. Errol Flynn
E. Sally Fields
F. Jim Carey
G. Jay Leno

16. Name the Beatles...

A. John, Steve, George, Ringo
B. John, Paul, George, Roscoe
C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
D. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo
E. Lewis, Peter, George, Ringo
F. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel
G. John, Paul, George, Ringo

17. I wonder, wonder, who..

A. Who ate the leftovers?
B. Who did the laundry?
C. Was it you?
D. Who wrote the book of love?
E. Who I am?
F. Passed the test?
G. Knocked on the door?

18. I'm strong to the finish...

A. Cause I eats my broccoli
B. Cause I eats me spinach
C. Cause I lift weights
D. Cause I'm the hero
E. And don't you forget it
F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me
G. To outlast Bruto

19. When it's least expected, you're elected, you're the star today...

A. Smile, you're on Candid Camera
B. Smile, you're on Star Search
C. Smile, you won the lottery
D. Smile, we're watching you
E. Smile, the world sees you
F. Smile, you're a hit
G. Smile, you're on TV

20. What do M & M's do?

A. Make your tummy happy
B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket
C. Make you fat
D. Melt your heart
E. Make you popular
F. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand
G. Come in colors

Answers in extended entry... more...

Posted by: Harvey at 05:33 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 968 words, total size 5 kb.

Something my blogless brother Roy passed along

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

For those who are wondering, I don't eat a lot of sandwiches.

Posted by: Harvey at 03:32 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 45 words, total size 1 kb.

A Million Times Forwarded E-mail, sent to me by Beloved Wife TNT of Smiling Dynamite:

Posted by: Harvey at 10:23 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 300 words, total size 2 kb.

1

Posted by: Susie at August 12, 2007 10:04 AM (Dw6Z5)

2 LMAO

Posted by: ChrisA at August 12, 2007 10:25 AM (7yYW2)

3 LOL!!!

Posted by: Ogre at August 12, 2007 03:11 PM (GYzrk)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

Courtesy of Beloved Wife TNT of Smiling Dynamite:

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Posted by: Harvey at 07:26 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 69 words, total size 1 kb.

Got this from Bloodspite of Technography

OTHER FRIENDS: Never ask for food

MILITARY FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.

OTHER FRIENDS: Call your parents "Mr. and Mrs."

MILITARY FRIENDS: Call your parents drunk as hell and tell them about the fat girl you tried to pick up

OTHER FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.

MILITARY FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying, Damn...we f***ed up...but that was fun...but I'm not calling the CO this time!!!!"

OTHER FRIENDS: Cry with you.

MILITARY FRIENDS: Laugh at you and tell you to "man up, Nancy boy!"

OTHER FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.

MILITARY FRIENDS: Keep your stuff untill they PCS.

OTHER FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.

MILITARY FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

OTHER FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.

MILITARY FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowd's ass that left you.

OTHER FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.

MILITARY FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"

OTHER FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough.

MILITARY FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say, "You better drink the rest of that, you know we don't waste... that's alcohol abuse!!!"

OTHER FRIENDS: Will say "I can't handle Tequila anymore".

MILITARY FRIENDS: Will say "okay just one more"... 2 minutes later - "okay just one more".

OTHER FRIENDS: Will talk shit to the person who talks shit about you.

MILITARY FRIENDS: Will knock them on their ass!

OTHER FRIENDS: Will support you when you try to quit smoking

MILITARY FRIENDS: Will blow smoke in your face and offer you cigarettes until you cave, then call you a wuss for relapsing.

Posted by: Harvey at 08:10 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 319 words, total size 2 kb.

(via my blogless brother Roy)

If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers. The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period. That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. Capitol, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the nation, than you are in Iraq. Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington.

Posted by: Harvey at 07:42 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 111 words, total size 1 kb.

You've probably seen fact lists like these in your inbox before. Just for fun, I decided to try verifying these facts. Most are either true, or would require more research than I'm willing to do in order to confirm or deny. I've offered supporting linkage in cases where it was available.

The hard part about fact-checking these items? Search results tended to turn up this same list posted elsewhere, rather than independent confirmation.

Tell a lie often enough, and it becomes the truth.

(Snopes says: false)

2. Pearls melt in vinegar.

3. Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."

4. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

5. The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

(Snopes says: not any more)

6. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

7. Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.

8. The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)

9. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog," which uses every letter in the alphabet was developed by Western Union to test Telex communications.

10. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

11. Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.

12. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down-hence the expression "to get fired."

3. Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.

14. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts - Charlemagne; & Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

(Snopes says: false)

15. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

16. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

17. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

18. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

19. The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

(True: 3,213 feet Mt. Davis vs. Arikaree River - 3315 feet)

20. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All Star Game.

21. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

22. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white.

23. If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.

24. Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating.

25. Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice-president Al Gore were freshman roommates at Harvard.

26. The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.

27. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.

28. The man, who plays Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott (James Doohan) on Star Trek, is missing the entire middle finger of his right hand.

(Millions of Trekkie geeks say: true)

29. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

(Snopes says: false)

30. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

31. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

(Snopes says: false. "Most of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are set to 4:20 (but not all — when the kid receives the watch it's set at 9:00").

Posted by: Harvey at 06:03 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 708 words, total size 4 kb.

(A Million Times Forwarded E-mail from Blogless Brother Roy)

NOTE: I got 19 "right", although I don't agree with all the answers given. If you want to dispute an answer, please leave a link to supporting evidence in the comments.

Answers in the extended entry.

There are 25 questions about things we see every day or have known about all our lives. How many can you get right? These little simple questions are harder than you think-- it just shows you how little we pay attention to the commonplace things of life.

Put your thinking caps on. No cheating! No looking around! No getting out of your chair! No using anything on or in your desk or computer!

Can you beat 20?? (The average is 7) Write down your answers as you go. Check answers (on the bottom) AFTER completing all the questions.

REMEMBER - NO CHEATING!!! BE HONEST!!! That means no looking at your phone or anything on your desk....

LET'S JUST SEE HOW OBSERVANT YOU REALLY ARE. - If not, just have fun!

Here we go!

1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?

2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people don't know)

3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?

4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?

5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?

6. When you walk does your left arm ! swing with your right or left leg? (Don't you dare get up to see!)

7. How many matches are in a standard pack?

8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?

9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?

10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?

11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?

12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?

13. On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?

14. Which way do fans rotate?

15. How many sides does a stop sign have?

16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?

17. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?

18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?

19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?

20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?

21. On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?

22. On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?

23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?

24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?

25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise? more...

Posted by: Harvey at 08:15 AM | Comments (36) | Add Comment
Post contains 582 words, total size 3 kb.

1 19 as well. I feel really bad about the vhf dial thing to, the tricksy bastards.

Posted by: tommy at September 20, 2005 08:47 AM (EhwJT)

2 I have no clue about matches and can never remember it, nor the colors on campbells... I got 16... the others were stupid mistakes.

Posted by: vw bug at September 20, 2005 09:09 AM (J3xJ9)

3 I had 4, 9, 19 and 21 wrong giving me 21. Not bad. I had to really think on a couple.

Posted by: Contagion at September 20, 2005 09:27 AM (Q5WxB)

4 I impressed myself with 23 -- but there's no correct answer to #14 or #17 -- the fan goes whichever way I have the switch turned (all MY fans are reversible); and the number of lug nuts depends on the manufacturer -- I've seen from0 to 8. Well, you did say, "Let the bickering begin..."

Posted by: at September 20, 2005 10:01 AM (/k+l4)

5 Dang silly thing -- that we me that just posted.

Posted by: Ogre at September 20, 2005 10:02 AM (/k+l4)

6 22. I remembered some from the first time I took it on that oft emailed thing you mentioned.

Posted by: StinKerr at September 20, 2005 10:02 AM (0aiy7)

7 well, I got eighteen correct myself-- had no idea what a VHF tv was. Or the other dwarf . . .

Posted by: Andrew (Aris Ravencroft) at September 20, 2005 10:08 AM (mtIIe)

8 That Northern Hemisphere/drain answer is incorrect. Tests show no statistical difference between direction of drainage in either hemisphere. So, the correct answer is 'both.' Don't make me sic Adam and Jamie on you. Or Snopes. 'Cause I will.

Posted by: basil at September 20, 2005 10:27 AM (/kWTw)

9 21... vhf and phones aren't my friends.

Posted by: That 1 Guy at September 20, 2005 10:31 AM (24QL2)

10 Basil - Sic away. I *did* ask for supportive linkage. Here's the one for the drain: http://www.ucolick.org/~mountain/AAA/answers/physics/ph16.html And the Honda Accord 4-door sitting in my garage has 4 lug nuts :-)

Posted by: Harvey at September 20, 2005 10:40 AM (ubhj8)

11 18 correct could have been worse.

Posted by: Dr. Phat Tony at September 20, 2005 10:46 AM (fk/lm)

12 Looks like I hold the title for 'Village Idiot' again! 13 is what I got. Beat that for low score...

Posted by: Sarah at September 20, 2005 10:50 AM (TjUtr)

13 Got 18 here. I'm officially disputing number 25. My wife and daughter rode one several weekends ago going clockwise. Link provided shows they do exist, so the answer should be "both" http://images.myphotoalbum.com/p/pr/pri/prin/princ/princesshei/albums/pic_wid_cyn/P1010643.sized.jpg

Posted by: silentwarrior at September 20, 2005 12:36 PM (f8kXi)

14 I got 21 if I go by THEIR answers, but I agree with "both" on the ceiling fan. I DID know how many VHF channels there are, but that's only because I grew up in the olden times befoe cable television....

Posted by: Susie at September 20, 2005 01:30 PM (a0oF7)

15 Every stop sign I've ever seen has had two sides...

Posted by: Chuck at September 20, 2005 02:14 PM (JXgKx)

16 25 out of 25 Do I get a cookie?

Posted by: Sarah the penguin at September 20, 2005 04:39 PM (b/AVI)

17 SarahP - Even better - you get a spanking! :-)

Posted by: Harvey at September 20, 2005 05:09 PM (ubhj8)

18 What's VHF? ;-) I got 17.

Posted by: Sissy at September 20, 2005 05:32 PM (uXS+O)

19 19 too. Ugh!

Posted by: tbflowers at September 20, 2005 06:41 PM (5b51t)

20 I only got 20. VHF?!?! And I agree - 2 sides to a stop sign - I even changed my answer from 5 to 2!!

Posted by: Tammi at September 20, 2005 07:07 PM (WOrLQ)

21 24 out of 25. Dang gold on the soup can. And VHF? Come on - I'm 19 and remember VHF. Family used to own two of 'em. now UHF - that was a great movie.

Posted by: The Babaganoosh at September 20, 2005 08:09 PM (Ygzou)

22 23-I have to argue the fan question as well. VHF was easy. I grew up in the olden days, too and all the best kid shows were on channel 13!

Posted by: Anna at September 20, 2005 09:09 PM (nVvoC)

23 20. I was sure the merry g' round (it won't let me put hyphens in or include that "o," that makes it "questionable content") went the other way. I don't want to talk about it.

Posted by: Linus at September 20, 2005 09:20 PM (Bf+TD)

24 22 out of 25. My ceiling fan spins both ways... Matches come in books, small boxes, and big boxes... Techncially, those are all "packs." And 9 is not necessarily correct. If you've got a digital radio, the tuner can go down to 87. Analog tuners can go down this far, but a better wording would have been "What is the lowest number that appears on the analog FM dial?" Being a technical writer introduces all kinds of fun little quirks into your thought process.... 8- )

Posted by: LightFuseGetAway at September 21, 2005 01:54 AM (K6EdX)

25 I got 17 and yes I missed the lug nuts one. That is because in todays world there is no standard number any more.

Posted by: Machelle at September 21, 2005 07:19 AM (ZAyoW)

26 Harvey, I'm sure you missed #6, but don't feel bad--the Navy never taught us how to march anyway.

Posted by: Tennessee Budd at September 21, 2005 07:46 AM (fjXUW)

27 19, but only cos the water-down-the-drain thing is wrong: water goes down the drain CW or CCW, depending on different factors, The old "northern hemishere/southern hemisphere CW/CCW" fallacy is so old it has whiskers, but it's still false. Last person who disagreed on that got an all-expense-paid trip to my kitchen (double) sink, where I showed him one side draining one way, then the other side training the other way. Oh, and people who count the numbers of matches in a book are anal-retentive jerks. :-)

Posted by: David at September 21, 2005 09:15 AM (ACL5/)

28 "training-draining" Water obeys my will.

Posted by: at September 21, 2005 09:16 AM (ACL5/)

29 David, There's one match for every cigarette in a pack. Simple.

Posted by: Chuck at September 21, 2005 09:30 AM (JXgKx)

30 bah, 19. i remember VHF, but forgot there wasn't a #1

Posted by: Patriot Xeno at September 21, 2005 02:01 PM (YRSCV)

31 20 yay! I was one color away on the soup can. Green instead of yellow. And the lowest the FM dial goes is 87.9 since FM bands operate within a 0.2MHz range.

Posted by: SeanS at September 23, 2005 06:30 AM (cEjQ0)

32 Of course the question is what do they mean by "FM dial"? Is it the lowest broadcast freqency that's actually used? (87.9) Is it the lowest number printed on the faceplate of an analog radio? (8 Is it the lowest number a digital tuner will display? (87.5 on mine)

Posted by: Harvey at September 23, 2005 10:01 AM (ubhj8)

33 my venetian blinds cord is on the right

Posted by: Bakasan at October 08, 2005 07:35 PM (M7kiy)

34 Actually, a VHF has 12 numbers on it, not 11 (depending if your top number is 12 or 13). Count with me: 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 , 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 (U is for UHF, obviously) The lowest broadcast frequency is 85.5, which is what I answered. As for water flowing counterclockwise above the equator, that's a bunch of BS: http://www.loc.gov/rr/scitech/mysteries/coriolis.html It all depends upon how the water was introduced and the geometric structure of the drain. One can find both counterclockwise and clockwise flowing drains in both hemispheres. Some people would like you to believe that the Coriolis force affects the flow of water down the drain in sinks, bathtubs, or toilet bowls. DonÂ’t believe them! The Coriolis force is simply too weak to affect such small bodies of water. As for FM frequencies, in the United States, frequency-modulated broadcasting stations operate in a frequency band extending from 87.8 MHz to 108.0 MHz, for a total of 20.2 MHz. It is divided into 100 channels, each 0.2 MHz wide, designated "channel 200" through "channel 300." In actual practice, no one (except the FCC) uses these channels numbers; the frequencies are used. To receive a station, an FM receiver is tuned to the center frequency of the station's channel. The lowest channel, channel 200, extends from 87.8 MHz to 88.0 MHz; thus its center frequency is 87.9 MHz. Channel 201 has a center frequency of 88.1 MHz, and so on, up to channel 300, which extends from 107.8 to 108.0 MHz and has a center frequency of 107.9 MHz. Regards, BfB

Posted by: BfB at October 09, 2005 03:35 PM (vFUMR)

35 Oops, not sure how the "The lowest broadcast frequency is 85.5, which is what I answered." got on there. I copied that from my bro-in-law's email by accident. I answered 87.8.

Posted by: BfB at October 09, 2005 03:39 PM (vFUMR)

36 I think someone should turn over their playing cards. It says bicycle on the back of all 52 of mine.

Posted by: gurton at November 13, 2005 01:59 AM (bxOjK)

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She entered with a knowing smile teasing her lips, sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.

A handsome stranger turned, locked his steely gray eyes on hers and moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance. He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire.

With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided his hands through this tender, usually hidden territory, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her desire.

Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! It will never fit!" But with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze and smiled. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she came back.

Oh, yes, this woman would want more.

She would want to do it again and again and again.

Buying shoes does that to you!

[Hat tip to Pam of Pamibe for the Million Times Forwarded E-mail]

(By the way, be sure to buy Pam some shoes for her forty-*mumble* birthday tomorrow - Thursday, 8-4-05)

Posted by: Harvey at 02:43 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
Post contains 255 words, total size 2 kb.

1 You're letting your fantasies get in the way, dirty old man. :-) Just cause you think that way doesn't mean she does or ever would. Never inprison anyone - trust them and they will return. Cindy

Posted by: firstbrokenangel at August 03, 2005 04:15 PM (V2q8y)

2 I used to feel that way when I got my hair cut. Hair today, gone tomorrow.

Posted by: tbflowers at August 03, 2005 05:05 PM (vvUTj)

3 Cili today, hot tamale!

Posted by: Madfish Willie at August 03, 2005 07:50 PM (ikJsr)

4 CHILI today... crap!

Posted by: Madfish Willie at August 03, 2005 08:09 PM (ikJsr)

5 Wowza. I gotta buy some shoes. Soon! heh

Posted by: Uber at August 03, 2005 09:36 PM (oXbKj)

6 Linda Lou doesn't care nothin' about no shoes, thank you Lord. Purses, though, she's gonna force me to end my life on the Poor Farm with those.

Posted by: Peter at August 04, 2005 12:43 AM (Laplv)

7 Thanks, sweetie!

Posted by: pam at August 04, 2005 09:49 AM (l6NIn)

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[from a million-times-forwarded e-mail from my blogless brother Roy]

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up.

Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself-- but I knew it wasn't true.

Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. That was when things began to sour at home.

One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to! avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If
you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss.

"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche.

I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors...They didn't open . The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting.

At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.

Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today, I registered to vote as a Democrat.

Posted by: Harvey at 08:30 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
Post contains 500 words, total size 3 kb.

I got this forwarded to me. You might like it. It's an updated version of Footprints.

Imagine you and the Lord Jesus are walking down the road together. For much of the way, the Lord's footprints go along steadily, consistently, rarely varying the pace.

But your footprints are a disorganized stream of zigzags, starts, stops, turnarounds, circles, departures, and returns.

For much of the way, it seems to go like this, but gradually your footprints come more in line with the Lord's, soon paralleling His consistently.

You and Jesus are walking as true friends!

This seems perfect, but then an interesting thing happens: Your footprints that once etched the sand next to Jesus' are now walking precisely in His steps.

Inside His larger footprints are your smaller ones, you and Jesus are becoming one.

This goes on for many miles, but gradually you notice another change. The footprints inside the large footprints seem to grow larger.

Eventually they disappear altogether. There is only one set of footprints they have become one.

This goes on for a long time, but suddenly the second set of footprints is back. This time it seems even worse! Zigzags all over the place. Stops. Starts. Gashes in the sand. A variable mess of prints.

You are amazed and shocked.

Your dream ends. Now you pray:

"Lord, I understand the first scene, with zigzags and fits. I was a new Christian; I was just learning. But You walked on through the storm and helped me learn to walk with You."

"That is correct."

"And when the smaller footprints were inside of Yours, I was actually learning to walk in Your steps , following You very closely."

"Very good.. You have understood everything so far."

When the smaller footprints grew and filled in Yours, I suppose that I was becoming like You in every way."

"Precisely."

"So, Lord, was there a regression or something? The footprints separated, and this time it was worse than at first."

There is a pause as the Lord answers, with a smile in His voice.

"You didn't know? It was then that we danced!"

Posted by: Harvey at 06:23 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 370 words, total size 2 kb.

1 Alright, I'll give ya that this is a beautiful revision. But I'm struggling to hold back snarky comments...

Posted by: _Jon at April 08, 2005 08:57 AM (g9Y9+)

2 OT--Harv: You musta missed this picture of me, wherein my identity becomes pretty clear . . .

Posted by: Oddybobo at April 08, 2005 05:12 PM (6Gm0j)

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One of those Million Times Forwarded E-mails via Beloved Wife:

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied ..... "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled ..... "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

Posted by: Harvey at 10:33 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 170 words, total size 1 kb.

1 That was a good one Harv. Oh to live back in the good ol' days.

Posted by: RedNeck at November 24, 2004 07:23 AM (Z5aIH)

2 Good one, Harv.

Posted by: physics geek at November 24, 2004 10:12 AM (Xvrs7)

3 I notice it took a man to screw it up. snicker snicker. Just joking. LOL. Thanks for the humor.

Posted by: vw bug at November 24, 2004 11:40 AM (aIwzh)

4 Yeah but they didn't have the Internet. ;-)

Posted by: Lynn S at November 24, 2004 12:02 PM (tQVwH)

5 I know it's supposed to be a jolke, but it's true. G D white idiots.

Posted by: That 1 Guy at November 25, 2004 01:35 AM (BUkfD)

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A little something for my religiously "one of the above" readers. Not MY cup of tea, but I thought these were cute:

1. Give God what's right -- not what's left.

2. Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's way leads to an

endless hope.

3. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.

4. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.

5. In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma--but never let him

be the period.

6. Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.

7. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face-lift.

8. When praying, don't give God instructions - just report for duty.

9. Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.

10. We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

11. The church is prayer-conditioned.

12. When God ordains, He sustains.

13. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.

14. Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

15. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.

16. Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.

17. Exercise daily -- walk with the Lord.

18. Never give the devil a ride -- he will always want to drive.

19. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.

20. Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.

21. He who angers you controls you.

22. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.

23. Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.

24. Be ye fishers of men -- you catch them & He'll clean them.

25. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

26. Read the Bible -- It will scare the hell out of you

Posted by: Harvey at 05:27 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 319 words, total size 2 kb.

via Blogless Brother Roy:

How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

Posted by: Harvey at 10:22 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Dedicated to everyone who's been battling big swirly winds as of late:

Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas

10.Decorating the house.......................... (boarding up windows)

9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights)

8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores

7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials"

6. Family coming to stay with you

5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling

4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities

3. Days off from work

2. Candles

And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas:

At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!

Stay safe, everybody.

Posted by: Harvey at 10:27 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 122 words, total size 1 kb.

... by the people listed below (from an e-mail sent to me by Beloved Wife):

"One way or the other, we are determined to deny Iraq the capacity to develop weapons of mass destruction and the missiles to deliver them. That is our bottom line."
- President Clinton, Feb. 4, 1998

"If Saddam rejects peace and we have to use force, our purpose is clear. We want to seriously diminish the threat posed by Iraq's weapons of mass destruction program."
- President Clinton, Feb. 17, 1998

"Iraq is a long way from [the USA], but what happens there matters a great deal here. For the risks that the leaders of a rogue state will use nuclear, chemical or biological weapons against us or our allies is the greatest security threat we face."
- Madeline Albright, Feb 18, 1998

"He will use those weapons of mass destruction again, as he has ten times since 1983."
- Sandy Berger, Clinton National Security Adviser, Feb, 18, 1998

"We urge you, after consulting with Congress, and consistent with the U.S. Constitution and laws, to take necessary actions (including, if appropriate, air and missile strikes on suspect Iraqi sites) to respond effectively to the threat posed by Iraq's refusal to end its weapons of mass destruction programs."
- Letter to President Clinton, signed by Sens. Carl Levin, Tom Daschle, John Kerry, and others Oct. 9, 1998

"Saddam Hussein has been engaged in the development of weapons of massdestruction technology which is a threat to countries in the region and he has made a mockery of the weapons inspection process."
- Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D, CA), Dec. 16, 1998

"Hussein has ... chosen to spend his money on building weapons of mass destruction and palaces for his cronies."
- Madeline Albright, Clinton Secretary of State, Nov. 10, 1999

"There is no doubt that ... Saddam Hussein has invigorated his weapons programs. Reports indicate that biological, chemical and nuclear programs continue apace and may be back to pre-Gulf War status. In addition, Saddam continues to redefine delivery systems and is doubtless using the cover of a illicit missile program to develop longer-range missiles that will threaten
the United States and our allies."
- Letter to President Bush, Signed by Sen. Bob Graham (D, FL,) and others, December 5, 2001

"We begin with the common belief that Saddam Hussein is a tyrant and a threat to the peace and stability of the region. He has ignored the mandated of the United Nations and is building weapons of mass destruction and the means of delivering them."
- Sen. Carl Levin (D, MI), Sept. 19, 2002

"We know that he has stored secret supplies of biological and chemical weapons throughout his country."
- Al Gore, Sept. 23, 2002

"Iraq's search for weapons of mass destruction has proven impossible to deter and we should assume that it will continue for as long as Saddam is in power."
- Al Gore, Sept. 23, 2002

"We have known for many years that Saddam Hussein is seeking and developing weapons of mass destruction."
- Sen. Ted Kennedy (D, MA), Sept. 27, 2002

"The last UN weapons inspectors left Iraq in October of 1998. We are confident that Saddam Hussein retains some stockpiles of chemical and biological weapons, and that he has since embarked on a crash course to build up his chemical and biological warfare capabilities. Intelligence reports indicate that he is seeking nuclear weapons..."
- Sen. Robert Byrd (D, WV), Oct. 3, 2002

"I will be voting to give the President of the United States the authority to use force-- if necessary-- to disarm Saddam Hussein because I believe that a deadly arsenal of weapons of mass destruction in his hands is a real and grave threat to our security."
- Sen. John F. Kerry (D, MA), Oct. 9, 2002

"There is unmistakable evidence that Saddam Hussein is working aggressively to develop nuclear weapons and will likely have nuclear weapons within the next five years ... We also should remember we have always underestimated the progress Saddam has made in development of weapons of mass destruction."

- Sen. Jay Rockefeller (D, WV), Oct 10, 2002

"He has systematically violated, over the course of the past 11 years, every significant UN resolution that has demanded that he disarm and destroy his chemical and biological weapons, and any nuclear capacity. This he has refused to do" Rep.
- Henry Waxman (D, CA), Oct. 10, 2002

"In the four years since the inspectors left, intelligence reports show that Saddam Hussein has worked to rebuild his chemical and biological weapons stock, his missile delivery capability, and his nuclear program. He has also given aid, comfort, and sanctuary to terrorists, including al Qaeda members .. It is clear, however, that if left unchecked, Saddam Hussein will continue to increase his capacity to wage biological and chemical warfare, and will keep trying to develop nuclear weapons."
- Sen. Hillary Clinton (D, NY), Oct 10, 2002

"We are in possession of what I think to be compelling evidence that Saddam Hussein has, and has had for a number of years, a developing capacity for the production and storage of weapons of mass destruction."
- Sen. Bob Graham (D, FL), Dec. 8, 2002

"Without question, we need to disarm Saddam Hussein. He is a brutal, murderous dictator, leading an oppressive regime ... He presents a particularly grievous threat because he is so consistently prone to
miscalculation ... And now he is miscalculating America's response to his continued deceit and his consistent grasp for weapons of mass destruction
... So the threat of Saddam Hussein with weapons of mass destruction is real
..."
- Sen. John F. Kerry (D, MA), Jan. 23. 2003

I promise never to trust them again.

Posted by: Harvey at 06:36 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I got this in an e-mail tonight from Blogless Brother Roy. Personally, I'm "none of the above" in the religion category, but I still think this poem captures the essence of Christianity as it's held and practiced by most decent people, so I thought I'd share it for the sake of my "one of the above" readers.

NOTE: The e-mail I got credited this to Maya Angelou. The original author of this poem was actually Carol Wimmer, and there appear to be several different versions floating around. I like this one best.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean living"
I'm whispering "I was lost,"
Now I'm found and forgiven

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need CHRIST to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
and need HIS strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain,
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I was just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow.

Posted by: Harvey at 12:54 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 274 words, total size 1 kb.

Something my blogless brother Dave passed along to me for my amusement (it's just a joke, not a true story):

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over.

Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out I D 1 0 T.

I used to like Harold.

Posted by: Harvey at 11:39 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 161 words, total size 1 kb.

[A couple items from an e-mail forwarded to me by blogless brother Roy]

The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Louisville and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

and

A Kentucky State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75.

The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "'Bout whut?"

Posted by: Harvey at 06:39 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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