June 30, 2006

DEAD OR ALIVE, YOU'RE BLOGGING WITH ME

SilentWarrior of Ramblings of an Ordinary posted a question:

If you had a choice between rocking a chair in your waning years, or using technology to further the life experience...which would you take? What price would you pay?

To which I commented:

Just put my brain in a jar and stick me on top of Robocop

So Silent jumped into his time machine, went forward 50 years, and took my picture:

(click to enlarge)

I really gotta be more careful what I wish for.

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Threatening World Peace

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

The Pew Research Group conducted of survey European, Muslim, and other useless nations and concluded that most people consider the US to be a bigger threat to world peace than Iran's nuclear program.

Piffle.

Neither one of those is a significant threat to world peace.

You want to know what REALLY threatens world peace? I've got a list:



Ted Kennedy's driver's license

Global cooling warming temperature stagnation.

People cutting into my traffic lane when I'm not watching the road because I'm busy cleaning my gun.

Saying "Michelle Malkin sure is cute" when SarahK is in the room.

Spanish apes with legal rights. Is there no stopping the accursed monkey menace?

Selling cars so small that you'd be lucky to fit a single clown into them.

clown car.jpg

My wife changing my Google settings to "Safe Search". Doesn't she know that viewing nude olsen twins pictures is crucial to worldwide geopolitical stability?

Any operational printing press at the New York Times.

Toddlers holding chem warfare drills.

toddler chem warfare.jpg

Donald Rumsfeld buying a new pair of strangling-gloves and needing to "break them in".

President Hillary Clinton



Oh, and live terrorists. The US military REALLY needs to do something about that one.

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Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil and Really, Really Drunk - Part 9

Over at Drunken Wisdom. Not safe for kids who've been weaned.

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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

In her love, I am the hero, the king, the poet, and alive.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

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TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(some design that looks like it may contain the letters A & W)]

Bob, the soft-hearted manager of the local A&W, went out of his way to hire former gang members to work for him as a way to "give back to the community". While mostly successful, there was still the occasional problem with workers gang-tagging the till.

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TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)



1) (T/F) Mr. Burns stole a trillion-dollar bill from the U.S. Government

2) What are you not allowed to do to Larry the Bus Driver?

3) Who does Homer accidentally shoot out of a torpedo tube?

4) Who provided the voice for Moe's girlfriend, Renee?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

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June 29, 2006

TAGGED?

Bastard.

Which Sitcom character would I like to be?

Jeff Albertson, aka Comic Book Guy, from the Simpsons.

Why?

So that I can say:

"Worst. Meme. Ever."

This thing ends here.

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MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Filthy Lie Assignment Reminder: How will Evil Glenn be celebrating Independence Day? due by 11:59pm EDT Friday, June 30th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

A Filthy Lie

Precision Guided Humor Round-up: Threatening World Peace

New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: In addition to "fasts" that don't exclude food, what other half-hearted, watered-down protest techniques will hip-and-trendy anti-war protesters be using this summer?

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ON BABY NAMES

Bloggranddaughter Irish Pixie of Pixie Dust Productions is riding the pregnancy train. As a happily childless man, I should know better than to get involved in this discussion, but Pixie brought it on herself by mentioning:

Speaking of names. I like-

Boy- Aidan Connor
Girl- Dakota Rayne or Dakota Leigh

Your baby, your call, but I'd highly recommend avoiding names found at this site.

Here's where the 3-part alphabetical list can be found if you want to do a quick check of your choices.

Rules of thumb:

Boys - Use more consonants than vowels.
Girls - Don't name her after a state that's west of the Mississippi.

Check this site to find something slightly less hip & trendy.

Don't let your boy to be the 7th Aiden in his graduating class.

Posted by: Harvey at 08:11 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I can't wait to be with you, see your smile, look in your eyes, feel your sweet touch, hear your perfect words and kiss your perfect lips.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

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TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[57]

Although it requires significantly more flexibility than the more famous numerically-denoted sexual position, its devotees claim that the ecstasy is worth the effort.

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TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)



1) (T/F) "Diamond" Joe Quimby is the mayor of Springfield

2) Which division does Homer work in [at the nuclear power plant... and it's usually referred to as a "sector"]?

3) Who is Apu married to?

4) What do Apu and Manjula have hanging on the wall above their bed?

[Nice question-placement, guys]

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

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June 28, 2006

COURTESY LINKAGE

Carnival of the Vanities #197 is up at Lil' Duck Duck.

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Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil and Really, Really Drunk - Part 8

Over at Drunken Wisdom

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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

You are my first, last, and only dream at night.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

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TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[For PASSING ONLY]

Those who complete Olivia Newman's Lesbian Yoga course receive a unique graduation certificate after completing the auto-cunnilingus final exam.

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TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)



1) (T/F) Whe the kids are stranded on the island, they accuse Bart of eating all the food.

2) When the kids are stranded on the island, who actually ate most of the food?

3) (T/F) Three religions Moe has been associated with are Movementarianism, Snake Handling, and Voodoo

4) Who are the Movementarian recruiters that get the Simpsons to join their sect?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

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June 27, 2006

NAMETAGS OF EVIL

Trying to keep her young and irresponsible underlings in line, Bloggranddaughter Sissy of ... And What Next is considering the following punishment for workers who forget their nametags:

I'm thinking of making a name tag that has this really awful name or something that they have to wear when they forget theirs.

I'm thinking "Sue" for the guys, and "Butch" for the girls.

What "punishment name tags" would YOU make?

Posted by: Harvey at 08:21 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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Fun Facts About Minnesota

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.



Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to grab your big blue ox and start lumberjacking your way through Bunyan country because we're going to Minnesota, so let's get started...

Minnesota became the 32nd state on May 11th, 1858 and was originally settled by a lost tribe of Norwegians seeking refuge from the searing heat of Wisconsin's winters.

The state flag of Minnesota consists of a blue background upon which sits a design best described as "how a 7-year-old city girl would draw a picture titled 'Life on the Farm'".

Minnesota gets it's name from the Sioux Indian word "Mah-nee-soo-tah", meaning "No, really, they eat fish soaked in lye".

The state song of Minnesota is "Someday the Vikings Will... Aw, Nevermind"

The Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota covers 9.5 million square feet and has enough space to hold 185,000 idiot teenagers yapping away on cell phones.

Madison, Minnesota is known as "The Lutefisk Capital of the World". Avoid this city at all costs.

"The Mary Tyler Moore Show" was set in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and was Mary's first real acting job since leaving the "Dick Van Dyke Show". The show - about a single woman's struggle to find happiness in the big city - was originally titled "Life Without Dick", but that was changed for some reason.

The state motto of Minnesota is, "Where even a man who wears a feather boa can grow up to be Governor."

Downtown Minneapolis has an enclosed skyway system covering 52 blocks, allowing people to live, work, eat, and sleep without ever going outside. The only downside to this is that an Eloi occasionally turns up missing.

Cartoonist Charles M. Shultz was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and was the only artist to accurately depict the perfectly circular heads of Minnesota natives.

The Hormel company of Austin, Minnesota produces 6 million cans of spam a year, even though no one actually eats that crap.

The first water skis were invented in Lake City, Minnesota by Ralph Samuelson in 1922. Sadly, he drowned shortly afterwards, as the motorboat hadn't been invented yet.

St. Paul, Minnesota was originally named "Pig's Eye", after French Canadian whiskey trader Pierre "Pig's Eye" Parrant. Its "twin city", Minneapolis, was known as "Pig's Colon".

The stapler was invented in Swingline, Minnesota by a chubby, mumbling man named Milton in 1999. The city was mysteriously destroyed by fire later that year.

Pelican Rapids is home to a 16-foot-tall concrete pelican, which subsists on a diet of 4-foot-long concrete fish.

In 1973, Olivia, Minnesota erected a 25-foot tall fiberglass corn cob to celebrate its rich, agricultural heritage. In 1974, it was eaten by a 50-foot statue of Babe the Blue Ox.

Yeah, Minnesota has a LOT of problems with statue cannibalism.

Minnesota licensce plates are blue & white and contain the phrase "Blizzards on Independence Day - You Get Used To It."

Frank C. Mars, founder of the Mars Candy Co. was born in Newport, Minnesota. His 3 Musketeers candy bar originally contained three bars in one wrapper, each filled with a different flavor nougat - chocolate, spam, and lutefisk.

The first fully automatic pop-up toaster was invented in Minneapolis, Minnesota in 1926, Minnesota's stringent bread-control laws currently only allow residents to own semi-automatic toasters.

Tonka Trucks continue to be manufactured in Minnetonka, Minnesota, despite the thousands of GI Joe dolls killed by them annually in rollover accidents.

No airbags, no seatbelts... these things are DEATHTRAPS, I tell ya!

Author Laura Ingalls Wilder was born in Walnut Creek, Minnesota, and was famous for writing the "Little House" series of books, as well as inventing the "Spam Diet" - which consists of looking at a plate of Spam until you lose your appetite.

Much like the "Lutefisk Diet".

The snowmobile was invented in Roseau, Minnesota so as to allow families a means of attending Independence Day picnics.

Contrary to popular myth, you can NOT buy a 1-ounce can of Coke in Minnesota.

Singer Judy Garland was born in Grand Rapids, Minnesota. All gay men are required by their religion to make a pilgrimmage there at least once in their lifetimes.

Hookers in Minnesota are easy to spot. They're the ones wearing crotchless parkas.

Minnesotans are almost indistinguishable from Wisconsinites. The only way to tell them apart is to ask if they voted for Mondale in '84.

...That wraps up the Minnesota edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be wearing my "s" & "i" keys down to nubs as I type about Mississippi.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go take a closer look at that chick's parka.

Posted by: Harvey at 07:17 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Your words are my food, your breath is my wine. You are everything to me.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

Posted by: Harvey at 05:59 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 30 words, total size 1 kb.

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