August 24, 2006

Terrorist Awareness Quiz

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

I think it's wonderful that citizens are aware of the terrorist threat, but recently there have been several false alarms turned in by folks who obviously aren't qualified to spot terrorists. For example:

Cargo container full of explosives in Seattle!... just dirty rags.

1000 cell phones bought by Arabs for explosive triggers!... just buying them cheap to re-sell later.

Crazed jihadi hijacks plane with napalm!... just a claustrophobic grandmother with a jar of vaseline.

Are YOU qualified to spot terrorist threats? Take this short quiz and find out:

1. 12 men are huddled together whispering to each other. They are.
a) Terrorists
b) A football team about to get a 5-yard penalty
c) The Disciples killing time waiting for Jesus to get back from Starbucks with their morning coffee.

2. Someone sits at a workbench, alternately mumbling curses and prayers to himself as he sticks wires into high explosives. This is:
a) Terrorist activity
b) Just another day at Industrial Light & Magic
c) The ever-optimistic Wile E. Coyote

3. An angry, bearded man shakes his fists and ululates at the sky. He is:
a) A terrorist
b) Harvey stepping on a nail
c) Al Gore giving a speech

4. A stray dog wanders up to you as you sit at an outdoor cafe. You should:
a) Suspect that terrorists have strapped explosives to it
b) Change tables - your shoes are both expensive and not drool-proof
c) Angrily send the dog back into the kitchen, complaining that you specifically ordered "well done".

5. You see a piece of unattended luggage at the airport. It's probably:
a) A terrorist's explosive device
b) A clue in some stupid race-around-the-world reality show
c) Odo doing undercover work

6. Middle-Eastern men are taking surreptitious camera-phone pictures near a national landmark. They are:
a) Gathering intelligence for a future terrorist attack
b) Just dorky tourists who are too cheap to buy a REAL camera
c) Gathering photos for later uploading to their hotnakedankles.com porn site

7. You open a package and notice a white, powdery substance. This is a case of:
a) A terrorist anthrax assault
b) The post office brutally mishandling your order of Enzyte
c) You forgetting to wash your hands after scattering lime over the shallow graves in your basement

Score as follows:

a - 1 point
b - 2 points
c - 3 points

Grading:

1-6 points: Either you suck at math or you skipped a question.

7-11 points: You're far too twitchy to be trusted with our national security. Lock yourself in a closet with a Louisville Slugger, ya big scaredy-cat!

12-16 points: Your finely-honed sense of danger is balanced with a generous dollop of common sense. America needs more people like you. An Army recruiter will be contacting you shortly.

17-21 points: Fictional characters? Dog-eating? Hiding bodies? You're a criminally insane psychotic freak. A danger to yourself and others. A Marine recruiter will be contacting you shortly.

22 or more points: CHEATER!

So... how did you do?

NOTE: Please be aware that scoring 22 or more points may cause you to be contacted by the DNC's "Get Out the Vote" committee.

Posted by: Harvey at 02:35 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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August 17, 2006

Reuters News Flash!

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

"After yet another vicious, unprovoked Israeli attack, the victims..." Oh, come ON, Reuters! You're not even trying anymore!

Posted by: Harvey at 07:38 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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August 12, 2006

The New Cuba

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

With his brother in the hospital, Raul Castro has wasted no time shaking things up in the country he now controls. In a mere 10 days he's made several notable changes in Cuba:



* Relaxing the ban on American corporations. Even going so far as personally pinching the ceremonial first ass at the new Havana Hooters.

* Upgrading the country's numerous rusted out 1950's Chevys by installing broken 8-track players.

* Being more like Bill Clinton, except with better cigars and hotter interns.

* Growing himself a nice, bushy, dictator-beard, like Fidel, Saddam, and that ruthless bastard Santa.

* Guaranteeing the right of free speech to all citizens as long as they don't use the letter "e".

* Ending the program of automatic Cuban citizenship for the constant flood of American refugees washing up on their shores.

* Random beatings of political prisoners will no longer include hideous Ricky Martin background music.

* Replacing layers of filth encrusting the streets of Havana with more wholesome layers of crud.

* Replacing numerous giant pictures of Fidel with numerous giant pictures of hot IDF chicks.

* Legalizing the importation of Viagra from America so that he can resolve his "Cuban Missile Crisis".



He's still working on getting the Fidel Castro urinal sticker factory up and running, but production is expected to start any day now.

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August 04, 2006

Israel's Top Secret War Plans - Revealed!

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Figured I should follow the lead of the New York Times and start revealing Israel's covert ops, since it's the hip & trendy thing to do when a nation battles terrorists:



* Use uncircumsized bullets - the full metal foreskin provides extra stopping-power.

* Secretly plant an anti-Semitic parrot in Mel Gibson's house to make him look bad.

* Refer to the terrorists as "tar babies". If they get offended, apologize by saying "We're sorry if our thick Israeli accents made you cry-babies misunderstand what we said."

* Use the Force.

* Develop new head-exploding sonic weapon that transmits a focused beam of Fran Drescher's hideous voice.

* Refuse to negotiate for the release of hostages, but hint that they might be willing to haggle a bit.

* Institute policy of deliberately targeting innocent Lebanese civilians who get paid by Hezbollah to fire rockets into Israel.

* Have IDF stop toying with the terrorists and switch their swords to their right hands.

* Threaten terrorists with ICBM's (Intercontinental Ballistic Mohels)

* As Arabs try to push Israel into the sea, back up real quick and laugh when they fall on their faces.

* Feed Popeye some spinach and tell him Bluto is holding Olive Oyl prisoner in Lebanon.

* Kill terrorists 9 at a time with Ginsu Menorah.

* Get Kos to pick the terrorists to win.



By the way, revealing these secrets does NOT make me a terrorist supporter. I just think the terrorists have "a right to know".

...how they're going to die.

Posted by: Harvey at 07:41 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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July 27, 2006

Profit & Loss... Mostly Loss

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

In a cost saving move, the New York Times will soon be printed on smaller sheets of newspaper, and will cut over 1000 jobs.

Apparently blabbing the details of secret anti-terrorism programs isn't the money-maker they thought it would be.

And this is only the beginning of the exciting changes at the Gray Harlot. A number of other cost-saving and revenue-enhancing moves are in the works:



* Switching to discount brand "Gee, Your Whiz Smells Terrific!" urinal cakes.

* Eliminating wasteful i-dotting and t-crossing.

* Dumping over-paid reporters and getting news from know-it-all cab drivers.

* Instituting firm "no seconds" policy when hosting DNC fundraising dinners.

* Siphoning ink from New York Post printing presses.

* Hiring street-corner squeegee bums to clean the Times Building's windows, and cutting their harness ropes just as they finish the top floor.

* Switching reporters to a flat salary instead of the current pay-per-lie arrangement.

* Refinancing mortgage on the Times Building and paying off those high-interest Mob loans.

* Switching from regular printer's ink to much darker Hudson River water.

* Explaining to their paperboys that, for a mere $20 a week, they'll "make sure nuthin' bad happens to that nice little bike you're ridin'... which would be a shame".

* Using regular newsprint instead of that fancy, quilted kind.

* Stopping unrealistic "news stories unchallenged by bloggers for 30 minutes, or it's free!" ad campaign.

* Firing their fact-checkers. They just sit on the computer playing solitaire all day, anyhow.

* Cease using William Hung songs as subscription order line hold music.

* Waiting until Democratic candidate bribe checks actually clear the bank before giving endorsements.

* Replacing boring news stories with hilarious "Fun Facts About the 50 States" pieces.

* Which would also increase the paper's overall accuracy quotient.

* Saving on expensive photographer's fees by replacing pictures of President Bush with royalty-free chimpanzee clip-art.

* Replacing ink-wasting word "insurgents" with shorter "dudes".

* Three words - Arthur Andersen Accounting.



With these changes in place, the paper should be back on its feet, in the gutters, and raking muck in no time.

Posted by: Harvey at 09:40 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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July 20, 2006

My Fault For Not Reading The Fine Print

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

For some reason, I was always under the impression that the protections afforded to prisoners of war under the Geneva Convention treaty only applied to uniformed soldiers fighting for countries that signed the treaty.

Apparently you don't have to sign the treaty.

Or wear a uniform.

But who am I to question? The courts have reached deeply into this mysterious document and discovered rights for terrorists like Lance Burton yanking doves out of his ass.

I suppose the next time the question comes up, they'll find that terrorists have the right to:



* A box of sand so they won't get homesick. Used kitty litter is not an acceptable substitute.

* A supportive visit from Cindy Sheehan (non-conjugal), and a bite of her vanilla fast cream.

* A supportive visit from a goat (conjugal).

* A cell phone to vote for the "America's Got Talent" contestant of their choice and/or trigger an IED.

* A gasoline-soaked American flag and a Zippo.

* Only be forced to make license plates if they say "I H8 USA".

* A Rock hammer and a poster of Raquel Welch.

* An iPod loaded with that hideous, screechy, wailing music they like. Anything by Kenny G will do.

* Soprano sax?... Dude... that is TOTALLY gay.

* A turban, or at least a stylin' fedora.

* Weekly viewings of "Team America: World Police" so that they can hear someone speaking in their native tongue.

* Access to the Bush Administration's top secret war plans. A New York Times subscription is also acceptable.

* A Koran, a prayer mat, and a Jew to blame all their problems on.

* A replacement Jew if that one gets blown up.



I'm pretty sure that they're also entitled to a bullet in the head, and I think it's a shame our troops didn't provide that a LONG time ago.

Posted by: Harvey at 08:05 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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July 13, 2006

The Continuing Madness of Kim Jong Il

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

So last week, North Korea launched some missiles, called the tests "a success" when one of the missile crashed into the sea after 42 seconds, declared that they have a right to ICBM's, and demanded one-on-one negotiations with the US.

Throwing things, lying, whining, crying... this isn't a nation, it's a tantruming toddler.

And like a toddler, North Korea and it's freakishly coiffed Grand Poobah of the Sacred Monkey Lodge (or whatever the hell his title is) will probably indulge in other bizarre behaviors designed to get attention. I speculate thusly on what Kim Jong Il might do:



Order pictures of a bikini-clad Helen Thomas to be painted on the noses of all North Korean fighter jets.

Change the country's name to "North Koran" to get more foreign aid from Muslim countries.

Accidentally drop his glasses in the toilet, then declare it to be a successful test of North Korea's "waterproof spectacle" technology.

Order airbags installed on all North Korean citizens to protect them from falling rocket chunks.

Tout Communism's documented success as a weight-loss plan. Move over Atkins!

Start doing press conferences in his bathrobe, which will keep "accidentally" falling open.

Actually read the Pajamas Media blog on a day when he hasn't been linked by it.

Call psychic hotlines and demand one-on-one negotiations with Miss Cleo.

Grow a matching poofy Hitler moustache.

Blame widespread starvation on an Internet Explorer security flaw.

Attempt to re-start production of the Edsel.

Attend official state military parades wearing a Hawaiian shirt, Bermuda shorts, black socks, and sandals.

Start answering the phone with "Ahoy-hoy?".

Teach the North Korean negotiating team the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique.

Order his army into South Korea. When South Korea complains, he'll look surprised, smack his forehead, and say "I knew I should've had them take that left turn at Albuquerque!".

Shoot Superman in the eye just to watch the bullet bounce.

Call President Bush "an iron-willed, straight-shooting cowboy who doesn't take crap from anyone" in a tone of voice suggesting that it was an insult, then giggle when Bush looks confused.

Break wind, then say loudly, "I AM FARTICUS!".

Only appear in public wearing a coonskin cap.

Wait... I'm sorry, that's actually his hair. Nevermind.

Claim that he can't help his war-like ways, because he was orphaned as a baby and raised by wild landmines in the DMZ.



If we're REALLY lucky, he might hire Bill Keller as his head of national security, but that's probably just wishful thinking on my part.

Posted by: Harvey at 06:11 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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July 06, 2006

Half-Assed Protests

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Cindy Sheehan & Code Pink have started their "Bring the Troops Home Fast", where - in exchange for the following demands:

* The withdrawal of all U.S. from Iraq;

* No permanent bases in Iraq;

* A commitment to fund a massive reconstruction effort but with funds going to Iraqi, not U.S., contractors.

they promise to eat regular meals.

Amusingly, Sheehan's idea of a "fast" isn't the normal one of "no food, just water". It's "a diet of water, teas and juices". Possibly the occasional Wendy's Frostie, too, although I don't know if soquids are allowed.

And for those who aren't even willing to give up solid foods - no problem! You can join in the "rolling fast", where you only stop eating on designated days. Yes, you too can share quality hunger-time with such celebrities as Susan Sarandon, Sean Penn, Danny Glover, Willie Nelson and the Rev. Al Sharpton.

"Stop eating on a designated day"? Guess what, Lefty Idiots, that's not fasting, that's DIETING. Of course "Bring the Troops Home Diet" just doesn't have that martyr-like ring to it.

I imagine, however that this "fasting with food" concept will probably inspire other weak, watered-down protest efforts that require no real sacrifice and have catchy names and the phrase "for the Troops" added so it sounds like they're doing something noble. Maybe protests like:



Poop for the Troops - Use the toilet but refuse to flush.

Death March for the Troops - Don't use your remote control. Walk up to the TV and change channels manually.

Fine for the Troops - Return your library books late.

Hubble for the Troops - When you take vacation pictures, make them slightly blurry.

Hobble for the Troops - Walk around your house barefoot until you stub your toe on a piece of furniture.

Fresh Step for the Troops - Go an extra day before cleaning your cat's litter box.

Get Moore-On for the Troops - Just keep eating until you're as fat as Michael Moore. If you're already there, shoot for Ted Kennedy.

Matte Finish for the Troops - Next time you wash your car, don't wax it.

Agent Orange for the Troops - Stand on the grass right next to a "Keep off the Grass" sign. Move along smartly as soon as a cop yells at you so that you don't actually get into any trouble.

Butterfatless for the Troops - Switch to skim milk.

Burning in the Flaming Cauldron of the Desert Heat for the Troops - Set your central air one degree higher than normal.



Myself, I'll be participating in "Stifle the Dissent of Stupid Neo-Hippies for the Troops" where I'll be mercilessly violating the free speech rights of anonymous trolls by editing their comments to make them look stupid...er.

Posted by: Harvey at 01:38 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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June 30, 2006

Threatening World Peace

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

The Pew Research Group conducted of survey European, Muslim, and other useless nations and concluded that most people consider the US to be a bigger threat to world peace than Iran's nuclear program.

Piffle.

Neither one of those is a significant threat to world peace.

You want to know what REALLY threatens world peace? I've got a list:



Ted Kennedy's driver's license

Global cooling warming temperature stagnation.

People cutting into my traffic lane when I'm not watching the road because I'm busy cleaning my gun.

Saying "Michelle Malkin sure is cute" when SarahK is in the room.

Spanish apes with legal rights. Is there no stopping the accursed monkey menace?

Selling cars so small that you'd be lucky to fit a single clown into them.

clown car.jpg

My wife changing my Google settings to "Safe Search". Doesn't she know that viewing nude olsen twins pictures is crucial to worldwide geopolitical stability?

Any operational printing press at the New York Times.

Toddlers holding chem warfare drills.

toddler chem warfare.jpg

Donald Rumsfeld buying a new pair of strangling-gloves and needing to "break them in".

President Hillary Clinton



Oh, and live terrorists. The US military REALLY needs to do something about that one.

Posted by: Harvey at 12:51 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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June 23, 2006

Less Offensive Terrorist Killin' Song

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

A Marine wrote a song called "Hadji Girl" (video here, lyrics here) that was described as "contrary to the high standards expected of all Marines" by Marine Major Gabrielle Chapin.

Since Marines aren't known for their sensitivity, I have to assume that the objection was that it didn't have enough brutal terrorist-killin'. So to show my support for the Marines, I wrote a sprightly little ditty that's - hopefully - a little less respectful of bloodthirsty Islamofascists.

CONTENT WARNING: contains censored profanity, violent imagery, disrespectful references to terrorist sexual preferences, and other assorted not-very-niceness, so it's in the extended entry... more...

Posted by: Harvey at 09:05 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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June 16, 2006

Alarm! Armageddon! Factoids!

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Recently Greenpeace wanted to say something nasty on the occasion of President Bush's visit to Pennsylvania promoting his nuclear energy policy.

Unfortunately, they sent out an early draft of the press release instead of the final document, and it contained the following:

"In the twenty years since the Chernobyl tragedy, the world's worst nuclear accident, there have been nearly [FILL IN ALARMIST AND ARMAGEDDONIST FACTOID HERE]"

Being a so-called "writer" myself, I just hate to see writer's block cramping someone's style, even if it IS a bunch of ecoterrorists so lame that they once got beat up by the French.

So here are some ALARMIST AND ARMAGEDDONIST FACTOIDS that Weeniepeace can use for their next press release:


... nearly three million square miles of rainforest decimated by President Bush. And that's just on his ranch:

bush_ranch.jpg

... nearly a a 35% increase in carbon monoxide emissions, mostly from Al Gore flying around the country shrieking about the dangers of global... something. It's hard to make out the words when he shrieks like that.

... nearly 15 million cases of leprosy in Iraq. Either leprosy or some other horrible disease that turns fingers purple. Probably due to depleted uranium dust. Or freedom. Both of which are known killers. You don't see North Koreans with purple fingers, do ya? I think I've proven my point.

... nearly 24 instances where Aquaman failed to save the world. Because he was weakened by toxic water pollution. If President Bush would keep dirty Mexicans out of the Rio Grande, this wouldn't happen.

... nearly 6 years of Karl Rove not being indicted. That's just CRAZY! It's like letting a rabid pitbull run loose around your neighborhood. A very Machiavellian rabid pitbull.

... nearly 3000 hurricanes - each with the force of hundreds of billions of tons of TNT - which have slammed into the coastal United States - killing millions of innocent minorities, women, children, and fuzzy kittens - while putting trillions of dollars into the pockets of Bush's oil buddies at Halliburton somehow.

... BUUUUUUUUUUSH!!!1!

... nearly a 10,000% increase in the number of prisoners being held at Guantanamo Bay since 2003. If current trends continue, even the prison guards will be imprisoned by 2012.

... nearly 50 people in Florida eaten by alligators because new nuclear power plants are being built, disrupting the delicate ecosystem of the alligator's natural prey - poodles.

... nearly 1 more dead Zarqawi, which has devastated the market for New Balance sneakers among the terrorist demographic.

... nearly a 300% increase in attacks by Ann Coulter, leaving thousands of innocent liberals dead or miffed.



By the way, if anyone can make out what Al Gore is shrieking, let me know.

Posted by: Harvey at 09:04 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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June 09, 2006

Michael Moore's Fundraiser

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Michael Moore is being sued for $85 million by a wounded soldier who was justifiably irked by Moore's unauthorized - and deliberately misleading - use of an interview he did with NBC. The way Moore made it look, you'd think the soldier was just another monkey-faced anti-war zealot, when nothing could be further from the truth.

If there's any justice in the world, Mikey's going to lose the suit. I mean, is it really too much to ask for America's deep-pocket-hating juries to accidentally do the right thing just this once?

Well, if they do, then that raises the question of where Moore is going to get $85 million, since everyone knows he's squandered all his movie royalties building a 300-foot, solid gold statue of a Twinkie, toward which he bows down to pray five times daily.

Surely, though, there MUST be someone in the Democratic party willing to hire a Goebbels-quality propagandist such as Moore to do a little creative cinematography?

I envision something like the following...



The screening of the new film ended. The houselights came up.

Michael Moore sat next to Hillary Clinton, nervously chewing his lower lip.

"Tastes like chicken," he thought.

Followed by, "I wonder if Hillary's lip tastes like chicken?... "

"Nah," he decided, "probably more of a strangled-kitten flavor."

At last Michael broke the uncomfortable silence.

"So..." Moore queried Hillary, "How'd ya like it?"

With eerie, ninja-like speed, Hillary grabbed Moore's collar and pulled his terrified face within an inch own rage-distorted countenance.

"This film," seethed Hillary, "was FIVE... HOURS... LONG!"

"To create a full-bodied artistic..."

"It shows me beating Chelsea with a coathanger!"

"Mild exaggerations were..."

"It shows me accepting a wheelbarrow full of cash - clearly marked "BRIBE MONEY" - from Jack Abramoff!"

"It was sort of allegorical..."

"It shows me smoking crack with Marion Barry while dressed in nothing but fishnet stockings and a steel-studded black leather teddy!"

"Some directorial license was necessarily..."

"IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A 30-SECOND SPOT FOR MY 2008 PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN!" shrieked Hillary, as she landed a vicious right cross that broke Moore's nose and then hurled him to the floor.

"Wait!" wheezed Moore, as Hillary stormed towards the exit, "I'm still getting my $85 million, right?"

Hillary paused... turned... considered... "Sure," she grinned, "you'll get what's coming to you."

"BRUNO!" Hillary called to her Secret Service agent, "Pay the man... Give him 85 million... in PAIN! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Is that some sort of Chinese currency?" asked Moore hopefully.

"Yeah," said Bruno, "it's Chinese... just like these here brass knuckles I'm wearin'... Here, have a closer look..."

Bruno paid the man.



Well, I don't know if Hillary ever got her campaign commercial, but I *did* see an interesting item on eBay recently:

(click to enlarge)

Anyone wanna go in on it with me?

Posted by: Harvey at 09:03 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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June 02, 2006

Things You Didn't Know About Jesse MacBeth

(A Precision Guided Humor Assigment cross-posted from IMAO)

In order to make America look bad, Iraq Veterans Against the War hooked up with compulsive liar Jesse MacBeth, who made up wild stories of his adventures in toddler-slaughtering while he served in Iraq.

Only problem being that he didn't actually DO any toddler-slaughtering.

Because he wasn't in Iraq.

Or even enlisted in the US Armed Forces.

Ever.

However, one small fib (ok, THREE) shouldn't make you doubt Jesse's character. I'm sure that - thirty years from now - CBS will find memos that confirm his story, as well as some of the other claims he made during his startling video interview:



* While working for Hitler, he invented the Jewsy-Bake Oven.

* Personally light-sabered the entire village of Tusken Raiders who killed his mom.

* Told Natalie Maines what to say through a hidden earpiece during the Dixie Chicks infamous London concert.

* Worked as a boy-toy delivery driver for Michael Jackson.

* Spent days chumming the waters off Amity Beach right before tourist season.

* Manufactured O-rings for NASA.

* Programming code writer for the HAL 9000 computer.

* ...AND those twitchy A/2 series androids.

* Planned the Imperial defense of Endor's moon against the Ewoks.

* Stalked the streets of London as "Jesse the Ripper"

* While head elf for Santa, he would randomly remove kids' names from the "nice" list.

* "New Coke"

* Converted "Who Let the Dogs Out?" into a ringtone.

* Drove a tank at Tiananmen Square.

* Invented telemarketing.

* Was the first person to say to a Palestinian, "Ya know, if you pushed the Jews into the sea, you'd finally have your own homeland."

* Wrote "The Communist Manifesto".

* Killed the scientist who invented the 200 mpg carburetor.

* Designed the unpronouncable symbol by which Prince was known for 7 years.

* "Jar-Jar"



Despite that last one, I heard that Imperial Veterans Against Star Wars is STILL continuing to support him.

Posted by: Harvey at 08:18 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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May 26, 2006

Stopping Iran's Nuke Program

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Despite the European Union's numerous offers of flowers & candy, Iran's lunatic president Imabigdweeby (or whatever his name is) still refuses to stop enriching uranium.

Need to put a stop to that.

So I recommend sending in the Double Secret British Special Forces Commando Team to shut them down with some of their patented pacification techniques, which include such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to World Peace, and possibly one or more of the following:



* Park a giant wooden rabbit outside the enrichment facility, then - when the Iranians bring it inside - they'll sneak out to open the gates for... RUN AWAY!!!

* Soundly ignore any and all Iranian complaints about dead parrots.

* Wear high heels, skip and jump, press wildflowers, put on women's clothing and hang around the gates of the facility waiting for a chance to sneak in and blow it up with the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

* Write a strongly worded resolution, wrap it around an arrow, and fire it into Imabigdweeby's bodyguard, Concorde.

* Burst into the enrichment facility, search it for cheese, and start shooting people if none is found. Starting with the bouzouki player.

* Taunt the Iranians.

* Taunt them a second time if necessary.

* Do something in their general direction, but only if it doesn't violate the Geneva Convention, because Amnesty International is like a freakin' pit bull on these sorts of things nowadays.

* Demand that the Iranians dismantle their nuclear program immediately. If they refuse, explain that you're very sorry, but you're not allowed to argue with them anymore unless they dismantle their nuclear program.

* Slap Imabigdweeby with a fish.

* Bomb the nuclear facilities, invade the country, kill the leaders, and steal their huge tracts of land.



If none of that works, I suppose we can always try giving the Nuts Who Say "Nuke!" a shrubbery.

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May 19, 2006

Donald Rumsfeld's Blog

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Donald Rumsfeld was on the Hugh Hewitt show last week, and he mentioned blogs.

I hope that means he'll be starting one soon.

I mean, sure, he's done a great job as Secretary of Terrorizing Terrorists or whatever his title is, but he's also a great communicator and his talent is being wasted.

If nothing else, at least he wouldn't be a weepy little woman like Tony Snow.

Granted, it probably wouldn't be the BEST blog in the world - just lots of pictures of him strangling journalists and hippies and feeding their twisted corpses to Chomps - but I'll bet it would have a cool name, like maybe....



* Rumstapundit

* The Only Good Terrorist Is A Dead Terrorist, and the World Needs More Good Terrorists

* Shut Up! I'm Trying to Hegemonize!

* Hand Grenades In The Podium And Other Keys To A Successful Press Conference

* What Good Is Having Nukes If We're Not Going To Use Them?

* I TOLD You Not To Listen To Colin Powell!

* I Don't Want To Beat You To Death With Your Own Press Credentials, But I Will If I Have To

* Invade Their Country and Steal Their Oil - Solutions To Illegal Immigration

* KILL! KILL! KILL! - The Rumsfeld Doctrine Explained

* You Say "Torturing Terrorists" Like It's a BAD Thing

* Five Point Palm Exploding Heart and Other Love Poems

* I Like You. I'll Kill You Last

* I Miss Napalm

* I'm Only Wearing Glasses So That My Eyes Don't Jump Out of My Head and Strangle You

* Pale Rider's Adventures In Apocalyptic Horsemanship

* Kittens, Puppies, Rainbows, and Other Irritants

* Remember When I Said I'd Kill You Last?... I Lied



Or maybe he'll just go with IMAO (Immolate Mutilate Annihilate Obliterate)

Any other guesses?

Posted by: Harvey at 02:02 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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May 10, 2006

A Better Sentence for Moussaoui

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Some folks are upset that terrorist scumbag Zacarias Moussaoui didn't get the death penalty.

Personally, I don't think he deserved death. I mean, he didn't actually DO anything, right? As the great philosopher Sideshow Bob once said, "Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry?"

Me, I think Moussaoui should become America's new symbol of Justice.

By which I mean he should be blindfolded, have a sword and scales placed in his outstretched hands, be encased in concrete, and placed in front of the US District Court in Alexandria Virginia.

The pigeons will take care of the rest.

Posted by: Harvey at 03:37 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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May 04, 2006

Dan Rather's Blog

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Recently rumors have surfaced that Dan Rather is contemplating quitting CBS and taking up blogging.

Now there's no mystery regarding WHAT he'd blog about - his cat, his colon, how much it sucks to be living in his daughter's basement - after all, he's lost without his teleprompter.

The only question is what he would call his blog. I speculate thusly on the possibilities:



* Rather Ironic, Isn't It?

* Speaking Half-Truths to Power

* Drink the TANG

* CBS Evening KOS

* I Am NOT Making This Up!

* Here's the Frequency, Now Stop Calling Me Kenneth!

* Delusions By Dan

* Democratic Underwear

* Funny Like Colbert, Except Not On TV

* I'm STILL Not Wearing Pants When I Sit Behind My Desk

* Now With Superscripts!

* Take A Memo

* Rather's Blathers

* Please Stop Fact-Checking My Ass

* The Ratherington Post

* How Much Is That Selectric In the Window?

* 43 Years At CBS and Not Even a Freakin' Gold Watch to Show For It - Cheap, Back-Stabbing Bastards!

* Oh Yeah? Well I Wouldn't Come Back Now If You Got Down On Your Hands and Knees and BEGGED Me!... Although I Suppose It Wouldn't Hurt To Try...

* D!scount V1agra! - The GoogleBait Blog

* Vast Mainstream Wing Conspiracy

* Courage - The Blog

* Authenticated Signatures, Journalistic Integrity and Other Oxymorons

* It's NOT Bush's Fault (Just Kidding)

* Crouching Liar, Hidden Agenda



He might also call it IMAOpodcast.com, since heaven knows THAT one's not being used.

Any other possibilities?

Posted by: Harvey at 07:21 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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April 28, 2006

Wrong Tony

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

I was deeply disappointed to hear that Tony Snow got the job as White House Press Secretary. I can't believe that President Bush overlooked all the many other talented Tonys out there who would've made better picks:



Tony Hawk - Need to dodge a tough question? Just jump the skateboard onto the podium and do a Figure 4 Calf Wrap Flamingo Pretzel Plant Brain Surgeon with a Mute Grab 900 into the press pit. Reporters will be too dazzled, distracted, and/or wounded to ask a follow-up.

Fat Tony D'Amico - Didn't see nothin', and will have the offended reporter quietly piano-wired when no-one's looking. If questioned, will respond "What's a moider?"

Tony Bennett - Political spin is always more convincing when sung to the tune of "Fly Me to the Moon".

Tony Blair - "I'd love to answer that question, but it's tea time, so sod off!

Dr. Phat Tony - Will brutally taser any MSM joker who steps out of line.

Tony Dow - He probably wouldn't be good at dodging questions, but it'd be funny to hear the reporters start all their questions with "Gee, Wally..."

Tony Randall - Tough question? He'll just fake a sinus attack.

Tony the Tiger - Has an inarguable, two-word answer to any question regarding whether Bush's policies will be good for America.

Tony Stewart - "I can't hear your stupid question over the sound of my engine!"

Tony Danza - The only question he'll get is "Did you every 'Danza slap' Alyssa Milano?"



It'd also be cool to have Anthony Hopkins eat the reporters' livers, but he's not technically a "Tony".

Any Tonys I missed?

Posted by: Harvey at 09:42 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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April 22, 2006

Secrets of the WMD Trailers: REVEALED!

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Lacking any fresh mud with which to smear the Bush administration, the "unbiased" media is re-hashing old accusations of President Bush lying about WMD.

Ok, so maybe those two trailers they found in May of '03 weren't "mobile biological weapons labs", but I have a hard time believing the claims that they were used to "produce hydrogen for weather balloons". Why would Iraq need weather balloons? Does the weather report ever change over there?

"Today will be incredibly freakin' hot with a [random number] percent chance of sandstorms. After sunset, your camel will freeze his hump off".

Anyway, here are my half-baked lunatic theories on what those trailers were ACTUALLY used for:



* Mobile helium production facilities - Those goofy terrorists just love inhaling balloon gas and yelling "Durka! Durka! Jihad! Jihad!" in a funny Mickey Mouse voice.

* Coyote trailers - Just in case any Mexicans felt like sneaking across the border into Iraq to steal jobs from hard-working Islamofascists.

* Super secret Death Star Control Platform - SHHHHH! Secret! You no tell!

* Scott McClellan's retirement home - Needed something big enough so that his chubby ass wouldn't get stuck in the doorway.

* It's where Michelle Malkin goes to strangle kittens with piano wire and/or mince them into brownies - Think of it as Camp David for MegaBloggers.

* It's where Glenn Reynolds goes to... aw, YOU know...

* Stolen oil storage facility - Since they only found 2 of them, President Bush wasn't able to steal NEARLY as much oil as originally planned.

* He was warned about this by numerous retired generals, but did he listen? NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!

* Originally designed as a Stupid Hippy Human Shield Transportation Device - Driven only once. Still can't get the smell out.

* Production facilities for Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream - Now you know where their delicious "Caramel Camel" and "Go Pound Sandies" flavors come from.



I was going to mention that they were also on Rumsfeld's "Things That Need A Good Nukin'" list, but - let's be honest - what isn't?

Posted by: Harvey at 05:43 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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April 14, 2006

Reuters Maintains Journalistic Standards

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

In their eagerness to shout "Dismal failure!" about the war, the Reuters news service blindly swallowed claims by Iraqi terrorists that they had video footage of them capturing a downed helicopter.

Well, they DID have footage - unfortunately the time stamp on it was March 19, 2000, and it was probably of a helicopter crash in Afghanistan.

So I guess I shouldn't have been TOO surprised over their coverage of the latest criticisms of Donald Rumsfeld (in the extended entry)... more...

Posted by: Harvey at 08:05 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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