(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Since Instapundit recently celebrated his 5th blogiversay, I thought it would be a good time to conduct an interview with Glenn Reynolds, so as to separate man from myth with this legendary blogger.

Unfortunately, Glenn had neither the time nor the inclination to answer my questions, so I put a pair of glasses on a teddy bear, sat him on a blankie, queried him at length, and used one of the many voices in my head to supply the answers.

Figured it wouldn't be TOO different from the real thing.

GLENN: Not true. Some of the evilest people in the world use "heh". For example, terrorists frequently say "Allah Akbar!" before blowing up school buses full of kids, which actually means "heh" in whatever monkey-jabber language it is they speak.

HARVEY: Why is your blog named "Instapundit"?

GLENN: Simple linguistics - "insta" means "really fast", "pun" is something that's funny in a pathetic sort of way, and "dit" is the spoken representation of the dot - the shorter of the two signals used in telegraph code. So - short, fast, funny, pathetic... all words women have used to describe my performance. I just sort of combined them.

HARVEY: What blogs do you read regularly?

GLENN: Including Instapundit?

HARVEY: Yes.

GLENN: Just Ann Althouse.

HARVEY: You DON'T read Instapundit?

GLENN: READ it? I don't even proofread it! That blog is just the result of Thunderbird-addled baboons poking randomly at keyboards & hitting the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button on Google. Then I have a mildly retarded parrot add a link to whatever pops up.

HARVEY: So it's a lot like a Kos "Open Thread" post?

GLENN: Yes, but with slightly less frothing Bush-hatred, and better spelling.

HARVEY: What made you decide to go to law school?

GLENN: Daily beatings from my parents.

HARVEY: You were a victim of child abuse?

GLENN: Victim? NO!... the beatings were a reward. I like that sort of thing. Doesn't everybody?

HARVEY: So... when you punched Frank J. that one time...

GLENN: Right. I was telling him to keep up the great blogging work. The boy's got talent. Unlike YOU, who I wouldn't even poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

HARVEY: Are you planning a sequel to your runaway best-seller "An Army of Davids"?

GLENN: Yes, this September, I'll be releasing "An Army of Destructo-bots: How Killer Robots Empower Ordinary Evil Overlords to Beat Any Rag-Tag Army of Misfits Those Pathetic Davids Can Raise". By the way, if you haven't already, you should buy my book. I need money. Those Destructo-bots aren't going to build themselves.

HARVEY: Why should people help you to enslave the human race?

GLENN: If you buy "An Army of Davids", you get a free coupon for a swift and merciful death. Everyone else has to listen to a Glenn & Helen Podcast as the Destructo-bot slowly crushes the life out of their bodies. MUAHAHA... I mean... heh.

HARVEY: Ok... well... that wraps up this interview. I'm gonna go run out and buy me a copy of that "Armada of Duckies" thing so that your shrieky, pteradactyl-like voice isn't the last sound I hear. Thank you for your time, Mr. Reynolds, and keep up the great blogging work.

GLENN: Thanks... um... aren't you going to punch me now?

HARVEY: Sorry. I'm saving it for Frank J.... besides, I wouldn't hit a bear with glasses.

Posted by: Harvey at 06:25 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 634 words, total size 4 kb.

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

After returning from his recent vacation, Glenn Reynolds said:

I think the blog actually improves when I go away!

Is that really true? Let's think about it...

* Fewer creepy pictures of Glenn showing off his flexibility by licking his own toes.

* Less Ann Althouse material when she's actually guest-blogging.

* No drunken boasting about how he "taught Johnny Cochran his mad rhyming skillz"

* Don't have to see that Michael-Moore-lookin' Porkbusters pig.

* No tiresome WKC vs. AKC smoothies debates.

BETTER WITH GLENN

* If Glenn doesn't leave, we don't have to suffer through that obviously-bought-off-a-website "What I Did On My Vacation" essay when he returns.

* Always have a handy reference if you're not sure how to spell "heh".

* Or "update".

* All you have to do to get an Instalanche is give "Army of Davids" a positive review - and sign your e-mail with your Communist Party membership number.

* When Glenn leaves town, the "Page 3 Girl" pic doesn't always get updated.

By the way, Army of Davids is a great book.

82634896

Posted by: Harvey at 07:36 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 211 words, total size 2 kb.

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Wait... that should read "Instapundit Turns Five", since his 5th blogiversary is coming August 8th.

Oh well. No time for the backspace key. Besides, I'm sure the original title will be accurate eventually.

Meanwhile, I figured I should get the guy a thoughtful gift, so as to curry his favor, allowing me to betray him after he accepts me into his confidence. Knowing how busy Glenn is what with his blogging, podcasting, book-pimping, hobo-murdering, etc., I thought I'd get him "Executive Decision-Making Dice".

Since the traditional gift for a fifth anniversary is wood, and I figure Glenn's too busy to throw TWO dice, I'm going to hand-make him a wooden 12-sider. It's a work in progress, but here's what I've got so far:

(click to enlarge)

If you have any suggestions for the other six sides, let me know.

Posted by: Harvey at 08:50 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 151 words, total size 2 kb.

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

I was browsing Instapundit recently and noticed that he recently took a trip to a brewery.

Odd... Glenn's into energy drinks, not alcohol...

Then I remembered how popular the Red Bull & Vodka mix is, and it occurred to me that Glenn might be arranging with the Downtown Grill & Brewery to start making some sort of puppy shake & beer hybrid.

Sure enough, I was right. Notice the label on that bottle near the bottom of the picture (circled in red):

(click to enlarge)

Here's a close-up:

(click to enlarge)

If you're out drinking in Knoxville, be sure to enunciate when you order your beer.

Posted by: Harvey at 10:04 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 116 words, total size 2 kb.

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

You may not know this, but before blackmailing his way into a tenured position as a law professor at the University of Tennessee, Glenn Reynolds was head of his own law firm (Reynolds, Duzzy, Cheatham and Howe). Some accomplishments of note during those years include:

* Pioneered the "I'm not wearing a tie at all!" defense, later made famous by Lionel Hutz.

* Pioneered the rhyming defense (later made famous by Johnny Cochran) for the Rodney King beating case: "Because they're white, what they did was all right".

* Discovered flaws in Einstein's Theory of Relativity, thus making the 48-billable-hours day possible.

* Whipped up puppy smoothies during trials so as to make his clients appear comparatively less heinous.

* Installed irritating extra-buzzy flourescent lights at the office. Giggled as the number of workplace shooting incidents skyrocketed.

* Got the Scopes monkey acquitted on appeal.

* Successfully sued himself for sexual harrassment based on several incidents of staring, pointing, and laughing at his wang in the restroom.

* Took malfunctioning office fax machine out into a field and smashed it with a baseball bat as seen in Michael Moore's documentary "Office Space 9/11".

* Improved collection rates on overdue Accounts Receivable by feeding deadbeat clients to carnivorous office plants.

* Improved courtroom win-loss record by doing the same with prosecuting attorneys.

* Stopped filing "frivolous" lawsuits. Started filing "Super Happy Lucky Fun" lawsuits.

* Saved thousands of dollars in contempt-of-court fines by installing covert "witness teleprompters" in his eyeglasses.

* Cut jury-tampering expenses by 91.6% by switching to judge-tampering.

* Won a hefty alimony settlement for Michael Jackson's old nose when it divorced his face.

* Linked to every legal brief ever filed by Ann Althouse.

* Cleared President Bush of slander charges by proving that New York Times reporter Adam Clymer really WAS a major-league a**hole.

Posted by: Harvey at 07:43 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 365 words, total size 3 kb.

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Like Michelle Malkin, Glenn Reynolds gets his fair share of venomous missives from unbalanced readers.

Unlike Michelle Malkin, surprisingly few of them are crude slurs about being a woman or a minority. Most of it is revolves around a perceived dearth of Instalanching, like this typical example:

"Why won't you link me??? Why don't you answer my e-mails??? After all the cool links I've sent you, you OWE ME!!! I HATE YOU!!! You're a stink-butt poopy-head, that's what you are!!!

Your #1 Fan,
Frank J.

PS You can make it up to me by linking this cool post I did on the Semite menace."

Aside from the "where's my link?" theme, however, the rest of his mail tends to fall into one of the several categories listed below:

Cease & Desist orders from the Precious Moments people regarding his line of "Satanic Moments" figurines - especially that "Hobo, Bloody Hobo", which is particularly nastly.

PeTA (People Eating Tasty Animals) berating Glenn for drinking animals, which is just sick and inhumane.

Long, obscenity-laced screeds from angry mothers who bought Glenn's adult movie "Tramp of the Penguins" by mistake.

The American Nudist Association trying to talk Glenn into joining their "Best of Blogging" organization: "Sleeping Naked Media".

Rejection letters from Fox saying they're STILL not interested in producing his show "So You Think You Can Robot Dance".

University of Tennessee frat boys sending death threats for selling them fake Spanish Fly. Usually containing the line "You said these were spurious. They didn't spur her on at all!".

E-mails addressed to "Professor Reynolds" wanting to know if he ever nailed Ginger while he was stuck on that island.

Or Gilligan.

Usually from Laurence Simon.

Posted by: Harvey at 07:09 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 328 words, total size 3 kb.

(A Filthy Lie)

IMAO is celebrating its 4th blogiversary this Sunday and I thought this would be a good time to post an insider's perspective.

When they hear that I blog at IMAO, most people say "Oh! How wonderful to work for a man like Frank J., who oozes funny as effortlessly as Michael Moore's belly-rolls ooze sweat!"

Well, the oozing IS great, but there are... other aspects... to the position that are somewhat less glamorous. For example:

* When Frank J. refers to the "IMAO Editorial Board", he's actually talking about the two by four that he beats us with while screaming "WRITE FUNNIER!"

* Once a year, all the team members have to make a pilgrimmage to Florida to pee on his cat's head for luck.

* If you write a post that gets less than 10 comments, he makes you eat a live scorpion while he watches on a webcam.

* About once a month, Frank sends out an e-mail with the subject "I've got a GREAT idea!!!". Also about once a month, the balance in the "IMAO Bail Money Fund" drops to zero.

* When Frank J. cuts the IMAO paychecks, he writes "money for funny" on the memo line. Unfortunately, his crappy handwriting makes it look like "money for fellatio". I get the oddest looks at the bank.

In gratitude, I bought him this little gift, which I hope he finds useful:

Posted by: Harvey at 12:57 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
Post contains 314 words, total size 2 kb.

(A FILTHY LIE holiday classic)

I was strolling through the park recently when I came across a familiar socks-and-sandals-clad figure doing... something... Curious, I inquired...

Harv: Hey Glenn, whatcha doin'

Evil Glenn: GAH! Don't sneak up on me like that. Don't you ever knock?

Harv: Ok [KNOCK!]

Evil Glenn: Ow! My head!

Harv: Happy now?

Evil Glenn [rubbing rapidly swelling knot on his forehead]: It's a start. Anyway, if you MUST know, I'm setting up my Independence Day fireworks celebration by wiring bricks of C-4 to this helpless family of adorable fuzzy little bunny rabbits.

Harv: That's evil!

Evil Glenn: Lawyer.

Harv: Yeah, but this is beyond lawyer evil. It's practically French.

Evil Glenn: Like defending Saddam Hussein against war crimes charges?

Harv: Exactly

Evil Glenn: Well, I was turned down for that gig because I blend puppies.

Harv: Ah, I see, you were too evil.

Evil Glenn: Not evil enough. Jacques Verges uses an industrial paper shredder.

Harv: No wonder he's defending Saddam. Anyway, I'm going to have to stop you from harming those cute little animals

Evil Glenn: It's ok, I'm making them wear eye protection. The won't be harmed, just exploded.

Harv: Well, as long as you're taking precautions, I guess it's ok. Have fun.

Too bad Glenn's a little fuzzy on the concept of "minimum safe distance", because, when I heard the explosion, I turned around and took a picture. This is what I saw:

(see extended entry for exciting conclusion): more...

Posted by: Harvey at 08:00 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 257 words, total size 2 kb.

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

In a recent Instapundit post, Glenn Reynolds mused thusly:

THE GLENN AND HELEN SHOW has been downloaded over 10 million times now. If we got just a dollar per download....

Which made me wonder... why would Glenn need $10 million?

I think the answer is fairly obvious... (see extended entry) more...

Posted by: Harvey at 11:19 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 69 words, total size 1 kb.

(A FILTHY LIE)

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Recycled from a previous assignment, because this is one DAMN fine piece of work.

Set in Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon, it's got lots of foul language & gratuitous violence. You've been warned... more...

Posted by: Harvey at 09:39 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 974 words, total size 7 kb.

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Recently at Instapundit, Glenn Reynolds opined:

Personally, I've always blamed the armadillo. Nasty creatures, armadillos. They carry leprosy, you know.

Seems like he's over-reacting a bit, doesn't it? Like he's got some sort of personal grudge against armadillos?

I wonder if this has anything to do with... (see extended entry) more...

Posted by: Harvey at 09:42 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 74 words, total size 1 kb.

(A Filthy Liecross-posted from IMAO)

On Tuesday, June 6th of this year, the date will be 6-6-6, which means nothing to atheists like myself, but for Christians it has some evil, Satanic connotations.

And since Evil Glenn is Satan's #1 fan, ya gotta figure he's got some kind of celebratory activities planned.

My guesses:

* Invite Michelle Malkin over for minced-kitten brownies & puppy shakes.

* Make up a Rocky-Horror-style script of things to yell at the screen while watching "The Omen".

* Yes, that will include some made-up songs where he robot-dances in a black teddy & stockings.

* Hold a hobo-murderthon to raise money for Soldier's Angels. Recommended donation - a buck a bum.

* Launch doomsday missile while shrieking insane laughter.

* Direct the remake of Serenity with a politically correct script.
MAL: "I aim to misbehave."
ZOE: "But Mal! You might hurt someone's feelings!"
MAL: "Didn't think about that. I better put myself in time-out until I calm down a mite.

* Go to a local park and blow up 62 hobos with illegal fireworks. If caught, claim that it was a celebration of the 62nd anniversary of D-Day.

* Sign up for classes to get his doctorate in Mad Science.

* Set off Cthulhu's alarm clock so that he'll be dead but awake.

* THAT'LL show that stupid, lazy elder-God.

* On-line Ouija board marathon!.

* Smugly admit to Frank J. that HE'S the one who's been re-programming his fruit-picking robots to turn on their human masters.

* Pilfer the demon currently possessing Helen Thomas for his own personal use.

* Just give up and let the voices in his head take over.

Posted by: Harvey at 11:54 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 328 words, total size 3 kb.

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Since I firmly believe in watching the watchers, I've bugged the NSA office and overheard the following conversation between agents Jack Boot and Eve Drop regarding their efforts to analyze phone records from the major telecom companies:

EVE: Unwad your panties, Jack, it's SIMPLE. All ya gotta do is just twist the data to fit your agenda and you can prove that ANYONE is evil.

JACK: Sorta like how the Democratic Underground trolls keep "proving" that Bush is Hitler?

EVE: Exactly... Here, let me pick a name at random and show you how it's done... AH! This Glenn Reynolds fellow will do...

JACK: Instapundit? But he's a right-wing warmonger! He doesn't fit the profile!

EVE: Look, strip-club-visiting muslims don't fit the profile either - except for the 9/11 hijackers! Ya gotta be willing to follow the evidence wherever it leads, even if you have to drag it kicking & screaming to get it there. Now, let's look at his phone records.

JACK: Here's a call to a "Mrs. Reynolds" in another city. Probably his mother.

EVE: AHA! Obviously calling to tell her goodbye before his terrorist suicide mission!

JACK: It was on Mother's Day. EVERYONE called their mother on Mother's Day... except NSA agents who had their mothers killed [gives Eve an accusatory glance]

EVE: She knew too much!... Anyway, that Reynolds is a crafty devil, timing his call like that so that we wouldn't be suspicious! Which is the most suspicious thing you can do.

JACK: Not as suspicious at THIS group of calls... must be a hundred of 'em to someone named HP. Who the heck is HP?

EVE: GOTTA be Hezbollah of Palestine! No other organization has those initials!

JACK: What about Hamas of Palestine?

EVE: That cagey BASTARD! Trying to throw us a curve with a dual-use acronym!

JACK: Either way, he's got terrorist connections. Now all we have to do is figure out where he plans to strike & how.

EVE: Hmmm... a call to Black & Decker... coffee maker division...

JACK: Of COURSE! He's going to use the timer from the coffee maker as a bomb trigger! It's the ONLY explanation! EVERYONE knows that obscenely rich best-selling authors normally only drink Starbucks coffee that's been hand-delivered by illegal Mexicans!

EVE: You mean Canadians - there are some jobs that are so demeaning that even Mexicans won't do them.

BOB McKENZIE: Here's yer coffee, eh? That'll be, like, 5 beers?

EVE: Here's a six-pack and a toque. Keep the change.

BOB McKENZIE: Beauty! I'm gonna take off, eh?

EVE: Yeah, get outta here, freak...Anyway, Jack, we know HOW he'll strike, but that information is useless unless we know the target...

JACK: Wait... I see a pattern here... he's called the Memphis Canine Rescue Shelter every day for the last... well... since the telephone was invented.

EVE: That MONSTER! Targeting innocent puppies! What sort of deranged freak would want to explode puppies into a thick - almost drinkable - liquid?

JACK: Who cares? All that matters is that we now have undeniable proof of his insidious plot! The evidence is rock solid! This one's a slam...

[phone rings]

EVE: NSA Civilian Entrapment Project. Eve Drop speaking... uh huh... uh huh... oh... oh, I see... thank you...

[hangs up]

JACK: ...DUNK! He's going down like a Kennedy driving an Oldsmobile into a lake!

EVE: Bad news. That was the Director. Seems that this phone number database we've been using is phony. BellSouth, AT&T, Verizon... they ALL deny giving us any information. Seems that only telecom that provided us with anything was Bell Alliance. We've been had.

JACK: DAMN! Now Reynolds is going to get away scott free! Just like a Kennedy driving an Oldsmobile into a lake!

EVE: Calm down, Jack... sooner or later, he'll make another mistake. We'll nail him eventually...

JACK: So... wanna hack into John Murtha's credit record and put in some unpaid escort service bills?

EVE: Jack, I *love* the way you think...

...always watching...

Posted by: Harvey at 09:21 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 717 words, total size 5 kb.

(A Filthy Lie)
(With apologies to Monty Python)

Evil Glenn: Good Morning.

Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the American Flower Emporium!

Evil Glenn: Ah, thank you, my good man.

Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?

Evil Glenn: Well, I was sitting on my throne of blackest ice, filleting a hobo, when a glance at the calendar reminded me of my matriarchal celebratory duties.

Owner: Matriarchal, sir?

Evil Glenn: Maternal.

Owner: Eh?

Evil Glenn: It's almost Mother's Day.

Owner: Ah, Mother's Day!

Evil Glenn: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little blooming flora will do the trick," so, I curtailed my homicidal activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some finely stemmed blossomry!

Owner: Come again?

Evil Glenn: I want to buy some flowers.

Owner: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player!

Evil Glenn: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!

Owner: Sorry?

Evil Glenn: Yo! He be jammin' bad, fo' shizzle!

Owner: So he can go on playing, can he?

Evil Glenn: Most certainly! Now then, some flowers please, my good man.

Owner: Certainly, sir. What would you like?

Evil Glenn: Well, eh, how about some Forget-me-nots.

Owner: I'm afraid we're fresh out of Forget-me-nots, sir.

Evil Glenn: Oh, never mind, how are you on Sunflowers?

Owner: I'm afraid we never have them at the end of the week, sir, we get them fresh on Monday.

Evil Glenn: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four of your sunniest Daffodils, if you please.

Owner: Ah! They've been on order, sir, for two weeks. Were expecting them this morning.

Evil Glenn: 'T's not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Foxglove?

Owner: Sorry, sir.

Evil Glenn: Spider Orchid?

Owner: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

Evil Glenn: Ah. Lady's Slipper?

Owner: Sorry.

Evil Glenn: Lupins? Chrysanthemums?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Any Monkshood, per chance.

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Snapdragons?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Goosefoot?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Scarlet Plume?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Lily of the Valley?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Amaryllis?

Owner: (pause) No.

Evil Glenn: Blue Throatwort?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Eustoma?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Cockscomb, Gillyflower, Love-in-a-mist, Evening Primrose, Statice, Mimosa, Peony, Stonecrop, Montbretia?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Carnations, perhaps?

Owner: Ah! We have Carnations, yessir.

Evil Glenn: (suprised) You do! Excellent.

Owner: Yessir. It's..ah,... They're a bit smelly...

Evil Glenn: Oh, I like them smelly.

Owner: Well,.. They're *very* smelly, actually, sir.

Evil Glenn: No matter. Fetch hither the brightly petalled glory! Mmmwah!

Owner: I...think they're a bit smellier than you'll like them, sir.

Evil Glenn: I don't care how f***ing smelly they are. Hand it over with all speed.

Owner: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)

Evil Glenn: What now?

Owner: The goat's eaten them.

Evil Glenn: (pause) Has he.

Owner: She, sir.

Evil Glenn: (pause) Lavender?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Bee Balm?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Snow on the Mountain?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Painter's Pallette?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Queen Anne's Lace?

Owner: No, sir.

Evil Glenn: You...do *have* some flowers, don't you?

Owner: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a flower shop, sir. We've got--

Evil Glenn: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

Owner: Fair enough.

Evil Glenn: Uuuuuh, Sweet William.

Owner: Yes?

Evil Glenn: Ah, well, I'll have some of those!

Owner: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. William Wensleydale, that's my name.

Evil Glenn: (pause) Sneezeweed?

Owner: Uh, not as such.

Evil Glenn: Uuh, Hyacinth?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Kansas Feather,

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Lady's Mantle,

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Kangaroo Paw,

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: African Corn Lily,

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Alpine Thistle,

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Chincherinchee?

Owner: Not *today*, sir, no.

Evil Glenn: (pause) Aah, how about Roses?

Owner: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.

Evil Glenn: Not much ca-- it's the single most popular flower in the world!

Owner: Not 'round here, sir.

Evil Glenn: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular flower 'round hyah?

Owner: Marigolds, sir.

Evil Glenn: IS it.

Owner: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.

Evil Glenn: Is it.

Owner: It's our number one best seller, sir!

Evil Glenn: I see. Uuh...Marigolds, eh?

Owner: Right, sir.

Evil Glenn: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.

Owner: I'll have a look, sir........nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

Evil Glenn: It's not much of a flower shop, is it?

Owner: Finest in the district!

Evil Glenn: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

Owner: Well, it's so clean, sir!

Evil Glenn: It's certainly uncontaminated by flowers....

Owner: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Daisies, sir.

Evil Glenn: Would it be worth it?

Owner: Could be....

Evil Glenn: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI OFF!

Owner: Told you sir....

Evil Glenn: (slowly) Have you got any Daisies?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:

Owner: Yessir?

Evil Glenn: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any flowers here at all.

Owner: Yes, sir.

Evil Glenn: Really?

(pause)

Owner: No. Not really, sir.

Evil Glenn: You haven't.

Owner: No sir. Not a stem. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.

Evil Glenn: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

Owner: Right-Oh, sir.

(Evil Glenn takes out a gun and shoots the owner)

Evil Glenn: What a *senseless* waste of human life.

Posted by: Harvey at 09:39 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
Post contains 938 words, total size 6 kb.

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

All he does is spend 90 minutes pimping his new book:

(click to enlarge)

On the other hand, I kinda like his new intro music, which is a dozen bars of "How Much Is That Doggie In the Window" that's cut short by the sound of a blender on "liquefy".

Posted by: Harvey at 07:28 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 68 words, total size 1 kb.

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Five years ago, at a Las Vegas Furry Convention, Glenn Reynolds met the love of his life, Bonita Bunny:

(click to enlarge)

Today they live in Memphis with their three children:

(click to enlarge)

You may have noticed that Glenn lets his kids guest-post from time to time.

[top pic courtesy of Cadet Happy]

Posted by: Harvey at 04:53 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 64 words, total size 1 kb.

1 Heh, Indeed....

Posted by: Richmond at April 23, 2006 07:52 PM (e8QFP)

2 Now THAT'S funny!

Posted by: RightWingDuck at April 24, 2006 04:01 PM (1AWMf)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

When Glenn received a copy of "King Dork" in the mail, his secretary wondered if someone was maybe trying to tell him something.

Which leads me to wonder what I should send to drop him a hint. A sort of subtle intervention, as it were.

For example...

This book says "it's time for you to get some help for your liquified canine addiction":

***

This book says "your last human sacrifice managed to leave a trail of clues, although you would've gotten away with it if it handn't been for those meddling kids."

***

This book says, "if you're going to practice a religion, then practice it religiously."

***

This giant flag featuring every protester's favorite dead 3-letter-name commie says "Mao is SOOOOOO 20th century. Get hip. Get trendy. Get sex from slutty hippy chicks. Get Che."

***

This book says "if you're going to punch Frank J., for Heaven's sake, do it right."

***

This CD says "how you dance is none of our business, but please do it in the privacy of your own home".

***

This 2006 Calendar says "I won't judge you, even though I disagree with your 'choice of lifestyle'"

***

And finally, this T-shirt says "wear one of these, and people will stop calling you King Dork."

Posted by: Harvey at 07:54 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 235 words, total size 4 kb.

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Saw this at Reynolds' site:

my younger brother worked as an assistant there, boiling down corpses in turpentine with his grad-student girlfriend. Now that's an exciting weekend...

Giving his hobo-murdering habits, this one isn't TOO surprising, but it does make me wonder what ELSE this guy does for fun.

Unfortunately I found out. Turn's out he's going to be spending THIS weekend at a ski resort in Vail, Colorado, indulging in one of his favorite recreational sports:

EXTREME PUPPY BLENDING!

Now that's an exciting weekend...

Posted by: Harvey at 05:46 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 97 words, total size 1 kb.

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

While surfing Instapundit, I was stopped dead in my tracks by this line:

"I've been hanging out with my grandmother, and enjoying it."

Odd. Outside of eating her chocolate chip cookies, I never enjoyed MY grandmother's company. Although her habit of balancing her dentures on her nose, tossing them up in the air, and catching them in her mouth may have had something to do with it.

Anyway, turns out that there are two reasons Glenn enjoys visiting Granny so much.

First, she always takes him out hobo-hunting:

"Look! It's Nick Nolte! Let's get 'im!"

Second, Elly May is totally freakin' HOT!

Now before you go "EWWWW! She's his cousin! That's just WRONG!", just be relieved that it's not his sister.

Not that THAT matters in Tennessee.

Posted by: Harvey at 07:52 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 145 words, total size 2 kb.

(A Filthy Lie)

I always suspected Evil Glenn was just too evil to be human, but in today's User Friendly comic strip, I finally have proof.

Sure, they don't specifically mention his name, but who else would a c-list blogger send an e-mail to?

Posted by: Harvey at 10:36 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 54 words, total size 1 kb.