August 08, 2009
It occurs to me that an endorsement from the President is good for sales, so I pulled a few strings and got The One to endorse this beleaguered establishment:
"I love Psycho Donuts!"
UPDATE:
Blogless Brother Tom found another pic of Obama grabbing a box of his favorite deep-fried, dough-based dessert products:
I guess Barry is a bigger fan than I thought.
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September 23, 2007
So the Victory Caucus has this "Stand by the American Mission in Iraq" petition that says:
We, the undersigned, call on our national leaders and fellow citizens to resist calls for a premature withdrawal from Iraq and to support America's troops under the new commander, Gen. David Petraeus, as they implement a bold new strategy designed to bring a successful completion to their mission.
Which is nice, and you can go over and sign it if you want.
But I think it's WAY too wordy. Here's how I'd write it.
W,Kill terrorists.
Stop when they're all dead.
America
Now go out and do something fun with all the time you saved by reading the short version.
Like killing a terrorist.
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September 21, 2007
The documentary about John's presidential campaign will be titled "Edwards Sissyhands".
John Edwards loves his teddy bears, which is why - if you ask him "Ginger or Mary Ann?" - he'll answer "Skipper".
John Edwards taught Monica that cigar trick.
John Edwards created the youth organization "Edwards Scouts" for boys who like to wear skirts and sell cookies.
Grunting, sweating, heavy breathing, rapid up & down motions - just John Edwards trying unsuccessfully to operate a click-top pen.
The most common word in the English language is "the". For John Edwards, it's "pedicure".
Bonus Facts:
From Silicon Valley Jim:
The first argument in John and Elizabeth Edwards's marriage occurred when Elizabeth used John's rouge before he was done with it. He'd already done his cheeks, but hadn't done his nipples.
From Jim:
John Edwards has every one of Michael Jackson's singles. Every. Single. One!
The constant characterization of him as an effete snob makes John Edwards so angry that he wants to scream and stamp his foot.
John Edwards does not mind being called a Metrosexual. He prefers that to what he used to be called: "pantywaist".
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September 20, 2007
"Let me be clear: There is no military solution in Iraq, and there never was. The best way to protect our security and to pressure Iraq's leaders to resolve their civil war is to immediately begin to remove our combat troops," Obama said in his speech. "Not in six months or one year -- now."
Or - to put is succinctly - "The best way to protect America from terrorist attacks is to prove to the psychopathic Muslims that we'll quit fighting if they just hold out long enough".
Dumbest damn thing I ever heard.
Still, there are people who'll lap it up like a cat going after a saucer of fish guts.
Which puts me in mind of Amazon.com's helpful feature "Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought".
So... "People Who Believe This Also Believe":
* Michael Moore is a pure-souled prophet who speaks truth to power, and - unlike black-hearted corporate media moguls - would ALWAYS choose integrity over revenue. Not that he's ever had to make that choice. Which just goes to show that the system works. Except that - as he's repeatedly shown us - the system is inverted, corrupt, and FUBAR.
* Animals have rights because they feel pain, unless they're screaming fetuses.
* Being murdered by a gun leaves you more dead than being murdered by a knife, baseball bat, or socialized medicine.
* SUV's destroy the planet. That's why liberals ride in limousines.
* Patchouli is an acceptable substitute for soap.
* People should give a damn whether you're offended by something.
* Nothing's worth fighting for, except metaphorically.
* Oral sex isn't, really.
* Anything you can do in the privacy of your own bedroom you should be able to flaunt in public, except prayer.
* Free speech means that you can say whatever you want and no one is allowed to tell you what a galactic fudgepile you are for saying it.
* Despite being a socialist trough-hog with little-to-no understanding of what makes America better than other countries, Barack Obama is eminently electable, and, indeed, is the best choice among the entire current field of viable candidates.
* Besides, skin color should be taken into consideration when choosing the leader of the free world, and anyone who thinks otherwise is a filthy racist.
By the way, if anyone ever catches me seriously espousing ANY of the above opinions, please shoot me, because it means the brain tumor is inoperable.
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September 19, 2007
An Editorial by Harvey (cross-posted from IMAO)
On the University of Maryland campus, a small noose was found hanging from a tree near a cultural center that houses the black faculty association and a black newspaper. I, for one, am absolutely outraged by this travesty!
Look at that pathetic thing! You call that a noose? The damn thing's so small, you couldn't even hang a Democrat's sense of decency with it! It took 'em two weeks before anyone even noticed it was there.
And don't even get me started on the knot at the end. Hell my mother gets closer to a Hangman's Knot when she's knitting. It's supposed to have 13 coils.
THIRTEEN, people!
How can you send a man to hell if you don't have thirteen coils?
Heck, even that turd Saddam got seven.
This miserable twist of emo-goth neck-deco didn't even have three.
Look, I understand that colleges these days mostly only teach PC BS like bi-lesbian tree-dancing and whatnot, but you'd think they could toss in just one lousy credit of Stringing People Up 101. What are these poor kids gonna do if someone steals their horse someday? You don't put a horse thief in time out! Ya hoist 'im up like a bird feeder & let the vultures do the rest.
Yeah, I know people don't ride horses anymore, but we've still got plenty of Congressmen & journalists whose necks are too short, so I think my point remains valid.
---
Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Executioning: A Career Guide For Teenagers" and "Rope: Not Just For Kinky Sex Anymore".
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September 17, 2007
10) Low energy, bad lip-synching, and looks flabby in a two-piece.
9) Kept interrupting speech to hand out new contracts to Halliburton
Secretly replaced Ted Kennedy's gin with water, leading to an unsightly episode of DT's.
7) Repeatedly dropped second and third syllables of Bushitler.
6) Didn't demonstrate bipartisan objectivity by surrendering microphone to Code Pink protesters.
5) Forgot to acknowledge Democrats' hard work in supporting the troops.
4) Wore medals on chest instead of throwing them over a fence.
3) Tested microphone by saying "I have a plan for Iraq" in mocking, high-pitched John Kerry voice.
2) Careless omission of the words, "failure", "quagmire", and "Vietnam".
And the #1 Democratic complaint about Petraeus's Iraq report (see extended entry):
more...
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)September 16, 2007
On this 6th anniversary of 9/11, a thought for terrorists:
We're not terrorized.
We're laughing at you.
Reader submissions:
From Tom in Knoxvegas:
PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.
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September 13, 2007
NEW YORK (Reuters) - Last Friday, presidential candidate John Edwards proposed a new international organization that would fight terror by talking about it a whole lot.
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According to Edwards, the Gossip and International Tale Mongerer Organization (GITMO) would "allow members to voluntarily share financial, police, customs and immigration intelligence. Together, nations will be able to track the way terrorists travel, communicate, recruit, train and finance their operations".
"Everyone knows that endlessly bitching about something," said Edwards, "beats the hell out of actually taking concrete action. The ladies know what I'm talking about."
Edwards said his brilliant idea came to him after reflecting on his own life. "It occurred to me," mused the Democratic candidate, "that nothing has hurt my feelings more than finding out that people said mean things about me behind my back. When that happens, I'm WAY too busy curled up in a corner crying to place roadside bombs or fly planes into buildings. There's absolutely no reason to believe that GITMO wouldn't have the same exact effect on terrorists."
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi embraced the plan with great enthusiasm. "As a backbiting old hen of several decades, I can assure you that there is no greater weapon of mass destruction than a juicy rumor when spread by prattling, long-nosed magpies. Even the most powerful man on Earth can be utterly destroyed with a little defamatory scuttlebutting. Like when the Democrats started telling everyone that Bush lied about Iraq, which was an impeachable offense for which he... ok, well, that wasn't a good example, but you get the idea."
President Bush was dismissively unimpressed with Edwards's plan. "We already have a GITMO for combatting terrorism, and unless Silky Pony's crack-headed notion includes big-piped toilets for flushing Korans, it's going to be about as useful as a bucket of warm spit - except without the bucket - just like every other idea that queefing little pansy's ever had."
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September 12, 2007
(a weekly round-up of the daily posts from IMAO)
John Edwards thinks it's weird that all his buddies' shirts button from the right.
John Edwards invented the "Eek! It's a spider!" dance.
Still on John Edwards's "unsolved mysteries" list - why is there always a line of guys facing the wall when he enters a men's restroom?
John Edwards believes that "NFL" stands for "Nightly Fix of Lifetime".
John Edwards once dislocated his shoulder trying to pull apart string cheese.
When John Edwards uses a laptop, his feet fall asleep and start to turn blue.
John Edwards taught Senator Craig the "wide stance".
In college, John Edwards went through a cross-dressing phase and was once caught by his roommate while trying on a pair of men's underwear.
When he got married, John Edwards suprised his parents by keeping his last name.
John Edwards's haircuts cost $400 because he has to buy enough carbon offsets to cancel out trucking in a sufficient supply of hairspray.
[collaborative hat tip: John of Johnalism]
During a Celebrity Boxing match, John Edwards got his ass handed to him by a marshmallow peep.
John Edwards doesn't wear flannel shirts often, but when he does, they're usually knotted at the midriff.
Bonus Facts:
From Jim:
In an attempt to change the impression that he is effeminate, John Edwards has taken to ordering his Shirley Temple WITHOUT the cherry!
From AlanABQ:
John Edwards really does read Playboy for the articles - but ONLY for the articles.
Once long ago, a Monarch butterfly landed on John Edwards' arm & gave him such a severe sub-dermal hematoma, that for years he couldn't go frolicking through the daisies without being mortified by the sight of ANY butterfly.
From Anonomouse Reader:
John Edwards had to stop using his Clapper because of the severe bruising he suffered from just using it one time.
From Silicon Valley Jim:
John Edwards doesn't get what's funny about Animal House and Blazing Saddles.
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September 11, 2007
Bush stopped by Australia this week to say "Howdy" to one of the few world leaders still in full possession of a spine, John Howard. Here are some quotable excerpts from his trip:
10) "Can you get me Paul Hogan's autograph?"
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9) "What's the deal with that big ass rock in the middle of nowhere?"
"Didgeridoo? Sounds more like a damn washing machine with a bad motor!"
7) "Ever notice how kangaroos look a lot like big, hairy, jumping armadillos?"
6) "Yeah, we have containers of beer this size in Texas, too, except we call them 'shot glasses'."
5) "It's a pleasure to meet you Mr. Howard. By the way, I thought you really got screwed over when you didn't win the Best Director Oscar for Apollo 13."
4) "Is disparaging The Boot still a Bootable offense?"
3) "Love what you've done with the country. Not bad for a bunch of exiled thieves & murderers."
2) "Yeah, I was sad to see Steve Irwin died, too. On the other hand, I had him in the TBIFOC Dead Pool, so it was actually kind of a wash.
And the #1 Bush quote from his trip to Australia (see extended entry)...
more...
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September 10, 2007
BAGHDAD, Iraq (Reuters) - In a surprise move, President George W. Bush made an unannounced trip to Iraq on Monday in order to spread his message of "peace in the Middle East NOW!".
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"I decided to take a page from those filthy hippies I see all over D.C.," said Bush, "marching around, undermining homefront morale, and generally stinkin' up the place. I thought 'if these sponge-brained mudpuppies really want the war to end, they should probably stop squatting where the bullets aren't flying and start talking to the screwball Koran-thumpers that are doin' the shooting'. Figured I'd start with the man in the mirror, and so here I am."
Wearing an Alanis Morissette wig and festooned with various peacenik paraphrenalia, the President marched amiably through various Baghdad neighborhoods, speaking of peace, love, and the hopelessness of the Islamist cause. He also carried a variety of signs during the day, which bore demoralizing slogans such as "War is unhealthy for children and other living things like stupid terrorists", "If you keep fighting, you'll be dead and America will STILL steal your oil", and "While you're out here fighting, your Imam is home nailing your wife".
Although locals were displeased with Bush's crude, tasteless, and unpleasantly patchouli-drenched display, they did - in an uncharacteristic display of civility - allow him to conduct his protest unmolested.
"While I certainly don't care for either his message or his aroma," said one local Al Qaeda member, "there's not much I can do about it. After all we DO have freedom of speech in Iraq. Or 160,000 well-armed American troops, which is pretty much the same thing."
When asked whether Bush's antics would dissuade him from further belligerence, the insurgent responded, "Absolutely not! I have a deep-seated belief in Allah, unshakable faith in the rightness of Jihad, and nothing will steer me away from my goal of earning my 72 virgins!".
"Except maybe a set of Girls Gone Wild DVD's. Hint, hint."
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September 09, 2007
Rumor has it that Osama is releasing another "taunt America" video in the next few days. Pretty impressive work for a guy who's been a crimson stain on a Tora Bora cave wall since 2001. But regardless of which malnourished wino they slap the fake beard on this time around, the fact remains that this flick needs a catchy title. I suggest one of the following:
* Citizen Osama
* Osamablanca
* Osama's List
* It's an Osamaful Life
* One Flew Over Osama's Nest
* The Maltese Osama
* Osama Like it Hot
* O.T. The Osama-Terrestrial
* Dr. Osamalove
* Osamalypse Now
* Osama Side Story
* A Streetcar Named Osama
* Snowsama White and the Seven Dwarves
* A Clockwork Osama
* The Sound of Osama
* Osama Without a Cause
* Raiders of the Lost Osama
* Vertigosama
* Close Encounters of the Osama Kind
* The Silence of the Osamas
* Osama Gump
* Dances With Osamas
* Mutiny on the Osama
* Osama Rider
* My Fair Osama
* Osamafellas
* Osama Fiction
* Guess Osama's Coming to Dinner?
* Osama Doodle Dandy
* Osamadeus
Double dog dare ya to come up with something better.
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Reader submissions:
From Denver Greg:
From TomG:
From FormerHostage:
From AlanABQ:
From Handsome Bill
PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.
Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.
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September 05, 2007
Now that Alberto Gonzales has resigned, he'll have a lot of time on his hands. How will he fill it? I speculate thusly:
* Figure out why everyone keeps telling him they "don't need no steenkin' badges".
* Be seen in the same room as Speedy Gonzales to finally quell the rumors about them being the same person.
* Make midnight prank calls to those jackass prosecutors who got so snippy about being fired.
* Team up with Rumsfeld & Rove to form a Rush tribute band.
* No, I meant the rock group.
* Start a grassroots organization dedicated to bringing back the IMAO podcast.
* Keep playing Minesweeper 8 hours a day, just like when he worked for Bush. That game is like CRACK, I tell you!
* Accept the role of the hilariously mis-matched Hispanic sidekick in the remake of "Dirty Harry".
* Hang out in the Home Depot parking lot with the rest of his family.
* Write his obligatory insider tell-all book, tentatively titled "Hasta la Vista, Bushy!"
* Subtitled "Pendejo Estupido"
* See if Fred Thompson is interested in making an Affirmative Action hire.
Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go see if he's got my lawn mowed yet.
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September 03, 2007
WASHINGTON (AP) - In a concilliatory statement, President Bush recognized Iran's right to pursue the development of atomic weapons, and promised that the US would be supportive of their efforts.
"Every nation," said the President, "whether a freedom-loving democracy or a dictatorial, Allah-worshipping hellhole, has the right to develop atomic weapons. It is my intent to see that Iran's President Ahmadinejad gets those weapons."
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"Specifically," Bush clarified, "in the form of a dozen 10-megaton mushroom clouds, which those psychotic Muslim bastards may attempt to reverse-engineer to their hearts' content. Assuming their hearts haven't been vaporized by the intial blast or melted into organic goo by the radioactive fallout."
Addressing criticisms that the US would be acting unilaterally, Mr. Bush explained that the support of Iran's nuclear program would be an international effort. "Israel, for example, has been itching to do some above-ground testing of their fissionables. I've invited them to join in the fun with us. I just hope Ahmedinejad doesn't mind getting a few Jewclear weapons dropped on his front porch."
In a Tehran news conference, Iran's President scoffed at the threat of military action against his regime, saying that "even if they were to decide to do so, they would be unable to carry it out."
Bush responded calmly to the defiance. "I suppose Amedinejad - or 'Amy' as I like to call him - is right. Americans certainly don't seem to have the cojones for a decent war these days. That's why I intend to start with diplomatic pressure. Specifically, economic sanctions. More specifically, a declaration of economic sanctions duct-taped to a 10-megaton warhead."
A still-defiant 'Amy' then mocked America's lack of determination in Iraq. "The political power of the occupiers is collapsing rapidly," he said. "Soon, we will see a huge power vacuum in the region. Of course, we are prepared to fill the gap."
A completely unimpressed Bush replied, "Not if we fill the gap with high-energy neutrons first."
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WASHINGTON (AP) - Average scores on the reading and math sections of the SAT test declined slightly this year, indicating that America's teenagers are dumber than ever. This news was greeted by jubilation from Democrats across the country.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi explained her party's barely-suppressed giddiness. "The fact is, Democrats have nothing to offer the average intelligent, self-sufficient person. All we can do is take advantage of drooling idiots who want to put their lives in the hands of the Nanny State. Our only shot at political power is the votes of people who are too dumb to think for themselves. This time, it's the jackpot. Think for themselves? Hell, these pierced & tatted Avril wanna-be's can barely think at all!"
Ms. Pelosi took time out to dance a merry jig of happiness before continuing. "If current stupidity trends continue - and, like global warming, there's no reason to think this trend could be just a minor statistical blip based on bad data - the US will be solid blue, ocean to ocean, by 2015, which my mathematical skills tell me is an election year. The only obstacle currently standing in our way is the fact that the word 'vote' is longer and more difficult than 'cat' or 'dog'."
However, some people objected to being called "mega-tard-tastic" just because of piss-poor standardized test scores. Miss Teen USA contestant Lauren Upton (Miss South Carolina) explained her point of view:
Afterwards, Ms. Pelosi danced another jig.
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September 02, 2007
Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.
Reader submissions:
From Handsome Bill:
From Ron Rockstar:
From George K (with a hat tip to Sondra K)
From Doug (via Steve):
From Chris:
From AlanABQ:
From Brian Thorn of Java With "Joe Bag of Doughnuts":
From Hazel:
From FormerHostage:
From Bob in Feenicks:
PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.
Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.
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September 01, 2007
NEW ORLEANS (AP) - In a speech Sunday, Presidential candidate Barack Obama promised to make re-building New Orleans his top priority, saying that he would restore the promise of America's "Chocolate City".
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"It's been two years since Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans," said Obama, "and President Bush has done nothing to restore this city to its former glory. I will change all that. In order to cut through the red tape of re-building, I will eliminate the cumbersome bidding process and instead award the construction contracts to whichever company finds the lucky 'Golden Tickets' hidden under the wrappers of Chocolate City Candy Bars."
"To further speed up the process," continued Obama, "we will eliminate all requirements for expensive union labor. Instead, my plan calls for the importation of the entire Oopma Loompa tribe. These small but energetic workers will get the job done in half the time of worthless Teamsters or lazy Mexicans."
"Finally, Lake Pontchartrain will be filled with delicious, creamy cocoa, while the levees will be re-inforced with millions of Snickers Bars," said Obama, drooling slightly with hunger. "I believe this will give America the Chocolate City of its dreams. A city where delicious sweets - whether red, yellow, brown, blue, or orange - will be able to live together in harmony, regardless of the color of their candy shell."
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August 30, 2007
MESA, Arizona (AP) - Officials at an Arizona school suspended a 13-year-old boy for sketching what looked like a gun, saying it was quite possibly the worst thing ever created by human hands.
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Payne Junior High Principal Karen Martin said the boy deserved to be suspended for his talentless artwork. "Worst drawing I've ever seen. My 3-year-old does better than that with fingerpaints, and he's a retarded epileptic."
"When I first saw that picture," said Martin, I thought, 'What the hell IS that? A 5-eyed mutant with a moustache? An elephant that got caught in a hydraulic press? A cubist zeppelin?'."
"When another student told me it was a gun, my response was, 'Yeah... a really CRAPPY gun!'. At this point I decided to suspend the talentless little twerp, since there was no point in wasting more public funds on someone who has no future beyond maybe drawing pathetic stick figures on the internet or something."
School District spokesman Terry Locke said that - although the crude sketch wasn't actually a threat according to the school's zero-tolerance policy where "possession or threatening use of any weapon, real or simulated, is strictly prohibited" - the inherant artlessness of the image "constituted a violent threat to the aesthetic sensibilities of the student body. This garbage makes Ted Rall look like freakin' Rembrandt."
The boy's mother, Paula Mosteller, supported the school's decision. "At first I was angry that they seemed to be singling my son out for no good reason. Then I got a look at that abomination he created. YEESH! I mean, is the trigger guard wearing a necklace? Why are there shark's teeth at the end of the barrel? It's got all the accuracy and realism of a Michael Moore documentary."
"I'm so ashamed that he's my son," Paula concluded sadly. "I should've had my tubes tied 14 years ago and spared the world the misery of this drawing's existence."
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August 28, 2007
John Edwards cant resist jumping into the flame wars on the "Downy vs. Snuggle" message boards.
John Edwards invented cocaine so that he could stay up all night admiring himself in the mirror.
John Edwards's cell phone ringtone? "It's Raining Men".
John Edwards's first action if elected President? Installing an all-Streisand karaoke machine on Air Force One.
John Edwards once spent three days tied to a chair after accidentally spraying himself with Silly String.
BONUS FACTS:
From Jim:
John Edwards believes that the three biggest issues facing America today are: poverty, health care, and split ends.
A review of John Edwards's legal career proves that he can do what no other current candidate can do... embarrass lawyers.
From Matt:
John Edwards' turning point against corporations was when he narrowly lost out to a soft, anthropomorphic teddy bear for the the title of the "Snuggle Soft Dryer Sheet Mascot." "Edwards Soft" has since become the measure of just how soft someting can be -- making newborn kittens extremely jealous.
John Edwards lost his role to the Pillsbury Doughboy mostly due to the fact that he was unable to stop giggling uncontrollably when poked in the belly button.
If the US forewent spending 6 Million Dollars on rebuilding Lee Majors in 1974, invested half of it's government budget on R&D, and recruited the brightest minds from around the world, we STILL wouldn't have the technology or capability to create a bionic representation of the glamour and lusciousness of John Edwards' hair.
From Anonomouse Reader:
John Edwards invented the Caboodles make-up organization case.
John Edwards has his own kitten factory, where cats are specially bred to be the softest in the world, and they have no paws at all to scratch him with. Shhh... don't let PETA find out.
John Edwards keeps his loose change in a jewlery box his Nana bought him. When you open it, there is a spinning ballerina.
Funniest thing about the ballerina is that he had his Jr. year prom dress replicated from it.
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