August 31, 2007

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I guess there's no rational explanation for why I love you like I do. But if this is madness, then it's of a happy sort.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

Posted by: Harvey at 04:19 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)


[Good Charlotte]

As a follow-up to its popular State Quarters program, the Treasury released the first in its new series of "Non-descript, Post-grunge, Corporate-tool, Faux-alternative Rock Bands With No Street Cred Dollars" Coming soon: "Blink-182" and "Third Eye Blind".

Posted by: Harvey at 04:18 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 44 words, total size 1 kb.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.



1) Sometimes, I've got a ball

(see extended entry for more clues)
more...

Posted by: Harvey at 04:09 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 94 words, total size 1 kb.

August 30, 2007

Arizona School Suspends Student for Drawing "A Really Crappy Gun"

(cross-posted from IMAO and as seen on Google News)

MESA, Arizona (AP) - Officials at an Arizona school suspended a 13-year-old boy for sketching what looked like a gun, saying it was quite possibly the worst thing ever created by human hands.

Could the recent flooding in the Midwest be caused by angels looking at this horrible picture and crying?

Payne Junior High Principal Karen Martin said the boy deserved to be suspended for his talentless artwork. "Worst drawing I've ever seen. My 3-year-old does better than that with fingerpaints, and he's a retarded epileptic."

"When I first saw that picture," said Martin, I thought, 'What the hell IS that? A 5-eyed mutant with a moustache? An elephant that got caught in a hydraulic press? A cubist zeppelin?'."

"When another student told me it was a gun, my response was, 'Yeah... a really CRAPPY gun!'. At this point I decided to suspend the talentless little twerp, since there was no point in wasting more public funds on someone who has no future beyond maybe drawing pathetic stick figures on the internet or something."

School District spokesman Terry Locke said that - although the crude sketch wasn't actually a threat according to the school's zero-tolerance policy where "possession or threatening use of any weapon, real or simulated, is strictly prohibited" - the inherant artlessness of the image "constituted a violent threat to the aesthetic sensibilities of the student body. This garbage makes Ted Rall look like freakin' Rembrandt."

The boy's mother, Paula Mosteller, supported the school's decision. "At first I was angry that they seemed to be singling my son out for no good reason. Then I got a look at that abomination he created. YEESH! I mean, is the trigger guard wearing a necklace? Why are there shark's teeth at the end of the barrel? It's got all the accuracy and realism of a Michael Moore documentary."

"I'm so ashamed that he's my son," Paula concluded sadly. "I should've had my tubes tied 14 years ago and spared the world the misery of this drawing's existence."

Posted by: Harvey at 04:19 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 366 words, total size 3 kb.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I've always said that I don't believe in miracles. Then you came into my life. I'm man enough to admit when I'm wrong

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

Posted by: Harvey at 03:50 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 42 words, total size 1 kb.

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(red splotch)]

Although it did well in focus groups, the "raspberry jelly center dollar" proved unpopular with the public at large.

Posted by: Harvey at 03:49 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 29 words, total size 1 kb.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.



1) You need rest after you've had a long one

(see extended entry for more clues)
more...

Posted by: Harvey at 03:47 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 97 words, total size 1 kb.

August 29, 2007

BUNCH O' LINKS

The reason why I don't blog more.

Just one argument - Tom Petty isn't underappreciated. He's OVERAPPRECIATED. And overplayed. He can go away any time now. The only good thing he ever wrote we're those two inexplicable lines of disco/slap-funk in the middle of "American Girl".

The Female Orgasm Sound Board [NC17... or maybe just plain old X]

Restroom Signs from around the world [via Lynn of Violins & Starships]

The Generator Blog - blog that collects all those cool word/name/image generator widgets:

A-Team Episode Generator
Absolut Bottle Sign Generator
Academy Awards Acceptance Speech Generator
Acronym Generator
Acronym Liar Generator
Action Figure Generator
Ad Generator
Adventure Generator
Advertising Slogan Generator
Advice Generator
AIEEE Generator
Air Guitar Stage Name Generator
Airline Sign Generator
Ajax Loading Gif Generator
Alanis Morissette Random Lyric Generator
Alchemist Name Generator
Alcohol Abuse-Excuse Generator
Alien Limerick Generator
Alphabet Soup Word Generator
Ambigram Generator
Anagram Generator
Anarchy Cookbook Generator
Angry Tom Image Generator
Animated Neon Sign Generator
Animated Wave Generator
Apathetic Online Journal Entry Generator
Apocalyptic Event Generator
Apology Note Generator
Apple Rumor Generator
Archaeological Buzz-Word Generator
Aristocratic Title Generator
ASCII Generator
Associate Degrees of Kevin Bacon Generator
Astronomical Brainabetizer Generator
Atari 2600 Label Generator
Automated Film Plot Idea Generator
Automatic Poetry Generator
Avatar Generator

Yeah, that's just the freakin A's... [via Lynn of Violins & Starships]

Kipkay Videos - short (most under 2 minutes) videos that give handy tips. I've actually used "How to Chill a Coke in 2 minutes). You can spend all day here.

If business meetings went like blog comment threads.

New boob assistance technology - implantable bra. [via I Hate My Cubicle!!!]

If you're a mom, you will laugh your ass off at this. Heck, if you were a kid who ever got yelled at by a mom, you'll get a kick out of it, too.:

[via Neatorama]

Posted by: Harvey at 04:20 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 285 words, total size 3 kb.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

It amazes me that some people long for "the good old days", because with you, I know my life will only get better. I long for "the good new days" to come.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

Posted by: Harvey at 04:16 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 51 words, total size 1 kb.

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(chewed-up quarter)]

From "Moonraker" - official "Jaws" brand chewing gum.

Posted by: Harvey at 04:16 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 18 words, total size 1 kb.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.



1) I am a four letter word that starts with F

(see extended entry for more clues)
more...

Posted by: Harvey at 04:15 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 95 words, total size 1 kb.

August 28, 2007

JOHN EDWARDS FABULOUS FACTS

(a weekly round-up of the daily posts from IMAO)

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards cant resist jumping into the flame wars on the "Downy vs. Snuggle" message boards.

John Edwards invented cocaine so that he could stay up all night admiring himself in the mirror.

John Edwards's cell phone ringtone? "It's Raining Men".

John Edwards's first action if elected President? Installing an all-Streisand karaoke machine on Air Force One.

John Edwards once spent three days tied to a chair after accidentally spraying himself with Silly String.

BONUS FACTS:

From Jim:
John Edwards believes that the three biggest issues facing America today are: poverty, health care, and split ends.

A review of John Edwards's legal career proves that he can do what no other current candidate can do... embarrass lawyers.

From Matt:
John Edwards' turning point against corporations was when he narrowly lost out to a soft, anthropomorphic teddy bear for the the title of the "Snuggle Soft Dryer Sheet Mascot." "Edwards Soft" has since become the measure of just how soft someting can be -- making newborn kittens extremely jealous.

John Edwards lost his role to the Pillsbury Doughboy mostly due to the fact that he was unable to stop giggling uncontrollably when poked in the belly button.

If the US forewent spending 6 Million Dollars on rebuilding Lee Majors in 1974, invested half of it's government budget on R&D, and recruited the brightest minds from around the world, we STILL wouldn't have the technology or capability to create a bionic representation of the glamour and lusciousness of John Edwards' hair.

From Anonomouse Reader:
John Edwards invented the Caboodles make-up organization case.

John Edwards has his own kitten factory, where cats are specially bred to be the softest in the world, and they have no paws at all to scratch him with. Shhh... don't let PETA find out.

John Edwards keeps his loose change in a jewlery box his Nana bought him. When you open it, there is a spinning ballerina.

Funniest thing about the ballerina is that he had his Jr. year prom dress replicated from it.

Posted by: Harvey at 07:08 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 353 words, total size 2 kb.

Tony Snow - Trying to Make Ends Meet

(cross-posted from IMAO)

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow says he'll be stepping down from his position due to 'financial considerations' - i.e., his $168,000 salary wasn't enough to live on.

As a professional blogger, I can certainly sympathize with the difficulty of trying to make ends meet on a measly 6-figure paycheck.

Still, the more I read about the story, the sorrier I feel for Snow, because apparently he's not let pride stand in his way when it comes to taking odd jobs (and worse) to help supplement his income. Things like:



"Please, kind reporters, can't you spare just a LITTLE change?"

* Returning Ted Kennedy's empties for the deposit.

* Mowing the White House lawn in a Speedo at Laura Bush's request.

* Which is nothing compared to the "favors" he's been doing for Pelosi, who responded to queries about the deal with "Hey... there are some... things... that Paul simply will not do. And a woman has certain... needs".

* Following Bill around and e-mailing "bimbo reports" to Hillary.

* Covertly collecting new entries to be published in "Bushisms, Vol. 6".

* Browbeating YouTube into taking down all those "Drunken Jenna" videos.

* Placing personals ads on SodomiteConnections.com for John Edwards.

* Murdering hobos to keep a fresh supply of human hearts ready for Dick Cheney, just in case.

* Although rumor has it he sub-contracted that one out to Glenn Reynolds.

* Doing a little time in the "subservient chicken" outfit.

* Being Marion Barry's third-shift crack-mule.

* Drop-shipping pit bulls to a mysterious buyer in Virginia known only as M. V. Ick.



Rumor has it that he's also mugged girl scouts for their cookie money, but hey, who hasn't?

Posted by: Harvey at 07:06 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 300 words, total size 2 kb.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I wouldn't compare our love to a garden, because they're so small. Our love is an entire rainforest, encompassing continents.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

Posted by: Harvey at 06:42 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 39 words, total size 1 kb.

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[BOMB SADDAM]

And the #1 cool thing America did in 2003...

Posted by: Harvey at 06:42 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 19 words, total size 1 kb.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.



1) I'm stuck between your cheeks

(see extended entry for more clues)
more...

Posted by: Harvey at 06:34 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 91 words, total size 1 kb.

August 27, 2007

SWEET!

Something else I can cross off my list:

(click to enlarge)
IMAO google news.jpg

A fake news story I wrote for IMAO was picked up by Google News.

I'm just gonna sit here & giggle for a while.

[Hat tip to Alice of Mona Lisa's Eyebrows for bringing this to my attention]

Posted by: Harvey at 06:37 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
Post contains 37 words, total size 1 kb.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Obviously, everyoneÂ’s definition of lazy is, "people who use more time-saving devices than I do."

Shamus of Twenty-Sided.

Reminds me of the definition of an alcoholic: "someone who drinks more than I do".

Posted by: Harvey at 03:51 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 41 words, total size 1 kb.

Obama Vows to Ease Cuban Embargo

(cross-posted from IMAO)

MIAMI (AP) - Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama criticized President Bush's Cuba policy, and promised to roll back the extra travel and financial restrictions added by Bush.

In 2004, Bush changed US law so that Cubans in the U.S. can only visit the island once every three years and can only send quarterly remittances of up to $300 per household to immediate family members. Previously, they could visit once a year and send up to $3,000.

Obama said he would rescind those policies, and hinted that other changes might follow.

Obama demonstrates how he will crush Castro's windpipe.

"I want to make it easier for Cuban-Americans to visit their loved ones," said Obama. "In fact, I want to make it easier for ALL Americans to visit Cuba. When I am elected President, my first act will be full legalization of travel to Cuba. Starting with 100,000 heavily armed American troops."

"Let's face it," Obama said, "it's just downright embarrassing to have a commie dictatorship 90 miles from our border. JFK totally screwed the pooch on the Bay of Pigs invasion in '61, and it's WAY past high time we put a band-aid on that bloody nose and went back in, swinging like Mike Tyson & ready to eat some ears. Or at the very least, spraying napalm like Smaug doing a spit-take."

"Now, I have a firm 'no nukes' policy," clarified Obama, "but I never said anything about chemical or biological weapons. There's a time and a place for mustard gas, and if Cuba ain't it, I don't know what is."

"Once Cuba is a cratered ruin and the Gulf of Mexico flows red with the blood of degenerate Commie swine," Obama concluded, "there would be no further need for Bush's failed embargo policy."

Posted by: Harvey at 03:50 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 309 words, total size 2 kb.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Why does our love last? Because even though we don't always agree, we DO always cooperate.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

Posted by: Harvey at 03:42 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 35 words, total size 1 kb.

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