Bill Clinton's "My Life" as reviewed by a Republican Chihuahua (NSFW).

Posted by: Harvey at 11:30 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

I miss you even more than I could have believed; and I was prepared to miss you a good deal. So this letter is just really a squeal of pain. It is incredible how essential to me you have become. I suppose you are accustomed to people saying these things. Damn you, spoilt creature; I shan't make you love me any more by giving myself away like this - But oh my dear, I can't be clever and stand-offish with you: I love you too much for that.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

Posted by: Harvey at 11:24 PM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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1 ... GOD but I miss your whippings...

Posted by: Harvey at April 28, 2005 11:24 PM (ubhj8)

2 Okay, now, these types of notes, reek of wussy-ness. Men, women don't like wusses. Women can sense wussy-ness quicker than a deep dish pizza is discovered at a weight-watcher's convention. Unlike the pizza, women are turned off by wussy-ness, so avoid it at all costs.

Posted by: Aris_Ravencroft at April 28, 2005 11:51 PM (Pg2Ju)

3 Missing you wouldn't be so bad if you'd left your sister and best friend to fill in.

Posted by: Peter at April 28, 2005 11:59 PM (myM+6)

4 if your gonna wuss out, you gotta do it right: I can not express in words The way that I feel about you From the moment I met you I began to realize how much you meant Every time we talked I fell a little more The sound of your voice Like the sound Of angels singing But much sweeter to me Beauty like yours I have not before seen Your eyes like fire Your lips soft and full Your smile warms me The way you Make me feel I have not felt it For anyone else I only wish that I Could be there with you Instead of stuck here On the other side of the world There is only one word That can come close Only one sentence I know to say I love you And IÂ’m not going to stop I will wait for you I wonÂ’t let you down For how can love Be wrong?

Posted by: Aris_Ravencroft at April 29, 2005 12:07 AM (Pg2Ju)

5 Awww, how sweet. blech. I too thought these things were too mushy. And combining my loss with my bitter sarcasm is what caused me to begin the "naughtiness" here. Basically, he puts up a mushy thought, then we stomp on it. It's fun!

Posted by: _Jon at April 29, 2005 08:07 AM (uHRYR)

6 Would it be bad of me to say that all this mushiness made my private parts mushy and stuff (Followed your blog from the comment party, hope it's okay to come back and visit)

Posted by: Alekx at April 29, 2005 11:31 AM (UfE7F)

7 Alekx - always glad to have new folks chiming in. Just remember there's a $10 cover charge and a two drink minimum ;-) _Jon - Uh, right. I've read YOUR shit. Your happy sappy crappy makes me look like Sam Kinison yelling about his ex-wife :-P

Posted by: Harvey at April 29, 2005 06:42 PM (ubhj8)

8 "squeal of pain"? That made my morning...

Posted by: pam at May 01, 2005 08:38 AM (l6NIn)

9 well since I ain't got any money you are going to have to put up with me dancing naked on the tables and having tattoo contests. As for the two drink minimum I think I can get someone to buy me a couple shots of tequilla.

Posted by: Alekx at May 01, 2005 01:24 PM (ShLXz)

10 Stand back folks... tequilla monsters stocking Harvey at the party - now kissin' up to Alekx & trying to light her tatts on fire! Sweet day in the morning! What is in the air these days people?

Posted by: Dorko at May 01, 2005 04:42 PM (TmTUS)

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Does anyone know how to make that little pencil thing appear in the footer of a Blogger post?

Posted by: Harvey at 10:05 AM | Comments (15) | Add Comment
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Ok, I told nothing but lies about the Chicago Blogmeet. Blogson That 1 Guy of Drunken Wisdom tells the REAL story.

Now kiss my ring, bitches!

Posted by: Harvey at 07:06 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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1 Are you sure it's your ring you want me to kiss, Harv?

Posted by: Susie at April 29, 2005 12:40 AM (IPJ6q)

2 I never said I was talking about the ring on my finger ;-)

Posted by: Harvey at April 29, 2005 06:37 PM (ubhj8)

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(Introduction)

[notez bien: I'm stealing this one whole from Linus of Pepper of the Earth. While I never actually put this one in Beloved Wife's little mailbox, I really like it because it reminds me of Led Zeppelin's "Thank You", which was the first song I ever dedicated to Beloved Wife - way back when she had just become Beloved Girlfriend for the first time back in 1986.]

Just Add Water

Ingredients:

1 mountain (large)
1 ocean (immense)
2 lovers (uncertain)

Combine elements in prepared basin.
Mix until smooth.
Season to taste.

When the mountain refluxes
And only sand remains
Remove lovers.

Serving size: 2
Linus Gelber - 11/18/2002

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

Posted by: Harvey at 12:38 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Some stuff at IMAO

Filthy Lie by Friday stuff, Linky stuff, round-up stuff, & new PGH assignment stuff at Alliance HQ.

Posted by: Harvey at 12:30 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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And WHAT a boy!

Blogless Peter, who's been writing terrific gun-related posts (and several other goodies which you can find in his category) has thrown caution & common sense to the wind and started his own blog:

Shakey Pete's Shootin' Shack

Love that name. Sounds like he should have the building next to Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon with that moniker.

Let's take a look at what my swaddling-wrapped baby boy has posted:

He forgoes the traditional sucky first post in favor of the less-sucky (ok, completely non-sucky) "about me" type post. This line strikes me funny:

Thinking of Harv as a Blogfather is difficult though, being as how I'm older than he is.

Don't worry about it, Peter, half my dang blogfamily is older than I am. Ain't no big deal :-)

Next he does some thoughtful analysis on strategies for taking out Iran (if & when it becomes necessary). Very well written & cogently argued.

I'm gonna LOVE reading his stuff on a regular basis. It's going to be a better blogosphere now that Peter isn't sneaking around in people's comments, wasting good writing where the virtual sun don't shine.

... um... this is the part of the post where I usually invite the new kid to pick up a logo & blogroll the Bad Example Family. However, since I volunteered to do Peter's blog-decorating for him (and maybe teach him a few html tricks along the way), I'll just skip to the big finish:

All you Bad Example dogs go sniff Peter's butt & say "Howdy".

And Peter...

Welcome Home.

Oh yeah... The best part... I caught him before anyone left a comment using Blogger, so he's pure Haloscan from the get-go.

Posted by: Harvey at 10:02 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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... that you should know.

My latest blogdaughter, Firstbrokenangel of AAFFLLAACCKK, has had a particularly difficult existence, and the effects are sometimes noticable in her writing. Medication will do that. You should probably read her about me post to get a full understanding of the woman behind the blog.

All things considered, I'm surprised at how cheery she usually is.

After you read the post, ask yourself how bad your problems REALLY are.

Oh, and she's got Haloscan comments now, so be sure to say "Hi".

Posted by: Harvey at 08:30 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Bloggranddaughter ArmyWife of ArmyWifeToddlerMom is complaining (ever so gently) about how her husband won't talk much about work.

True, men don't go into details about work. They're more into giving the one-word executive summary, i.e. "good", "ok", "bad", "sucked". And if women pester them for details, they get defensive "What is this? The Spanish Inquisition? Are you going to break out the comfy chair?"

Ladies, you have to actually explain to your man - in so many words, and preferrably small ones - that you ENJOY hearing about the boring insignificant details that he wouldn't dream of inflicting on his male friends. Your man will NOT understand this - and don't ask or expect him to - but he may be willing to indulge you anyway.

He will probably sigh heavily & roll his eyes, but if you're willing to accept that as the price you have to pay to get the goods, he can be trained. Eventually, all you'll have to do is say "Gimme the chick-flick version" and he'll start gabbing away.

Remember - men are trainable. It just takes patience.

Posted by: Harvey at 06:29 PM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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A tiny, optical, 3-button USB wheelmouse, with a retractable cord for easy storage.

Blogson GEBIV of There's One, Only! has a post about it with a nice picture, and check the comments for details on the functionality.

You can get one at Amazon for $17.00

UPDATE 4-28-05: Jim of Snooze Button Dreams says $10 at America's Favorite Corporate Whipping Boy

Posted by: Harvey at 01:26 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 Very cool - I may have to get one. *grin*

Posted by: Teresa at April 27, 2005 02:00 PM (nAfYo)

2 Bet you wished you got this instead of flowers.

Posted by: Contagion at April 27, 2005 02:05 PM (Q5WxB)

3 Doh! I payed 19.95 at Office Max. No shipping and handling though. Plus I got to play with use it as soon as I got home. :-D

Posted by: GEBIV at April 27, 2005 02:14 PM (qnNu4)

4 Only $10 at Mega-Lo Mart. Lovely Wife got one of these last year and has been totally in love with it.

Posted by: Jim at April 28, 2005 10:19 AM (tyQ8y)

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They gave me flowers for "Administrative Professionals Day"

F***ers.

Any suggestions for subtle, Machiavellian vengeance?

Posted by: Harvey at 09:22 AM | Comments (25) | Add Comment
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1 Yay, they arrived!

Posted by: Ogre at April 27, 2005 10:30 AM (/k+l4)

2 A horse's head would probably do the trick. Or you could put them out on your ledge and set them on fire.

Posted by: Phelps at April 27, 2005 11:18 AM (f9s1t)

3 Pour most of the water out, leave them in your cubicle (or better yet, the break room) and as they wither and die and start to stink, vigorously insist that they are still perfectly ok, and nobody better throw them out because they are proof of how much you are valued as an Administrative Professional. If there are mums in the bunch you should get some really gross and slimy water, too--don't let anyone change it! I'd also recommend that if anyone suggests tossing them, you pensively bite your lip and let tears well up in your eyes, as if considering it, but then go back to the trenchant denial that anything's wrong with them. Maybe next year they'll send you chocolates...

Posted by: Susie at April 27, 2005 11:25 AM (IPJ6q)

4 I got chocolates: nyah nyah. 8> Pictures up tomorrow on my Flickr page, which your comment machine won't let me post because it thinks the link is questionable. Speaking of which, have you been checking in there? There are some photographs of, er, matters that might concern you. As a red-blooded American male. Though so far most of my postings are on the dressed side. (But stay tuned.)

Posted by: Linus at April 27, 2005 12:15 PM (Bf+TD)

5 Susie has a great idea...... if that doesn't work, pin the flowers to a "fedora", wear it around the office for the next week or so. say "I have been wanting these exact flowers for my fedora." If they don't fire you, you probably won't be getting flowers next year.

Posted by: ArmyWifeToddlerMom at April 27, 2005 12:34 PM (8dRaf)

6 You wearing a dress and heels to work again Harvey? LOL.

Posted by: Teresa at April 27, 2005 02:01 PM (nAfYo)

7 Uhhhh Harv, did someone at work give these to you or someone else? If someone else, take those wonderful ideas above - ie stinky flowers and then SEND THEM BACK to the person who sent them to you. Or put them on the Fedora and send it to them (after they have reached stinch level).

Posted by: vw bug at April 27, 2005 02:01 PM (IHRU4)

8 Due what I did on Bosses day when my minions gave me flowers. Cut the heads off and leave the stems sitting in a vase of water. As people start annoying you take their picture with a poloroid camera, cut out their heads and impale them on a stem. Take a needle and prick your finger so you can smeer the photo's with blood. This makes them look like tiny severed heads. If you don't want to use real blood, a red marker might work. Lets just say, I've never received a flower at work again.

Posted by: Contagion at April 27, 2005 02:03 PM (Q5WxB)

9 *sniff* I love you guys :-) Keep it comin'...

Posted by: Harvey at April 27, 2005 02:38 PM (tJfh1)

10 Oh Contagion's idea is wonderful. You could play "She loves me, she loves me not" all over the bank!

Posted by: Oddybobo at April 27, 2005 02:57 PM (6Gm0j)

11 I got a basket with some girly, gourmet-like snacks inside. I keep telling them that if they really wanted to show their appreciation they'd give me a 12 pack of beer. I'm a guy for Christ sake. On the bright side, at least it's not called "Secretaries Day" anymore.

Posted by: G. Hamid at April 27, 2005 03:22 PM (Ej1ST)

12 (Looks at Contagion) GOD, I'm glad I don't work with you.....

Posted by: Graumagus at April 27, 2005 03:30 PM (XWpIJ)

13 DAMN, I had to give myself my own A.P. Day present by bouncing when they left for lunch. I left a message that if they had any questions, the answer would be "No" until tomorrow. But um...payback, let me think. Perhaps you can hide a teensy cd player somewhere and put that Russian pop duo TaTu's song "All the Things She Said" (heavy drums techno version) on repeat play. By ten or so they'll all be banging thier heads in their drawers.

Posted by: Tiffany at April 27, 2005 04:03 PM (bj98V)

14 Tiffany - OO! nice one! But what I really need is some trippy psychedelic stuff to freak out the grandmas I work with. Led Zeppelin - Whole Lotta Love, maybe :-) And what's this? NEW COMMENTER! HI G!!! *waves like a lunatic* Been lurking long? Either way, glad to have you breaking the ice :-) And I'd rather have the snacky basket, myself. At the very least they could've bought me some fucking McDonald's gift certificates. Maybe a flashlight. Or a screwdriver. Or some fucking duct tape! SOMEFUCKINGTHING USEFUL!!! Buncha retarded assholes.

Posted by: Harvey at April 27, 2005 04:30 PM (tJfh1)

15 Ok, I feel really dumb! I never knew they stopped calling it secretaries day. Then today, I went shopping for mothers day cards, and I saw "administrative professionals day" and i was like, "what's the difference between that and secretaries day" *crawls out from underneath her rock*

Posted by: Sissy at April 27, 2005 05:54 PM (PjqiK)

16 Sissy - that may have been a fairly recent change. I only knew about it being AP Day because that's how it's printed on my calendar this year.

Posted by: Harvey at April 27, 2005 06:24 PM (ubhj8)

17 Now Harvey ....... *tilting head and looking sincere* .... You know its the THOUGHT that FUCKING COUNTS! *smacking the hell outta you* Tsk tsk! I'm calling that bank right now!!! *smirk*

Posted by: Denise at April 27, 2005 07:26 PM (JTlEe)

18 Denise - LOL! That's very nearly the exact reaction I got when - as they were passing out the ugly flowers in cheap glass vases - I told the teller who was distributing these eyesores to get that thing the hell away from my window. Those things were ugly & tacky enough without me having customers treat them as a conversation piece. Had enough of that last year.

Posted by: Harvey at April 27, 2005 07:58 PM (ubhj8)

19 hehe....Harvey, it's just cause youre so dang loveable that they sent the flowers. Oooooor...they just like pissing you off. ;-)

Posted by: Pam at April 27, 2005 09:04 PM (hNXz0)

20 HAHAHAHA - at least you got something!!heh too damn funny. Cindy

Posted by: firstbrokenangel at April 28, 2005 12:07 AM (PEKrh)

21 Wait. "Had enough of that last year" That is implying you get flowers EVERY year. Holy shit. That sucks wet socks. I don't think we have any administrative assistants where I am... hmm. Today is take your child to work day. I'm not going to work. I don't want to deal with everyone's kiddies. I'd rather have flowers.

Posted by: Bou at April 28, 2005 06:11 AM (z7nbM)

22 You didn't tell me it was bring your kid to work day Bou!! Hmph! *Folds arms, turns away and pouts*

Posted by: Sissy at April 28, 2005 08:13 AM (PjqiK)

23 Gay Boy...

Posted by: _Jon at April 28, 2005 08:28 AM (uHRYR)

24 If I were gay, at least I'd be able to enjoy the fucking flowers :-)

Posted by: Harvey at April 28, 2005 01:22 PM (tJfh1)

25 There's always the old gerbils, nutsack coated with Karo syrup thing... Oh. You said "subtle". Darn. Hmmmmmmmm!

Posted by: Jeff at April 28, 2005 09:42 PM (Mu8gg)

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Blogdaughter Boudicca of Boudicca's Voice has a post on telemarketers, and I'm going to take an opposing tack to most of her commenters.

Most telemarketers are just low-skilled workers trying to make ends meet, and I don't have a personal problem with them. It's honest - if low-status - work.

If you REALLY want to be nice to them, hang up on them AS SOON AS POSSIBLE so that they can move on to someone who might actually be interested. Probably some lonely elderly person.

Don't worry about hurting their feelings. Wasting their time hurts more.

UPDATE 4-27-05 7am: My personal preference is to wait until I know it's a telemarketer - which never takes long, because I habitually answer the phone "Olson residence, Harvey speaking." - and as soon as some voice asks me (after that tell-tale pause while the dialing software connects us) "May I please speak to Mr. or Mrs. Olson?" I know it's a telemarketer, because no human being who'd heard what I just said would answer me that way. So I respond in a pleasant voice "No thank you, good-bye" and hang up without waiting for a response from them.

Now they can call someone who cares.

Posted by: Harvey at 11:39 PM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

There is nothing that means more to me
Than the joys of life you've helped me see
With your openness and honesty
You will always have me
...and my love.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

Posted by: Harvey at 10:53 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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(click to enlarge)

[SHOP TILL YOU DROP]

As a follow up to the popular State Quarters program, the Treasury released the first in its new series of "Female Cliché Dollars". Coming soon: "Not tonight, I've got a headache", and "Do these pants make me look fat?"

Posted by: Harvey at 10:51 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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1 LOL!! I mean-- Shame, Harv! Perpetuating stereotypes!

Posted by: Susie at April 27, 2005 11:39 AM (IPJ6q)

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Josh Fielek - author of the best dark fiction on the web (at least since Stephen King folded up "The Plant") - announces that his wife, Jessica, has her own blog now at The Fieleks.com

She's a smart cookie, coping with school, marriage, and a 9-month old baby. If you're a momma, she could probably use some sympathy and/or advice.

...

Well, crap. Looks like her permalinks aren't working.

Fine.

Go to the main page & look for the 4-25 entry "I need to keep a better blog". Start dumping your love there.

Posted by: Harvey at 01:03 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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1 Wow...thanks for the introduction! Aren't you sweet!

Posted by: Jessica Fielek at April 26, 2005 08:27 PM (92htO)

2 And the permalinks are fixed now :-) And I'm working on the end of Great Dismal even as we speak.

Posted by: J at April 26, 2005 10:02 PM (92htO)

3 Jessica - SHHHHHH! You'll ruin my reputation! ;-) Josh - YAY!!!

Posted by: Harvey at April 26, 2005 10:33 PM (ubhj8)

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Linking my wife, that is.

Which only sounds dirty.

Anyway, TNT of Smiling Dynamite has a list of "Things Stressed Women Say at Work", including my favorite:

13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

You have NO idea how often this one runs through my mind.

I swear, bloggers are the only people who can talk a lot without boring the crap out of me.

Posted by: Harvey at 06:22 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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1 The rest of the world better hope Harvey dosen't become President for Life. All nonbloggers will quitely go to some hidden "camps" ouT in Utah. lol for the crime of being so so boring lol Regards GBfan

Posted by: gbfan001 at April 26, 2005 07:09 AM (AaAze)

2 My favorite is "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing" I am going to have to use that one!

Posted by: Oddybobo at April 26, 2005 08:08 AM (6Gm0j)

3 "I swear, bloggers are the only people who can talk a lot without boring the crap out of me." Is that all bloggers, Harv? Or just most of 'em? Cause, see, that problem with the MT-Blacklist software at Mu Nu - if they would simply enhance the structure of test phrases in the conditional logic before initiating the rejection module... *grin*

Posted by: at April 26, 2005 02:58 PM (Mu8gg)

4 That wasn't boring talk, (whoever just posted), that was mind numbing, coma inducing talk. The difference is, with the coma inducing talk, all you get is drool. With the booring, never shut up talk, you get all sorts of homocidal urges.

Posted by: GEBIV at April 26, 2005 03:28 PM (qnNu4)

5 I'm guessing that was Jeff of Ponytailed Conservative who hates the fact that munu comments ban the word "si-te", thus leaving him unable to post comments. And I didn't find that sentence boring at all. I wish I worked with people who had the ability to talk like that :-/

Posted by: Harvey at April 26, 2005 05:26 PM (ubhj8)

6 Yep, that was me... didn't mean to post anon - got in a hurry! And the si-te thing... I blogged about it again (very non-specifically). Hopefully I'm over myself now. *LOL*

Posted by: jeff (ponytailed conservative) at April 26, 2005 06:34 PM (Mu8gg)

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(Introduction)

Love doesn't make things easier, just worth it.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

Posted by: Harvey at 06:15 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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This last weekend, TNT & I drove to Indiana to visit Blake of The Laughing Wolf, who graciously gave us a special, in-depth, behind the scenes tour of Wolf Park.

For a 4-hour drive, it wasn't too bad. Despite Chicago's best efforts to get us lost with construction, confusing signage, and poorly-marked exits, we made our way around the Windy City and into the Snowy State, i.e. Indiana.

That's right. Freakin' snow. In April. Not enough to accumulate or mess up the roads, but just enough to remind you why some people don't ever want to live this far north.

However, the joke was on Mother Nature, since even though the crappy weather was probably meant to punish me for my evil ways, it turned out to be a disguised blessing. See, the wolves are still wearing their winter coats, and if it would've been hot, they would've been boring, furry lawn ornaments (as Blake described their behavior during last week's summery weather). As it was, they were bursting with energy - frisking, frolicking, racing, chasing, playing, and generally being as entertaining as you could possibly hope for. Despite the 40 degree weather and bitter 20+ mph winds, we enjoyed ourselves immensely.

Aside from the furry things, the best part of Wolf Park was Gale. She was sweet, intelligent, charming, vivacious, friendly & informative, and even favored us with one of her cheers from her days as a cheerleader in Ancient Egypt ("Isis! Isis! Ra! Ra! Ra!"). Yeah, she's as bad with the puns as Blake. Outside of that, though, I don't know what else she could've done to make us feel more welcome, as she gave us the extra-thorough tour of the grounds and made sure we were introduced to every 4-legged resident.

Well, except for the bison, but they were kinda snooty, so no great loss.

In addition to getting us the Full Monty tour of Wolf Park, Blake also gave us a well-narrated tour of Lafayette. I have to say, he's a top-rank tour guide, full of informational tidbits about every place we visited. If you ever get a chance to have him show you around, take him up on it, because he knows the area and can tell you everything you want to know.

Although he didn't know why there was a plethora of weirdos wandering around the Purdue campus, but I'm sure he'll let us know when he finds out.

The evening ended at the Lafayette Brewing Company where I found some fantastic reddish brew (I think it was Eastside Bitter, but I'm not positive) and was introduced to deep-fried crack, aka Cheesy Potato Munchers which are basically tater-tots laced with cheddar cheese and jalapeno peppers. I could eat those things all night long.

Blake, being the sweetie that he is, gave us a very thoughtful anniversary present. I'm going to consult with TNT over who'll be posting pictures of it. Let's just say that it's destined to be a family heirloom - assuming it doesn't get worn down to a nub from regular use.

So here's the short version - if Blake asks you to come to Lafayette to hang with him, say yes and get there ASAP.

For the slightly longer short version, see The Laughing Wolf.

Posted by: Harvey at 09:59 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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(click to enlarge)

My favorite sister (ok, she's my ONLY sister) mischievously bottle-feeds me dish soap instead of milk, much to my dismay.

Posted by: Harvey at 09:13 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Results of my meme-challenge:

Kevin of Eckernet... If I could be an architect ... the Death Star would be my first project, then IÂ’d move onto larger projects.

Teresa of Technicalities... If I could be a professor... I wouldn't tell those giving me tenure that I wasn't liberal until it was too late

Dana of Note-It Posts... If I could be a lawyerÂ… IÂ’d sue the pants off of whiny, liberal, Wal-Mart obstructionists. Then cackle in glee as they all fled into the store to buy new pants.

Ogre's tracking the whole mess here.

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