(A FILTHY LIE)

Deep in a castle, located somewhere in darkest Memphis, a vampiric-looking gentleman sat on a throne of blackest ice, scuffing his socks-and-sandals clad feet agitatedly on the stone floor as he contemplated his latest blog-post:

Another added benefit of this earthquake is that the problem of high birth rates in these third world countries need matter no more, with this so-called "disaster" to even out the ratio of births to deaths. Less peasants in the third world equals less of the money I pay in taxes being spent on ‘Aid’ or emotional extortion, as I like to call it.

Evil Glenn [finger poised above delete button]: No, too compassionate... yet compassion DOES seem to be the "in" thing these days... Maybe I should resolve to be a kinder, gentler blogger in 2006... Maybe I should embrace my inner child and [bulk of introspective soliloquy deleted as a mercy to readers]... But who would I ask for advice on such an important decision?... I know! I'll just Google semi-randomly and...

[shortly thereafter, at a house located somewhere in the frozen wastes of Wisconsin...]

[ring... ring... ring]

Harv: Hello?

Evil Glenn: Hi! Have you reviewed your insurance needs lately?

Harv: A telemarketer! Thank God! I was afraid you might be a dark blogospheric overlord looking for advice on a deeply personal issue...

Evil Glenn: Oh man. You ain't gonna like THIS one, Currency Freak...

Harv: Crap. It's you. And stop calling me Currency Freak. I don't post Graffiti Currency anymore.

Evil Glenn: What about these 284 posts?

Harv: ... YOU SHUT UP! I'm trying to cut down... Besides... it's a TWELVE step program... I'm kinda stuck on step one... you ever tried being an atheist in search of a higher power?

Evil Glenn: There's always Satan...

Harv: And again with the shut up, please. So... what's got your knickers twisted this time?

Evil Glenn: Well, it's just a little existential angst about conflicting paradigms and my...

Harv: Can it, Hamlet. Cut to the chase.

Evil Glenn: I thought you could help me with my New Year's resolution to be more compassionate in 2006.

Harv: Why me?

Evil Glenn: Because you're the #1 Google hit for it.

Harv: "Compassionate"?

Evil Glenn: Well... "compassionate penguin porn"...

Harv: I was WONDERING how that one got in my referer logs. So... whaddya wanna know?

Evil Glenn: How do I stop being such a vile, ruthless, despicable bastard?

Harv: Lawyer.

Evil Glenn: Exactly. I want to be more thoughtful, loving, caring, and vaguely effeminate, like you.

Harv: Vaguely effeminate?

Evil Glenn: OK, not so vaguely. Are you going to help me or not?

Harv: Not if you're going to be insulting.

Evil Glenn: FINE! Grossly effeminate! Now make with the helpity-help!

Harv: That's better. And you just got your first lesson. When seeking assistance, ask nicely. Write that down.

Evil Glenn: OK. Ask... nicely... Then what?

Harv: Next you've got to change some of your... bad habits. No more blending puppies.

Evil Glenn: But I need the energy!

Harv: That's why God created cocaine. Next... stop murdering hobos.

Evil Glenn: But how will I appease Satan's blood-lust so that I can stay on top of the Ecosystem?

Harv: That's another thing. No more worshipping Princes of Darkness. Now, I don't expect you to go cold turkey, but try something a little less evil.

Evil Glenn: Karl Rove?

Harv: I said LESS evil!

Evil Glenn: Rumsfeld?

Harv: Actually, I was thinking Condi Rice, but that's a start. Now... about your choice of footwear...

Evil Glenn: What?... You've got a problem with Birkenstocks & knee-high Hello Kitty socks?

Harv: Do you want my help or not?

Evil Glenn: Yeah, yeah... pink pumps with little sparklies?

Harv: They're not open toe, are they?

Evil Glenn: No

Harv: They'll do.

Evil Glenn: Next I suppose you'll want me to stop punching Frank J.?

Harv: HELL no. You can smack him around 'till the cows come home. If he's incapacitated, I get to post whatever I want at IMAO.

Evil Glenn: That doesn't sound very compassionate...

Harv: Hey! I'm the one giving the advice! You just keep taking notes!

Evil Glenn: ... just sayin', is all...

Harv: Anyway, one more thing and you'll be as vaguely effeminate...

Evil Glenn: Grossly effeminate...

Harv: Whatever... as me. You need to give up penguin porn.

Evil Glenn: Give up... oh... no... no, no, no. We shan't be doing that.

Harv: Sorry, Glenn. The road to compassion travels not through penguinperv.com.

Evil Glenn: But... But... I just CAN'T give it up! Those stubby wings... that sensuous waddle... those silky little feathers... I... mmmm... oooohhh... feathers... yes... YES!

Harv: Glenn... what are you doing?

Evil Glenn: Uh... I gotta go, um... milk the cow.

[click]

I didn't know Evil Glenn had a farm...

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

[hat tip to Sally of Whimsy Capricious for the pointer to "Evil Glenn's" post]

Posted by: Harvey at 06:05 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 780 words, total size 6 kb.

(Introduction)

[hat tip to blogson _Jon of We Swear for this one]

Cold Feet
---------

Her feet are always so cold when she got into bed.
We play games using body parts to warm them up.
But some parts of her body are always hot.
Not just in bed.

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

Posted by: Harvey at 05:40 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 44 words, total size 1 kb.

(Introduction)
[new bill - not previously posted]

(click to enlarge)

[(hat, mascara, postage stamp moustache)]

Presidential Fun Fact:
Alexander Hamilton once starred in a community theater production of the musical "Springtime for Hitler".

Posted by: Harvey at 05:32 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 28 words, total size 1 kb.

While perusing the Football 101 page at About.com, I came across this summary of penalties, and the bottom one caught my eye:

Touchdown Awarded (Palpably Unfair Act)

1. When Referee determines a palpably unfair act deprived a team of a touchdown. (Example: Player comes off bench and tackles runner apparently en route to touchdown.)

Is anyone aware of this penalty ever actually having been handed out?

Posted by: Harvey at 05:06 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
Post contains 72 words, total size 1 kb.

Blogdaughter Tammi of Tammi's World is mired in mental confusion:

I don't know what I'm fussin' about. Honestly. I'm just mad at me. If I knew why I'd forgive myself and tell me to get over it. That's the problem. I don't know why.

Here's my suggestion:

Pen, notebook, quiet place.

At the top of the sheet of paper, write the question you want the answer to. Perhaps in this case "Why does my life feel unbalanced?"

Then just start writing whatever falls out of your head for about 15 minutes or so. Doesn't have to make sense. Doesn't even have to be legible. It's for your eyes only, so feel free to write ANYTHING, since no one else will ever see it. Feel free to throw it away when you're done.

Your problem is that your mind is currently a clogged sink. There's a wad a greasy muck in your mental pipes, but you can't get at it because your head is full of the standing water of muddled thoughts.

Writing down the muddle is like bailing out the sink. With the murky water out of the way, you can start to work on clearing the clog.

Which you can do by getting a fresh sheet of paper and topping it with a more direct problem-solving question, like "How can I get [thing that would make your life feel more balanced]?"

Of course, if you're not much for writing, there's always prayer. Try this one:

"God, if I asked you why my life felt unbalanced, what would you say?"

Then sit quietly and listen. I suspect you'll get an answer within 5 minutes, as God (just like everyone else) tends to be prompt when giving advice to someone who asks for it willingly.

Hope that helps.

Posted by: Harvey at 04:43 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 309 words, total size 2 kb.

"Milking the cow"

Posted by: Harvey at 02:36 PM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
Post contains 13 words, total size 1 kb.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Rummy says that the US plans on pulling 7000 combat troops out of Iraq in 2006. Mostly because Iraqi security forces will be trained up enough to do most of the terrorist-shootin' themselves by that time. Hard to believe it's taking them this long to improve their marksmanship, but apparently Iraqis have worse aim than Ted Kennedy approaching a bridge, so we just have to make do with what we've got.

Meanwhile, we'll have 7000 troops with nothing to kill, so we'll need to find something else for them to do until Iran mouths off one time too many.

Here are my suggestions:

* Rub salve on Frank J's rash.

* Invade France - one can hold the gun while the other 6999 collect white flags from all the trembling surrender monkeys.

* Since Democrats are all pissed off about wiretapping terrorists, we'll just have the soldiers stand next to the terrorists and eavesdrop, instead.

* Use them to re-connect that loose wire on your computer's motherboard.

* No, wait... that's solders. Nevermind.

* After the '06 elections, the DNC is gonna need some logistical support to deliver their extra supplies of special "weeping hankies".

* Have them walk around New York City and gut-punch every lazy, overpaid Transport Workers Union bastard that went on strike.

* Rebuild the levees in New Orleans.

* Preferably with the bodies of the lazy, overpaid Transport Workers Union bastards that went on strike.

* Get 'em all likkered up & suggest that it might be fun to try pushing the UN Building into the East River... "it'll be sorta like cow tipping!"

* Give them each a pointy stick and have them poke at Howard Dean to see if they can get him to make that funny sound again.

* Give them a Holocaust Cloak and a wheelbarrow and have them storm the castle.

AFTER they finish with Howard Dean.

Posted by: Harvey at 01:59 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 376 words, total size 3 kb.

Blogson Jeff of Ponytailed Conservative is doing it.

Blogdaughter Pam of Camp HappyBadFun is doing it.

I know Susie of Practical Penumbra did it. More than once.

Now it's my turn.

A picture of my parents, from back in the day:

(click to enlarge)

It's December 30th, 1942, and they've been married all of about 3 hours

Mom's 18. Dad's 26. The first of 8 children is still almost 2 years away.

Standing in a snowbank in Antigo, Wisconsin, but I'll bet neither one of them was feeling cold.

Posted by: Harvey at 01:45 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 97 words, total size 1 kb.

(Introduction)

To the best of my knowledge, I don't believe I've told you lately about the thrill I feel when our lips meet. Chills run down my spine, electricity fills the air, and I am paralyzed, for just an instant, while my heart catches up to the emotional overload my brain feels. Then comes the warmth, and the rush of passion fills the air while I see clouds explode into broadening, deafening sunlight. I then melt, deep into the arms of my love, my friend, my companion, my everything. You are my perfect angel. I love you so deeply...

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

Posted by: Harvey at 09:18 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 105 words, total size 1 kb.

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(lipstick lip imprint)]

Monica's first President.

Posted by: Harvey at 09:12 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 13 words, total size 1 kb.

Filthy Lie Assignment Reminder: How will Evil Glenn ring in the New Year? is due by 11pm EST Friday, December 30th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

Basil's Blog Tip: Blogger Inline Comments

New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: What children's book will Saddam be writing?

Posted by: Harvey at 09:10 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 59 words, total size 1 kb.

The official vodka of the Bad Example Family

(technically worksafe, but hard to explain)

[Hat tip: Blogson _Jon of We Swear]

UPDATE: Because of the popularity of the ad images, the home page for the company that makes the stuff is nearly impossible to find. It's made by the Bulgarian company Vinprom Peshtera, at whose site you can find some interesting commercials.

Those who've actually tasted the stuff say it's pretty good.

Posted by: Harvey at 02:00 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 69 words, total size 1 kb.

1 Will have to give it a try. The best vodka I had was while in Finland. Can't remember the name of it. Sigh.

Posted by: vw bug at December 28, 2005 03:13 PM (t+Bvy)

2 heh. That's pretty much right on the money

Posted by: caltechgirl at December 28, 2005 03:29 PM (XbOsd)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

Blogdaughter Boudicca of Boudicca's Voice asks an interesting question:

"women hate it when men's pants are hanging THAT low that the upper part of their backside is fully exposed when they bend down.

I am sure there are exceptions, but overall, women think its gross.

So here is my question. Do men think this is unattractive for women to expose the same part?

Believe it or not, I'd have to say no on the butt crack.

The thing I like about the rear view of a woman is the curve of her hips and the round bottom of her butt cheeks.

If she's wearing low-rise jeans and she's squatting, I assume the curve of her hips is being cruelly cut into by her waistband and - regardless of how shapely she is - she'll be suffering the "muffin effect".

Not a good look for ANY woman.

Posted by: Harvey at 07:36 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
Post contains 156 words, total size 1 kb.

(Introduction)

Everything I do and everything I see
Is more beautiful and wonderful because of my love for you.
When you smile, your eyes of warmest brown,
Light up like a cool summer's night.
Sending shivers over my body much to my delight.

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

Posted by: Harvey at 09:03 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 49 words, total size 1 kb.

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[200]

Number of Sony executives who deserve to have the living crap beat out of them for that root kit copy protection fiasco.

Posted by: Harvey at 09:03 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 32 words, total size 1 kb.

In a fit of holiday cheerfulness, Beloved Wife TNT of Smiling Dynamite suggests that you should post about what you like best about yourself.

I pick up the gauntlet thusly:

My uncanny ability to quote something out of context and make it sound like a euphemism for something dirty.

It's a *gift*, people.

Your turn.

Yeah, you can use my comments section (or TNT's) if you want, but wouldn't you rather post it at your place? You're probably burned out from all your Christmas activities anyway, and this makes for a nice, low-effort entry.

Posted by: Harvey at 02:19 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 100 words, total size 1 kb.

A-one...

A-Twoo-hoo...

Three.

Blogdaughter/niece Sarah of That's Not Very Nice! has your critter-huntin' report available at her place.

Posted by: Harvey at 01:51 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 54 words, total size 1 kb.

Still time to add your name to the list of people attending the biggest, coldest, and firstest blogmeet of 2006:

Bloggranddaughter Sissy of And What Next... has her interview posted at Basil's Blog.

Some out-of-context excerpts:

"her pelvic bone and I"

"in a pitcher"

"IÂ’ve never felt"

"All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You"

"canÂ’t find the picture"

"I also have a couple of other people I know who I think would be good, but IÂ’m still working on them"

"I thought by now I would have given it up"

"I could get into some good trouble with it"

Go see Basil to find out if Sissy's as naughty as she sounds.

Posted by: Harvey at 08:13 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 106 words, total size 1 kb.

Daddy's gotta step in.

And, as usual, I'm taking the girl's side, because Tammi's so delicate & helpless.

Here's the deal. Blogson Contagion of Miasmatic Review is holding some of blogdaughter Tammi of Tammi's World's pretty glassware hostage and is asking for ransom.

"Help! Help!" says Tammi.

Actually, it was "if I can just figure out a way to twist Contagion's demands and put 'em back on him........I wish I were more devious", but that's close enough.

How DOES one respond to a ransom demand?

Why, with blackmail, of course.

Hopefully Tammi can get a little leverage out of Contagion's darkest secret (see extended entry): more...

Posted by: Harvey at 08:00 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 126 words, total size 1 kb.

1 Eh, you're too late for that tactic old man! There are real pictures of me in Bears gear out there from a bet I lost years ago. If the Bears actually make it to the superbowl I'll be in Bears gear again with a bet I have with Graumagus. The ransom still stands, If I don't see some pictures soon there will be glass everywhere! BTW, the rules state as long as I live under your roof, I have to follow your rules... I'm not under your roof anymore!

Posted by: Contagion at December 27, 2005 08:16 AM (Q5WxB)

Hide Comments | Add Comment