Jen of Jennifer's History & Stuff was having a contest with a delightful prize assortment awarded to the person who referred her 250,000th visitor.

Since I'm da man, I get the fabled "bucket o' stuff".

I'm thinkin' the bucket will make a great shotglass.

Not sure what I'll use the shotglass for...

Posted by: Harvey at 07:42 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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On occasion, I get people asking about some of the comments left by Madfish Willie. They'll say something like, "What's up with him? How come you let him troll your comments like that?"

Troll?

Hell, that ain't trolling, that's male bonding.

#1 guy rule - if someone you like says something rude, it's meant as a compliment. It's a way of saying "I think you're tough enough to take a verbal punch, and I think you're clever enough to give better right back."

Women, however, play a completely different game. With them (all too often) if you say something that can be taken as either completely innocent or mean & hurtful, they'll assume it's the mean & hurtful one (See rule #29).

And oh MY can they be acrobatic about extracting the wrong meaning.

Probably a habit formed over a lifetime of talking with other women, since when one woman says something ambiguous to another woman, she's usually getting in a cleverly-disguised little dig.

It's simply too unladylike to be mean in an upfront fashion, ya know. Gotta be catty about it.

On the other hand, maybe my mind's been poisoned from watching "Desperate Housewives".

Posted by: Harvey at 07:28 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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1 You've been watching Desperate Housewives? Doesn't that make you a woman?

Posted by: Contagion at December 27, 2005 08:18 AM (Q5WxB)

2 TNT watches it and she won't let me have the remote :-( THAT'S what makes me a woman :-D

Posted by: Harvey at December 27, 2005 08:25 AM (ubhj8)

3 See, this is why I have hardly any friends that are girls. They generally can't handle the abuse I constantly spew. Men seem to make better friends because they just say it how it is, and pick on you to your face instead of behind your back. You always know where you stand with a guy friend. Women, I just can't figure out. Funny because I am a woman!

Posted by: Sarah at December 27, 2005 11:29 AM (UKWHw)

4 Heh. You're SO going to love Contagion :-D

Posted by: Harvey at December 27, 2005 01:07 PM (ubhj8)

5 What's that supposed to mean you slack jawed hill billy?

Posted by: Contagion at December 27, 2005 02:34 PM (Q5WxB)

6 I watched part of Desperate Housewives once - I thought the writing was really good. I talk out loud when watching TV, usually predicting what the person should say. In many cases, they said what I have. Which is pretty rare. (Without the swearing, of course.) Contagion: that's pretty funny right 'der.

Posted by: _Jon at December 27, 2005 04:21 PM (/R7YK)

7 Didn't I get the same thing once from one of the broads here? And she thought that http://www.donotremove was some sort of dummy address?

Posted by: Phelps at December 30, 2005 10:58 AM (KAQTS)

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Gmail's back, so you can use that address again.

Would've been nice if they'd dropped me a line after they re-enabled access to my account instead of letting me guess.

Wouldn't mind knowing what the hell happened, too.

Posted by: Harvey at 06:49 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Tried to log into my Gmail account (which I didn't touch over the weekend) hoping to spend the day whittling down my insane backlog of communications, and got this message:

Our system indicates unusual usage of your account. In order to protect Gmail users from potentially harmful use of Gmail, this account has been disabled for up to 24 hours.

If you are using any third party software that interacts with your Gmail account, please disable it or adjust it so that its use complies with the Gmail Terms of Use. If you feel that you have been using your Gmail account according to the Terms of Use or otherwise normally, please contact us at gmail-lockdown@google.com to report this problem.

Still waiting on a response.

Meanwhile, use harvolson-at-charter.net for urgent communications.

Posted by: Harvey at 09:14 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Showing less self-control than a Democratic Underground troll hopped up on Red Bull and commenting at Free Republic, the President of Iran has recently made foolish statements such as "Israel should be wiped off the map", "the Holocaust never happened", and "developing a nuclear weapons program within flying distance of the Israeli Air Force is perfectly sensible".

To regain his credibility as "sane" in international diplomatic circles, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad decided to publish a pamphlet of interesting facts about Iran. Even though I can't read the drunken-monkey-fingerpainting that passes for their written language, I'm sure that my translation is at least as accurate as any given CBS news report.

* Iran was originally settled by a busload of people who got lost on their way to a 7-11 Owners' Convention.

* Iran is ruled by the "Council of Guardians" who strictly enforce the Koran's edicts all across the land. Living in Iran is like the Muslim version of living at Ned Flanders' house.

* I guess that would make the US troops in Iraq like Homer Simpson.

* Mmmm... infidelicious...

* The Iran-Iraq border is still littered with land mines from the Iran-Iraq war. If you need to sneak across the border, bring a Mexican to show you how to do it right.

* Before the founding of the Muslim empire in the region in 700 AD, there used to be two other countries between Iran and Iraq - namely Irao and Irap.

* For 8 years, Iran battled Iraq to a standstill, a feat that the Americans were unable to duplicate for almost an entire day during the Gulf War.

* If something smells like the back end of a camel, it could be the front end of an Iranian.

* Although some people - mostly filthy hippies - say that Iran is no threat to us, I still find it suspicious that their initials stand for Islamic Radicals Aren't Nice.

* Soon to stand for Idiots Receive American Nuking.

* In a battle between Iraq and Aquaman, Aquaman would raise an army of jellyfish and... right... who am I kidding? The Iranians would chop him into lutefisk before he even hit the beach.

* Iran's national symbol is:

I have NO idea... a pole-dancing penguin wearing a Mario moustache, maybe?

Posted by: Harvey at 09:14 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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1 Hahahaha! "pole-dancing penguin wearing a mario moustache..." Good one!

Posted by: Richmond at December 26, 2005 05:08 PM (e8QFP)

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(Introduction)

The daylight faded into darkness and still he sat, waiting patiently for her to wake. He studied the line of her body as she lay sleeping, the curve of her hip and shoulder, the soft rounding of her back. She was such a tiny thing, just a little bit of flesh and bone beneath the coverings, the smallest spark of life. He marveled at the texture of her skin, at the coloring, the absence of flaws. She might have been molded by some great artist whose reflection and skill had created a once-and-only masterpiece...

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

Posted by: Harvey at 09:07 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

(click to enlarge images)

THE QUESTION:

[You're really hott What's your #?]

THE ANSWER:

[Not now]

[Not ever]

Posted by: Harvey at 09:07 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

Emptiness is filled with richness and reward
Promises are kept as into forever we voyage
What was once storm-tossed now is serene
Love shared awakens new beginnings
Forever doesn't seem long enough
Vows are made, yearnings are fulfilled
Passion and tenderness envelops us
We feel the warmth of souls united
Forever doesn't seem long enough

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

Posted by: Harvey at 04:56 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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1 Merry Christmas Harv. Jesus believes in you, so it's all good! Hope you and yours have a wonderful holiday. And in keeping with the spirit of the holiday, FIRST!

Posted by: jimmyb at December 25, 2005 04:47 PM (oQyJ+)

2 I sincerely hope that that FIRST crap doesn't catch on . . . (I realize that this complaint will likely ensure that someone, from somewhere, continues it)

Posted by: Andrew (Aris Ravencroft) at December 27, 2005 01:27 AM (o+sy7)

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(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[UR #1]

No... I mean you smell like urine.

Posted by: Harvey at 03:56 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

Love is a burning desire,
That makes your heart light on fire,
Love is being with you,
Someone saying I love you, too,
Love is your tender kiss,
Something you don't want to miss,
Love is you and me,
And that is all I see.

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

Posted by: Harvey at 09:19 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[Josh]

George jots a quick note to remind himself not to always be so darn serious when chatting with foreign dignitaries.

Posted by: Harvey at 09:15 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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1

Posted by: Susie at December 22, 2005 03:27 PM (a0oF7)

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Precision Guided Humor Assignment reminder: What stupid thing will Iran say next? due by 9pm EDT Wednesday, December 21st. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Monday Linky Stuff

Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Glenn's Christmas

Friday Linky Stuff

Posted by: Harvey at 08:12 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

Dreams are wishes... wants... desires
From the deepest corners of your heart.
But how do we fulfill our needs?
Where's the best place to start?
Is there an age that we must be?
Must a lesson have been learned?
Can just anyone fulfill their dreams?
Or must our dreams be earned?
If I could have my heart's desire,
It could easily come true.
To make mine a world of happiness,
All I'll ever want is you.
My dream is but a simple one,
Yet sometimes hard to acquire.
Just someone to give me sweet, sweet love
And fill my soul with fire.
But dreams can also show themselves,
And take you by surprise.
Consume your world with happiness,
Promising no goodbyes.
It suddenly appears
My dreams have come to life.
I'm living in my dream world
With you for all my life.

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

Posted by: Harvey at 08:09 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(Hamilton with red hair and beard)]

Looks like Mr. Hamilton was out earning his red wings, BIG time.

Posted by: Harvey at 08:07 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Guest Poster Tina of We Swear wants to re-title some Christmas songs.

Which reminds me of what I did to Holly Jolly Christmas last year. I was debating re-posting it, but it IS a holiday classic so what the hell...

Well, it seems that everybody's favorite chubby, squinty-eyed, folk-singer/snowman, Burl Ives, belted out one too many verses of "Holly Jolly Christmas" and the tenuous thread by which my sanity was hanging snapped like a beatnick's fingers.

Consequently, I was inspired to turn this cheerful little holiday ditty into something dark and twisted. I've placed it in the extended entry to protect those less Grinched-out than myself.

Here's a midi file if you want to sing along. Ignore the 5 second intro and quit after about 51 seconds, unless you want to repeat some verses.
more...

Posted by: Harvey at 09:23 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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1 Lyrical genius Harvey

Posted by: Dr. Phat Tony at December 19, 2005 09:25 AM (fk/lm)

2 Heheheh... very nice!

Posted by: That 1 Guy at December 19, 2005 11:12 AM (ZoF1Q)

3 LOL!

Posted by: Tina at December 19, 2005 12:07 PM (SCN6v)

4 Thanks. I needed that.

Posted by: Richmond at December 19, 2005 02:29 PM (e8QFP)

5 okay, that should win a grammy. (You should put it in the next podcast)

Posted by: Andrew (Aris Ravencroft) at December 19, 2005 05:49 PM (o+sy7)

6 I can't help it - I still love Christmas!

Posted by: dustbunny101 at December 19, 2005 06:59 PM (a+Mxr)

7 HILARIOUS

Posted by: Carmen at December 19, 2005 09:00 PM (vgFmj)

8 .. I'll do my able best, Harv...

Posted by: Eric at December 20, 2005 07:15 AM (r5XsL)

9 You are a bad, bad man. Mheh. :->

Posted by: physics geek at December 21, 2005 10:50 AM (Xvrs7)

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Some thoughts on the recent Iraqi elections from blogson Mike the Marine of From the Halls to the Shores:

All across the nation, people are committed to this process. Now, IÂ’m not blind. I can see a couple different reasons for people voting, and not all of them are positive. Some Iraqis want to install a hard-line Islamic theocracy in the model of Iran. Some Iraqis are voting simply because they figure if the process works, then the Americans will leave. But most, I think, are voting because they actually give a damn what happens to their country and want a safe environment for their families and children. They want a say in how things run. And even the folks who are only voting as a means to the end of gettinÂ’ us goneÂ… well, thatÂ’s fine by me.

Because, you see, they can hate us or they can love us. But as long as they respect us, and love their kids more than they hate usÂ… hell, IÂ’ll call that a win.

Of course, the MSM still doesn't get it. According to Matty O'Blackfive, CNN's coverage includes year old film footage.

Hey, whatever it takes to make America look bad, right?

Posted by: Harvey at 09:17 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

O happy hours when I may once more encircle within these arms the dearest object of my love - when I shall again feel the pressure of that "aching head" which will delight to recline upon my bosom, when I may again press to my heart which palpitates with the purest affection that loved one who has so long shared its undivided attention.

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

Posted by: Harvey at 09:10 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(Serial number 69696986]

"Okay, wait. If you guys are really us, what number are we thinking of?"

Posted by: Harvey at 09:09 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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(A Filthy Lie)
(WITH PROFUSE APOLOGIES TO THE LATE DR. SEUSS)

...for what's in the extended entry... more...

Posted by: Harvey at 05:06 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

The Beauty that beholds me when I look upon you,
is like a tidal wave crashing down upon me,
both mesmerizing and stunning.
Warm and enveloping it is,
it brings ecstasy to know that it is mine.
How I wish to hold it,
to hold you, forever.

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

Posted by: Harvey at 04:53 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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