October 24, 2005
[I GREW HEMP]
Helzberg Entrepreneurial Mentoring Program, that is.
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October 23, 2005
My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below...
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, it's time to follow the yellow brick road out to Kansas, so let's get started...
Kansas became the 34th state on January 29th, 1861 because America needed to meet its Affirmative Action quota for stolen Indian land.
Kansas was originally populated by people from Iowa who just couldn't handle that state's hectic, fast-paced lifestyle anymore.
The state bird of Kansas is the meadowlark, whose beautiful song failed to impress Simon during an American Idol audition.
The state flower of Kansas is the sunflower, the seeds of which are highly poisonous and can only be cured with high doses of steroids.
At least according to the Major League Baseball Player's Union.
Kansas lies along the eastern edge of Colorado, but sometimees sneaks across the border in the dead of night to steal the occasional mountain.
Kansas normally maintains a constant temperature of 72 degrees all year long, but sometimes impish tornadoes mess with the thermostat when no one's looking.
At just over 4000 feet, Mt. Sunflower is the highest point in Kansas.
And yeah, they stole it from Colorado. Dirty, thieving Kansasians!
The state flag of Kansas consists of a blue background behind a wicked witch and four flying monkeys.
Members of the Kansas Board of Education voted to outlaw the teaching of evolution in Kansas schools to avoid offending monkeys who were outraged at the suggestion that they evolved from hippies.
The state song of Kansas is "We're Not Too Crazy About Newton's Theory of Gravity, Either".
The state motto of Kansas is "Flat, boring, and full of wheaty goodness. We're like America's snack cracker!"
The word Kansas comes from a Sioux Indian word meaning "Probably not a good place to build a ski resort".
Cawker City, Kansas is home to the world's largest ball of twine. It contains over 300 miles of string and 73 slow kittens.
Kansas has a population of 2.6 million people, but surprisingly, NONE of them have ever seen "The Wizard of Oz", and they'll just stare at you blankly if you refer to someone's dog as Toto.
The state tree of Kansas is the cottonwood tree, which is used to make very splintery T-shirts.
The first female Mayor in the US was Susan Salter, elected in Argonia, Kansas in 1887. However, she was soon driven out of office due to a scandalous affair with her intern, Marvin Lewinsky
No relation to Monica, although, he WAS rumored to occasionally wear a blue dress.
The dial telephone was invented by Almon Stowger of El Dorado, Kansas and was a vast improvement over earlier models which required the user to make different animal noises for each digit.
The 34th President of the US - Dwight Eisenhower - was born in Abilene, Kansas. His portrait was removed from the dollar coin in 1979, but still remains on most Chuck E. Cheese game tokens.
In exchange for the relatively low income tax rate, citizens of Kansas are required to spend one week each year working in one of the state's wheat mines.
Kansas has the lowest suicide rate of any state in the US, mostly because there's nothing high enough to jump off of.
The state sport of Kansas is WheatBall, which is even less exciting than it sounds.
The state constitution of Kansas guarantees its citizens the right to keep and bear tornadoes.
Mostly as a defense against any flying monkeys that might their way over the rainbow from Oz.
Kansas has the largest population of wild grouse in the US. These birds are also known as "prairie chickens" or "meadow Frenchmen".
There are over 500 caves in Kansas. The fact that Bruce Wayne owns all of them does NOT prove that he's Batman.
Last year, Kansas grew 500 million bushels of wheat, which, if it were all made into bread, would be enough to feed Michael Moore lunch.
Well, that wraps up the Kansas edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be out shopping for moonshine in Kentucky.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go play a game of WheatBall... yay.
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I'm old enough to remember when Hollywood was on our side and most of the movie stars were also. If the current Hollywood buttheads were around in WWII, they would have been on Hitler's side. The Lamestream Media would have been also.
He's righter than he knows.
After browsing through some of Dr. Seuss's old War Cartoons, I found this one:
(click to enlarge)
and checked out those names - McCormick & Patterson.
Here's a Wikipedia snippet:
Along with her brother at the New York Daily News and her cousin at the Chicago Tribune, Patterson was an ardent isolationist and opponent of the administration of Franklin D. Roosevelt. In 1942, after the Battle of Midway, the Times-Herald ran a Tribune story that revealed American intelligence was reading the Japanese naval code. Roosevelt, furious, had the Tribune and the Times-Herald indicted for espionage but backed down because of the publicity, charges he was persecuting his enemies, and the likelihood of an acquittal (since the Navy's own censors had twice cleared the story before it was published). During World War II, she and her brother were accused by their enemies of being Nazi sympathizers. Representative Elmer Holland of Pennsylvania on the floor of the United States House of Representatives said Cissy and Joseph Patterson "would welcome the victory of Hitler."
So, there's nothing new these days.
Just more of it.
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Bloggers, please leave a comment noting:1. your blogfather, or blogmother, as the case may be. Just one please - the one blog that, more than any other, inspired you to start blogging - even if he/she was a general influence. Please donÂ’t name Instapundit, unless you are on his blogchildren list.
2. Include your blog-birth-month, the month that you started blogging, if you can.
3. If you are reasonably certain that you have spawned any blog-children, mention them, too.
Which would've been quite simple, I'm sure, until Teresa of Technicalities (who gets a link because she's daddy's favorite) named me as her blogfather.
Now that I'm on the Commissar's radar, he's got to try to sort out my assorted incestuous spawnings, adoptions, and man-on-man blog-love-children.
What a mess.
Anyway, if you're one of my multi-parented offspring, you might make it easier on him if you stop by his place and name your favorite blog-parent. Go ahead & be honest. I know I wasn't ALWAYS the one pushing hardest to get you started. My feelings won't be hurt.
Of course, I may cut your allowance and force you to get a job, but that would be completely unrelated.
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F*cking show-off.
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Which I don't hold against him. After all, I had a similarly moist reaction when I got MY first blog.
And sure he's late to the party, but even "old-timers" like me are wet behind the ears compared to the mega-neander-old-school bloggers who've been doing it since the 20th century.
Yet people are making fun of him. He's got his own cruel-but-accurate thread on FARK.
Which is freakin' hilarious and worth a peek.
Three things from that thread. First, the only defense of Ric's actions:
Network news anymore plays to an older demographic, so it makes sense that phenomena that have finally become mainstream enough that said older folks would have heard of it, like blogging, get reported on at what is, to us, a rediculously late point.
Second, an interesting question: WHY is this news?:
It's of course great that you can post your thoughts and opinions on the internet for all to read, but what I don't get is why its such a big deal to the news media?Could it be they are shocked that people actually have opinions? Could it be they are surprised that ANYONE can put their opinion on a device that anyone in the world can read at anytime? Which, prior to the internet, was something only they could do.
Third, the most accurate description of why his news story sucked:
Anyone else think this read like a Jr. High history report where you know the teacher already knows what you are supposed to say, so you are just trying to hit all the money phrases?
But what FARK doesn't have is a screenshot of Ric's really crappy blog, which has been taken down. Sadly, Google cache doesn't offer working links to the picture he posted or the comments, but at least you can get an idea of how sad this thing is.
(click to enlarge)
I mean, I always say that your first post is supposed to suck, but your next post is supposed to be an improvement.
Sorry, Ric. You failed.
Oh, and pink... NOT your color.
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How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every dayÂ’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhoodÂ’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]
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October 22, 2005
I think this is probably appropriate:
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It's simple... all you do is Google "(your name) needs", and see what you come up with.
I'm going to change it up a little, to "Harvey says", and - unlike That 1 Guy's discoveries - I think my words are self-explanatory.
Harvey says:
...his porn industry connection has never seriously hampered his charity work
...the key is selling contraceptives, rather than giving them away
..."I felt down in the dumps. I felt like she was rejecting me
..."I could go to work in my pajamas,
...he pushed for a trial because he was sure that he would clear his name.
...he pulls back and takes more time
...the timing was a coincidence.
...at this size, a few rules are necessary
..."Would I have done some of the things he's done in public? No.
...he experienced a feeling of satisfaction, control and power.
...he needs it more than anyone
..."We can drink later."
...That customer probably never knew what hit her
..."I have one at home, I used it for a toilet paper holder."
...and a surprisingly large number of them were gay.
...experts in the video discuss the disturbing push
..."OK, really quickly.
...he spent 20 years conscientiously helping people get sicker.
...the display includes interactive and hands-on aspects
..."The harder they come, the harder they fall"
..."You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
...it is time to take a second look at the diaphragm
...in horny excitement
...his 1700 clients are of different age groups
...investigators think the fire started in the bedroom
...he is looking forward to the new challenges the position will bring
..."This will differentiate this technique from others
...that the liquid-based coating method could be applied to unusual shapes, including tubes.
Um... on the advice of my attorney, I won't be saying anything else.
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09:33 PM
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So, being in the chocolate state of mind, I picked the itty bitty chocolate chips out of the sherbet. It couldn't have added up to one bite of a hersheys bar. But, I got my fix.
Damn. That's pretty pathetic.
My question is... COULD it get any worse? What IS the most desperate act imaginable for satisfying a chocolate craving?
My imagination only extends as far as eating baking chocolate and chasing it with a spoonful of sugar.
Posted by: Harvey at
08:34 PM
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October 21, 2005
Some of you may have seen this Day By Day cartoon and wondered, "Why does Glenn Reynolds have an alien living at his house?"
Turns out it's not REALLY an alien. It's Phin, from Phin's Blog.
It's all part of Glenn's plan to destroy any bloggers who might threaten his rulership of the blogosphere. His first target, naturally, was IMAO. After all, it WAS Frank J. who first exposed his puppy-blending habit.
So he hired Phin, who - bitter at not being invited to join IMAO - agreed to use his awesome photoshopping powers to destroy IMAO once and for all.
With dreams of vengeance twisting his mind, he developed an image so inhumanly revolting that a single glance would send any IMAO reader screaming into the night, clawing at his eyes, never to return again to the now-accursed URL of www.imao.us.
The only way to defeat Evil Glenn's foul plot is to not view the extended entry...
Aren't you glad you didn't click?
On the bright side, Phin has been captured and now faces punishment for his crimes against humanity.
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Is due by 11pm EDT Friday, October 21st. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.
Precision Guided Humor Round-up: Al Qaeda's New Plan
New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: What will be the most memorable quotes to emerge from the trial of Saddam Hussein?
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I'll agree to that.
Anything that kills bugs in my house is fine by me.
Back in my Navy days, I lived off-base (the Enterprise was in the yards for refueling, and officially uninhabitable) in a decent-looking, but roach infested apartment. One day I caught a jumping spider, stuck it in an old mayonnaise jar, and used it as my personal Roman Colisseum of exoskelatal carnage.
Scampering roach + pouncing spider = happy Harv
Besides, it was cheaper than renting a movie.
So, I *do* like spiders.
Except when they start getting a little TOO ambitious.
Like this unidentified arachnid
who built a web across the back doorway of my garage:
(click to enlarge)
I guess I'm tastier-looking than I thought.
Well, I had to knock that one down, but the plucky little bastard was smart enough to find an even BETTER location - right underneath the 300 Watt halogen light that's right next to the back door of the garage.
First night I saw him there, I rewarded his determination by turning on the light. Within 5 minutes, a small moth clumsily fluttered into the web, not one inch from where Mr. Spider was sitting.
Yeah, that was over with pretty quick.
I hope he develops a taste for Asian Beetles next. If he does, I may let blogdaughter/niece Sarah of That's Not Very Nice! borrow him for a while.
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03:07 PM
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As a Facial-Hair-Enhanced-American, I can relate.
I've had my crumb-catcher since about 30-seconds after I was discharged from the Navy, so some people might suspect that I grew it simply because I could.
Mostly true.
However, the other part of my justification is that I have a long, thin face. Combined with a hairline that's been abnormally high since I was a kid (and is slowly but surely receding), there was simply too much skin showing. I desperately needed to bring some balance to my visage.
Now, as to Jim's observation on upkeep:
In most cases, one has to regularly trim that sucker, which involves not only a razor, but also scissors and a fair amount of time. To me, that sounds like more of a pain in the ass than a daily three-minute zip, zip zip with a Mach III.
Yeah, not doing a full-face shave WAS part of the attraction. At the rate my whiskers grow, 24 hours does NOT allow enough stubble to grow for my razor to get a good grip on the tiny hairs. Result - a patchy-looking shave and plenty of irritated skin.
Now, I *do* shave my throat and take out any strays along the edges (see Little Joe's quote in the right sidebar), but I only do so every 48 hours, which lets me whack the shadow right down to the follicle every time without irritation. I can live with that. No one accuses me of "not shaving", because - Hey! I have a beard!
As for trimming the beard itself, that's only a little scissoring every couple weeks, and a 15-minute run-through with the electric beard-trimmer about once a month. Timewise, I think I come out ahead.
However, I admit that beards aren't for everyone. If yours is thin & patchy, then you're better off riding the razor-pony. But if you've got the caveman genetics to pull it off, then it's a pretty good deal.
Not to mention the fact that some women find beards VERY attractive. I've had plenty of women who were complete strangers give in to the temptation to touch it.
You naked-faced guys will never know the pleasure.
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03:04 PM
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Some high-up Al-Qaeda nutjob wrote a letter to his superior Al-Qaeda nutjob proposing a "plan" for the future of Islamofascism:
The first stage: Expel the Americans from Iraq.The second stage: Establish an Islamic authority or amirate, then develop it and support it until it achieves the level of a caliphate- over as much territory as you can[...]
Which - in terms of practicality - greatly resembles the Underpants Gnomes plan:
1) Collect underpants
2) ???
3) Profit!
or in this case:
1) Get blown up by Americans
2) ???
3) Establish Caliphate!
It's a good start, but maybe they should consider streamlining it a bit:
1) Get blown up by Americans
2) Die
MUCH better.
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02:58 PM
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I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bed rock!
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]
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02:49 PM
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[Rubber stamp: Cryn' Ryan (6x)]
Apparently Chargers fans don't like to forgive & forget.
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02:47 PM
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October 20, 2005
See any problems?
I noticed:
* No spike collar on the dog.
* Bride's hair too small.
* Groom has neither cigarette nor tattoos.
Obviously a botched photoshop job.
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04:34 PM
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Let me Google that and I'll get back to you.
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03:52 PM
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What WOULD you name that drink?
Absolut PMS?
Cramping Potato?
Kotextini?
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02:51 PM
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