King of the Blogs results are in, and it looks like Cyn's Sim is now the Queen of the Blogs.

Which means the blogosphere will soon be infested with girl-cooties.

The reviews are here, and, in addition to the fact that this week's contest was actually determined by the reader-poll results, you can also discover such things as:

Songstress7's cowbell fetish rudely breaking through the placid surface of her psyche.

Pietro committing hate speech against Blogger.

Psssst! Pietro! All Blogspot blogs now come with a Google search feature at the very top of the page.

Although AggPro's "black text on dark blue background" makes it easy to miss.

Oh, and the answer to your curiosity is "10".

Posted by: Harvey at 09:34 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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New guest post at IMAO:

Fun Facts About Flying.

Be first.

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Blogson Johnny-Oh of Closet Extremist has a couple holiday laments, both of which I can fix.

First the lack of a secular winter holiday:

The main thing that I wanna say is (of course) Merry Christmas! (Sure I'm an athiest, but that doesn't mean that I can't use the ages-old expression of well wishes during the Holiday Season. Get off my back already!)

Well, Happy Agnostica:

"An agnostic?" I asked him, "So what's up with that?"
"Belief in ourselves!" he said, "Pure logic and fact!
"But what about us who have no religion?
"Who celebrate science? Don't we get a smidgen?"
"Yes! We'll celebrate science, not some `god' in the sky!
"And declare that Jesus was just a nice guy."
# "The person of the century as declared by Time
"Is a person on SCIENCE- Albert Einstein!"
King Luca continued, "So why not revere
"This new white haired-man at this time each year?
"For Einstein! For Rutherford! For Bohr, Planck and Fermi!
"For Heisenberg, Schrodinger, for Roentgen and Curie!
"For all of those Nukees who've ever known scorn,
"The secular holiday AGNOSTICA is born!"

Second, the blandness of cash as a Christmas gift.

Most times a nice little trinket that goes along with someone's interest's is more appreciated than something as impersonal as cash, but I had to do something.

Actually, if you're going to give cash, it doesn't have to be dull. Liven it up with oddball stuff, like $2 bills, Sacagewea Dollars, Susan B. Anthony dollars, or Kennedy halves. Most banks have some of these laying around gathering dust in their vaults. You just have to ask.

But even if you can't FIND anything exotic, you can always MAKE something...

Money Origami.

After that, just duct tape them inside a paper bag, and you'll have created the bestest gift they ever got.

Posted by: Harvey at 12:46 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

The daylight faded into darkness and still he sat, waiting patiently for her to wake. He studied the line of her body as she lay sleeping, the curve of her hip and shoulder, the soft rounding of her back. She was such a tiny thing, just a little bit of flesh and bone beneath the coverings, the smallest spark of life. He marveled at the texture of her skin, at the coloring, the absence of flaws. She might have been molded by some great artist whose reflection and skill had created a once-and-only masterpiece...

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

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One man sits on the throne, and a mixed double of challengers eye it hungrily.

Could this finally be the week when a warrior hottie claims SOLE possession of The Big Chair?

Let's find out.

If you are crowned King, what King from history or popular culture would you emulate and why?

Warren of View From The Pew
GOOD POINTS: Suave segue neatly disguises the fact that this is a mandatory assignment and NOT a typical, voluntary post. Future competitors should learn from the master and avoid bland, factual introductions. MAKE UP ANOTHER REASON FOR YOUR POST. It's much more entertaining that way.
BAD POINTS: "immitate his reign"... "surrounds himelf"... "ANd this way"... didn't I warn you about stealing other people's typo schtick last week? You keep this up, and I'll be forced to vote on considering discussing a resolution - and maybe even eventually PASSING it!
SCORE: 5

T.A.P of The Aggressive Progressive
GOOD POINTS: Great off-the-wall angle on the King question. Bonus for pushing my nostalgia button by mentioning Quisp.
BAD POINTS: The Pat Robertson reference seemed a little forced & awkward. Probably could've been improved by referencing an intolerant bigot who held ACTUAL political power. Hitler, Stalin, or even the Pope maybe.
SCORE: 4

Cyn of Cyn's Sim
GOOD POINTS: Not one, but TWO pictures of big-eyed, long-haired brunettes. Either she's been reading my blog, or she's a lucky guesser. Either way - BONUS! Other great things - the mental image of the Blog War Dance just made me giggle; I liked the over-the-edge choice of RuPaul for "Queen"; finally, she gives explicit credit to BOTH of her image sources. VERY classy.
BAD POINTS: None visible
SCORE: 5

View From The Pew
GOOD POINTS: Extremely well-constructed piece on how Christians ought to be taking their message to those who need it most, whether they want to or not. I enjoyed how the tagline was woven throughout the essay to give it unity.
BAD POINTS: Perpetuates unfair stereotypes against Samarians as smelly sinners. VERY insensitive.
SCORE: 5

The Aggressive Progressive
GOOD POINTS: One of the most self-absorbed posts I've ever read - ME! ME! ME! Narcissism is a necessary trait in an effective monarch, so bonus on that.
BAD POINTS: Squanders bonus by failing to give link to the post he's complaining about. If you don't want to drive traffic to someone you don't like that's fine, but in that case, at least have the courtesy to quote the post extensively so that your readers know what you're talking about. A Fisking may have been more appropriate here.
SCORE: 3.5

Cyn's Sim
GOOD POINTS: The phrase "from the dirty but not stinky pile" just rocks. Also cool is the fact that - even wearing her dirty-but-not-stinkies, and having a head full of sleep and/or oil, she STILL can't look as skank as Britney.
BAD POINTS: She made me look at skanky ol' Britney. I'm sending her the bill for my retinal reconstructive surgery.
SCORE: 5

Here are some technical things I like to see on a blog:

King of the Blogs javascript thingy in the sidebar
Comments enabled
Permalinks working
E-mail contact info available
Blogger's name/pseudonym prominently displayed
Site search feature enabled
Link to an "About Me" post on the sidebar
Blogger's gender is easily discernable
Blogroll
Readable font style & size
Readable color scheme (for example, NOT bright red type on bright green
background)
Divisions between posts clearly marked
Paragraphing in entries (NOT just writing one fat block of text)

Aside from the tech stuff, I also like to see a blogger's personality shining through, to
remind us of the person behind the words.

With that in mind...

View From The Pew:
GOOD POINTS: Nothing but. All his techs are in order, plus he actually took my corrective advice from last week. Color me flattered.
BAD POINTS: One more suggestion, but I won't subtract for it. The link to the "About Me" post should probably go right above the contact e-mail address. Currently, it's right under the Creative Commons License stuff. The CCL is one of those things that just shouts "IGNORE ME!", and it's zone of invisibility may tend to obscure the "About Me" link with it's psychological halo.

SCORE: 5

The Aggressive Progressive:
GOOD POINTS: Excellent non-annoying use of the color yellow in the sidebar - normally to be avoided at all costs, but T.A.P. makes it work. I also really like this template's use of thin lines to keep the title, post body, and footer-information separated. Easy on the eyes, easy to use.

BAD POINTS: A little skimpy with the contact info - this is nominally a group blog, yet only one of the listed authors has a contact e-mail in their profile. I guess it's a good thing that T.A.P. is pretty much the only one posting. Another irritation is that gender is not obvious with either T.A.P. or The Almighty. I'm a little uncomfortable writing about a blogger if I don't know which pronoun to use. I'm going with "male" though, because "mike" is part of T.A.P's e-mail address.

SCORE: 3.5

Cyn's Sim
GOOD POINTS: Technically flawless. She's got everything I like to see in a blog. Bonus for the quite fetching picture of herself displayed prominently above the fold. Bonus bonus for the KotB haiku. Other bonus for having blogged since pre-9/11. Talk about longevity! WOW! I hope *I* live that long!

BAD POINTS: Just a few minor things that raised an eyebrow. First... what is Cyn short for? Cynamyn? Cynara? Cyndee? Cyndi? Cyndy? Cyneria? Cynethia? Cynithia? Cynna? Cynth? Cynthea? Cynthia? Cynthiana? Cynthiann? Cynthie? Cynthria? Cynthy? Cynthya? Cyntreia?
...just curious.

Second, Cyn's blogroll is listed by the blogger's first name instead of the blog's name. There's nothing inherently wrong with that - her blog, her call - and it's functional if you're just surfing off it. However, Cyn, you might consider that your blogroll also serves as advertising for the people on it, and listing their blog names is more likely to get them random surfer traffic than listing their real names. Just something to think about.

Finally, the post title font is the same size as the post text font. For asthetic purposes, you might consider making the title font a few points larger to give it a little more emphasis - more of a "headline" feel.

SCORE: 4.5

View From The Pew: 15
The Aggressive Progressive: 11
Cyn's Sim: 14.5

Posted by: Harvey at 04:26 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Beloved Wife asked me this, and it had me scratching my head.

Are there any black punters or kickers in the NFL?

Seems to me it's the exclusive purview of stubby little white boys.

Posted by: Harvey at 11:46 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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So says the rumor from Kevin at Wizbang, and - in the comments - people are stumbling all over themselves with enthusiasm.

Me, I never understood the attraction.

Of Grease
Of John
Of Olivia
Of 50's music.

And I remember the 80's - where this sequel might be set.

Worst decade ever. Bad music, bad hairstyles, bad clothing.

I'm already having nightmares about this movie.

Posted by: Harvey at 07:30 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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FUN FACTS ABOUT NEW YEARS

My latest guest post is up at IMAO.

Go. Be first.

Posted by: Harvey at 07:22 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Machelle of Quality Weenie got quoted extensively in USA Today.

Excuse me while I take a moment to smirk at the memory of her reluctance to start blogging.

[moment]

Ok, now go congratulate her.

By the way, my favorite part would be this:

She is frustrated by experts who say over-the-counter products provide as much pain relief.

"Every time I hear that, I want to go hit that person," [Machelle] says. "They have never been in the kind of pain I'm in. Taking aspirin is like popping M&Ms."

Posted by: Harvey at 12:10 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

Emptiness is filled with richness and reward
Promises are kept as into forever we voyage
What was once storm-tossed now is serene
Love shared awakens new beginnings
Forever doesn't seem long enough
Vows are made, yearnings are fulfilled
Passion and tenderness envelops us
We feel the warmth of souls united
Forever doesn't seem long enough

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

Posted by: Harvey at 11:21 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I've gotten into the Christmas spirit again.

Welllll... it's SORTA like the Christmas spirit, except slightly more evil and depraved.

By which I mean I've debased yet another fine Christmas carol in the extended entry - "Here Comes Santa Claus".

The pure of heart will probably want to pretend this one never happened.

Either way, here's a midi so you can sing along (courtesy of HamieNet.com)

(Oh, and good luck finding pictures for THIS one, Ogre) more...

Posted by: Harvey at 10:25 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 Holiday Season getting to you, Harv?

Posted by: Susie at December 24, 2004 06:54 AM (s+NPR)

2 Not the season, just the music. Somewhere around the 50th time I hear a song, alternative lyrics start suggesting themselves. It's a gift :-)

Posted by: Harvey at December 24, 2004 07:08 AM (ubhj8)

3 Uh...well... I've got the napalm and strafing covered...

Posted by: Ogre at December 24, 2004 07:58 AM (ltMXY)

4 I am so glad that I am at home on dial-up and it is impossible to download and actually listen to that stuff. *going and putting in another Christmas CD*

Posted by: Machelle at December 24, 2004 08:41 AM (FIdNW)

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Frank J. of IMAO is away on holiday hiatus.

Guest poster Harvey of Bad Example, is NOT.

Fun Facts About Love is now up.

Go. Be first.

Posted by: Harvey at 07:41 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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I've been reading Boots & Sabers for... well... damn near EVER. I have a lot of love & respect for Owen, and he's a daily read.

Well, he WAS.

All that's over now.

Some crimes are just TOO heinous to be forgiven.

After what he did to his wife Wendy...

My GOD Owen! Do your marriage vows mean NOTHING to you? Did you even THINK about what effect this might have on your CHILDREN?

Shameful. Simply shameful.

Don't know how he can look at himself in the mirror to shave in the morning.

Posted by: Harvey at 12:01 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

I PROMISE YOU
To be with you each night
watching it slip into each new day
the sun brings the promise
of my devotion in every way.

To watch the years
blend into years
being the keeper of your dreams
the conqueror of your fears.

To have you feel the passion
only hearts in love can feel
from this moment on
proving my love is real.

I will give my love freely
in everything we do
spending the rest of my lifetime
whispering words of love to you

No more broken hearts
or unhappy memories
never any fallen tears
where smiles should be...

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

Posted by: Harvey at 11:03 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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I've seen a couple of posts on the topic of evolution recently, both of which led to... enthusiastic... discussion in the comments of said posts.

Which leads me ask to the following question:

Has anyone actually READ Darwin's "On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection"?

I mean, it's available, unabridged, on the web for free, so cost can't be a factor.

The obvious stumbling block is that it's written in that prepositional-phrase-laden, nigh-impenetrable prose so common to 19th century authors, but it's certainly no more challenging than wading through the Bible.

I bogged down around Chapter 9, myself, but have good intentions about finishing it eventually, and carry an e-book version around on my PDA for which I paid a mere couple bucks or so.

What I *did* read was quite persuasive. Darwin supports his theory by examining mind-bogglingly huge stacks of observed natural phenomena. What I liked about it is that he cites examples from biologists who spent decades in their field of study. These aren't offhanded remarks from laymen, these are the condensed records from people who know whereof they speak.

Darwin does not (so far as I've read), postulate that evolution is the means by which life arose from non-life. He merely proposes evolution as the mechanism by which new species branch from a common ancestor. Speculation on the origin of life itself is not dealt with, nor do I wish to deal with it here.

All I'm saying is that those who wish to denigrate Darwin's theory should invest some time to learn exactly what it is they're dismissing.

Posted by: Harvey at 10:53 PM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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Blogdaughter Tammi of Road Warrior Survival has problems doing it right.

I can do it, but I don't enjoy it. Seems like a pointless waste of time, since it's just going to get shredded anyway.

However, I found a way to get around half of the misery.

I call it "Guy Wrapping".

Very simple. If you're giving a present to an adult male, just take a brown paper grocery bag, stuff the present inside, fold the top down, then go around it a couple times with duct tape.

Technically, it meets the definition of "gift wrapping", since there's a gift inside and the outer wrapper completely conceals the contents.

Guys will smile.

Women will roll their eyes.

A good time will be had by all.

Posted by: Harvey at 10:21 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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For those poor guys who've been burned by the fairer sex, this little video may offer some comfort.

(hat tip to Physics Geek)

Posted by: Harvey at 10:13 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Filthy Lie Assignment Reminder: How will Evil Glenn ring in the New Year?

Is due by 8pm CST Friday, December 31st (that's 9 days away). Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse. Meanwhile, the Fake Glenn Reynolds Quote Round-up will be posted this Friday, the 24th.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

Precision Guided Humor Round-up: Presents For The Troops

New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: Why is Al Franken in Iraq?

2 Filthy Lies

Posted by: Harvey at 09:55 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Didja ever notice that when some pop artist re-makes a classic Christmas song, they feel compelled to inject it with an inhuman degree of passion in order to "make it their own"? With absolutely zero regard for tradition, much less rhythm or melody?

I notice it 8 hours a day, as I've mentioned before.

Well, I say that if you're going to sound like an American Idol "into the pit of death with you" reject, you might as well give it your all.

As in this version of Oh, Holy Night.

The challenge being to make it through the whole thing with a straight face.

Before you ask, that's not me. It was passed along to me by one of my blogless (and non-annoying) co-workers.

It's technically safe for work, but you'll probably lose your Christmassy-spirited friends if you play it at any significant volume.

Posted by: Harvey at 09:37 PM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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1 That version brought tears to my eye. sniff...sniff.. wipes tear from lmao oh man.... sorry Lord. Thank God He has a sense of humor.

Posted by: Joshua at December 22, 2004 10:46 PM (IvQZU)

2 In the immortal words of Bill Walton: "That was horrrrrible!" Thanks. I think.

Posted by: Randy at December 23, 2004 01:52 AM (XwrIa)

3 Still beats the Beach Boys doing The Man With All The Toys :-P

Posted by: Harvey at December 23, 2004 09:34 AM (tJfh1)

4 At least the Beach Boys were original.

Posted by: GEBIV at December 23, 2004 03:24 PM (3D2az)

5 Except that they still had that horridly-harmonizing Beach Boys sound. Fingernails on a chalkboard to me.

Posted by: Harvey at December 23, 2004 06:20 PM (ubhj8)

6 2:00 plus minutes, I've finally lost it. Must be what I sounded like last week in the pew. Well, I'm at 3:00 and I must say that I'm definitely better than him. LOL You're going straight to hell for that one harv.

Posted by: TBFlowers at December 23, 2004 10:23 PM (6XIpi)

7 Okay... The high not at 2:13 drove me away. That was un effing listenable. And yes, it does have some resemblance to all the popstar remakes.

Posted by: Ted at December 24, 2004 09:26 AM (EZmj/)

8 The traditional spelling of high not is "high note".

Posted by: Ted at December 24, 2004 09:27 AM (EZmj/)

9 rofl i gave up 55 seconds into that warbling.

Posted by: fluke_boy at December 24, 2004 11:14 AM (oiUOy)

10 I only lasted 22 seconds before I could tell that you need a record contract. So I have something to boycott.

Posted by: Tyler at December 24, 2004 10:22 PM (C1iU8)

11 WOW, I made it to the end. When will your tryouts for American Idol be? Hopefully, this will not be another William Hung?! This is at least Ruben quality. /goes off to silence the echoes in my mind.

Posted by: Tyler at December 24, 2004 10:41 PM (C1iU8)

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(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

It's almost Christmas, and it's time to start thinking of all the lonely soldiers stuck in the sandbox for the holidays. I'm thinking some of the following items might cheer them up:

Non-goat-related porn

Toilet paper featuring Michael Moore's face.

Bottles of French wine - with the wine poured out and replaced with something less turpentiney

More armor. Maybe we could cut up one of John Kerry's SUV's

Sorry, one of his family's SUV's.

Nike Air Terr-O-Stomper brand combat boots.

Hardee's Monster Thickburger - hold the camel.

Desert camo foam dome.

Decorative brass balls for their Humvees.

A toilet that flushes with sand instead of water.

Reindeer horns for their tanks & APC's

12,000 Whos who will SING! SING! SING! SING! until the insurgents are driven quite thoroughly mad.

Oh, and of course, this little reminder of just what exactly they're fighting for:

(click to enlarge)

(hat tip to I Hate My Cubicle!!! for the pic)

Merry Christmas, boys.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

UPDATE: One serious gift for the troops, courtesy of Matty O'Blackfive:

Kevlar blankets.

Go find out how you can help give the gift of bullet-resistance.

If you're undecided, think of it this way:

If the soldier were here, you'd buy him a drink without thinking twice.

Take the drink money & buy him some Kevlar now, so you CAN buy him that drink later.

Posted by: Harvey at 07:24 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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