December 22, 2004
What I don't understand is this:
WickedWeasel.com is the #1 hit for the search "Wicked Weasel".
I'm somewhere in the 30-40 range.
The question being, then, why the HELL are people going 4 pages deep into Google to find MY page, when the MUCH more picturey Wicked Weasel home page is RIGHT AT THE TOP OF PAGE ONE?
Unless I'm the first page that will make it through their anti-pr0n work-firewalls?...
Posted by: Harvey at
04:15 PM
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If you are such an anyone, PLEASE tell her what you can.
Posted by: Harvey at
09:53 AM
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December 21, 2004
So... I'll bet you're wondering what the #3 Google Images hit for "wife" (without quotes) is (moderate safe search enabled), right?
I'll give you a hint.
Long hair, gray tank top, faded blue jeans.
And I'm married to her.
Some guys have all the luck.
"Some guys" being me.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
Posted by: Harvey at
06:21 PM
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)
[Lovely Wife's "reacting poorly"] doesn't mean jumping and screaming. It does however include elements of the "wake Jim up as soon as rodent evidence becomes apparent" and the "no killing the beastie" varieties.
Ok, ladies, explain the whole "don't kill it" thing. I'm at a loss.
The way I see it, yonder critter chose poorly by entering my domain and making a spectacle of himself so as to attract my attention. I feel a moral obligation to snuff this moron less he pass his stupidity on to further offspring.
I am the hand of Darwin. I am the chlorine in the gene pool.
Yet the ladies plea for mercy on behalf of such plague vectors.
I say NO! This critter has come into MY house, COMPLETELY uninvited, and is eating the stale breadcrumbs off MY floor, thus LITERALLY stealing food out of my vacuum cleaner's mouth.
I wil NOT countenance such assaults against the well-being of my household appliances.
"Eat of my crumbs, die 'cuz you're dumb", that's MY motto.
Posted by: Harvey at
06:15 PM
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I don't need a quiz to know who I am.
Although I'm required - by virtue of being born in Wisconsin - to hate Illinois and everything in it, I love Chicago with a deep and abiding passion.
I love big cities in general. There's just something awe-inspiring about being in a place where - for decades or even hundreds of years - men have looked at what nature had to offer, found it wanting, and built a world in the shape of their visions.
I have a weakness for the higher end of civilization - possibly from my Naval travels to some seriously run-down, third-world hell-holes - and I adore wallowing in the hyper-modernity of America's population centers.
San Francisco, for example, makes me positively GIDDY with civilization-love. That city is, from the ground up, PURE insanity. It's nothing but hills. And when you have hills, you build roads AROUND them. It's the only sensible thing to do.
The streets in San Francisco are - almost without exception - a grid of squares, the purity of their angles such as to make Pythagoras aroused from beyond the grave. Topology be damned. The roads shall be straight and true, as men desire. The hills over which they shall be laid are but the merest of obstacles to be overcome.
It's a sign of the same wonderful, audacious madness that made men believe they could walk on the moon.
That "because it can be done" madness that makes me glad to be an American.
Because here, that blessed madness is normal.
Posted by: Harvey at
05:52 PM
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December 20, 2004
Dreams are wishes... wants... desires
From the deepest corners of your heart.
But how do we fulfill our needs?
Where's the best place to start?
Is there an age that we must be?
Must a lesson have been learned?
Can just anyone fulfill their dreams?
Or must our dreams be earned?
If I could have my heart's desire,
It could easily come true.
To make mine a world of happiness,
All I'll ever want is you.
My dream is but a simple one,
Yet sometimes hard to acquire.
Just someone to give me sweet, sweet love
And fill my soul with fire.
But dreams can also show themselves,
And take you by surprise.
Consume your world with happiness,
Promising no goodbyes.
It suddenly appears
My dreams have come to life.
I'm living in my dream world
With you for all my life.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
Posted by: Harvey at
11:01 PM
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I was over at blogdaughter Sally's site, Whimsy Capricious, where she pointed out that Sir Peter Maxwell has denied being Glenn Reynolds.
Indeed.
Let's take a closer look at this "denial":
It has come to my attention that a group by the name of ‘Alliance Of Free Blogs’ have become somewhat interested in the Maxwellian philosophy and have written a few bizarre articles claiming that I am a chap called ‘Evil Glenn’. My infamy is spreading by the day and I must say that there seems to be an almost cult like worship starting to develop around me.
Please notice that AT NO POINT DOES HE ACTUALLY DENY BEING GLENN REYNOLDS!
In fact, this further confirms that they ARE the same person. Notice the seemingly innocent injection of this phrase:
cult like worship
Now, if you'll recall, the original Maxwell-Reynolds connection was drawn based on Maxwell's lust for hobo-murder:
If you accidentally kill a homeless person it does not matter, they are not legally recognised citizens and you are doing society a favour anyway.
Oddly, this doesn't mention the reason that Reynolds gives for murdering hobos:
"You're right; I can't worship Satan... until I first murder a hobo in his evil name!" Glenn Reynolds then laughed even more evilly.
However, "Maxwell" NOW mentions "worship"... mere coincidence, or a craftily embedded clue?
And in THIS thread from his forums, he mentions "pornography"
The peasants are not responsible enough to enjoy pornography, peasants should not get ideas about climbing the ladder of wealth.The Great Chain of Being prohibits this, and it is God's will.
True, he doesn't mention "penguins", but - as with the hobo post - he's probably separating the key words to maintain plausible deniability.
However, please note that both "peasants" and "penguins" begin with "pe" - a sly hint, perhaps?
You want more? I've got it.
This post on homosexuality... he uses the phrase:
prance and mince
Which are words that describe effeminate, dance-like motions... DANCING!
And what KIND of dancing does Evil Glenn do?:
He then started doing the robot dance[...]
This time, "Maxwell" doesn't even hesitate to give away the game:
...he was a mere robot following my orders...[emphasis added]
We've got you dead to rights, Reynolds/Maxwell. You might as well just come out and tell the world:
Sir Peter Maxwell IS Glenn Reynolds!
The. Mask. Is. Off.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
Posted by: Harvey at
09:39 PM
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Ogre of Ogre's Politics & Views took my R-rated version of "Holly Jolly Christmas" and put... um... "appropriate"... pictures of it into a flash video, complete with music. Not safe for work OR delicate sensibilities, but I still give it a 9.5 on the Drink Alert scale, even though it's somewhat out of sync.
Anyone got a suggestion for getting it back IN sync? (Please, no boy-band puns... I'm looking for honest geek advice here).
Posted by: Harvey at
08:47 PM
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Be sure to check the reviews so you don't miss such goodies as:
Pietro of Smarter Cop apparently only uses a diminutive, non-lead-filled nightstick for subduing serial misspellers, although he threatens to whip out "Big Jim" for a second offense.
Songstress7 of News From The Great Beyond mocks a contestant's small... um... creative ability... as it were.
and yes, once again folks, the importance of an "About Me" post can NOT be overstressed.
In other KotB news, this week's pair of pretenders has been selected.
Also, Nick has posted a 5-question interview with yours truly. Go forth, and be amused.
Don't forget you can actually gamble on the KotB tourney and win a free blog-ad at Patriot Paradox. See the top of the KotB page for details.
I'm trying to talk Nick into having the losers of the Pick 'Em drawn & quartered, but he's currently being pretty mule-headed about the whole thing. Maybe you should play while it's still safe.
Posted by: Harvey at
08:39 PM
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Help an Alliance Member find a fake Glenn Reynolds quote. Win (dubiously) valuable prizes!
Posted by: Harvey at
08:10 PM
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December 19, 2004
O happy hours when I may once more encircle within these arms the dearest object of my love - when I shall again feel the pressure of that "aching head" which will delight to recline upon my bosom, when I may again press to my heart which palpitates with the purest affection that loved one who has so long shared its undivided attention.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
Posted by: Harvey at
11:01 PM
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... I can always check the satellite map.
[hat tip to Gerard of American Digest]
Posted by: Harvey at
09:54 PM
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Take me for example, I have "Large Mammal" status. That's pretty far up the food chain. Makes it appear that if I'm not a big dog, at least I'm not a toy poodle either.I get a whopping 75-100 hits a day. Less lately now that I've been in Depress-O-Angst mode about my job and other shit.
Blog Daughter Boudicca gets that or more, and in spurts gets 200+ hits a day, and she's stuck at Marauding Marsupial level. I see her surpassing my hits count before summer (I'm a proud papa! heheh).I think she deserves a higher ranking than me.
If I wasn't crosslinked to so many people because of belonging to The Alliance of Free Blogs, and Blogs for Bush, we'd be swapping pouch grooming tips. If they had three or four more large blogging groups for me to join, I could probably end up somewhere near Higher Being status without getting more than half my hits from personal friends. (NOT why I joined either the Alliance or Blogs for Bush, by the way)
There's a temptation to say that "those links don't count" somehow. But in a way, they do. They show that you're at least participating out in the larger blogosphere, and not just typing at yourself. It means that, at some point, you made yourself worthy of that link, even if it's not currently driving traffic.
If nothing else, consider it as sort of a reward for seniority. You've been blogging for a long time, so the links accumulate.
Or you can think of it THIS way - yeah, you suck, but not so bad that you're being DE-linked.
Those old links are like battle-scars or tattoos. No, they're not fresh & bleeding anymore, but at one time they WERE.
You've EARNED them. Wear them proudly.
Posted by: Harvey at
09:12 PM
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December 18, 2004
Upon accusing me of a minor crime based on misinterpreted circumstancial evidence and then finding out I was innocent, Beloved Wife backpedalled with the following statement:
"Two plus two equals four, they were just the wrong twos"
Posted by: Harvey at
07:32 PM
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The Beauty that beholds me when I look upon you,
is like a tidal wave crashing down upon me,
both mesmerizing and stunning.
Warm and enveloping it is,
it brings ecstasy to know that it is mine.
How I wish to hold it,
to hold you, forever.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
Posted by: Harvey at
07:30 PM
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Well, it seems that everybody's favorite chubby, squinty-eyed, folk-singer/snowman, Burl Ives, belted out one too many verses of "Holly Jolly Christmas" and the tenuous thread by which my sanity was hanging snapped like a beatnick's fingers.
Consequently, I was inspired to turn this cheerful little holiday ditty into something dark and twisted. I've placed it in the extended entry to protect those less Grinched-out than myself.
Here's a midi file if you want to sing along. Ignore the 5 second intro and quit after about 51 seconds, unless you want to repeat some verses. more...
Posted by: Harvey at
07:19 PM
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A long time ago in a faraway blogkingdom, Princess Machelle of Quality Weenie, blogdaughter of King Harvey of Castle Example, was having some template-decorating issues and cried for help.
"HELP! HELP!", she cried.
Along came a brave Ogre in shining armor (hmmm... sorta like Shrek) to help Machelle.
"HELP! HELP!", she cried.
"Pipe down, lady!", said Ogre, "I'm workin' on it!"
And work on it he did, cranking out line after line of helpful code.
But the evil Haloscan dragon kept interpreting the code so that nothing would show up in the comments.
"RARRRR!" roared Haloscan.
"HELP! HELP!", cried Machelle.
"WTF?", growled Ogre.
Finally, the gallant Ogre used the pointy and magical caret key to slay the evil Haloscan dragon.
"Yippie-ki-yay, mother-f***er!" shouted Ogre triumphantly.
"ERK! ACK! *whump!*", said Haloscan, falling over, dead and defeated at last.
"YAY!", cried Machelle, "My hero!"
When news of the Ogre's brave, unselfish deed reached Castle Example, the King rubbed his beard thoughtfully. "Pretty good work for a smelly green swamp-dweller. I will give him my beloved blogdaughter's hand in marriage as a reward."
However, after discussing matters with the shotgun that Machelle's husband had aimed at his testicles, the King decided that blogrolling Ogre would be sufficient.
And they all lived happily ever after.
Posted by: Harvey at
06:57 PM
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And this is me telling two of them they're more full of crap than Michael Moore is full of Twinkies.
If you were to become king over another planet what 3 laws would you pass, what ridiculous thing would you make your subjects do to humor you, and what would your title be?
Steve of I Hate My Cubicle!!!
GOOD POINTS: Manages to legitimately work an obscenity into his answer, thus confounding Nick's request for wholesomeness. A good monarch knows how to thumb his nose at those claiming some right of "authority". Fight the power!
BAD POINTS: When asked for 3 laws, gives 6. Maybe Steve should be applying for a position with the Federal Government.
SCORE: 3
Owen of Illogicology
GOOD POINTS: Has two typos in his post. A good monarch knows when to break with trite conventions, and as King, a word is spelled the way you DECREE that it's spelled, and Mme. Guillotine awaits non-conformists. Also, bonus for mocking AOL.
BAD POINTS: Makes known his passion for Star Trek TOS, yet COMPLETELY blows the chance to use the line: "A question... Since before your sun burned hot in space, and before your race was born, I have awaited a question." Damned slipshod of you, your Royal Sarcasticness.
SCORE: 3.5
Warren of View From The Pew
GOOD POINTS: Weaves all three answers seamlessly into a single coherant post, thus avoiding the drab drollery of step-by-step listing. Bonus for providing explanatory linkage on the more obscure terms like "Brockian Ultra-Cricket".
BAD POINTS: AAAAAAH! Hacker-speak! "j00 R0><0r5" *shudder*
SCORE: 5
I Hate My Cubicle!!!
GOOD POINTS: Truly makes the reader feel his pain as he recounts a recent customer service disaster with Fry's Electronics.
BAD POINTS: Language, Mister! There's a PG-13 requirement on submitted posts. Although colorful metaphors don't bother this old sailor personally, you have to THINK OF THE CHILDRENTM
SCORE: 3
Illogicology
GOOD POINTS: Continues blithely on with typo theme while making me hungry with his delicious bagel recipe. Owen should consider submitting this to the Carnival of the Recipes, if for no other reason than yonder round-up could use a little comic relief.
BAD POINTS: Fails to explain the difference between a bread knife and a butter knife for uncouth slobs like myself who think that a spoon handle makes a servicable substitute for either.
SCORE: 3.5
View From The Pew
GOOD POINTS: Makes a credible analogy between theology and software. Even being religiously "none-of-the-above" as I am, I found the piece intriguing.
BAD POINTS: Those "patches" he mentioned would've been more understandable to me if he'd given links to examples. I had no idea if he was referring to actual creeds, or just groin-kicking straw men. Also, he plagiarizes Owen's "typo" schtick with this line: "Go is waiting for YOU to act..." without crediting his source. BAD Owen!
SCORE: 4.5
Here are some technical things I like to see on a blog:
King of the Blogs javascript thingy in the sidebar
Comments enabled
Permalinks working
E-mail contact info available
Blogger's name/pseudonym prominently displayed
Site search feature enabled
Link to an "About Me" post on the sidebar
Blogger's gender is easily discernable
Blogroll
Readable font style & size
Readable color scheme (for example, NOT bright red type on bright green
background)
Divisions between posts clearly marked
Paragraphing in entries (NOT just writing one fat block of text)
Aside from the tech stuff, I also like to see a blogger's personality shining through, to
remind us of the person behind the words.
With that in mind...
I Hate My Cubicle!!!
No KotB javascript thingy. That's BAD. Come on Steve... you're Paris Hiltoning yourself out to every blog-pimping organization known to man, yet you won't give this contest a little back-alley quickie in your sidebar? I feel snubbed, so I'm snubbing back on the score, which by rights should be 0.
However, I *do* enjoy the fact that Steve has a "work-safe" version of his blog available. That's a right handy feature, so I'm giving a consolation point. Don't get me wrong Steve, it's a great site, and I'm blogrolling it because I like scantily-clad women, but you're just not a good fit for KotB.
SCORE: 1
Illogicology
Very welcoming. Owen's got his picture and profile right up near the top of the sidebar. A more detailed "About Me" post would be a nice touch, but I won't ding him for that.
Owen's big problem is the complete lack of a blogroll. Indeed, a complete lack of linkage in any post. Seems the young man has problems with html and needs to Google up a basic tutorial somewhere.
Meanwhile, Owen, look in your template for this line:
!-- Begin #sidebar --
and post links to your favorite blogs under it like this (substitute < and > for [ and ]):
[A HREF="http://badexample.mu.nu/"]Bad Example[/A]
Now, even though Owen's blog isn't particularly attractive or fancy, I give him personality points for a couple things...
First, he spent some extra time blogging about KotB (here and here, for example) and the display of enthusiasm is wonderful.
Second, he's capable of some stunning writing - like this poem.
I don't think he's quite ready to grab the KotB crown yet, but I see a LOT of potential in this young blogger. After he learns a bit of code & spruces things up a bit, I'd like to see him try again, assuming he doesn't win this time.
Two parting gifts for Owen:
1 - Haloscan will auto-install their far-better-than-native-Blogger comments AND trackback features, as I explain here.
2 - Some tips on getting more attention to your blog, which I think you deserve.
SCORE: 3
View From The Pew
The Bible-search feature is pretty spiffy, and more or less makes up for the lack of an "About Me" post. Warren should really consider one so his readers can get to know him a little better. He seems worth knowing. Outside of that, the only real complaint I have is that the permalink at the bottom of each post is a little too close to the title of the next post. He might consider either adding some white space under the permalink link, or perhaps slipping in a horizontal line to make the division clearer.
I'd also recommend putting the comment & trackback links at the BOTTOM of each post, because that's where your reader is going to be when he finishes the entry, so you want to have those links ON THE SCREEN when he's ready to talk back to you. More convenience equals more comments.
SCORE: 4.5
I Hate My Cubicle!!!: 7
Illogicology: 10
View From The Pew: 14
Posted by: Harvey at
03:18 PM
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... I just mixed up a batch of Chocotinis for the Wife... she's in the den watching Bonfire of the Vanities...
...and you stop dead in your tracks for a few seconds while trying to imagine why Eric used the word "watching" to describe reading a collection of the worst posts in the blogosphere.
Yup. That's the first sign.
Any others?
Posted by: Harvey at
06:55 AM
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They visit blogson Jeff of Au Fait (which may explain why his site is loading so VERY slowly) and try to get themselves one of them there web site thingies:
Client: I want a website.
Me: Cool! I can do that! What would you like?
Client: Oh, you know, a website.
Me: Uh, OK, any particular color?
Client: Something pleasant, but not too pleasant.
Me: Right. So will you be needing any database services?
Client: Oh, no! Just a page or two. No database stuff.
Me: Is it a blog? A photo album you want for family? A business? What is it?
Client: A website! I thought you were one of those pros!
Me: OK, send me some stuff by email, and I'll try to get started.
Client: Should I send the stuff about my mailing list?
Me: Mailing list? We'll have to create a database for that.
Client: Didn't I just finish saying I don't want any databases?
Me: Uhhh...
Where do they go after that?
Why don't YOU tell me in the comments.
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06:47 AM
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