This post by niece/blogdaughter Sarah of That's Not Very Nice! (who is FINALLY blogging again) will, no doubt, inspire a new Fox TV quiz show called "Are You Smarter Than Your Grandmother?"

Posted by: Harvey at 06:58 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Pleasure yourself using Twitter via cutting edge teledildonics technology.

What does it say about me that I was familiar with the term "teledildonics" before blogdaughter Michele of Letters From New York City sent me this link?

Posted by: Harvey at 06:54 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Scott of Dangerously Irrelevant has come up with an idea for publicly recognizing excellent commenters - awarding them the Fantastic Commenter badge:

Of course, you can always just do what *I* do and make blogkids out of them, but that's a personal decision you'll have to make for yourself.

Posted by: Harvey at 06:44 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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(cross-posted from IMAO)

By now you're probably familiar with the lolcats phenomenon, where pictures of cats are captioned with a something best described as a cross between l33t-speak and Engrish.

Or perhaps you've seen the spinoffs: lolbird, loldog, and/or lolhamster.

Well, it just seems wrong to me to be making fun of innocent animals like that.

So I'll be making fun of guilty animals, i.e. terrorists.

Or terizts, as it were:

Posted by: Harvey at 06:30 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 87 words, total size 2 kb.

By XKCD today.

Probably because I know so many people like the second speaker.

And in a similar vein, today's User Friendly.

(Go ahead & click the links. Work safe and less than a 30-second read.)

Posted by: Harvey at 06:22 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 42 words, total size 1 kb.

Gerard of American Digest points to SurfaceStations.org, which is surveying weather stations around the country, checking for irregularities.

Such as how having an air conditioner exhaust next to a thermometer might skew temperature readings so that people will look at them and shriek "GLOBAL WARMING!".

And how sensibly situated instruments don't have this problem.

And no, global climate models don't take this into account.

Interesting.

Posted by: Harvey at 06:19 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

I've tried counting how many times you've made me happy, but I gave up, since the number increases faster than I can count.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

Posted by: Harvey at 05:55 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

[new bill - not previously posted]

(click to enlarge)

["Suck my balls" and drawing of spurting member]

Official White House Tour souvenir, circa 1996.

Posted by: Harvey at 05:54 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 17 words, total size 1 kb.

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)
more...

Posted by: Harvey at 05:38 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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Fauxmercial for Powerthirst energy drink - keep the kiddies out of earshot:

South Park Mac vs. PC - we'll call this one PG13

Posted by: Harvey at 09:51 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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(a weekly round-up of the daily posts from IMAO)

* If John Edwards went to prison, even Fred Thompson wouldn't be powerful enough to quell the riots over who would get to be his bunkmate.

* When John Edwards's copy of Windows crashes, it displays a "Blue Screen of Hurt Feelings".

* Make up was invented in order to give women a fighting chance to defeat John Edwards in a beauty pageant.

* A recent survey of bunnies show that most of them own a pair of John Edwards slippers.

* If you play the song "I Feel Pretty" backwards and listen carefully, you can hear the sound of John Edwards preening.

Posted by: Harvey at 06:00 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 120 words, total size 1 kb.

(Introduction)

You ask if I'm certain that I love you. I answer that the certainty of tomorrow's sunrise is a lottery ticket's gamble by comparison.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

Posted by: Harvey at 05:56 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

[new bill - not previously posted]

(click to enlarge)

[(rubber stamps: CURRENCY TRACKING STUDY LOG THIS BILL AT WWW.WHERESGEORGE.COM and cartoon pig)]

And after I finish entering it at wheresgeorge, I'm donating it to CAIR.

Posted by: Harvey at 05:54 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 23 words, total size 1 kb.

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)
more...

Posted by: Harvey at 05:43 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 96 words, total size 1 kb.

(cross-posted from IMAO)

New York Magazine recently ran a feature article discussing scientific research on the subtle characteristics that may indicate homosexuality. They listed things such as having a counter-clockwise hair whorl, having a high density of ridges in your fingerprint pattern, and having an index finger longer than your ring finger.

Intriguing stuff, to be sure.

Recently I received a government grant to do my own scientific research on the hidden clues that reveal "lifestyle choice". From that research, I offer the following list of signs that you might be gay:

* If you look at your hand and notice that there's another man's hand in it.

* If it takes you more than three seconds to say the word "fabulous".

* If you have anything in your closet that you refer to as an "outfit".

* With the exception of "orange", if you've ever used a noun (for example, "eggshell") as a color name.

* If you are offended at the suggestion that the word "manicure" is ironic.

* If, when you use the phrase "don't ask, don't tell" to your friends, it's more often as a warning than a punchline.

* If you dance better backwards than forwards.

* If someone mentions Judy Garland and you think of ANYTHING besides "The Wizard of Oz".

* If you've marched in a parade wearing a skirt and it wasn't March 17th.

* If you've ever had sex with a man except for that one time in Tijuana when you were REALLY drunk, and even though you don't remember the incident, your friends all swear it's true, but they're probably lying.

* If you're familiar with the flavor of sweaty chest hair.

* If you LIKE the flavor of sweaty chest hair.

* If you've applied color to your face and you weren't on your way to a football game.

* If you own pink underwear that's the result of a deliberate purchase and NOT a tragic laundering accident.

Posted by: Harvey at 07:53 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 368 words, total size 2 kb.

(Introduction)

I've been told that with faith, all things are possible, but there is not enough faith in the world for there to possibly be a man who loves you as much as I.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

Posted by: Harvey at 07:50 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 52 words, total size 1 kb.

(Introduction)

[new bill - not previously posted]

(click to enlarge)

[D-Block Bitch]

Isn't that cute? Paris already has a nickname.

Posted by: Harvey at 07:49 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 18 words, total size 1 kb.

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)
more...

Posted by: Harvey at 07:29 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 96 words, total size 1 kb.

[Hat tip: Leslie of Leslie's Omnibus]

Posted by: Harvey at 12:00 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 6 words, total size 1 kb.

Gabe & Max from HuffPo try to make fun of the "gay bomb" thing, but outside of "scoliosis toast", I think their whole bit was just off. Here's why:

Problem 1: Overusing the "invisible" reference - While a "running gag" is a time-honored comedic technique, it really only works when you have enough material between uses for your audience to forget about the gag. That way, when you hit the reference again, they go "Ha! I remember that!" instead of "Oh... THAT again". Using it four times in a ten item list is sleep-inducing, at best.

Problem 2: Brevity! - Unless you're in a permalink contest, the key to list humor is brevity, or at least economy of phrasing. Adding endless qualifying phrases is ok ONCE, as a change-up. Using the technique six times in a ten item list bogs down the pace and muddles the timing. It ends up reading like a third-grader's "What I Did On My Summer Vacation" essay.

Problem 3: Brevity! Brevity! Brevity! - Rather than resorting to the amateurish technique of explaining how the weapons work, try thinking like a professional. Use the NAME of the weapon to tell the joke.

Problem 4: END the piece - Don't just let your list peter out and then call it a day. Tack on a little bonus joke at the end to wrap it up in style.

Here's how a REAL web humorist does it:

* Lambada bullets

* Michael Moore super-weight-gainer bomb

* Hippie smell missile

* Ron Paul loony laser

* Can't get the chorus from "Hey, Jude" out of my head grenades

* Restless Leg Syndrome rockets

* Satellite-based wedgie weapon

* French courage gas

* Special Olympics mines

* Portable pit o' ravenous Rosies

* Paris Hilton work ethic ray

* Not-so-fresh feeling cluster bombs

And the most effective hi-tech terrorist-stopper of all:

(see extended entry)
more...

Posted by: Harvey at 11:53 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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