Things You Didn't Know About Jesse MacBeth

(A Precision Guided Humor Assigment cross-posted from IMAO)

In order to make America look bad, Iraq Veterans Against the War hooked up with compulsive liar Jesse MacBeth, who made up wild stories of his adventures in toddler-slaughtering while he served in Iraq.

Only problem being that he didn't actually DO any toddler-slaughtering.

Because he wasn't in Iraq.

Or even enlisted in the US Armed Forces.

Ever.

However, one small fib (ok, THREE) shouldn't make you doubt Jesse's character. I'm sure that - thirty years from now - CBS will find memos that confirm his story, as well as some of the other claims he made during his startling video interview:

---

* While working for Hitler, he invented the Jewsy-Bake Oven.

* Personally light-sabered the entire village of Tusken Raiders who killed his mom.

* Told Natalie Maines what to say through a hidden earpiece during the Dixie Chicks infamous London concert.

* Worked as a boy-toy delivery driver for Michael Jackson.

* Spent days chumming the waters off Amity Beach right before tourist season.

* Manufactured O-rings for NASA.

* Programming code writer for the HAL 9000 computer.

* ...AND those twitchy A/2 series androids.

* Planned the Imperial defense of Endor's moon against the Ewoks.

* Stalked the streets of London as "Jesse the Ripper"

* While head elf for Santa, he would randomly remove kids' names from the "nice" list.

* "New Coke"

* Converted "Who Let the Dogs Out?" into a ringtone.

* Drove a tank at Tiananmen Square.

* Invented telemarketing.

* Was the first person to say to a Palestinian, "Ya know, if you pushed the Jews into the sea, you'd finally have your own homeland."

* Wrote "The Communist Manifesto".

* Killed the scientist who invented the 200 mpg carburetor.

* Designed the unpronouncable symbol by which Prince was known for 7 years.

* "Jar-Jar"

---

Despite that last one, I heard that Imperial Veterans Against Star Wars is STILL continuing to support him.

Posted by: Harvey at 08:18 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 343 words, total size 2 kb.