July 27, 2006
In a cost saving move, the New York Times will soon be printed on smaller sheets of newspaper, and will cut over 1000 jobs.
Apparently blabbing the details of secret anti-terrorism programs isn't the money-maker they thought it would be.
And this is only the beginning of the exciting changes at the Gray Harlot. A number of other cost-saving and revenue-enhancing moves are in the works:
* Switching to discount brand "Gee, Your Whiz Smells Terrific!" urinal cakes.
* Eliminating wasteful i-dotting and t-crossing.
* Dumping over-paid reporters and getting news from know-it-all cab drivers.
* Instituting firm "no seconds" policy when hosting DNC fundraising dinners.
* Siphoning ink from New York Post printing presses.
* Hiring street-corner squeegee bums to clean the Times Building's windows, and cutting their harness ropes just as they finish the top floor.
* Switching reporters to a flat salary instead of the current pay-per-lie arrangement.
* Refinancing mortgage on the Times Building and paying off those high-interest Mob loans.
* Switching from regular printer's ink to much darker Hudson River water.
* Explaining to their paperboys that, for a mere $20 a week, they'll "make sure nuthin' bad happens to that nice little bike you're ridin'... which would be a shame".
* Using regular newsprint instead of that fancy, quilted kind.
* Stopping unrealistic "news stories unchallenged by bloggers for 30 minutes, or it's free!" ad campaign.
* Firing their fact-checkers. They just sit on the computer playing solitaire all day, anyhow.
* Cease using William Hung songs as subscription order line hold music.
* Waiting until Democratic candidate bribe checks actually clear the bank before giving endorsements.
* Replacing boring news stories with hilarious "Fun Facts About the 50 States" pieces.
* Which would also increase the paper's overall accuracy quotient.
* Saving on expensive photographer's fees by replacing pictures of President Bush with royalty-free chimpanzee clip-art.
* Replacing ink-wasting word "insurgents" with shorter "dudes".
* Three words - Arthur Andersen Accounting.
With these changes in place, the paper should be back on its feet, in the gutters, and raking muck in no time.
Posted by: Harvey at
09:40 AM
| Comments (1)
| Add Comment
Post contains 369 words, total size 3 kb.
71 queries taking 0.1057 seconds, 192 records returned.
Powered by Minx 1.1.6c-pink.
