Jim of Parkway Rest Stop had some issues with an old lady and her checkbook in the checkout line.

As always, the wisdom of the Simpsons prevails:

Apu: Mrs. Simpson, the express line is the fastest line not always. That old man up front, he is starved for attention. He will talk the cashier's head off.

Abe: Ah, there's an interesting story behind this nickel. In 1957, I remember it was, I got up in the morning and made myself a piece of toast. I set the toaster to three -- medium brown.

Apu: Let's go to... that line.

Marge: But that's the longest.

Apu: Yes, but look: all pathetic single men. Only cash, no chitchat.

On another note, I've found that - at least at my local Wal-Mart - the checkout lane closest to the exit is usually shortest.

Why?

Because the racks of impulse items obscure your vision so that you can't easily tell if anyone's in line in a given lane. So most people will get into a relatively short line near the side that's closest to the middle of the store, rather than walk past all the lanes to see if there's a shorter one, because if they're wrong, then they'll have to go back, by which time their semi-short line may be longer.

Anyway, that point aside, the most important thing to remember is to NOT get behind people with checkbooks, because none of them know how to fill out a check correctly, or with any due speed, and they probably left their ID at home.

The second most important thing: don't get in line behind people with purses, because they may contain checkbooks.

The third most important thing is - again - don't get in line behind people with purses, because they have loose change at the bottom, and EVERY woman will spend a couple minutes rooting around in her purse looking for the exact coins to pay her total to the penny. Because, you see, she doesn't want to "bother" the clerk by making her break a dollar, even though the clerk has an entire drawer FULL of change expressly for that purpose.

Meanwhile, guys just hand the clerk a $20 and stuff the cash in their pocket without counting it.

So get in the line with the most guys.

Unless they have purses.

UPDATE: If you're a woman to whom the above does NOT apply, please wear a sign that says "I know how to use a checkbook" so that I know that it's safe to stand behind you in the checkout lane.

Posted by: Harvey at 06:17 AM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
Post contains 441 words, total size 3 kb.

1 Um, Harv.... I use a checkbook. I am female. I carry a purse. BUT- I *always* have my check made out ahead of time, with the exception of the amount, of course. I *never* carry cash, or change (cuts back on the teenagers, "mom, do you have any.."etc.) My *purse* has a 'easy to get to' snap enclosure at the bottom/outside of it strictly for my checkbook/wallet. No fumbling. On the *rare* occasion I do not have the checkbook with me...I use my trusty friend, VISA- credit- no pin- quick to use. So...Nyah! :-P Foiled YOUR theory! (ducking and looking for the East River...)

Posted by: Rave at June 06, 2006 06:35 AM (Fir0Z)

2 Rave - Here's your sign :-)

Posted by: Harvey at June 06, 2006 06:43 AM (L7a63)

3 Ah, the awesomeness of the debit card! Take the money right out of my bank account please and nevermind that the ATM is the tool of the devil.

Posted by: shimauma at June 06, 2006 06:47 AM (oH+XM)

4 Thanks, pappy. I feel vindicated. When can I expect my sign to arrive?

Posted by: Rave at June 06, 2006 06:48 AM (Fir0Z)

5 me, I use the lawn and garden area. Almost always a free cashier there. Plus it's closest to sporting goods.

Posted by: og at June 06, 2006 08:09 AM (PVGJn)

6 It's relatively simple. Just find the line I am in, and get behind me. I am the one in the slowest lane. Always. Guaranteed.

Posted by: Miriam at June 06, 2006 08:53 AM (THveJ)

7 Og - Good point. A lot of stores have hidden checkouts like that.

Posted by: Harvey at June 06, 2006 09:18 AM (L7a63)

8 I always use a credit card, with the systems nowadays you can put your card in while stuff is being rung up and sign so when the cashier is done all they do is hand you your receipt. Faster than people with cash.

Posted by: Quality Weenie at June 06, 2006 10:32 AM (XG7jZ)

9 Credit card here too. No check books for me unless I'm paying bills. My purse has enough crap in it... crayons and stuff to keep kids entertained.

Posted by: Bou at June 06, 2006 11:18 AM (iHxT3)

10 I cheat. I use the self checkout lane Because no one else wants to deal with the damn things but I helped install them so there's not much the machine can do to me that I can't kick out of it till it works.

Posted by: BloodSpite at June 06, 2006 12:16 PM (ZTGJT)

11 What are these things you people are talking about? "Checkbooks? Cash?" I seem to remember hearing those words from my youth, but I cannot place them...

Posted by: Ogre at June 07, 2006 08:41 AM (/k+l4)

12 A solution I've resorted to myself on occasion :-)

Posted by: Harvey at June 08, 2006 06:57 AM (L7a63)

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