May 22, 2006
Since I firmly believe in watching the watchers, I've bugged the NSA office and overheard the following conversation between agents Jack Boot and Eve Drop regarding their efforts to analyze phone records from the major telecom companies:
JACK: This is ridiculous! I can't believe they actually expect us to sort through ten billion phone records! How are we supposed to find any patterns in this mess?
EVE: Unwad your panties, Jack, it's SIMPLE. All ya gotta do is just twist the data to fit your agenda and you can prove that ANYONE is evil.
JACK: Sorta like how the Democratic Underground trolls keep "proving" that Bush is Hitler?
EVE: Exactly... Here, let me pick a name at random and show you how it's done... AH! This Glenn Reynolds fellow will do...
JACK: Instapundit? But he's a right-wing warmonger! He doesn't fit the profile!
EVE: Look, strip-club-visiting muslims don't fit the profile either - except for the 9/11 hijackers! Ya gotta be willing to follow the evidence wherever it leads, even if you have to drag it kicking & screaming to get it there. Now, let's look at his phone records.
JACK: Here's a call to a "Mrs. Reynolds" in another city. Probably his mother.
EVE: AHA! Obviously calling to tell her goodbye before his terrorist suicide mission!
JACK: It was on Mother's Day. EVERYONE called their mother on Mother's Day... except NSA agents who had their mothers killed [gives Eve an accusatory glance]
EVE: She knew too much!... Anyway, that Reynolds is a crafty devil, timing his call like that so that we wouldn't be suspicious! Which is the most suspicious thing you can do.
JACK: Not as suspicious at THIS group of calls... must be a hundred of 'em to someone named HP. Who the heck is HP?
EVE: GOTTA be Hezbollah of Palestine! No other organization has those initials!
JACK: What about Hamas of Palestine?
EVE: That cagey BASTARD! Trying to throw us a curve with a dual-use acronym!
JACK: Either way, he's got terrorist connections. Now all we have to do is figure out where he plans to strike & how.
EVE: Hmmm... a call to Black & Decker... coffee maker division...
JACK: Of COURSE! He's going to use the timer from the coffee maker as a bomb trigger! It's the ONLY explanation! EVERYONE knows that obscenely rich best-selling authors normally only drink Starbucks coffee that's been hand-delivered by illegal Mexicans!
EVE: You mean Canadians - there are some jobs that are so demeaning that even Mexicans won't do them.
BOB McKENZIE: Here's yer coffee, eh? That'll be, like, 5 beers?
EVE: Here's a six-pack and a toque. Keep the change.
BOB McKENZIE: Beauty! I'm gonna take off, eh?
EVE: Yeah, get outta here, freak...Anyway, Jack, we know HOW he'll strike, but that information is useless unless we know the target...
JACK: Wait... I see a pattern here... he's called the Memphis Canine Rescue Shelter every day for the last... well... since the telephone was invented.
EVE: That MONSTER! Targeting innocent puppies! What sort of deranged freak would want to explode puppies into a thick - almost drinkable - liquid?
JACK: Who cares? All that matters is that we now have undeniable proof of his insidious plot! The evidence is rock solid! This one's a slam...
[phone rings]
EVE: NSA Civilian Entrapment Project. Eve Drop speaking... uh huh... uh huh... oh... oh, I see... thank you...
[hangs up]
JACK: ...DUNK! He's going down like a Kennedy driving an Oldsmobile into a lake!
EVE: Bad news. That was the Director. Seems that this phone number database we've been using is phony. BellSouth, AT&T, Verizon... they ALL deny giving us any information. Seems that only telecom that provided us with anything was Bell Alliance. We've been had.
JACK: DAMN! Now Reynolds is going to get away scott free! Just like a Kennedy driving an Oldsmobile into a lake!
EVE: Calm down, Jack... sooner or later, he'll make another mistake. We'll nail him eventually...
JACK: So... wanna hack into John Murtha's credit record and put in some unpaid escort service bills?
EVE: Jack, I *love* the way you think...
Looks like the Puppy Blender has once again eluded the long arm of the law... but the Alliance will be watching you, Reynolds.
Posted by: Harvey at
09:21 AM
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