(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

At a recent White House press conference...

SCOTT MCCLELLAN: Good afternoon. Although I'm usually the one who has to handle questions from you journalistic jackals, President Bush has informed me that I'm not being aggressive enough with my responses, and he'll be handling the briefing today... Mr. President?

W: And you're too damn fat, too. Now, in order to encourage more respectful questions, I'll be instituting a program of rewards and punishments as a way of giving you feedback on your level of professionalism. Ok, who wants to go first?

ABC: Why is murdering journalists the official policy of the US Armed Forces?

W: I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Could you please step a little closer to the podium?

ABC: Sure... How's that?

W: Perfect... [presses button opening trap door]

ABC: EEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

W: Since that pit has no bottom that I'm aware of, I should just go ahead & take the next question...

CBS: As CBS proved last year, you went AWOL from the National Guard. When will you be surrendering yourself for prosecution by a military tribunal?

W: Now THAT was a fair and balanced question. Here... have this cookie as your reward...

CBS: Tofu! My favorite! [munch, munch]

W: Now... you can either have the answer to your question or the antidote to the poison in the cookie.

CBS: I... [THUD!]

W: Hmmm... that recipe needs some fine-tuning... NEXT!

NBC: NAZI! Why don't you just grow a postage-stamp moustache and goose-step around the Oval Office?

W: Does the phrase "dodged a bullet" mean anything to you? [BLAM! BLAM!... THUD!]... guess not... Next question.

CNN: Could you please give us details on how you let Iraq turn into such a quagmire, and also, when ARE you going to grow that moustache, Hitler?

W: Good question. The answer is, the venom of a black mamba can kill a human being in four hours if, say, bitten on the ankle or the thumb, However, a bite to the face or torso can bring death from paralysis within 20 minutes.

CNN: I don't understand how that relates to...

W: You will... [pulls rope releasing a shower of black mambas from the ceiling]

CNN: AAH! AAH! OH GOD! MY FACE! AAAAAAAH!

W: Anyway, let me check with my research team and I'll get back to your question in about 20 minutes... NEXT!

MSNBC: Do you have an exit strategy for ending the unilateral occupation of Iraq that you're only doing to steal oil because you lied about WMD as proven by the Downing Street Memo?

W: Well, as Rummy explained some time ago, it's more of a victory strategy than an exit strategy. The key to it is that we're adopting Zell Miller's "spitball" techniques. Let me show you... *spitooie!*

MSNBC: OW! MY EYE! I'M BLIND!

W: No, you're only half-blind... *spitooie!*

MSNBC: OW! MY OTHER EYE!

W: NOW you're blind... NEXT!

REUTERS: How do you sleep at night knowing that the blood of millions of innocent Iraqi civilians is on your hands?

W: Well, I find that being mauled by pit bulls is quite conducive to relaxation... See for yourself... [whispering to Scott] release the hounds...

[*barking, chewing, screaming*]

W: Can we get a mop in here?... Now, who's next?

[silence]

W: I guess that wraps this thing up... still plenty of cookies left if you guys are hungry.

ALL REPORTERS: YAY! FREE FOOD!

W [to Scott, as they leave the room together]: Lord help them, they're just not. That. Bright.

SCOTT: They did major in journalism...

W: Touché

SCOTT: We're gonna need some help removing all these bodies...

W: Yeah... maybe we can get that guy who handled all of the Clintons' corpse-related issues. You know... that Gollum-looking fella...

SCOTT: James Carville?

W: That's the one.

SCOTT: He's a pretty staunch Democrat. I don't think he'll help us.

W: Persuade him...[hands Scott some Polaroids]

SCOTT: Is that a llama that he's...?

W: See if he'll take those as payment.

SCOTT: Very good, Mr. President... [hurrys away]

W: I love press conferences... [strolls down the hall whistling "Yellow Rose of Texas"]

Posted by: Harvey at 08:33 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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