February 17, 2006
I was tickled pink to discover that hard-core, ass-kicking US ambassador to the UN, John Bolton, has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for playing a major role in exposing Iran's secret plans to develop nuclear weapons. To bolster his chances of winning, they also included a list of his other notable achievements:
* Author of "China Shopping For Bulls - The John Bolton Guide to Diplomacy"
* During 6-party talks on North Korea's nuclear program, shook down the other 5 parties for their lunch money
* Bolton plans to use the money to finance a mission to nuke the moon, pending the outcome of a copyright infringement suit filed by Frank J.
* Once caused a pigeon to explode in mid-air, just by looking at it.
* Kicked Paul Bunyan's ass and founded the "Bolton's Babe-Burgers" franchise.
* Due to lactose intolerance, had all lactoses rounded up and imprisoned at Gitmo.
* Led Lyndie England around on a leash while mocking her genitalia.
* Prefers to kill people with his bare hands so that he can look into their eyes and watch their souls leave their bodies.
* Eats newly-release souls to fuel the growth of his moustache.
* Hates working for the UN, since few of the ambassadors actually have souls.
* 'STACHE HUNGERS!
* Successfully went in against a Sicilian when death was on the line.
* While not related to Michael Bolton, John does have a better singing voice.
* Of course, who doesn't?
* Once made a rock so big that he himself couldn't lift it.
* The flood waters did not recede from New Orleans quickly enough, so John Bolton drank them.
* On Halloween, witches frequently go out dressed up as John Bolton to frighten liberals.
* Plans to silence whiny California hippies by kicking the whole state right into the ocean.
* Went hunting with Dick Cheney, but used 'stache powers to deflect the birdshot.
* Buys dead-squirrel toupees from the same store as Donald Trump
* Favorite saying: "I like you. I'll kill you last. And by 'last', I mean 'first'."
* 'STACHE HUNGERS!
* When his term as UN Ambassador expires in 2007, plans to decapitate all the UN delegates he hasn't already killed so that he can at last be THE ONE and claim THE PRIZE.
* Used Kim Jong Il's poofy head as a loofah.
* Until Captain Kirk, the Klingons had no word for "surrender". After John Bolton, they will also have a word for "pants-wetting terror".
Of course, they neglected his most notable accomplishment - never having mistaken an elderly lawyer for a small bird.
Posted by: Harvey at
10:25 AM
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