(A FILTHY LIE ASSIGNMENT)
(WITH PROFUSE APOLOGIES TO THE LATE DR. SEUSS)

Every blogger
In the blogosphere
Liked the Alliance a lot...

But Evil Glenn,
Who lived atop the Ecosystem,
Did NOT!

Evil Glenn hated the Alliance!
And their stupid assignments
With the funny rejoinders and their witty refinements.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his manhood was two sizes too small.

But,
Whatever the reason,
His shoes or his willy,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, just hating them silly,
Staring down from his castle with a sour, Evil Glenn frown
As humorous posts on their sites did abound.
For he knew every blogger in the Alliance below
Was busy now, writing, so their humor would show.

"And this new assignment" he snarled with a sneer.
"About "Evil Glenn's Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Glenn fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep this assignment from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...

...All the bloggers would rise
Out of bed bright and early. Then they'd write Filthy Lies!
And then! Oh, the lies! Oh, the lies! Lies! Lies! Lies!
That's one thing he hated! The LIES! LIES! LIES! LIES!

Then the bloggers, young and old, would sit down to post.
And they'd post! And they'd post!
And they'd POST! POST! POST! POST!
They'd challenge his standing as the man who blogged most
Which meant Instapundit couldn't sit back and coast.

And THEN
They'd do something that he liked least of all!
Every blogger in the Alliance, the big and the small,
Would link to each other, OH! The links they'd be flinging
They'd turn on their trackbacks. And then they'd start pinging!

They'd ping! And they'd ping!
AND they'd PING! PING! PING! PING!
And the more Evil Glenn thought of the Alliance-Blog-Ping
The more Evil Glenn thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why for over a year I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop this assignment from coming!
...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
Evil Glenn
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" Evil Glenn laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Frank J. katana and Colt.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great trick to play!
"With this sword and this gun, I'll look just like Frank J.!"

"All I need is a T-shirt babe..."
Evil Glenn looked around.
But since hot babes are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop Evil Glenn...?
No! Evil Glenn simply said,
"If I can't find a T-shirt babe, I'll make one instead!"
So he grabbed his dog Max. Who he'd blended that morn'
And covered his corpse with some photoshopped porn.

THEN
He logged on his blog
With a flick of his wrist
If the Alliance found out
They would surely be pissed.

Then Evil Glenn started posting
Spreading word all around
Instapundit was quitting
And his blog he'd shut down.

His front page would go dark. With no more "Indeeds".
The Alliance could stop whacking Glenn with their screeds
And turn off their Instapundit RSS feeds.
"I'll not be number one," old Evil Glenn hissed
"The Alliance can take me off of their enemies list."

Glenn hated to lie to all his blog friends.
But if the Alliance could do it, then so could Evil Glenn.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
But kept typing onward until he was through.
He'd trick the Alliance, they never would know.
"In a blog war," he grinned, "truth is the first thing to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, the black-hearted fink,
To Alliance HQ, then he clicked every link!
Cornpone! Physics Geek! Frizzen Sparks! Zoo!
Drama Queen! Brain Shavings! There's One, Only!, too!
And he stuffed all their comments with a link to his post.
With hopes that they'd soon tell the Alliance's host!

Then he slunk to their blogrolls and clicked all their friends!
Disguising the source of the message he sends!
So the word soon got out just as quick as a flash.
Why, the Alliance had finally kicked Evil Glenn's ass!

Then he filled all their comments with just a few tries.
"And NOW!" grinned Evil Glenn, "There will be no more lies!"

Evil Glenn laughed at the crap he'd started to post
When he saw a new comment - much smarter than most.
He clicked the comment link and discovered just who!
Sexy Susie-Lou Who, and her boobs, One and Two.

Evil Glenn had been caught by this blogosphere daughter
Upon his sly plans she had just thrown cold water.
She stared at Evil Glenn and said, "Frank J, why,
"Why are YOU shutting down Instapundit? WHY?"

But, you know, Evil Glenn was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little siren," the fake Frank J. lied,
"Evil Glenn is good now, he's come to our side.
"So I'm taking his blog down, but I'll bring it back funny.
"The Alliance will rule all, and we'll have bags of money!"

And his fib fooled sweet Susie. Then he patted her head
And he got her a fireman and he sent her to bed.
And when Susie-Lou Who went to bed with her man,
Like a cowardly Frenchman, Evil Glenn turned and ran!

Then the last thing he hacked
Was the referer log.
Then he put up his feet, as he blended a dog.
Sure that confusion would spread through the Alliance like fog.

And then with an Instalanche
He crashed all their servers
And kicked back with the latest "Penguins for Perverts".

Then
He did the same thing
To every last blog.

Leaving bandwith
So thin that
It couldn't NOT clog!

It was quarter past dawn...
Servers crashing pell-mell
All the bloggers, still un-logged-on
When he packed up his Dell,
Packed it up with their links! And their traffic! And pings!
With their hot-buttered porn stars in leathery things!

With no one to challenge his Higher Being perch,
He Robot-Danced happily in Satan's church!
"Pooh-pooh to the bloggers!" he was Glenn-ily humming.
"They're finding out now that no assignment is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"The all the bloggers in the Alliance will all blog BOO-HOO!"

"That's a post," grinned Evil Glenn,
"That I simply must read!"
He chuckled as he turned on his computer... "Indeed!"
And he did see some posts on the blogs he had thrashed.
On the ones that he THOUGHT he had thoroughly trashed...

But these postings weren't sad!
Why, they sounded quite merry!
It couldn't be so!
But they WERE merry! VERY!

He stared down at the blogs!
Evil Glenn popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Blogger in the Alliance, the big and the small,
Was posting their assignment! They were NOT fooled at all!
He HADN'T stopped the assignment from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And Evil Glenn, with his Robot Dance paused in mid-thrust,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be thus?
It came without linkage! It came without posts!
"It came without DSL! Dial-up! Or hosts!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then Evil Glenn thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe assignments aren't just a way to link-whore.
"Maybe if *I* did an assignment, I could even the score!"

And what happened then...?
Well...in the Alliance they say
With Enzyte, Glenn's small wang
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute he decided to share some of his links,
And declared that the Alliance wasn't just lying finks
He brought back the traffic! And he proved himself best
When he...

...HE HIMSELF...!
Evil Glenn... said

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

Posted by: Harvey at 09:26 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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