Bush's New Advisors

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

[Caution - the second to last link in this post is rated NC17]

Hollywood asshats like George Clooney are full of bad advice when it comes to hunting down terrorists - usually it boils down to something like "Just ignore them and they'll go away... Unless they don't... in which case it's Bush's fault for not connecting the dots."

Now, I'm sure President Bush isn't actually listening to George Clooney, but he's getting bad advice from SOMEWHERE, because the terrorist body count is still under seven figures, there are no internment camps for either Muslims OR hippies, and Michael Moore has yet to be thrown into a crocodile pit.

As a courtesy to our Commander-in-Chief, I assembled a focus group to give advice on how to win the War on Terror. The executive summary follows:

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Frank J. - "Nuke the moon."

Darth Vader - "Strangle annoying underlings to maintain discipline in the ranks. There's no reason why that jellyfish Colin Powell should've left the State Department alive."

Dick Cheney - "Aim for the face."

Donald Rumsfeld - "Hey! Vader stole my advice!"

Ann Coulter - "Invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity."

Gandalf - "More Hobbits"

Michael Jackson - "Give the terrorists a little Jesus Juice, and they'll be ripe for the picking."

Jeffrey Dahmer - "Beat 'em with a mallet for a while, otherwise they'll be too tough and stringy."

Laura Roslin - "Throw 'em out the airlock."

Harry Potter - "I'm a pansy. Let Hermione handle it."

C3P0 - "I suggest a new strategy. Let the Wookie win."

Barney the Dinosaur - "Lots of hugs!... and explosives!"

John Cleese - "Wait... are these terrorists armed with bananas or raspberries?"

Satan - "Just get the Arabs high-speed internet access. They'll be too busy Boobling for pr0n to kill anybody... By the way, has anyone seen my autographed copy of 'An Army of Davids'?"

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If anyone else has conducted a focus group recently, feel free to share excerpts from your executive summaries in the comments.

Posted by: Harvey at 10:39 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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