Because Lefties Are Too Damn Lazy to Write Their Own Stuff

(cross-posted from IMAO)

(for Lynn)

HuffPo's token Righty, Greg Gutfield, posted a list of things that Democrats secretly fear. Lots of good stuff there, like:

Fear that even if the democrats win the 08 election, Europeans will still look down on us and Muslims will still want to kill us.
Fear that capitalism actually works better than any other economic system
Fear that America really is the freest country in the world
Fear that going it alone when you think you're right is more moral than trying to build a coalition with dictators, thieves and cowards.

The comments to Greg's post were laced with typical leftist insanity, BDS, and wishes for Greg's swift-yet-painful death. But nobody did a list for Republicans.

Geez, how many times do I have to do the heavy lifting for these losers?

So here's a list of things Republicans fear, as I would imagine that a short-sighted, logic-impaired, humor-tarded liberal might write them while maintaining a straight face (albeit one almost literally glowing with smug, self-satisfied hubris):

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* Fear that if the Democrats win the 08 election and America pulls out of Iraq, Europeans might respect us again and Muslims will no longer have a good reason to kill us.

* Fear that socialized medicine will NOT completely destroy capitalism like Republican doomsayers keep bleating.

* Fear that America could actually take lessons in freedom from countries that don't torture or execute their citizens.

* Fear that the puppets America's installed in the Iraqi government will eventually bite the hand that feeds them, just like Saddam, and just like Osama, who both used to be our pals but didn't stay bought.

* Fear that your "innocent jokes" reveal your true racist nature.

* Fear that no one's buying your jingoistic propaganda any more.

* Fear that it isn't possible to get your piece of the American dream because the playing field really ISN'T level.

* Fear that there are actually things the government can do to level the playing field.

* Fear that when people "speak truth to power", YOU'RE the one they're talking to, and that you ought to listen.

* Fear that Fox isn't fair and balanced.

* Fear that Dan Rather's memos were real.

* Fear that Clinton's impeachment was a substanceless case of political grandstanding.

* Fear that an impeachment case against Bush wouldn't be.

* Fear that school voucher programs would hurt the children who couldn't afford to use them.

* Fear that the reality-based community really is.

* Fear that you're only echoing Republican talking points, and have no original thoughts of your own.

* Fear that the Palestinians have good reasons to fight against Israel.

* Fear that gay marriage is less of a threat to the institution than heterosexual abuse and adultery.

* Fear that enforcing cookie-cutter, one-size-fits-all educational standards will not do anything to get at-risk students the help they need, even though they make you feel better.

* Fear that Communism can't be as bad as Joe McCarthy & Ronald Reagan told you it was, as proven by the fact that the Chinese economy is growing three times faster than America's.

* Fear that, by laughing at Al Gore, you're giving a death sentence to your children and your children's children.

* Fear that oil doesn't necessarily have to be the world's main source of energy.

* Fear that oil isn't something that innocent people have to die for.

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And yes, I know this list isn't funny. I *said* I was writing like a Democrat, didn't I?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take a long, long shower.

Posted by: Harvey at 06:33 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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