Blogdaughter Boudicca of Boudicca's Voice says:

"I want my child to be content in life, to have good relationships and to be law abiding functioning and contributing person in our society."

Parents - I'm curious... what do you want for your children?

Posted by: Harvey at 06:42 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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Blogdaughter Boudicca of Boudicca's Voice says that FemHyg Products have unattractive packaging:

So this feminine hygiene product in pink and blue? Why not red? Red would be perfect becauseÂ… you know. Red.

Or Black? We all feel like complete crap, even me. Why not black boxes? It’s fitting for the mood. Trust me. A big black box with Red Letters. Nothing quite says, ‘I’ll kick your ass and not give a crap about your name’ like a big black box with red letters full of tampons. Heh.

Or Green? Just because. I like green. A dark green box. I like it.

Good idea.

I'll start my own brand of FemHyg Products with their own fancy packaging:

GRUMPY PUSSY™ BRAND PADS & TAMPONS

"I'm dripping wet and irritated... don't f*ck with me!"

I think chicks would buy them, don't you?

Posted by: Harvey at 06:33 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

Your voice makes me tremble inside and your smile is an invitation for my imagination to go wild.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

Posted by: Harvey at 06:32 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(Rubber stamp: some foreign words, and something about the Bat Nha Temple)]

The monks of the Bat Nha Temple recently announced that enlightenment can now be purchased using Super Happy Lucky Fun Buddha Dollars.

Posted by: Harvey at 06:30 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Precision Guided Humor Assignment reminder: What would it take to make Iran give up its nuclear program? due by 11:59pm EDT Wednesday, May 26th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Monday Linky Stuff

Filthy Liars CAN get an Instalanche

Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Glenn and the NSA

New Filthy Lie Assignment: How does Evil Glenn dress for work?

Posted by: Harvey at 07:21 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks is having a mid-life crisis and YOU get to help him.

He's turning 35 on May 29th, but he's not quite sure how to react, so he's taking suggestions. Guidelines & restrictions can be found at the above link.

I get to be one of the judges for this "best crisis activity" contest, so I should probably mention that I'm eminently bribable.

Meanwhile, here's what I'm thinkin'... a good mid-life crisis helps you throw off that burdensome sense of adult responsibility and allows your to recapture the excitement of your misspent youth. Psychologically, it's about becoming younger so that death doesn't seem so near.

Ironically, it usually involves doing stupid, irresponsible things that might get you killed.

Anyway, how about:

Innovate with facial hair - Soul patch, mutton chops, and a Rollie Fingers combo, perhaps?

Bad toupee and/or hair-in-a-can cover-up.

Purchasing and working out with some crappy piece of cheap-ass, ineffective infomercial exercise equipment, like the Ab Force Ab Roller.

Anyway, the winning entry will win "a real and tangiable prize", so in order to make sure Grau gets your entry, you should probably leave it in HIS comments instead of mine, although you can also do both, or just post about it on your own blog and send a trackback to the old bastard.

If your trackback doesn't work, leave a link in his comments.

Or just email it to him.

Or crayon it onto a piece of paper, tie it around a rock, and throw it through his window.

Whichever.

Posted by: Harvey at 03:49 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Calimus of Technography points out that Microsoft is working on making Word more blogger-friendly.

Too little, too late, but good on 'em, I suppose.

I stopped using Word a couple years ago. My Bad Money blog is littered with "?" from their &*%$ing proprietary quotes, apostrophes, & ellipses.

I curse them all and their illegitimate progeny.

I'm strictly a NoteTab Light kinda guy now. And on the rare occasions when I *do* compose in something else, I copy & paste it into NTL, which cleans all the crap out of it and gives me nice, plain, unformatted text.

Mostly I don't bother with spell-check since most of my typos are homonyms and skipped words, which wouldn't get spotted anyway. On the rare occasions that I don't know how to spell a word, I just Google it with my best guess. If I get the [definition] link on the top-right of the page, I know I spelled it right.

Meanwhile, if I weren't such a cheap bastard, I'd shell out the $10 to upgrade to NoteTab Standard, which includes a spellcheck feature, but I'm not wasting good beer money on something I'll hardly ever use.

Posted by: Harvey at 02:29 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Leslie of Leslie's Omnibus mentioned the David Hasselhoff video of "Hooked on a Feeling".

Disturbing.

But not quite as disturbing as imagining the thought process of the songwriter for Blue Swede - the first band to insert the infamous "ooga chakka" chant into the song.

"Hmmm... I've got this catchy little BJ Thomas ditty... now what can I do to make it better..."

"I know! I'll have some guys chant 'ooga chakka' during the intro!"

Seriously, dude, what the F*CK???

Anyway, that's evolved into an inside joke between me & TNT. If she asks me if I like a song, I tell her "it's not bad, but it really needs more ooga chakkas".

Oh, and here's someone's theory on Blue Swede's insanity:

"Ooga Chacka!" Playing "Indians and cowboys" is, for some unknown reason, very popular among Swedish kids. Or at least was, before Nintendo polluted their minds. (Sorry for the political incorrectness, but it was just never called "Native Americans and cowboys"). Anyway, after a tribe catches a cowboy, in Swedish kids' minds, they tie him to the totem pole and do a tribal dance around him singing "Ooga chacka". Björn Schiffs, being a very funny and childish person - in Sweden likely as known for his comedy acting as his music - probably remembered his childhood as he wrote the intro.
- Dennis, Cebu, Philippines(nat. Swedish, Other

Finally, here's a link for those who don't get the title of this post.

Posted by: Harvey at 12:45 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Denny of Grouchy Old Cripple posted his Saturday Boobage with a group shot featuring a variety of shapes & sizes [NC17 on that link].

However, upon closer inspection, I'm thinking that "bottom row, second from the left" is (or used to be) a guy. Note the large hand and the chiseled features.

Might be a couple other trannies in there, too (e.g. top row, fifth from the right).

Can't be sure without a package check, of course, but bad wigs and fake boobs always get my Sailor Sense tingling.

Posted by: Harvey at 10:11 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

Sometimes we make love with our eyes.
Sometimes we make love with our hands.
Sometimes we make love with our bodies.
Always we make love with our hearts.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

Posted by: Harvey at 09:31 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[CUBS]

Actually, it's an acronym for Chicago's Underachieving Baseball Schmucks.

Posted by: Harvey at 09:29 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Since I firmly believe in watching the watchers, I've bugged the NSA office and overheard the following conversation between agents Jack Boot and Eve Drop regarding their efforts to analyze phone records from the major telecom companies:

EVE: Unwad your panties, Jack, it's SIMPLE. All ya gotta do is just twist the data to fit your agenda and you can prove that ANYONE is evil.

JACK: Sorta like how the Democratic Underground trolls keep "proving" that Bush is Hitler?

EVE: Exactly... Here, let me pick a name at random and show you how it's done... AH! This Glenn Reynolds fellow will do...

JACK: Instapundit? But he's a right-wing warmonger! He doesn't fit the profile!

EVE: Look, strip-club-visiting muslims don't fit the profile either - except for the 9/11 hijackers! Ya gotta be willing to follow the evidence wherever it leads, even if you have to drag it kicking & screaming to get it there. Now, let's look at his phone records.

JACK: Here's a call to a "Mrs. Reynolds" in another city. Probably his mother.

EVE: AHA! Obviously calling to tell her goodbye before his terrorist suicide mission!

JACK: It was on Mother's Day. EVERYONE called their mother on Mother's Day... except NSA agents who had their mothers killed [gives Eve an accusatory glance]

EVE: She knew too much!... Anyway, that Reynolds is a crafty devil, timing his call like that so that we wouldn't be suspicious! Which is the most suspicious thing you can do.

JACK: Not as suspicious at THIS group of calls... must be a hundred of 'em to someone named HP. Who the heck is HP?

EVE: GOTTA be Hezbollah of Palestine! No other organization has those initials!

JACK: What about Hamas of Palestine?

EVE: That cagey BASTARD! Trying to throw us a curve with a dual-use acronym!

JACK: Either way, he's got terrorist connections. Now all we have to do is figure out where he plans to strike & how.

EVE: Hmmm... a call to Black & Decker... coffee maker division...

JACK: Of COURSE! He's going to use the timer from the coffee maker as a bomb trigger! It's the ONLY explanation! EVERYONE knows that obscenely rich best-selling authors normally only drink Starbucks coffee that's been hand-delivered by illegal Mexicans!

EVE: You mean Canadians - there are some jobs that are so demeaning that even Mexicans won't do them.

BOB McKENZIE: Here's yer coffee, eh? That'll be, like, 5 beers?

EVE: Here's a six-pack and a toque. Keep the change.

BOB McKENZIE: Beauty! I'm gonna take off, eh?

EVE: Yeah, get outta here, freak...Anyway, Jack, we know HOW he'll strike, but that information is useless unless we know the target...

JACK: Wait... I see a pattern here... he's called the Memphis Canine Rescue Shelter every day for the last... well... since the telephone was invented.

EVE: That MONSTER! Targeting innocent puppies! What sort of deranged freak would want to explode puppies into a thick - almost drinkable - liquid?

JACK: Who cares? All that matters is that we now have undeniable proof of his insidious plot! The evidence is rock solid! This one's a slam...

[phone rings]

EVE: NSA Civilian Entrapment Project. Eve Drop speaking... uh huh... uh huh... oh... oh, I see... thank you...

[hangs up]

JACK: ...DUNK! He's going down like a Kennedy driving an Oldsmobile into a lake!

EVE: Bad news. That was the Director. Seems that this phone number database we've been using is phony. BellSouth, AT&T, Verizon... they ALL deny giving us any information. Seems that only telecom that provided us with anything was Bell Alliance. We've been had.

JACK: DAMN! Now Reynolds is going to get away scott free! Just like a Kennedy driving an Oldsmobile into a lake!

EVE: Calm down, Jack... sooner or later, he'll make another mistake. We'll nail him eventually...

JACK: So... wanna hack into John Murtha's credit record and put in some unpaid escort service bills?

EVE: Jack, I *love* the way you think...

...always watching...

Posted by: Harvey at 09:21 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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And Matty O'Blackfive has a suggestion for how to make them realize that there's a price to pay for screwing over Fran O'Brien's.

Posted by: Harvey at 02:14 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

Thinking of your lips
Warm, soft, the taste of your tongue
Sweet with chocolate

[via Jennifer's History & Stuff]

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

Posted by: Harvey at 10:29 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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So you have a buttload of favorite blogs, and you'd LIKE to celebrate their blogiversaries every year, but you just can't keep track of all those dates.

Jim of bRight & Early has a solution - The Blogiversary Database.

Just fill out the painfully easy form, confirm your submission, and you're in. Encourage your friends to do likewise, and you'll always be able to remember their special day.

For convenience, there's even a tiny piece of javascript you can put in your sidebar to display Blogiversaries (yesterday's, today's & tomorrow's). Once it's in your template, it updates by itself, so no extra work for you. Check my left sidebar below the Reader Quotes section to see how it looks.

Now go sign up so that I can keep track of you.

Posted by: Harvey at 10:26 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[NEVER WORK AGAIN PREPACKAGEDFUSION.COM]

Now, when you say "never work again", do you mean as in "won the lottery", or as in "Michael Jackson unsupervised around children"?

Posted by: Harvey at 08:41 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Since two people commented on the lack of regularity of Graffiti Currency & Love Notes (which - statistically extrapolated - means 200 other people have the same concern), I should probably make up a lame excuse to cover myself.

You would think it would be easier to be regular, since it's just copy & paste, but for some reason it's actually been harder. Seems I'll spend the first part of the day writing regular blog posts, with the intention of putting up TGC & TLN afterwards, but then I get distracted by a shiny object - usually the one I'm married to - and not get back to my computer until the next day.

I blame a shiny object attack for missing the Love Note on Friday.

Anyway, in the future, I'll make more of an effort to get those two items posted somewhere between midnight & midnight on any given day, even if it means they follow consecutively, which I've been trying to avoid.

Meanwhile, you, the reader, are responsible for positively reinforcing my behavior by leaving comments telling me what a wonderful human being I am.

Or impugning my ancestry, sexual preference, and/or manhood.

Whichever.

Posted by: Harvey at 08:35 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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1 I for one will do my part. How about if I do both? The positive reinforcement for posting the most beautiful love thoughts I've read anywhere; and also berating and impugning your "tiny manhood" (as per your post of 5/1 for marring those beautiful love thoughts with some dirty lecherous words in the extended entry?

Posted by: Michele at May 21, 2006 09:58 AM (Zl2Qs)

2 Yay! Someone noticed my tiny manhood! :-)

Posted by: Harvey at May 21, 2006 10:28 AM (L7a63)

3 Okay, easily distracted I understand - I'm in constant "oh look - a butterfly" mode! LOL But we readers thoroughly enjoy your TGN & TLN posts, and we certainly notice when they're missing! Carry on! :-)

Posted by: Just-Me-Jen at May 22, 2006 06:26 AM (aaNM4)

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Blogson Wandering Gunslinger of Gunpowder Grotto posted his "A" paper "How to win the war on drugs and still get to burn things"

I'm not sure I agree with his statement that "the governmentÂ’s current method of curbing the drug market has only succeeded in increasing its size", but I would agree that it's created the violent crime associated with the drug trade. By making it illegal, they've effectively forbidden civilized dispute resolution within the court system, so people are left to sort things out with gunplay.

I say legalize drugs and then let the lawyers destroy all the drug-producers with class-action lawsuits.

Even if you have no interest in an economic analysis of the drug trade (even one with plenty of amusing, tongue-in-cheek commentary), DO be sure to click over and at least check out the author's end-note at the bottom.

Posted by: Harvey at 08:34 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[*People Kill People* *NOT Guns*]

Except for Ted Kennedy, who kills both.

Posted by: Harvey at 02:13 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Donald Rumsfeld was on the Hugh Hewitt show last week, and he mentioned blogs.

I hope that means he'll be starting one soon.

I mean, sure, he's done a great job as Secretary of Terrorizing Terrorists or whatever his title is, but he's also a great communicator and his talent is being wasted.

If nothing else, at least he wouldn't be a weepy little woman like Tony Snow.

Granted, it probably wouldn't be the BEST blog in the world - just lots of pictures of him strangling journalists and hippies and feeding their twisted corpses to Chomps - but I'll bet it would have a cool name, like maybe....

* The Only Good Terrorist Is A Dead Terrorist, and the World Needs More Good Terrorists

* Shut Up! I'm Trying to Hegemonize!

* Hand Grenades In The Podium And Other Keys To A Successful Press Conference

* What Good Is Having Nukes If We're Not Going To Use Them?

* I TOLD You Not To Listen To Colin Powell!

* I Don't Want To Beat You To Death With Your Own Press Credentials, But I Will If I Have To

* Invade Their Country and Steal Their Oil - Solutions To Illegal Immigration

* KILL! KILL! KILL! - The Rumsfeld Doctrine Explained

* You Say "Torturing Terrorists" Like It's a BAD Thing

* Five Point Palm Exploding Heart and Other Love Poems

* I Like You. I'll Kill You Last

* I Miss Napalm

* I'm Only Wearing Glasses So That My Eyes Don't Jump Out of My Head and Strangle You

* Pale Rider's Adventures In Apocalyptic Horsemanship

* Kittens, Puppies, Rainbows, and Other Irritants

* Remember When I Said I'd Kill You Last?... I Lied

Any other guesses?

Posted by: Harvey at 02:02 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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