. She turned off comments on her post, but I suppose you can leave some words here, if you'd like.
Being an adoptee, Pam asks an interesting question about whether being adopted has an effect on the depth of her mourning:
Short answer, no.
My father went after a lingering illness, and since I knew it was coming, I got a good deal of my mourning finished before his body quit.
You'll feel the loss in stabbing bits and pieces, as you stumble over moments when you think "Mom would like this" before remembering that she's gone. It won't be a constant thing. It'll catch you off guard when you least expect it, but each time it bleeds a little less, until the wound is healed and all that's left is the scar of loving memory, where the flesh is bright and strong.
No more pain. Just the reminder.
Cherish the memories and tell her stories so that her light will still shine.
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I feel it would be the same as mourning for the loss of a family memeber from your spouses side.
Your not related to the them blood wise but you feel a bond with them, a bond of family.
I mourned the loss of my husbands grandmother, whom I only knew for 7 years, more than I mourned the loss of either of my grandmothers, who I knew for my entire life (35 & 37 years).
It's the connection you feel with that person, not the DNA.
Posted by: Machelle at November 28, 2005 12:16 PM (ZAyoW)
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I agree that when faced with a lingering illness it seems to be the case that you get some of those thoughts and feelings out before your loved ones pass. I remember being glad that my grandfather had finally passed. I wasn't too sad as he had lead quite a life. I was more grateful to have been able to share a bit of it.
Pam, you are in my thoughts. Remember your mom and all those moments your folks blessed you with.
Posted by: Oddybobo at November 28, 2005 12:22 PM (6Gm0j)
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Pam, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family right now.
Please don't reproach yourself for your feelings. You wouldn't feel any different if you and your mother shared blood as well as the bond of your family. Your grief comes from your love for her, not your blood.
And Harvey's right, too. Your mourning isn't new, so there's no reason for it to be sharp and painful. When my grandmother died after a long battle with cancer, I felt washed out, flat, not really sad. I don't think I ever cried until later. When I missed her.
Hugs.
Posted by: caltechgirl at November 28, 2005 01:04 PM (/vgMZ)
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Pam, know you are in my thoughts, and may the light enfold and guide you in the days ahead.
Short answer, as Harvey says, is no. You and she may not share genes, but you share hearts, spirit, and love for she was you mother. She wanted you, and raised you. That transcends mere genetics and the mechanics of delivery.
I still reach for the phone some days to share news, funny stuff, or just life with Dad or even Mom, and I lost them five and ten years ago respectively. Harvey describes it well...
In both cases, we got a lot out of the way well before the end -- particularly with Mom as she fought ovarian cancer. Dad went down fast at the end, but we both knew the end was indeed coming.
It still hurts, but the funny stuff that I would share brings a smile these days, simply because I know they would find it funny.
Besides, if I listen real carefully, I can hear their laughter and comments still.
Posted by: Laughing Wolf at November 28, 2005 04:19 PM (5cMH5)
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Thank you so much, everyone, for the perspective as much as the condolences.
Harvey, you're quite simply the best.
Hugs to you all...
Posted by: pam at November 28, 2005 05:46 PM (l6NIn)
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Pam- No. It is the same. I feel certain. She was YOUR mother. Blood is irrelevant. I am so very sorry.
Posted by: Bou at November 28, 2005 09:49 PM (iHxT3)
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Pam:
My husband was adopted, but found his birth parents at age 30. He was close to BOTH sets. He has lost 3 of the parents in the past two years. He mourned all of them. Blood IS irrelevant. It is love that binds one to parents...adopted or otherwise.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: DixieDarlin' at November 28, 2005 10:02 PM (oMcKT)
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I would argue that the love from her mother was greater than a natural child. She _chose_ Pam. Adopting her was a deliberate and planned act, not simply a matter of letting "nature take it's course". She made a conscious choice.
As for the grieving part, I agree that Harvey sums it up best. I think the toughest part is the unexpected events that will remind you of her and result in an emotional moment at an inconvenient time. I had one of those this weekend - they suck. It's a bit tougher for a guy to explain why he's welling up, so I keep sunglasses handy wherever I go.
I recommend, Pam, that you try to be productive and active. That was my dad's advice to me as he found that spare time resulted in him dwelling on the past, making the transition more difficult for him.
Posted by: _Jon at November 29, 2005 10:18 AM (ZM3Qb)
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Based on the way Beth *still* misses her parents, *especially* this time of year - I'd say no, the bond is as deep as you want it to be. And, if anything, birth-children can be can take parents for granted...
Posted by: John of Argghhh! at November 29, 2005 04:36 PM (15lPy)
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And I can't even blame alcohol for my inability to type...
Posted by: John of Argghhh! at November 29, 2005 04:37 PM (15lPy)
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.. you and your family are in my thoughts, Pam... my sincere condolences...
Posted by: Eric at November 29, 2005 05:46 PM (r5XsL)
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