(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

It makes me weep to see the Democrats get thrashed in election after election, so I'm offering some helpful tips on how they can improve their chances in 2006 and beyond:

Have all Democratic candidates run around screaming "YEARRRRRGH!" so as to make Howard Dean seem normal.

Rename it the "Demoshizzilatic Par-TAY!" to attract the youth vote.

Just kidding. Trusting the youth vote is like trusting Bill Clinton's marriage vows.

Read the parts of the Bible to the right of the page where it says "Published by Tyndale House"

Adhere closely to the "cigars are ONLY for SMOKING" rule.

Drive Hummers.

Bonus for driving them over hippies.

Fill in the blank: "The only good terrorist is a(n) _______ terrorist". If your answer was "hugged", "understood", or "appeased", try again.

Things that should be cut: taxes, trees, your graying ponytail.

Try running talentless hack action movie actors for high elective office. And no, you can't borrow Bruce Willis.

No, Eastwood is ours, too.

When someone mentions the word "God", don't get that goosed Chihuahua look.

Admit that "wetland" is just a fancy word for "swamp". Mud doesn't need protective legislation.

Don't even THINK about passing a "fat tax" to "promote healthy eating habits". Remember, Congressmen are a good source of protein and they taste like chicken.

The only difference between Ted Kennedy and a mumbling wino is a shave and a New England accent. Lock him away somewhere, he's scaring the children.

Hillary = Bill = you lose. Don't use her.

Seriously. Put down the Hillary & back away slowly.

Old IBM Selectric typewriters can be obtained fairly cheaply off of eBay.

Ditto Armstrong Williams.

But the most important change the Democrats can make?

Root for the guys wearing the body armor, NOT the guys wearing the explosives.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

Posted by: Harvey at 05:52 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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