(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

Every election needs a last-minute, deal-busting revelation to come out just to keep things interesting.

And sell papers.

My predictions for the 2004 Presidential race:

It will be discovered that gin-soaked raisins don't cure arthritis, but actually cause cancer.

Terry Kerry will counter that they only causes cancer in laboratory animals and people who've never held a real job.

The Bush-cocaine rumor will re-surface, with the twist being that W was too dumb to realize that it was actually powdered sugar.

Documents emerge showing that - while attending Viet Nam peace talks in Paris in 1971 - John Kerry played strip poker with Viet Cong leader Madame Nguyen Thi Binh

While a cheerleader in Texas, George Bush slept with the Captain of the football team.

After the Democratic convention, Republican operatives secretly replaced Terry Kerry with Karl Rove in drag. John Kerry reportedly commented "I thought she was unusually snug lately"

The goose that John Kerry claims to have shot was actually faxed to him from a Kinko's in Abilene.

Elizabeth Edwards has an explosive temper and once shot a bathroom scale for "being a filthy liar".

That object that John Kerry smuggled into the first debate wasn't a pen, but a pocket gay-dar, which enabled him to detect and reveal Mary Cheney's lesbianicity.

John Edwards is a grown man who takes 5 minutes to comb his hair and he carries a compact. John Kerry has to turn his pocket gay-dar off whenever they're together.

Kerry campaign operatives were discovered to be behind the recent spate of Blogspot and mu.nu blog outages.

Hitler endorses Kerry using Christopher Reeves's magic beyond-the-grave cell phone.

Bush once won a Texas Chili Cook-Off with his "5-Alarm Barn-Burning Baby-Meat Chili" recipe.

In 1996, Kerry was arrested for beating a homeless person to death with a picnic table.

Wait... that was Glenn Reynolds. Sorry.

Kerry was arrested after he beat his maid to death for not getting the skidmarks out of his pink silk boxers.

Actually he had his butler handle the beating part, as he didn't want to risk mussing his important-looking hair.

Bush forces his dog, Barney, to use a litter box.

In a blind taste test, Kerry chose Hunts.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

Posted by: Harvey at 07:06 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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