(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

I've heard that John Kerry has a secret plan for dealing with the war in Iraq. Claims that it's better, faster, easier, and bloodlessier than anything Bush is doing.

Details are sketchy.

But I did find the plan's main outlines at www.immakingthisup.org so I thought I'd share it with you:

Allow American soldiers to come home early if they have three Purple Hearts. To get the troops home faster, the definition of "being wounded by enemy fire" will now include sunburn, since Kerry will declare the sun to be an enemy combatant.

Pass stringent gun control laws in Iraq. Look at what it's done for the crime rate in Washington DC.

Drop Nair bombs on the insurgents. Without their thick, wooly beards, they'll have no will to fight.

Send in France's legendary Surrender Armada and give those insurgents a surrendering they'll never forget.

Have the UN pass a resolution requiring the insurgents to lay down their arms.

Repeat 16 times.

Rename Iraq to "Irack", thus technically ending the "War in Iraq".

Declare the war "a tie" so as not to hurt anyone's self-esteem. Surely the fighting will stop once everyone feels good about themselves.

Banish all terrorists to The Phantom Zone where they will KNEEL BEFORE ZOD for all of eternity.

Kerry will personally fly over enemy positions in a helicopter dripping deadly Botox from his forehead.

There's no need to fear! Underdog is... oops... sucked into a jet intake.

Fly around the earth really fast, thus turning back time so he can prevent the 9/11 attacks.

No more screwing around... it's time to send in both Moose AND Squirrel.

Might even have to bring SpongeBob in from Afghanistan.

These are all excellent plans, but I do have one question:

If Kerry gets elected, will he resign after his third paper cut?

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

Posted by: Harvey at 06:42 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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