In a post about Amber Frey, Vanessa of Stained Glass Soul made this point:

C'mon, how much do you really know a person in a month? I know, we all hear of people marrying after knowing each other only a few days. But how many of those marriages last? Almost none do, and the reason usally given is that he/she never really knew his/her spouse.

Which made me wonder... what IS a good amount of time to know someone before marriage, and why?

I say 2 years.

When people say they "know each other", what they MEAN is that they know - to a fair degree of certainty - how the other person will react in a given situation. In two years you will see a LOT of situations that test a person's character. You will see how they react to the kind of stressful and unusual situations during which you, as their partner, can NOT countenance undependability, such as needing a ride to the airport, the loss of a family member, buying a new car, having a major appliance break down, being stranded with a broken car, and other assorted unpredictable emergencies.

Time after time you will discover just how much trust you can put in your significant other when you need them the most. Unless all (or at least the VAST majority) of these tests are passed with flying colors, you're probably better off single.

But there are also the tiny, daily things. The small thoughtfulnesses that show you that you're loved, respected, and cared about... or not. The little smiles, the brief touches, the frequency of "please" and "thank you", and the number of promises - both large and small - that are made and kept... or not.

Then there are the family things. After marriage, there are - like it or not - in-laws of all stripes that must be dealt with. Chances are there will be friction with some of them, maybe most of them. But whether that's a problem depends on how your beloved handles the situation. Two years gives you two full holiday cycles to observe your darling's diplomatic skills... or lack thereof. I think this second set of holidays is critical, since anyone can hold their breath & fake it through one Christmas. But can they still be as cheerful facing the family the second year? Character will show broadly in year two.

Now I will not defend my choice of "2 years" as some sort of perfect magic number that no one should ever argue with. Depending on the situation, and the circumstances of your togetherness, it's possible to get to "know" somebody (as I defined it above) in a much shorter period of time. Conversely, you can know someone for 20 years and still be wrong, as the first lady of New Jersey found out. But a couple solar cycles should be plenty of a time for character flaws to be noticable.

Of course, whether you have the strength and self-honesty to recognize the flaws instead of deliberately ignoring them to your detriment is another matter, and I suspect that if you're making commitments in a month, you probably have a sore neck from looking the other way regarding a LOT of things you shouldn't.

Posted by: Harvey at 10:57 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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