(A FILTHY LIE)

Charming Alliance HQ Hostess Susie came home from another miserable 13 hour shift at the Dollar Theater ("Now With 19th Century Technology!") drained and exhausted. After pouring herself a shot of "Scantily Clad Fireman" brand whiskey ("Starting the Fire in Your Belly since 1898"), she snapped off her bra and checked her e-mail.

Susie: Let's see... 293 comment spams, 78 offers for Viagra, 57 propositions from Nigerians, 39 new applicants for the Alliance... [click, click, click...]... all of which are missing either a fake Glenn Reynolds quote or a link to HQ... Screw this! I'm going to my Happy Place.

... Susie got up and went to her special room wherein was located the one thing that gave her solace in times of trouble - her Barbie collection. Since she was a little girl, she'd always adored her Barbies, and sought to acquire one of everything. Yet one item had always eluded her, and she gazed sadly at the empty space on her shelf where she hoped that item would someday go.

Susie: Barbie's Dream House... if only I could get one, I just know it would make my life complete. I would give ANYTHING to own Barbie's Dream House!

... The room darkened ominously, as a cloud of black, sulfurous smoke formed in the middle of the Barbie room. An imposing figure dressed in red became visible as the smoke began to dissipate.

Susie: Oh no! I've summoned Satan! He's going to offer me Barbie's Dream House in exchange for my soul! Which wouldn't be so bad if I weren't currently braless and... quite perky.

... The smoke cleared, and the man in red let out an evil laugh...

Man in Red: Ho! Ho! Ho!

Susie:... Santa???...

Santa: You were expecting someone else?

Susie: Satan, actually.

Santa: Ya know, ever since John made that typo in the Book of Revelations, people have been getting us confused. Let me set you straight - *I* give you goodies in exchange for your soul, Satan makes bad things happen to good people.

Susie: So Satan hired my Assistant Manager?

Santa: Exactly.

Susie: How did you know I was ready to trade my soul? Is that part of the whole "sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good" schtick?

Santa: Sorry, lady, you've got me confused with John Ashcroft. No, Glenn Reynolds saw on your blog that you wanted Barbie's Dream House, so he sent me to make a deal.

Susie: You're Evil Glenn's sidekick???

Santa: The title is "executive assistant".

Susie: Er... yeah... whatever... anyway, I'm kinda confused. Let me see if I got this straight... YOU, and NOT Satan, trade worldy wealth for souls?

Santa: Right. I've got tons of crap just laying around at the Workshop, plus a delivery system so fast it makes FedEx look like George Lucas working on a Star Wars sequel. So I can get souls any time, any place.

Susie: But what do you do with the souls?

Santa: They power my army of robotic toy-making elves.

Susie: I thought you used REAL elves to make toys?

Santa: NOW you're just being silly. Everyone knows the only things Elves are good for is holding endless, indecisive council meetings on what to do about demonic jewelry.

Susie: Sorta like the French?

Santa: Sorta... except the French usually send in Americans to do their dirty work instead of conning naive Hobbits.

Susie: So if you're so good at trading stuff for souls, why did you need to throw in with Evil Glenn?

Santa: Let's just say that Glenn's not the ONLY one with a penguin fetish.

Susie: EWWW! I see... Wait!... Aren't penguins native to the SOUTH pole?

Santa: Now you know why I need Glenn's help. He's got some REALLY good connections at the Amundsen-Scott South Pole Station.

Susie: But I still don't understand why you'd work with Glenn. He's EVIL! He murders hobos!

Santa: Hobos don't have chimneys. What the hell do *I* care?

Susie: What about the blended puppies?

Santa: Again - don't care. I hate puppies! Every year I give out millions of the little bastards. Nasty, yipping little things, always piddling in my sack of presents. Good riddance, *I* say.

Susie: And the Robot Dancing?

Santa: Nothing wrong with a man dancing. Hell, I invented "The Twist"

Susie: That was Chubby Checker.

Santa: *I* was Chubby Checker.

Susie: That's ridiculous. Chubby Checker was black.

Santa: Well, you know how Michael Jackson...

Susie: Ok, you can stop there. Anyway, what's this "deal" Glenn wanted you to make?

Santa: In exchange for the Barbie Dream House, you agree to stop hosting the Alliance HQ page. Without you doing all the heavy lifting, the Alliance will fall apart in a matter of days, and Glenn will once again be free to rule the blogosphere with his velvet-handed tyrannical peacefulness.

Susie: Wait... don't you want my soul, too?

Santa: That? Pfffft! I've had that for decades!

Susie: What?

Santa: Remember this? [whips out digital palm-corder and replays a scene from Susie's childhood]... "I'd give anything for a Malibu Barbie! ANYTHING!"

Susie: Oh... yeah... that.

Santa: I got the Dream House right here... [extracts it from bag]... whaddya say?

Susie: Well, I guess I say... DIE, YOU JOLLY BASTARD!

... with ninja-like speed, Susie swept her bra off the floor and wrapped it tightly around Santa's neck, not letting up the pressure on his chubby throat until he collapsed to the floor in a white-fur-trimmed heap.

Susie [placing Dream House triumphantly onto her shelf]: Now, what to do with the gift-giving prick minion of the puppy blender... AH! I know!

EPILOGUE (one week later):

Good Evening. I'm Dan Rather and this is the CBS evening news. Our top story tonight: Saddam Hussein goes f****** nuts:

Saddam: But I keep telling you, I'm NOT Saddam! I'm Santa Claus! That bitch Susie stole my Barbie Dream house and switched me with the REAL Saddam! I'm Santa Claus! Get me Glenn Reynolds on the phone! That son of a bitch! This is all HIS fault! If I ever get outta here, I'm joining the f****** Alliance! INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

Posted by: Harvey at 09:13 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
Post contains 1017 words, total size 7 kb.

1 Hilarious! But does this mean Saddam's our new Santa Claus? I now reallly don't want to see what's under my X-mas tree on Christmas Day...

Posted by: Earl at July 30, 2004 09:58 PM (AaBEz)

2 That is GREAT! I liked "Sorry, lady, you've got me confused with John Ashcroft." heh heh heh

Posted by: Boudicca at July 30, 2004 10:18 PM (wD7jC)

3 Fantastic! But... I'm skeered... where's Saddam?

Posted by: Dana at July 30, 2004 10:26 PM (vgtCY)

4 ROFL!!!! I guess that's another reason to take my bra off when I get home from work...

Posted by: Susie at July 30, 2004 11:40 PM (11RPa)

5 Life: First, there is a Santa, and he'll give you presents if you are a good little guy. Next, there is no such thing as Santa. (sniffle) We lied to you, but wasn't it fun?! (sob) Finally, Santa does exist, and he's a total asshole! (serious bawling) I'm. So. Confused. I can't tell if I'm laughing or crying!

Posted by: That 1 Guy at July 31, 2004 12:23 AM (3CoHh)

6 That was great! I love Saturdays!

Posted by: Sally at July 31, 2004 08:54 AM (a1D32)

7 Utter brilliance! You've captured Susie and Santa like no man before!

Posted by: Tuning Spork at July 31, 2004 07:32 PM (s2DIG)

8 Could you repeat that? I was having difficult removing my space helmet.

Posted by: Zongo the Ruthless at August 03, 2004 04:18 PM (JCxVY)

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