(A FILTHY LIE)

Deep in a castle, located somewhere in darkest Memphis, a vampiric-looking gentleman sat on a throne of blackest ice, scuffing his socks-and-sandals clad feet agitatedly on the stone floor as he contemplated his latest blog-post:

Another added benefit of this earthquake is that the problem of high birth rates in these third world countries need matter no more, with this so-called "disaster" to even out the ratio of births to deaths. Less peasants in the third world equals less of the money I pay in taxes being spent on ‘Aid’ or emotional extortion, as I like to call it.

Evil Glenn [finger poised above delete button]: No, too compassionate... yet compassion DOES seem to be the "in" thing these days... Maybe I should resolve to be a kinder, gentler blogger in 2005... Maybe I should embrace my inner child and [bulk of introspective soliloquy deleted as a mercy to readers]... But who would I ask for advice on such an important decision?... I know! I'll just Google semi-randomly and...

[shortly thereafter, at a house located somewhere in the frozen wastes of Wisconsin...]

[ring... ring... ring]

Harv: Hello?

Evil Glenn: Hi! Have you reviewed your insurance needs lately?

Harv: A telemarketer! Thank God! I was afraid you might be a dark blogospheric overlord looking for advice on a deeply personal issue...

Evil Glenn: Oh man. You ain't gonna like THIS one, Currency Freak...

Harv: Crap. It's you. And stop calling me Currency Freak. I don't post Graffiti Currency anymore.

Evil Glenn: What about Wednesday night's post?

Harv: ... YOU SHUT UP! It was only ONE little blog entry... Besides... it's a TWELVE step program... I'm kinda stuck on step one... you ever tried being an atheist in search of a higher power?

Evil Glenn: There's always Satan...

Harv: And again with the shut up, please. So... what's got your knickers twisted this time?

Evil Glenn: Well, it's just a little existential angst about conflicting paradigms and my...

Harv: Can it, Hamlet. Cut to the chase.

Evil Glenn: I thought you could help me with my New Year's resolution to be more compassionate in 2005.

Harv: Why me?

Evil Glenn: Because you're the #1 Google hit for it.

Harv: "Compassionate"?

Evil Glenn: Well... "compassionate penguin porn"...

Harv: I was WONDERING how that one got in my referer logs. So... whaddya wanna know?

Evil Glenn: How do I stop being such a vile, ruthless, despicable bastard?

Harv: Lawyer.

Evil Glenn: Exactly. I want to be more thoughtful, loving, caring, and vaguely effeminate, like you.

Harv: Vaguely effeminate?

Evil Glenn: OK, not so vaguely. Are you going to help me or not?

Harv: Not if you're going to be insulting.

Evil Glenn: FINE! Grossly effeminate! Now make with the helpity-help!

Harv: That's better. And you just got your first lesson. When seeking assistance, ask nicely. Write that down.

Evil Glenn: OK. Ask... nicely... Then what?

Harv: Next you've got to change some of your... bad habits. No more blending puppies.

Evil Glenn: But I need the energy!

Harv: That's why God created cocaine. Next... stop murdering hobos.

Evil Glenn: But how will I appease Satan's blood-lust so that I can stay on top of the Ecosystem?

Harv: That's another thing. No more worshipping Princes of Darkness. Now, I don't expect you to go cold turkey, but try something a little less evil.

Evil Glenn: Karl Rove?

Harv: I said LESS evil!

Evil Glenn: Rumsfeld?

Harv: Actually, I was thinking Condi Rice, but that's a start. Now... about your choice of footwear...

Evil Glenn: What?... You've got a problem with Birkenstocks & knee-high Hello Kitty socks?

Harv: Do you want my help or not?

Evil Glenn: Yeah, yeah... pink pumps with little sparklies?

Harv: They're not open toe, are they?

Evil Glenn: No

Harv: They'll do.

Evil Glenn: Next I suppose you'll want me to stop punching Frank J.?

Harv: HELL no. You can smack him around 'till the cows come home. If he's incapacitated, I get to guest post at IMAO.

Evil Glenn: That doesn't sound very compassionate...

Harv: Hey! I'm the one giving the advice! You just keep taking notes!

Evil Glenn: ... just sayin', is all...

Harv: Anyway, one more thing and you be as vaguely effeminate...

Evil Glenn: Grossly effeminate...

Harv: Whatever... as me. You need to give up penguin porn.

Evil Glenn: Give up... oh... no... no, no, no. We shan't be doing that.

Harv: Sorry, Glenn. The road to compassion travels not through penguinperv.com.

Evil Glenn: But... But... I just CAN'T give it up! Those stubby wings... that sensuous waddle... those silky little feathers... I... mmmm... oooohhh... feathers... yes... YES!

Harv: Glenn... what are you doing?

Evil Glenn: Uh... I gotta go...

[click]

Well, I don't know what was so important that Glenn couldn't hang around...

But I have noticed a lot of hits for "penguin latex furry handcuffs" in my referer logs lately...

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

[hat tip to Sally of Whimsy Capricious for the pointer to "Evil Glenn's" post]

Posted by: Harvey at 12:27 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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