(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

The Presidential debates are coming up, and I'm tired of those softball questions they keep asking, like "what's your favorite color?" and "do you prefer boxers or briefs?" It's time to get serious and ask important questions, like:

For Kerry:

Your wife, Teresa, keeps saying embarrassing things on the campaign trail, making you look bad and dragging down you poll numbers. Is she actually Karl Rove in drag, and, if so, how does this affect the performance of her "wifely duties"?

You have been accused of waffling on the Iraq issue, as well as everything else. How do you respond to this charge? Please give only one answer.

Is your new orange hue an attempt to bring diversity to your otherwise lily-white campaign, or are you merely courting the Oompa-Loompa vote?

How do you plan to convince the French to send troops to Iraq? Also please explain how their Crack Surrender Squad is a more effective fighting force than a division of American Marines.

You have said that you want to free America from its dependence on foreign oil. Doesn't Bush's war in Iraq already accomplish that by stealing Iraq's oil, thus making it non-foreign?

You want America to be "respected instead of feared". Have you considered the fact that both fearful and respectful terrorists can still attack us, but dead ones can't?

Will your health care program include free Botox injections? Just askin'.

The Swift Boat Veterans for Truth have been airing some very strongly worded attack-ads against you. Will you retailiate by shooting them in the back and stealing their rocket launchers?

And just to be fair, a couple for the President:

Your credentials for fighting the War On Terror are well established, but what are you doing to combat the well-documented monkey menace that currently threatens our nation? Also, do you think your chimp-like ears will help or hinder this endeavor?

If John Kerry is elected President, will you be stealing all the "F" keys from the White House computers?

Here's hoping that Thursday's debate is run cleanly and fairly.

And that Kerry experiences the first of the 4 losses he can expect before November 3rd.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

Posted by: Harvey at 08:12 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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