Filthy Lie Assignment reminder: What was the real reason that Evil Glenn went to visit the Brewerey? due by 11:59pm EDT Friday, July 28th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

Precision Guided Humor Round-up: The Times, They Are A-Changin'

New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: What are Israel's top secret plans for winning their war against Lebanese terrorists?

Posted by: Harvey at 11:22 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

In a cost saving move, the New York Times will soon be printed on smaller sheets of newspaper, and will cut over 1000 jobs.

Apparently blabbing the details of secret anti-terrorism programs isn't the money-maker they thought it would be.

And this is only the beginning of the exciting changes at the Gray Harlot. A number of other cost-saving and revenue-enhancing moves are in the works:

* Eliminating wasteful i-dotting and t-crossing.

* Dumping over-paid reporters and getting news from know-it-all cab drivers.

* Instituting firm "no seconds" policy when hosting DNC fundraising dinners.

* Siphoning ink from New York Post printing presses.

* Hiring street-corner squeegee bums to clean the Times Building's windows, and cutting their harness ropes just as they finish the top floor.

* Switching reporters to a flat salary instead of the current pay-per-lie arrangement.

* Refinancing mortgage on the Times Building and paying off those high-interest Mob loans.

* Switching from regular printer's ink to much darker Hudson River water.

* Explaining to their paperboys that, for a mere $20 a week, they'll "make sure nuthin' bad happens to that nice little bike you're ridin'... which would be a shame".

* Using regular newsprint instead of that fancy, quilted kind.

* Stopping unrealistic "news stories unchallenged by bloggers for 30 minutes, or it's free!" ad campaign.

* Firing their fact-checkers. They just sit on the computer playing solitaire all day, anyhow.

* Cease using William Hung songs as subscription order line hold music.

* Waiting until Democratic candidate bribe checks actually clear the bank before giving endorsements.

* Replacing boring news stories with hilarious "Fun Facts About the 50 States" pieces.

* Which would also increase the paper's overall accuracy quotient.

* Saving on expensive photographer's fees by replacing pictures of President Bush with royalty-free chimpanzee clip-art.

* Replacing ink-wasting word "insurgents" with shorter "dudes".

* Three words - Arthur Andersen Accounting.

Posted by: Harvey at 09:40 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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More CENTCOM press releases:

MND-B SOLDIERS DETAIN TERRORISTS, FIND WEAPONS CACHES & ROADSIDE BOMBS IN BABIL

IRAQI FORCES DIVERT MISSION TO AID CITIZEN IN DISTRESS

MND-B PATROL CAPTURES 6 DETAINEES, UNEARTHS WEAPONS CACHE

IPs, MND-B SOLDIERS SEIZE WEAPONS, DETAIN SUSPECTS

IA, MND-B SOLDIERS CAPTURE WEAPONS, MUNITIONS, 5 DETAINEES

1ST BCT SOLDIERS SEIZE WEAPONS, MUNITIONS

COALITION FORCES CAPTURE TERRORIST AND ASSOCIATE NORTH OF TIKRIT

I relax in the knowlege that these headlines are above the fold in the latest editions of most newspapers around the world.

They ARE, aren't they?

Posted by: Harvey at 09:15 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

I own your heart.
You own mine.
Within the beauty of our love
We are spirits entwined

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

Posted by: Harvey at 09:13 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[Streator, Illinois (also - moustache, beard, and a couple pointy things drawn on Washington)]

After a dozen different people asked him whether he was supposed to be a cat or a devil, George vowed to never again buy his Halloween costume in Streator, Illinois.

Posted by: Harvey at 08:58 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

2) Who teaches Marge how to bowl?

3) What is the name of Marge's bowling ball?

4) Homer gets in trouble when a picture is circulated with him in which exotic dancer?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Posted by: Harvey at 08:46 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I'm signed up for the CENTCOM newsletter, and I get the press releases, too.

Please let me know if you've heard any of these stories from the MSM:

CAMP FALLUJAH, Iraq – Marines from Regimental Combat Team 5’s, 1st Battalion, 25th Marine Regiment, and soldiers from 2nd and 4th Brigade, 1st Iraqi Army Division, rescued three Iraqi hostages in an intelligence-driven operation July 23.

BAGRAM AIRFIELD, Afghanistan – A Coalition patrol killed seven extremists on July 25 after they attacked Coalition forces in the Garmser District of Helmand Province.

There were no Coalition casualties in the fight. The Coalition unit received small arms, rocket-propelled grenade, machine gun and sniper fire from a group of extremists. The Coalition force returned fire, killing five insurgents

BALAD – Iraqi Army forces conducted a pre-dawn raid in Baghdad on July 25, capturing six targeted insurgents, all of whom are believed to be involved in ‘death squad’ activities.

Anyone?

Posted by: Harvey at 01:34 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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1 Nope -- only found them in my CENTCOM email

Posted by: Jo at July 26, 2006 03:45 PM (FTVgZ)

2 I'm glad you're posting these because I would have never known this.

Posted by: michele at July 27, 2006 07:47 PM (prpGV)

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Bloggranddaughter ArmyWifeToddlerMom linked to a site called Shape of a Mother. It's mostly about women who are dealing (either positively or negatively) with the aftermath of what pregnancy does to a woman's body.

Since neither I nor Beloved Wife have borne children, I can't exactly relate, but - as a blogger - I do understand how talking about such things can make you feel better.

If you're a post-pregnant woman, you should probably check the site out, whether for curiosity, comparison, or healing.

Please note that some pictures are of the sort that - were they shown on TV - they'd have blurry areas.

Meanwhile, I found the "Stupid Girl" music video by Pink to be intriging. The tune is catchy, and it's one of the few videos I've seen where the images actually enhance the message of the lyrics (in most music videos I've seen, they're unrelated, at best).

For the record, Beloved Wife made the same choice as the little girl in the video.

My final thought relates to the title of this post. For every flaw, there is a fetish. Stretch marks are no exception. I quote:

Please tell Stripes, the woman with stretch marks who's looking for someone with a stretch-mark fetish, that we actually do exist. I'm afraid that Im happily married, but if I'm into stretch marks, someone else out there must be. I'm also into other minor scarring, as well.

No matter WHAT you look like, there's a guy who will think you're hot because of it.

You might already be married to him.

Posted by: Harvey at 01:27 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Over at Drunken Wisdom.

Posted by: Harvey at 06:55 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

I am a sailor, you're my first mate
We signed on together, we coupled our fate
Hauled up the anchor, determined not to fail
For the heart's treasure, together we set sail
With no maps to guide us, we steered our own course
Rode out the storms when the winds were gale force
Sat out the doldrums in patience and hope
Working together, we learned how to cope.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

Posted by: Harvey at 06:17 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(dollar colored in blue)]

After losing yet another presidential election in 2008, the states that went Democrat seceded and issued their own currency.

Posted by: Harvey at 06:16 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

2) Who daydreams that Bart will someday become impaled on her Pulitzer Prize?

3) According to Apu, who designed Marge's hair?

4) What role does Homer get in the Springfield Bicentennial Parade?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Posted by: Harvey at 06:11 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Brian J. Noggle

plus

Heather Noggle

equals

James Raymond Noggle

Yeah, I'm 3 weeks late on this. Now quit guilt-tripping me and go dump some unsolicited parenting advice on the happy couple.

Posted by: Harvey at 10:02 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 yeah, the Mrs. even noticed you were commenting less often. I just figured you didn't love us anymore. Blog-parent negligence. Tsk tsk.

Posted by: gamongrel at July 25, 2006 05:03 PM (G3jkI)

2 that or you'd gone under the knife. Hmmm what kind of cosmetic surgery could Harv possibly think he'd need? A third hand? Nah, he's got plenty of hands to handle that job himself. Another eye? Nah, he loses focus easily enough already. A third leg? It would help him stagger home more easily after happy hour. A boob job! That's it.

Posted by: Gamongrel at July 25, 2006 05:07 PM (G3jkI)

3 Harv went in for a boob reduction... now he's only four feet tall.

Posted by: That 1 Guy at July 25, 2006 09:34 PM (8pWv9)

4 Okay I knew they had to have had the baby by now, and I was just over perusing Brian's blog a little while ago, but didn't have time to go looking for the announcement. Thanks for the update Harvey. Man I wish I could keep up with all my blog reading. It's been a challenge lately.

Posted by: Teresa at July 26, 2006 12:59 PM (o4pJS)

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Pam of Pamibe is concerned that her daughter might find some nekkid pictures that are floating around her house, and worries that seeing her old man in the raw might scar her for life.

Yeah, that IS something to think about.

My suggestion is that - if you have nekkid photos - scan them, keep them on your computer, and burn the originals.

But what if your kids paw through your hard drive?

Just go into your anti-virus software folder, and create a new folder labelled "Virus Data File Quarantine". Keep the pictures there.

For added protection, name the pictures something like "Virus93876exe.jpg", just in case the kiddies do a hard drive search for "*.jpg".

Posted by: Harvey at 09:48 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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1 Good advice, thanks! I've already shredded one picture, but can't find the rest... If you were a nekkid picture, where would you be?

Posted by: pam at July 25, 2006 01:45 PM (l6NIn)

2 In the bedroom. That's where I'd be. Look inside the books or files in your bedroom.

Posted by: Michele at July 25, 2006 02:00 PM (BN/Fu)

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In theory, this should work.

Check Google Zeitgeist, find out what the most popular search terms are, then blog about them.

If you blog intelligently about these topics instead of just tossing the phrases in randomly, you might actually have people bookmark you as being hip & trendy.

Just like the all nude Avril Lavigne.

Posted by: Harvey at 06:06 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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While sorting through my archives, I realized 2 things:

1) Not all of my "Fun Facts About the 50 States" posts were in the "Fun Facts About the 50 States" category.

2) I never posted the Director's cut of "Fun Facts About Arizona".

Both those problems have been solved, although I took the liberty of backdating Arizona so that the category remains in alphabetical order.

Posted by: Harvey at 06:02 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

This week, it's time to take a corn-tastic trip to Nebraska, so let's get started...

Nebraska became the 37th state on March 1st, 1867. It would've become a state during the Civil War, but it was fat and wore glasses, so neither side wanted it on their team.

The state flower of Nebraska is goldenrod, which should not be confused with any similarly-sounding James Bond or Austin Powers movies.

The powdered soft drink Kool-Aid was invented in Hastings, Nebraska, and was originally sold by travelling salesmen who would kick down people's doors and shout, "OH YEAH!!!"

The tradition of planting trees on Arbor Day started in Nebraska City, Nebraska as a cheap way of marking the numerous graves of Kool-Aid salesmen.

The state motto of Nebraska is "Corn, college football, and... um... more corn".

40% of the munitions used in WWII had to be manufactured at the Naval Ammunition Depot in Hastings, Nebraska, since the rest of the state was rooting for Hitler.

The world's largest indoor rainforest is the Lied Jungle in Omaha, Nebraska, but it's currently closed to tourists because Daryl Hannah keeps climbing the trees and flinging poo at people.

Nebraska's Ogala aquifer is the world's largest underground water supply. It's estimated to contain about 800 million gallons of water - about the same as Natalie Maines.

Nebraska is the only state in the US with a unicameral (one house) legislature, which is currently evenly divided between the Feed Corn and Sweet Corn Parties.

Nebraska was the first state to complete its segment of the nation's Interstate Highway system, due to its citizens near-insatiable hunger for something to do besides watch the corn grow, i.e. watching concrete solidify.

Nebraska's phenomenal corn production is due to a combination of modern irrigation techniques and good old-fashioned human sacrifice.

The 9-1-1 emergency phone system was first developed in Lincoln, Nebraska as a replacement for their old emergency communications system of having hobbits light signal fires to call the Riders of Rohan.

Nebraska's famous landmark "Chimney Rock" was recently sold to the Pfizer corporation and is now known as "Viagra Point".

Omaha, Nebraska is home to the world's largest coffee pot. While there, remember to tip the world's largest waitress.

Kearny, Nebraska is located exactly halfway between Boston and San Francisco. This does NOT make it homophobic. Don't be so sensitive.

Marlon Brando's mother gave Henry Fonda acting lessons at the Omaha Community Playhouse. Unfortunately, she neglected to give him lessons on raising kids not to be commie-loving traitors.

The world's largest Wooly Mammoth specimen was found in Lincoln County, Nebraska. If its skin were stretched to its full size, it would cover enough area to make a thong for Michael Moore.

The Mutual of Omaha Insurance Company's corporate office has 7 full floors of underground offices, in one of which the Architect awaits Neo.

The Nebraska Cornhuskers college football team made a NCAA record 35 consecutive bowl appearances. 36, if you count the "Still Looking For A Corporate Sponsor - [Your Name Here] Bowl".

The world's first college course about Rush Limbaugh is taught at Nebraska's Bellvue University. Topics include "Barking Moonbats - When To Hang Up" and "Things Not To Take On A Plane".

Nebraska gets its name from the Oto Indian word "nee-ba-sah", meaning "Are you SURE we're not still in Iowa?".

The world's largest porch swing is located in Hebron, Nebraska. It can seat 25 adults, or Michael Moore in a Wooly Mammoth thong.

The Fur Trading Museum is located near Blair, Nebraska. Just take Highway 75 north from Omaha, then follow the wet pelt smell.

The University of Nebraska - Lincoln campus boasts America's largest weight room. It covers 3/4 of an acre and is currently celebrating its second full day of being steroid-free.

Oops... Nevermind...

Nebraska's 1986 Governor's race was the first in the nation to feature two women running against each other. Sadly, the final vote tally was not close enough to trigger the Jello-wrestling tie-breaker.

Buffalo Bill held his first rodeo in North Platte, Nebraska, which - contrary to popular rumor - was NOT catered by Hannibal Lecter.

Father Edward Flanagan founded Boys Town in Omaha, Nebraska, in 1917. To this day, it remains one of the few places in America not infected with girl-cooties.

Dancer Fred Astaire was born in Omaha, Nebraska, although he had to leave the city after Ginger Rogers gave him cooties.

Gerald Ford was born in Omaha, Nebraska, and was the only US President to hold the office without having been elected to it - blatherings by Gore and Kerry to the contrary notwithstanding.

---

That wraps up the Nebraska edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week it's all about the drinkin', gamblin', and whorin', because we're off to Nevada.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go watch some concrete solidify... WOO-HOO!!!

Posted by: Harvey at 05:51 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

Have you ever met a woman
That inspires you to love
Until your senses all feel with her?
You inhale her
You taste her
You see your unborn child in her eyes,
And you know that your heart
Has at last found its home
Your life begins with her
And without her it surely comes to an end...

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

Posted by: Harvey at 05:34 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[If you find this $ you will have good luck 4 7 yrs.]

DAMMIT! I ordered one of those "beat the urinalysis" kits, and they sent me this!

Posted by: Harvey at 05:33 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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(Introduction)

2) When Krusty got busted, what magazine called him "Krook Of The Year?"

3) Which author is sold at Books! Books! and Additional Books! by the pound?

4) When Homer thought he was dying, what was #10 on his things-to-do list?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Posted by: Harvey at 05:31 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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