July 25, 2004
[macho up side down]
As a follow up to the popular State Quarters program, the Treasury release the first in its new series of "Xtreme Sports Dollars", featuring "Mad Skillz Snowboard Dude".
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11:19 PM
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She took the lyrics to the song "Here for the Party" by Gretchen Wilson and linked up pertinent phrases to appropriate posts. Some of the combinations are just screamers.
My favorites would be the last two "gonna get me some" links, but there's plenty more.
"Pick-up lines". Heh. I'd forgotten about that one :-)
Oh, and be sure to click on Gretchen's name, because it takes you to her site, where they play a 30 second clip of the song in question, so you can kinda sing along as you go.
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11:11 PM
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Posted by: Harvey at
10:51 PM
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How exactly does Mr. Ice Cream Man here expect to enlighten people by making an effigy of the president? Does he think people are going to see it and go, "Holy crap, you're telling me Bush lied?! I haven't heard that yet! I will now dedicate my life to fighting the evil neocons!!!"Seriously, what do you fargin' morons hope to accomplish with these little stunts?
Good question.
I suspect the reason they do it is that they hope people will look at them and say "WOW! Look at how purely insane these people are acting. There must be SOMETHING wrong with Bush for them to be THAT upset. [shrug] Where's my Playstation?"
Then November comes along and all they remember is that they once thought "SOMETHING is wrong with Bush", so they vote Kerry.
Anyway, that's my theory about their theory.
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10:44 PM
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You are what happened when I wished upon a star.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
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01:10 AM
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Meanwhile, I'd like to invite all his blogsiblings (and any assorted additional trouble-makers who feel like having fun, like that bad influence Eric) to stop by the comments to this post of Johnny-Oh's and... well... YOU know... ;-)
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12:17 AM
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Now I will thank him:
Chili's "Baby Back Ribs" jingle.
"Who Let the Dogs Out"
"We Will Rock You"
Kit-Kat candy-bar jingle ("Gimme a Break ...")
"Mission Impossible" theme
"YMCA"
"Whoomp, There It Is"
"The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
"It's a Small World After All"
Don't ever do that to me again, T1G.
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12:06 AM
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July 24, 2004
The crappy thing about news organizations, is that they frequently require you to waste your existence registering your information on their site before you can read the crappy article you were only mildly interested in anyway.
Fortunately, Bug Me Not gives away working usernames & passwords to these sites, so you don't have fork over squat to the privacy-invading jackals of - not to point any fingers here - The New York Times.
But the best part? Via Gerard of American Digest, I got a gander at Bug Me Not's "user registration page". Here's the intro:
To help us create a "better online experience" for our visitors we require certain types of users to register.If you are an employee, partner, affiliate or legal representative of any site which enforces compulsory user registration than we require you to complete our registration process. It costs nothing to register and will only take a moment.
Registration must be completed prior to using any resource of bugmenot.com including viewing pages or emailing the site operators. Failure to do so constitutes a breach of our Terms of Use and non-authorization to use this site. Our server logs don't lie.
If you're not wiping tears of laughter out of your eyes by the time you get to the bottom of this questionnaire, then you probably work for a news organization.
It's about 2-3 minutes. Enjoy.
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11:16 PM
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Episode 1 - a man's got needs
Episode 2 - fire down below
Episode 3 - separation anxiety
About 30 seconds of reading apiece, and well worth the time.
Ironically, you should NOT be drinking coffee when you read these.
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11:02 PM
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I'd also like to buy insurance for the inevitable time when your heart gets ripped out from your chest and the person you loved so much stands there gnawing at it and spitting pieces onto the floor while stepping on them and smashing the masticated chunks under their feet - the whole time saying "it's not you, I just need my space" - meanwhile you're just standing there feeling about 3 inches tall but wanting to scream; "YOUR A LIAR!! YOU'RE [F******] LYING YOU PIECE OF SHIT! I HATE YOU, EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU AND I'M NEVER GONNA LOVE ANYONE ELSE BECAUSE OF HOW YOU [F****D] ME OVER YOU LOUSY PIECE OF SHIT!!!" But your mouth is dry, and you make lip movements like a fish out of water - just "mou" .. "mou" - eventually croaking out an "OK" or "I see" - followed up with "Well, I'll talk to you later then." And slowly you shuffle away, trying not to cry, but not certain how to walk. Kinda swimming in air, hoping nothing happens that requires you to do anything about it. God forbid you should have to look at anyone 'cause you'd be certain they would see into the horrible pain searing through your chest, making it feel heavy yet hollow at the same time.Worse yet is when you have to sit in the same room with this demon-child, finishing out whatever you were doing, unable to leave after having all of the emotion drained out of you like so much water from a leaking balloon - you have to sit there, breathing is much too difficult, yet it still happens, damnit all, stupid breathing just stop I don't wanna breathe no more, it hurts too much now - it hurts to see, breathe, smell - ohhh, that f-ing smell - the scent, I used to love it - now *gag* .. I don't wanna lose my lunch .. I don't have the energy to puke anyhow .. I just wanna go curl up into a ball and die .. This sucks .. I hate people .. I've gotta get outta here - So you get up - gee, weak legs too - good thing the table is there to steady me, hopefully no one saw it, gosh, I'm sweating, that's nice .. I'll just wander off to the bathroom .. maybe I can curl up and die there .. how long do you think I can hide before someone comes looking? What difference does it make? This sucks.
Oh, uh, sorry, got a little carried away on a side-track there...
Anyways, can I get an insurance policy for when that happens? huh?
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10:27 PM
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that building was much more than just a barn... it was his bastion... his hideaway.... his workshop... his solitude.... my Father and I were the same in that aspect.... we have a basic need for a safe place... a place that is our own... not to be shared... a place to display our trophies.. antlered heads... turkey beards.... military unit photographs... university diploma... autographed photo of a topless Halle Berry.... whatever it is that reminds us of the road we've traveled.... needful things, I think.... things that we've collected over time... signposts to our past... mementos of battles won, or lost...... each of us needs a sanctuary... be it a barn... a blogroom... a bar... under the shade tree in the front lawn... or, just inside a good book... we all need a place that is ours alone... at least I do...
Eric is SO right about that. I'm not sure if it's strictly a guy thing, but I do know that having a sanctuary is VERY important for me. It was also one of the hardest things for me to explain to Beloved Wife.
When I was a bachelor, I lived alone and always had time and opportunity to think and reflect in solitude whenever the urge struck. After I got married and moved in with Beloved Wife, I still had that need, but fulfilling it was a dicey proposition at first.
When I have something troubling me, I like to be alone with my problem, mull it over, wrestle with it, think it through, and, once I have a possible solution, I'm ready to talk about it.
Beloved Wife has an entirely different strategy. She likes to have me there during the mulling-over process. She enjoys the support offered by my presence.
So when she bumped up against my solitary problem-solving style, she was quite hurt and offended. She thought that my wanting to be alone meant that I was shutting her out, that I didn't want her involved in my life, and that perhaps I didn't even love her as much as she thought.
Ouch.
Fortunately, I came across a passage in John Gray's "Men Are From Mars, Women are From Venus" that explained the concept of "the cave". Basically that men have a need to retreat into solitude from time to time to deal with their problems alone and are simply "not available" to a woman during this time. If a woman tries to follow a man into his cave and pull him out instead of waiting for him to come out on his own, he may emerge, but he'll hold it against her. A smart woman will wait until her man is done.
After reading that, Beloved Wife accepted the fact that my need for solitude was merely an aspect of who I am, and not a reflection on my feelings for her. She was willing to give me space when I needed it, and our marriage is better for that adjustment. In fact, sometimes when I'm irritable, she'll even kick me outside with the dogs for a while so I can get some "cave time", because she knows that when I come back in, I'll be feeling better and I'll actually BE THERE with her instead of being lost in my own inner turmoil.
That sort of understanding is one of the best gifts I've ever been given.
Have I mentioned lately how much I love this woman?
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10:12 PM
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I already covered the traffic issue, so I'll only add that building regular readership takes time. Traffic spikes from the heavy hitters come and go, but building your readership baseline is strictly a matter of persistence.
Getting more comments has it's own set of issues. The biggest one is time. Blog readers are often busy and probably have a large list of blogs they intend to visit every day. Leaving a comment is a time commitment for the reader, and sometimes there simply aren't the minutes to spare to wait for the comment window to open and then type, type, type, proofread, correct, type, post. As a blog-host, understand that a lack of comments doesn't necessarily mean a lack of love or readership.
Knowing that your readers are probably in a hurry, consider this technical aspect: How easy is it to use your comments? Do they remember the readers' information from one day to the next? There have been many times that I've not left a comment simply because I didn't feel like typing all my info in AGAIN. And I won't even discuss the misery of having to go to a separate page to log in just to leave a :-) or LOL!
If your blogging software doesn't have user-friendly comments, you might consider using a third party comment service. Haloscan is excellent (and free). You can install that with a tiny pasted bit of code and disable the native comment service. I had to do something like this at my old Bad Money blog for technical reasons, and it worked fine. I chose to leave the Radio comments active so that people could still enjoy stuff attached to the older posts, but I could have just as easily deleted it from the post template code.
UPDATE 2-27-05: ...in the outer... shows one way to display Blogger comments after installing Haloscan.
UPDATE 3-20-05: QUICK AND PAINLESS GUIDE TO ADDING HALOSCAN COMMENTS WHILE KEEPING YOUR OLD BLOGGER COMMENTS VISIBLE
For your readers, the great thing about Haloscan comments is that, once they sign in on ANY blog with Haloscan comments, they will be remembered on every other blog that uses Haloscan. Very convenient.
Once your comments work well, how do you get people to use them? Outside of being very popular or very controversial, it's hard to say, but I have a few notions for encouraging them.
End your post with a question: People leave comments when what you've written sparks an idea in their heads. Asking a question makes the reader answer it, and probably makes them think up a "why" to justify that answer. Since it's skull-floating anyway, there's a good chance it'll get typed up. See this post as an example.
ASK for comments to your post: A more direct version of the above suggestion. See this post for an example. Sometimes shyer readers don't realize that bloggers LOVE comments, and they're hesitant to say anything, even though they have an urge. Inviting them in so many words can tip the balance for an indecisive reader.
Keep your posts to a single subject: Although it's easy to get caught up in your own stream of consciousness and range over a variety of topics, it's often only a single point you make that a reader will want to respond to. If you go off on other tangents, the reader may feel like his comment isn't really "on-topic" and may decide not to leave it. This is not to say that long, rambling posts aren't perfectly ok - they most certainly are - it's just that they're not as comment-encouraging.
Then there's the more indirect approach. These techniques might not yield immediate results, but they help develop a more talkative readership.
Comment on reader's comments: When people leave comments, reward them with a little attention by leaving a comment of your own that responds to what they said. Positive feedback is always appreciated.
Comment on other people's blogs: Reciprocation is the norm in the blogosphere. If you leave comments for other people, you'll get them in return.
Blog about your reader's comments: One of the biggest thrills for a reader is to see that something they said inspired its very own post. It's VERY flattering. I don't suggest that you try to FORCE an entry if you're not truly inspired, but if a comment is particularly stimulating, why not put it on stage with a spotlight?
Finally, there's one more thing you can do, but use it with caution:
Whine about how you never get comments: If you're really sick of seeing "comments(0)", put up a pouty, tantrum-filled post about how hurt your feelings are. The risk here is that these posts often get linked elsewhere, and you may get bombarded with all kinds of weird stuff by quirky-humored bloggers.
I should end here, but I suppose that, for the sake of completeness, I should mention that you can always go the melodramatic route and threaten to quit blogging, just to get people to beg you not to go. Not that anyone actually does that sort of thing.
UPDATE 5-24-05: [If you've found this post useful enough to blog about, send a trackback or e-mail the permalink to me at harvolson-at-gmail.com and I'll add you to my Bad Example Groupies blogroll. See this post for details]
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10:04 PM
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I was going to pick on her for having a babeless blogroll, but then I checked my original Blogspot blogroll, and it was solid testosterone.
I suspect it's because, statistically, women will blog more about their lives, and men will blog more about news & politics.
I guess that originally I came to blogs as an alternative to lefty media bias, and discovered the personal side later.
Am I alone on this?
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11:30 AM
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But I do have a question: If you're on a plane with a bunch of suspicious-looking Arab guys, what's the best approach, assuming you're not armed?
Part of me says, sit quietly with a pen in your hand, ready to jam it in the nearest Arab eye socket if something goes down.
Another part of me says, make a fuss. Go over to Mohammed and say LOUDLY, "Excuse me, but I couldn't help noticing that you're acting VERY suspiciously. Are you trying to build a bomb in the bathroom? It sure as hell LOOKS like it, and I'm not the only one who's noticed. In fact every passenger on this plane is on the verge of beating the crap out of you and tying you to your seat for our own peace of mind. Just thought you should know."
Frankly, I'm torn.
UPDATE 7-24-04 11PM: I strongly encourage reading the comments on this one, as there are some excellent and practical suggestions.
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10:59 AM
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This is just too cool. These are the guys that do that SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS cartoon that gets linked at the bottom of every one of my Precision Guided Humor pieces.
If you've never checked them out, now would be a good time.
Come on, they make single panel political cartoons. Take you all of 5 seconds to read. And for once you'll be nodding your head instead of gritting your teeth when exposed to the genre.
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12:15 AM
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July 23, 2004
Being in love is like having a heart-on!
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
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11:24 PM
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Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Glenn's Law
New Filthy Lie Assignment: Who is Evil Glenn's sidekick?
A couple non-assignment-related Filthy Lies
Late PGH: Equal Time Bumper Stickers
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10:43 PM
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I stopped into Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon for a cold one after work and was greeted with the Bartender's usual warmth and civility:
Harv: Hey Bartender, how's it goin'?
[WHOOSH! THUNK!]
Harv: Bartender, you seem to have dropped your hatchet. Must've taken a funny bounce, because it landed in the door right next to my head.
Bartender: You miserable son of a bitch! I turned my back for 5 seconds and you threw another f****** comment party! I just got done fixing the place up from the last one! Look at what you did to my bar! There's dried Reddi-Wip everywhere! I haven't seen this much scummy, dried-up crap since I watched Fahrenheit 9/11! Gimme my hatchet back so I can kill you good & proper!
Harv: I can't pay my bar tab if I'm dead.
Bartender: I don't care! I... you... uh... Guinness?
Harv: That would be lovely. Look, I'm sorry about the mess. You were out of town, I was thirsty, Eric hopped the bar, things got out of control. You know how it goes.
Bartender: Why is there Hershey's syrup all over the mechanical bull?
Harv: Long story. Just pour the Guinness and I'll help you clean the place up a little. Got an extra putty knife and some rubber gloves?
Bartender: I'm still going kill you.
Harv: Understood. Meanwhile, I'll get scraping. Why don't you turn on the TV just in case there's an important plot point on or something.
Bartender: Dead man. You're a f****** dead man. [click]
TV: I'm Dan Rather. Tonight we'll be talking about the Blogosphere Streamlinification Act, a proposed law that's been heavily lobbied for by Dark Overlord Glenn Reynolds.
Harv & Bartender: EVIL GLENN!
Harv: Quick! Turn it up!
Bartender: You're pretty bossy for a walking corpse.
Harv: Kill, murder, dead, blah, blah, blah... I get the "I'm pissed off" part, already, now just turn up the damn volume!
Bartender: Hope your life insurance is paid up. [turns up volume]
Rather: In the studio with me tonight is Glenn "Evil" Reynolds, the new law's staunchest proponent. Tell me Mr. Reynolds, what's the Blogosphere Streamlinification Act all about?Evil Glenn: Well, Dan, the BS Act, as we like to call it, addresses one of the most irritating issues now plaguing the internet. Now that over 4 million people have their own blogs, there's just too much information floating around. All those big words and dangerous ideas. It's just too confusing. That's why, under the BS act, no blog will be allowed to have any more than it's fair share of links and hits.
Rather: What do you mean by "fair share"?
Evil Glenn: After exhaustive scientic study of the question, based on an in-depth analysis of several dozen sites that do numerical composite digital morphologic studies, we flipped a coin and chose 10.
Rather: 10 links or 10 hits?
Evil Glenn: [flips coin] Hmmm... landed on edge... both, then.
Rather: But as the top blog in the Ecosystem, won't YOU be paying the highest price?
Evil Glenn: Of course. But I'm only doing my part as a good global citizen. We have to focus more on EQUALITY. Not everyone has the time or talent to build up an overwhelming readership the way I did. My only goal is for everything to be fair. No more will people weep helplessly because their blogs suck. Thanks to the BS Act, now EVERYONE will suck.
Rather: It's about time the blogosphere became more like the mainstream media.
Evil Glenn: Exactly
Rather: Well, Mr. Reynolds, that's about all the time we have for...
Evil Glenn: And the best part about the BS act is that, like all the best government programs, it'll have exceptions, quotas, and set-asides for historically oppressed minorities.
Rather: Women, African-Americans, Hispanics...
Evil Glenn: Nah, those ants already do enough snacking on the potato salad of the American picnic. I'm talking the TRULY oppressed.
Rather: Uh... such... as...?
Evil Glenn: Why, the vast and oppressed American sub-culture of puppy-blending, hobo-killing, Satan-worshipping, commie-praising, Robot-dancing, Frank J.-punching, pengosexual, socks-and-sandals-wearing, vampire lawyers with two n's in their first names. Indeed.
Rather: Ummm... and what do THEY get?
Evil Glenn: Well, in order to make up for past discriminations, the aforementioned group gets a link from EVERY blogger, plus all bloggers are required by this new law to visit their pages daily.
Rather: So in other words, you give up absolutely nothing while screwing over the entire blogosphere?
Evil Glenn: Exac... uh... I mean... Dan, I don't mind that you're questioning me over this accidental and inadvertent aspect of the legislation, but I feel obligated to point out that the timing of your leaked opinion is very suspicious. If I were the mistrustful type, I might wonder if you were just now bringing up this point in order to distract the nation from the fact that, at this very moment, Iraq is a miserable failure, and that, even as we speak, Katie Couric is kneeling under your desk and giving you a bl...
Rather: That's REALLY all the time we have tonight. Everybody call your elected representatives and voice your support for that VERY fair and VERY equitable piece of legislation, the Blogosphere Streamlinification Act. I'm Dan Rather. Good night, and have a pleasant OW! DAMMIT, Katie! Watch those teeth!
Harv: You know what this means...
Bartender: That your crappy blog will finally get 10 visitors in a single day?
Harv: Yes, but that's not important now. What matters is that we've got to stop Evil Glenn from screwing up the blogosphere.
Bartender: Why bother? So what if you won't be able to visit some retarded, illiterate, social reject on LiveJournal blogging about her cat? Who gives a shit?
Harv: Not me. But what about blogs heavily saturated with hard-core pornographic pictures?
Bartender: ...Good point... I'll go get the Drunkmobile. You got a plan?
Harv: [grabbing handle & tugging smartly] No, but I've got a hatchet. Let's head to D.C. and stop this madness.
...Several hours later, in Washington D.C....
Sen. Kennedy: Last item on today's agenda: The Blogosphere Streamlinification Act. Let's just vote for this thing like Mr. Reynolds wants us to so we can get the hell out of here.
Sen. Byrd: First, I think we should thank Mr Reynolds [waves flirtily at Evil Glenn] for providing us all with limosines full of cash and hookers for our enjoyment after the vote is completed and the law passes.
Sen. Kennedy: Fine. Whatever. Thanks Mr. Reynolds, you're a true patriot and a model American... yadda, yadda, yadda. Let's get on with this. I haven't had any gin for several minutes now, and if my blood alcohol level falls below fifty, I'll explode. All in favor of the BS Act, say "aye".
[resounding crash of doors being kicked open at the back of the room]
Harv: Vote no or I'll kill this puppy with my hatchet!
Evil Glenn: You FOOL! All these Senators have been bought and paid for. Besides, they're politicians! What the hell do THEY care if innocent lives are lost as a result of their greed and poorly thought out decisions?
Sen. Byrd: Can we PLEASE just vote before Kennedy explodes?
Harv: Shut up! If anyone votes "aye", I'll chop this puppy clean in half.
Evil Glenn: [to himself] Time to "shoot the hostage"... Gimme that goddamn puppy! Why settle for "chop" when you can have "grate", "puree", and "liquefy"? [pulls out Ronco Port-o-Blend-o-Matic and stuffs puppy into it] WHIRRRRRRRR! YIP! YIP! *gurgle*. Now... All in favor, say "aye".
*crickets*
Evil Glenn: What the F*** is the matter with you people? You OWE me!
Sen. Byrd: Look, Glenn, it's not that we don't appreciate the bribes, but we've got an election coming up. Cash & hooker scandals are GOOD for a campaign - look what they did for the Clintons - but puppy blending? That'll cost us the soccer mom vote, and we can't afford that right now.
Sen. Kennedy: Whatever. I need booze. All opposed?
All 100 Senators In Unison: NAY!
Sen. Kennedy: Bill defeated. Let the record show that nobody supported the evil puppy blender's ridiculous Bagofbeer Stompification Act, or whatever the hell it was called. Nothing but mom & apple pie in THESE Senate chambers.
Sen. Byrd: Can I still keep the cash & hookers?
EPILOGUE: [back at Madfish Willie's]
Harv: That went well.
Bartender: Yup. I guess the blogosphere's safe until the next Alliance assignment. Say, can I have my hatchet back now?
Harv: Huh? Oh, sure. Heh. I must've accidentally stuffed it in my sock. How sloppy of me. Here ya go.
Bartender: Thanks... now I can MURDER YOU DEAD!
Harv: WAIT!
Bartender: [pausing with hatchet poised above head] WHAT?
Harv: I forgot to warn you. The handle on that hatchet is getting a little loose. Be careful, 'cuz the head of that thing could fall off at any moment, and...
[CLONK!]
[Bartender slides to floor, unconscious]
Harv: Bartender? Bartender? [holds mirror under Bartender's nose] Eh. He'll be ok... Wonder what's on TV? [click]
Dan Rather: Oh Katie! Oh Katie! Oh Katie! Oh... CRAP! We're back!... This just in:
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
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09:22 PM
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July 22, 2004
I own your heart.
You own mine.
Within the beauty of our love
We are spirits entwined
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
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07:19 PM
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[have a nice day]
As a follow up to the popular State Quarters program, the Treasury released the first in its new series of "Customer Service Cliche Dollars". Coming soon: "How may I help you?" and "Fries with that?".
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07:18 PM
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