(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Some people question the patriotism of the Mainstream Media because of their incessant coverage of American casualties in the War on Terror and the way they'll flock to any random group of smelly hippies if there's a "No Blood For Oil!" sign in their midst.

Or print up a sign for them, if there isn't one handy.

But I don't think that "unpatriotism" is a fair verdict to hand down. They don't make the news, they just report it. It's not like they're actually out shooting our troops in the streets of Baghdad.

Sure, that's only because journalists are pansys who can't muster the umph to cover the 4 pounds of pressure needed to pull a trigger - plus Baghdad doesn't have a Starbucks - but really, they're merely harmless buffoons, and not seditious, unpatriotic traitors.

On the other hand, there IS a serious threat to the patrioticality of America out there, and it's HUMOR BLOGS!

For example:

Iowahawk - Documented to be on Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi's payroll. I mean, why else would he turn down that ham sandwich I offered him?

Day By Day - Keeps American soldiers hostage in his basement as a bargaining chip towards eventual syndication. Fortunately, his foul scheme is hopeless since - as I mentioned above - American newspapers are patriotic.

Cox & Forkum - Draws terrorists as muscley studs while portraying Condi with a beer gut. Yeah... wonder whose side THEY'RE on.

It's A Pundit - Makes snide remarks about rottweilers, which everyone knows to be the patrioticest dog of all.

Lileks - From Minnesota. Which is next to Canada. Which is where cooties come from. And possibly terrorists. But definitely socialized medicine. And cooties.

ScrappleFace - This once-patriotic American loyalist betrayed his country early on in the War by causing the word "weasel" to become associated with the pro-terrorist backstabbery of the French. Once proudly associated with such American traditions as chicken-thieving and the practice of law, weasels are now merely another shameful creature in a beret.

"Gee," I hear you say, "humor blogs DO seem to be a direct threat to the safety and security of all American citizens, but what about IMAO? Isn't that a humor blog, too?"

Yes, but IMAO is the only patriotic humor blog. Look at the IMAO crew, and you see the face of America:

* Frank J: Native-American (well, he WAS born in Florida, so he's technically not an immigrant)
* Harvey: Blasphemous-Unbeliever-American
* RightWingDuck: I'll-Cut-You!-American
* Kevin: Weasel-American
* Spacemonkey: Hayseed-American
* Laurence Simon: Zionist-Conspirator-American
* SarahK: Armed-and-Beauteous-American
* Aquaman: Seafood-American

We're even thinking of breaking Spacemonkey's legs to better represent Crippled Disabled Differently-Abled-Americans.

Hush-hush on that. Monkey doesn't know about it yet.

Meanwhile, I'm pre-emptively denying that this post is just part of a vicious smear-campaign against blogs that will be competing against IMAO in the "Best Humor Blog" category of The 2005 Weblog Awards (voting to begin on December 1st), and I question the patriotism of anyone who says otherwise.

Posted by: Harvey at 09:46 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 511 words, total size 4 kb.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Man, I hope you didn't waste your time watching the World Series. Saddam's trial was a LOT better. Here's part of the transcript:

Jaafar Moussawi (chief prosecuting attorney): I think I'm entitled to them.

Saddam: You want answers?

Moussawi: I want the truth!

Saddam: "You can't handle the truth!...Son, we live in a world that has Kurds, and those Kurds have to be killed by men with mustard gas. Who's gonna do it?... You?... Some Jew named Weinberg?

I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for the Kurds and you curse the Baath Party. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that gassing those Kurds to death, while tragic, probably put me in the lead in Laurence Simon's Dead Pool. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, keeps President Bush OUT of the lead in Laurence Simon's Dead Pool.

You don't want the truth because, deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me to gas Kurds... you need me to gas Kurds.

I use words like mass murder, slaughter, genocide. I use these words as the backbone of a life spent killing people. You use them as a criminal charge.

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who will make a fortune selling the movie rights to the story of this trial and then questions the manner in which I killed the Kurds that made this trial possible! I would rather you just said "Allah Akbar!" and went on your way. Otherwise I suggest you pick up some mustard gas and kill some Kurds. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to."

Moussawi: Did you gas those Kurds?

Saddam: (quietly) I did what I needed to do to get ahead in Laurence Simon's Dead Pool.

Moussawi: Did you gas those Kurds?

Saddam: YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!

Posted by: Harvey at 02:45 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 361 words, total size 2 kb.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Some high-up Al-Qaeda nutjob wrote a letter to his superior Al-Qaeda nutjob proposing a "plan" for the future of Islamofascism:

The first stage: Expel the Americans from Iraq.

The second stage: Establish an Islamic authority or amirate, then develop it and support it until it achieves the level of a caliphate- over as much territory as you can[...]

Which - in terms of practicality - greatly resembles the Underpants Gnomes plan:

1) Collect underpants
2) ???
3) Profit!

or in this case:

1) Get blown up by Americans
2) ???
3) Establish Caliphate!

It's a good start, but maybe they should consider streamlining it a bit:

1) Get blown up by Americans
2) Die

MUCH better.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

Posted by: Harvey at 02:58 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 134 words, total size 1 kb.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Here's a present for all those Islamofascist bastards who spend their time blowing up civilians during their Holy Month:

"Pieg Heil!"

Judging from the hat, I think it's a beardless Osama.

Happy Ramadan, MotherF***ers.

Posted by: Harvey at 07:35 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 47 words, total size 1 kb.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

I heard the terrorists are celebrating their Holy Month by blowing people up.

While I admit that sounds like fun, I can't help but think there's gotta be another way to have a good time.

So, being from Wisconsin, which - except for the Socialists in Milwaukee and the Commies in Madison - is mostly rural and sane, I think the terrorists should take a page from the Big Book of Country Charm and celebrate it more along the lines of a County Fair.

Because fairs are fun!
(see extended entry) more...

Posted by: Harvey at 07:31 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 215 words, total size 3 kb.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Sooner or later, a bunch of smelly hippies will come to your town and try protesting the War, and - also sooner or later - you'll get sick of their mindless sloganeering and decide to take to the streets yourself to protest their protest.

No such thing as too much free speech, ya know.

But you shouldn't go empty-handed. Bring a ClueBat.

This item is useful for "beating sense" into someone whose knowledge of "what's what" ain't quite up to where it ought to be. A versatile device, it comes in several sizes, so be sure to choose the right tool for the right job.

Small

For RINO's like John McCain or Colin Powell, and also as a preventative measure for small children who just don't know any better because they attended a public school.

Large

For politicians who just don't know when to stop talking, like John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, Nancy Pelosi, or anyone in the UN Building (except the Stachemeister, of course).

Extra Pointy

For those with exceptionally thick skulls - Alec Baldwin, Tim Robbins, most hippies.

STFU ALREADY!

For extreme cases - Michael Moore, Cindy Sheehan, Jane Fonda.

And don't forget to read the instruction manual before use:

"Fat end first, dumbass!"

Yes, with these handy tips, you'll soon be doing your part as an American citizen to create a more informed electorate.

Or at the very least, you'll have a good time.

"C'mere hippy! I want to explain my foreign policy..."

Posted by: Harvey at 10:29 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 257 words, total size 3 kb.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Ya just GOTTA figure that - sooner or later - that corrupt, embezzling weasel Kofi Annan will get perp-walked out of the UN building.

Which means they'll have to pick a new Secretary General.

Never hurts to start planning ahead. Bush didn't, and now he's got.... what... seven Supreme Court vacancies to fill?... and he's nominated John Roberts for all of them.

Lack of planning, man... just sad.

Fortunately, I'm on top of things with the UNSG. Here's my short list:

* The SON of Bambi! HE will save us from Godzilla!

* Jesse Jackson - He knows how to unite the many-colored peoples of the world into one happy rainbow. Just like Skittles!

* Mmmm... Skittles...

* Bill Gates - If anyone opposes his mighty will, he can make their computer cr

* Hmmm... must've accidentally opposed Bill Gates.

* An Inanimate Carbon Rod - He's already proved his worth by thwarting the plans of the evil insect overlords.

* Frank J. - The moon will finally get the nuking it so richly deserves.

* Jacques Chirac - Then we'd be able to ignore the UN *and* the French at the same time, thus increasing America's disdainfulness quotient.

* SarahK - She'll make the UN pretty by riddling it with bullets.

* John Bolton

Posted by: Harvey at 08:52 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 268 words, total size 2 kb.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Dozens of terrorist scumbags inmates at the Guantanamo Bay Detention Facility have gone on a hunger strike in an attempt to draw attention to the fact that they're not getting the due process that they're not entitled to because they're not US citizens.

Wait... that doesn't make any sense.

There must be some other reason for the hunger strikes, about which I speculate thusly:

Really pissed off about being served kosher pickles.

We won't even talk about the matzoh balls.

Trying to trick the guards into force-feeding them to satisfy their nasal-tube fetish.

A publicity stunt to get Cindy Sheehan to stop by.

Brad... Jennifer... *sob*... who can eat?

Can't properly flush a Koran using the low-flow toilets in their cells.

They're deathly afraid of hamburgers after having seen "Supersize Me".

After a 30-day interrogation session featuring Beatles music & Dr. Seuss books, they refuse to eat anything except green eggs and walrus.

Not taking a bite until Season 2 of Firefly goes into production.

I might join them for that one.

I'm too broken up about Brad & Jennifer.

Posted by: Harvey at 06:24 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 234 words, total size 2 kb.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Recently the UN offered to assist the US in dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Working through their Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs, the UN has requested that all member nations donate whatever they can. Below is a partial list of current pledges:

Australia - 20 million cans of Foster's, each with a souvenier crocodile-tooth can opener that says "No Worries, Mate".

Belarus - 10 black-market suitcase nukes for beefing up security against looters.

Bolivia - 10,000 bushels of cocaine to keep the rescue workers alert.

Brazil - 1 million coupons good for a free bikini wax.

Canada - one slightly used hockey stick.

China - 1 million cookies with super extra happy cheerful lucky fun fortunes, like "You find dry soon".

Cuba - 1000 flotation devices

France - Haughty, derisive laughter.

Germany - A crate of emergency lederhosen.

Greece - 200 burly, hirsute homosexuals.

Guyana - 1000 barrels of grape Kool-Aid

Iran - 1500 "freedom fighters" with explosive "liberty belts".

Ireland - 750 belligerent drunks.

Jamaica - 50 bales of weed and 1000 Rasta hats.

Japan - This handy instructional shirt-folding video.

Kenya - 50 "Holy Crap. Lions! Tours" busses.

Saudi Arabia - 1 million sandbags (bags not included)

Somalia - Assorted warlords & gunmen.

Sweden - The Bikini Team.

UK - Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam, and spam.

Or maybe he pledged to embezzle $10 billion from the Red Cross. Hard to tell, his English is only so-so.

Anyway, if you've heard of any other pledges, feel free to mention them in the comments.

If you'd like to MAKE a pledge, see the Red Cross.

Posted by: Harvey at 03:25 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 324 words, total size 3 kb.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

A lot of people have tried to blame Hurricane Katrina on President Bush.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr., for example, claims it's because Bush refused to sign legislation reducing CO2 output, thus contributing to global warming and causing chaotic weather patterns, including Hurricane Katrina.

Silly Bobby! George's Katrina connection is far more crafty and subtle than the ham-fisted scenario that you outline. His actual contributions to global warming include such diverse elements as:

* Boiling water to make tea, but not immediately turning off the stove burner afterwards.

* Ordering extra jalepenos with his nachos.

* Allowing Kim Jong Il's poofy hair to trap carbon dioxide - a known greenhouse gas.

* Sure, he made Kim get it cut eventually, but not until AFTER the damage was already done.

* Having two really hot daughters.

Once his negligence allowed Katrina to form, he didn't do anything to prevent it's destructive rampage. Consider:

* He could've lined the Gulf Coast with big fans and blown Katrina down to Cuba - but he didn't.

* He could've ordered the space shuttle to orbit the Earth really fast, thus turning back time so that the hurricane could've been prevented - but he didn't.

* He could've stood atop a levee shouting "By the power of Grayskull, I command you to stop!" - but he didn't.

That's right. He let Hurricane Katrina have free reign to do whatever the hell she wanted!

WHY?

Because hurricanes tend to vote Republican, THAT'S why!

But you'd think Chimpy McBushitler would've at LEAST been smart enough to make the APPEARANCE of helping out after the storm, right?

HA!

* He was overheard praying for God to "take care of those poor people in New Orleans". Apparently he meant "take care of" in the Don Corleone sense.

* Remember that plastic turkey Bush tried serving to the troops in 2003? He could've airdropped thousands of them to the victims to use as flotation devices - but he didn't!

* He was even videotaped casting a spell on the Sorcerer's Broom to carry buckets of water into the city to drown everyone!

(artist's conception of President Bush causing flooding)

But even if all this evidence doesn't convince you, you still can't deny that the following Top Secret photograph proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that George Bush is responsible for Hurricane Katrina:

(Actual picture of President Bush's weather control machine)

Crap! Gotta run! Black helicopters!!!

Don't let Bush get away with this!1!!

Posted by: Harvey at 07:17 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 426 words, total size 3 kb.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

According to modern leftist dogma, the whole reason we went to Iraq is to steal oil. Yet oil's going for nearly $70 a barrel these days.

Since it's obvious that he didn't sell it on the open market, what did W do with all that stolen oil?

My theories:

* Needed supplies for the "Oil-Wrestle Condi" contest.

* Keeps it in his personal refinery so that he has enough gas to drive his International CXT across town if he wants to.

* Dumped it in Boston Harbor as a protest against England's "Texas Tea Tax".

* He's reverse-engineering it to make an army of dinosaurs.

* Sea otters have become tragically non-flammable in recent years. Trend now reversed.

* It's still sitting in Iraq, because Bush is having trouble getting blood for it.

* Bush hopes that if he keeps enough oil for himself, his monkey-faced daughters will grow up to be as pretty as Elly May.

* It's even possible that he didn't steal the oil. Maybe it's just that there are no barrels left to put the oil in because Bush had them made into steelpan drums which he's giving away to boost his poll numbers in the Caribbean-American community.

* However, based on recently acquired satellite images, I'd have to say that it's pretty obvious that he's just hiding it in and around the White House.

(click to enlarge)

Posted by: Harvey at 09:29 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 279 words, total size 2 kb.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Since demanding to speak with President Bush is the hip and trendy thing to do these days, I decided to follow Cindy Sheehan's lead and demand to speak with the President, too, because I want to know:

Who's REALLY sitting in the prison cell in Iraq?

Is it Saddam Hussein?

Or is it actually best selling author Leo Buscaglia, presumably deceased since 1998?

Mr. President, I think the American people deserve to know the truth. All those lies you keep telling us... Please...

Stop.

In the name of Love.

Posted by: Harvey at 09:36 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 111 words, total size 1 kb.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Recently Jeanine Pirro announced her intention to run for Hillary Clinton's Senate seat in 2006. As a patriotic American, I feel it's my duty to support her by offering the following suggestions for campaign slogans:

"Pirro 2006: Won't disgrace herself by showing slide shows of her family reunion set to the tune of 'Dueling Banjos'" (moderately work safe, but hard to justify - via BoingBoing)

"Pirro 2006: She won't dance around the issues."

"Pirro 2006: Never lost a billing record."

"Pirro 2006: Leaving cattle futures to the cowboys."

"Pirro 2006: Her other car ISN'T a broom."

"Pirro 2006: Because sometimes it's just WRONG to wear a bikini"

(click to enlarge)

"Pirro 2006: She can stay awake for an entire State of the Union Address."

(click to enlarge)

"Pirro 2006: Because as far as we know, this is the only thing Hillary stands for."

Posted by: Harvey at 10:40 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 194 words, total size 2 kb.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

My blogless niece Sarah was snooping around my blog recently, saw this week's PGH:

What scandals about themselves are the Mainstream Media trying to keep quiet?

and discovered the answer:

Either ABC killed Peter Jennings, or Osama and Phillip Morris killed Peter Jennings.

Is Barbara Walters next??????

Time will tell

Last I heard ABC owned the patent on cancer.

You heard it here first, folks.

PS Methinks someone needs a blog...

Posted by: Harvey at 06:56 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 80 words, total size 1 kb.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted and slightly modified from IMAO)

Recently a U.N. panel was created to recommend how the Internet should be run in the future. Here are some excerpts from the report:

All internet sites will be approved by the international community, i.e. France, and any site without the official "cheese and beret" seal of approval will have resolutions passed against it.

The United States will enforce these resolutions on behalf of the UN in the face of international disapproval and ingratitude. If successful, must give full credit to France.

Any rapidly propagating viruses that slow down overall internet traffic speed will be blamed on the JOOOOOOOS!

All information posted to the internet will first be fact-checked by the Daily Kos Ministry of Truth.

The following phrases will be banned: "love notes", "graffiti currency", "blog family", "boobies".

What grudge against Bad Example?

Google will change the "Google Search" button on its home page to say "I [heart] the UN"

The "I'm Feeling Lucky" button will become "Oil For Food was a Legitimate Program that Saved Millions of Children from Cruel Starvation due to Unnecessary US Sanctions and NOT a Money Laundering Scheme Designed to Line the Pockets of Corrupt UN Bureaucrats".

All "adult content" web sites will cover naughty bits with little pictures of blue helmets.

All "adult content" sites will be thoroughly reviewed for compliance.

Until the US buys high-speed wireless internet access for all of Africa, everyone gets AOL and dial-up.

Except for those engaged in official UN compliance reviews.

All PayPal transactions must receive approval from Dr. Mbeki Salingo of Nigeria.

All bloggers will display the flags of every nation across the top of their home pages. Violators will be resolutioned.

No bushy moustaches. They frighten us.

And for you power-hungry one-worlders, just three words:

Posted by: Harvey at 03:36 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 364 words, total size 3 kb.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Even with his penchant for plaid pants and his eagerness to wrestle with sweaty, half-naked young men, Supreme Court Nominee John Roberts faced strong criticism from the left for his lack of overt homosexuality.

"When Roberts was first introduced," said butt-sex-loving possibly-closeted-lesbian leftist blogger Wonkette. "I thought that Bush was trying to break ground with the first Gay-American Supreme Court justice. Why else would he give a girl's SCOTUS seat to a guy?"

"But as I looked deeper into his past, I was disappointed. Sure, he was a man-grabbing drama-princess in high school, but he also played football - although that last may have been an excuse to snag an eyeful of locker-room boy-booty."

"I really got my hopes up," continued Wonkette, "when I read that he'd had a role in the musical 'You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown'. I thought that if he played that *ahem* thumb-sucker Linus - you know, the one who kept rebuffing that pretty blond girl, Sally - that would seal the deal on him being light in the loafers. Unfortunately, he played Peppermint Patty."

"I guess I should give him SOME gay-cred for portraying a lesbian, though."

When questioned directly at a recent press conference, Roberts briefly acknowledged his disappointly mild homosexuality.

"Of course I'm gay," said Roberts. "Who wouldn't be festive & cheerful after being nominated to the Supreme Court? But I'll try to contain myself until after the hearings."

Posted by: Harvey at 03:19 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 259 words, total size 2 kb.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

After the terrorist bombings in London, it's become more important than ever for the average citizen to be able to detect crazy Muslims who mean us harm. As a public service to my readers, I offer this simple quiz to help you determine your terrorist-spotting ability. Simply aim your sidearm at the correct answer and pull the trigger. If your monitor doesn't explode, you've chosen correctly:

2) Label on designer suit jacket reads "C4 of Hollywood"
a) Terrorist
b) Worthress Arec Bardwin

3) Towel on head
a) Terrorist
b) Galactic Hitchhiker eluding Ravenous Bugbladder Beast of Traal

4) Swarthy, hirsuite, bearded man with evil glint in his eye and no discernable sense of humor
a) Terrorist
b) Harvey

5) Sneakers have radiation symbol instead of Nike Swoosh
a) Terrorist
b) Merchandising whore Kobe Bryant

6) Makes pet Yorkie wear an explosive cardigan
a) Terrorist
b) Gay terrorist

7) Memorizes Holy Book, flies into murderous rage at slightest hint of blasphemy
a) Terrorist
b) SarahK

Prominently displays crescent moon on front door
a) Terrorist
b) Outhouse

9) Shouts "ULULULULULULULU!"
a) Terrorist
b) Country singer who misses his girlfriend, Lulu

10) Hates dogs
a) Terrorist
b) Terminator

11) Lives in the desert, sleeps in a tent, fires gun in the air at weddings
a) Terrorist
b) Buck the Marine

12) Man wearing long, flowing, badly-fitting dress
a) Terrorist
b) Transvestite

13) Kills innocent people when they least expect it
a) Terrorist
b) Ted Kennedy

14) Tries to smuggle weapons through airport security
a) Terrorist
b) Grandma and her knitting needles

15) Whooping it up at a strip club for a final night of earthly pleasure before his long-awaited entrance into Paradise
a) Terrorist
b) Frank J. at his bachelor party

America's safety depends on you getting a perfect score.

Posted by: Harvey at 06:36 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 351 words, total size 2 kb.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment, cross-posted from IMAO)

After the cowardly attacks in London, the Brits went completely whacking hatstand, plotting bloody vengeance against those what done them wrong.

In their own typical, understated, cultured, and excessively polite English way, the Crown's Tommy's re-doubled their efforts in the Middle East to stick a dagger in the heart of organized Muslim terror.

Amongst the weaponry rapidly deployed against the filthy terrorists were such diverse elements as:

The 20 Megaton Nuclear Crumpet of Mild Inconvenience

The Terribly Sorry About That Old Chap 7.62mm Explosive Sniper Round

The Didn't Mean to Trouble You Electrified Gonad Zapper and Battlefield Intelligence Procurer

The Double-Oh Eyeball Knife

Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Napalm Spam Spam Spam and Spam

The Bit of a Sticky Rocket-Propelled Wicket

The 'Tis But a Scratch Depleted Uranium Bugger the Blighters Bunker Buster Missile

The Not Quite Cricket Cluster Bomb

The Nudge Nudge Say No More Bazooka

And...

A special propaganda bomb containing pamphlets imprinted with a single, multiple choice question:

"Sunny morning, me cheeky monkeys, and quiz me this: What word best describes Osama bin Laden?

A) arse-bandit
B) back scuttler
C) battyboy
D) beaver leaver
E) bender
F) brown hatter
G) buftie
H) bum-chum
I) chutney ferret
J) friend of Dorothy
K) fudge nudger
L) jobby jabber
M) knob jockey
N) marmite miner
O) mincer
P) pillow-biter
Q) poncey
R) poofter
S) shirtlifter
T) uphill gardener
U) all of the above

ANSWER: OO! Sorry! Trick question! The correct answer is "You'll be stone dead in a moment because the bomb after this one won't be filled with paper. Cheerio, ya rammy arse-monger!"

I *do* so love the Brits. Bless them and pray for them, and may their swords forever drip with the blood of Mangy Mohammeds.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

Posted by: Harvey at 08:46 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 316 words, total size 2 kb.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

At a recent White House press conference...

SCOTT MCCLELLAN: Good afternoon. Although I'm usually the one who has to handle questions from you journalistic jackals, President Bush has informed me that I'm not being aggressive enough with my responses, and he'll be handling the briefing today... Mr. President?

W: And you're too damn fat, too. Now, in order to encourage more respectful questions, I'll be instituting a program of rewards and punishments as a way of giving you feedback on your level of professionalism. Ok, who wants to go first?

ABC: Why is murdering journalists the official policy of the US Armed Forces?

W: I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Could you please step a little closer to the podium?

ABC: Sure... How's that?

W: Perfect... [presses button opening trap door]

ABC: EEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

W: Since that pit has no bottom that I'm aware of, I should just go ahead & take the next question...

CBS: As CBS proved last year, you went AWOL from the National Guard. When will you be surrendering yourself for prosecution by a military tribunal?

W: Now THAT was a fair and balanced question. Here... have this cookie as your reward...

CBS: Tofu! My favorite! [munch, munch]

W: Now... you can either have the answer to your question or the antidote to the poison in the cookie.

CBS: I... [THUD!]

W: Hmmm... that recipe needs some fine-tuning... NEXT!

NBC: NAZI! Why don't you just grow a postage-stamp moustache and goose-step around the Oval Office?

W: Does the phrase "dodged a bullet" mean anything to you? [BLAM! BLAM!... THUD!]... guess not... Next question.

CNN: Could you please give us details on how you let Iraq turn into such a quagmire, and also, when ARE you going to grow that moustache, Hitler?

W: Good question. The answer is, the venom of a black mamba can kill a human being in four hours if, say, bitten on the ankle or the thumb, However, a bite to the face or torso can bring death from paralysis within 20 minutes.

CNN: I don't understand how that relates to...

W: You will... [pulls rope releasing a shower of black mambas from the ceiling]

CNN: AAH! AAH! OH GOD! MY FACE! AAAAAAAH!

W: Anyway, let me check with my research team and I'll get back to your question in about 20 minutes... NEXT!

MSNBC: Do you have an exit strategy for ending the unilateral occupation of Iraq that you're only doing to steal oil because you lied about WMD as proven by the Downing Street Memo?

W: Well, as Rummy explained some time ago, it's more of a victory strategy than an exit strategy. The key to it is that we're adopting Zell Miller's "spitball" techniques. Let me show you... *spitooie!*

MSNBC: OW! MY EYE! I'M BLIND!

W: No, you're only half-blind... *spitooie!*

MSNBC: OW! MY OTHER EYE!

W: NOW you're blind... NEXT!

REUTERS: How do you sleep at night knowing that the blood of millions of innocent Iraqi civilians is on your hands?

W: Well, I find that being mauled by pit bulls is quite conducive to relaxation... See for yourself... [whispering to Scott] release the hounds...

[*barking, chewing, screaming*]

W: Can we get a mop in here?... Now, who's next?

[silence]

W: I guess that wraps this thing up... still plenty of cookies left if you guys are hungry.

ALL REPORTERS: YAY! FREE FOOD!

W [to Scott, as they leave the room together]: Lord help them, they're just not. That. Bright.

SCOTT: They did major in journalism...

W: Touché

SCOTT: We're gonna need some help removing all these bodies...

W: Yeah... maybe we can get that guy who handled all of the Clintons' corpse-related issues. You know... that Gollum-looking fella...

SCOTT: James Carville?

W: That's the one.

SCOTT: He's a pretty staunch Democrat. I don't think he'll help us.

W: Persuade him...[hands Scott some Polaroids]

SCOTT: Is that a llama that he's...?

W: See if he'll take those as payment.

SCOTT: Very good, Mr. President... [hurrys away]

W: I love press conferences... [strolls down the hall whistling "Yellow Rose of Texas"]

Posted by: Harvey at 08:33 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 651 words, total size 5 kb.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

With all the hubbub about terrorists being tortured at Gitmo, the pansy Republicans agreed to shut down the detention facilities.

Not wanting to be accused of exacerbating the homeless problem, they started handing out government grants to encourage the creation of private detention facilities.

I checked it out - $50 per month per terrorist. That's some sweet cash!

So I figured I'd make a little money on the side by starting my own concentration camp, "Harv's House O' Happy Hebrew-Haters". All I had to do was keep these wacky Muslims from either escaping or complaining to Amnesty International and I'd make enough money to get that cool new PornStation Portable I'd had my eye on.

It seemed like a good idea at the time, but - as you can tell from the security tape excerpts - it... could've gone better...

ABDUL: AIEEEEE! Stop torturing me with that horrible noise!

HARV: (muttering) Crap! There's the "T" word! I'll never get my PSP if word of this gets out! (normal voice) But it's "Mecca and the Mohammeds!" It's got all those twangy sitars and people going "ULULULULULU!" that you jihadis like so much.

ABDUL: You KNOW what I want to hear...

HARV: But...

ABDUL: SING, infidel!

HARV [in best Britney voice]: Oops!...I did it again
I played with your heart, got lost in the game
Oh baby, baby
Oops!...You think I'm in love
That I'm sent from above
I'm not that innocent...

HARV: In order to obtain your "Civilized Human Being" certification, you have to complete several excercises. The first is to write "I will not blow people up" 1000 times on this chalkboard.

JAMAL: 100 times.

HARV: 500.

JAMAL: 50.

HARV: You're supposed to go UP, not DOWN, you idiot!

JAMAL: You called me a name! I'm telling Amnesty International!

HARV: Fine. 50. Here's your chalk.

JAMAL: TORTURE!

HARV: NOW what?

JAMAL: Chalk dust is a carcinogen, just like second-hand smoke!

HARV: Chalk dust is completely harmless!

JAMAL: You're a torturer! AND a tool of Big Chalk!

HARV: Have you been watching Truth.com commercials again?

HARV: Ok, Khalid, here's your drink...

KHALID: TORTURE!

HARV: But it's Mecca Cola! The kind with real camel pee!

KHALID: There's no ice.

HARV: There! Two cubes.

KHALID: TORTURE!

HARV: For God's sake! NOW what?

KHALID: Too much ice. It'll get watery. Oh, and you took the Lord's name in vain. Put my drink in a Betty Boop Freezer Mug or I'll tell SarahK on you!

At this point I snapped and beat them all bloody with my Louisville Slugger.

I have to go to a Siberian Gulag for sensitivity training next week, but at least I found out where Osama's hiding. Figure I can trade the information for a PSP.

mmmm... porta-porn...

Posted by: Harvey at 12:31 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 488 words, total size 4 kb.