May 16, 2004
Ok, it's kind of embarrassing to be led around naked on a leash. But Americans have worse things happen to them all the time, and you don't see us going postal all over the countryside. For example:
Guys - remember in 7th grade, those uncontrollable spontaneous erections? Ever get one in the locker room after gym class?
Ladies - surprise periods in white pants?
Getting caught with 13 items in the 10 items or less aisle.
Making a presentation with something green stuck in your teeth
And your fly at half-mast.
Having the checkout girl snicker when you buy Preparation H.
Standing outside the ladies' room holding your wife's pinkest purse.
Doing the Chicken Dance at someone's wedding reception because you're REALLY drunk, and winding up on the wedding video.
And all the attendees get a copy.
Spilling a Bloody Mary on your shirt during lunch and then going back to work. No, boss, I wasn't out drinking. Honest.
Getting that hickey seemed like fun in the heat of the moment, buy you forgot you don't own any turtlenecks.
Dropping a mighty load in a public bathroom, complete with bad gas, tuba sounds, and hearty sighs of relief, only to realize afterwards that you weren't alone.
Spending an hour searching for your glasses and discovering them on top of your head.
Much to the amusement of your giggling co-workers.
Farting quietly at your desk only to have your boss show up a second later, followed by three words of conversation, a pause, and a visible wince.
You bring your dog over to a friend's house, and he breaks training on the living room carpet.
Itchy balls in public.
Company drops by unexpectedly, and you forgot to put the handcuffs and flavored body paint back in sock drawer.
Your car stalls in the middle of an intersection and refuses to start during rush hour.
Sneaking up behind your girlfriend at a bar and grabbing her ass, only to discover it's a complete stranger's cheek in your hand.
Then explaining it to her burly linebacker boyfriend.
Trying to fart quietly and failing.
Ya know, given the choice, I think I'd take the naked pyramid.
Posted by: Harvey at
10:53 PM
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May 12, 2004
Micheal Moore tells lies, puts them on film, and wins an academy award for "Best Documentary." Now he's made another piece of crap called "Fahrenheit 911" which, I'm sure lives up to the standards we've come to expect from him.
So... what if we made a documentary about Michael Moore that adhered to the same level of accuracy? It might include such tidbits as:
Michael Moore loves trees. As evidenced by the pine tree in his back yard with the sticky knothole.
Michael Moore doesn't smoke, and won't even touch a cigar that he hasn't first "Monica-ed" with his poodle.
Although Michael Moore's favorite color is blue, that doesn't stop him from occasionally wearing a pretty pink camisole.
Not everything Michael Moore says is a lie. There was that one time he said "I'm to fat to fit in that chair".
It was a sofa.
Who was the man on the grassy knoll? Michael Moore.
Who is Saddam Hussein's secret lover? Michael Moore.
Who laundered all the money in the UN "Oil For Food" scandal? Michael Moore.
Who's a fat, bloated, liberal, asshat traitor who gives aid and comfort to terrorists because he doesn't know when to keep his big mouth shut? Michael... wait... that's Ted Kennedy.
Michael Moore has indisputable links to terrorism. Look at the facts. He has a cousin who lives in Alabama. "Alabama" sounds a little like "Osama", who is a known terrorist.... Come ON, people! Do I have to draw you a picture here?
Michael Moore was living in America on September 11th, 2001. Coincidence? I think not.
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
Posted by: Harvey at
07:18 PM
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