February 16, 2005
Chris of FlashBang has joined the Marines, so I'm giving him ammo to get him through boot camp:
First, something I just now made up:
Q: How many Marines does it take to change a light bulb?
A: OO-RAH!!
Next, something I stole from Rick of Me & My MAC:
A Marine walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The Marine explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."
"The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The Marine smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
And I close with another something I made up:
Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: After the Marines get through with them, the only thing they'll change is into corpses.
Give 'em hell, Chris.
Semper Fi.
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February 02, 2005
Sitting by his trough of feed
Fat man contemplates a screed.
A new film full of lies & hate
To prove to all that he's still great.
He straps a camera to his lard
And goes out into his back yard.
Assaulting squirrels with his lens
To find out what they knew, and when.
The rodent branch of the GOP
Is guilty too, as all will see.
Tree rats are in league with Bush!
Is the story Mike will push.
Squirrels started Nine One One
Knocking buildings down for fun.
Evil, furry terrorists
Threaten us with tiny fists.
Haliburton's squirrel division
Was behind this vile mission.
With secret vats of squirrel drugs
To control these fuzzy thugs.
Muslims really aren't to blame.
BUSH controls the terror game.
His rodent minions sack and pillage,
Bomb and napalm every village.
People dying everywhere!
Corpses piled up in town squares!
Plague and torture! Blight and death!
Nut-reek stinky squirrel breath!
Doom is coming! All will die!
Don't trust Bush! He'll only lie!
Michael Moore speaks truth to power!
Heed him now, this final hour!
Only Mike can set you free!
From squirrel/Bush conspiracy!
Exit safely terror's thicket -
Coming soon! (12 bucks per ticket)
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January 26, 2005
It makes me weep to see the Democrats get thrashed in election after election, so I'm offering some helpful tips on how they can improve their chances in 2006 and beyond:
Have all Democratic candidates run around screaming "YEARRRRRGH!" so as to make Howard Dean seem normal.
Rename it the "Demoshizzilatic Par-TAY!" to attract the youth vote.
Just kidding. Trusting the youth vote is like trusting Bill Clinton's marriage vows.
Read the parts of the Bible to the right of the page where it says "Published by Tyndale House"
Adhere closely to the "cigars are ONLY for SMOKING" rule.
Drive Hummers.
Bonus for driving them over hippies.
Fill in the blank: "The only good terrorist is a(n) _______ terrorist". If your answer was "hugged", "understood", or "appeased", try again.
Things that should be cut: taxes, trees, your graying ponytail.
Try running talentless hack action movie actors for high elective office. And no, you can't borrow Bruce Willis.
No, Eastwood is ours, too.
When someone mentions the word "God", don't get that goosed Chihuahua look.
Admit that "wetland" is just a fancy word for "swamp". Mud doesn't need protective legislation.
Don't even THINK about passing a "fat tax" to "promote healthy eating habits". Remember, Congressmen are a good source of protein and they taste like chicken.
The only difference between Ted Kennedy and a mumbling wino is a shave and a New England accent. Lock him away somewhere, he's scaring the children.
Hillary = Bill = you lose. Don't use her.
Seriously. Put down the Hillary & back away slowly.
Old IBM Selectric typewriters can be obtained fairly cheaply off of eBay.
Ditto Armstrong Williams.
But the most important change the Democrats can make?
Root for the guys wearing the body armor, NOT the guys wearing the explosives.
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January 19, 2005
After the Dan Rather Memogate report came out, I was surprised to read that CBS's actions did NOT constitute liberal bias.
Confused, I decided that I needed to upgrade my bias-spotting abilities. I chose to go directly to the expert on the topic - Dan Rather. The following is a partial transcript of our conversation:
Harv: Dan, I see in the official CBS report that that whole tawdry memo episode WASN'T an instance of liberal bias. I'm puzzled by that conclusion.
Dan: There's nothing to be puzzled about. Everything I said was the truth, and any use of the truth is, by definition, not biased.
Harv: But those memos were fake!
Dan: Fake, but accurate.
Harv: Bull, but shit. Anyway, let's see if I can understand where you guys draw the line between objectivity and bias. Take, for example, this recent headline from the CBS web site: "Bush publicly fondles woman's breast"
Dan: All true
Harv: Bush was 6 months old and breastfeeding at the time.
Dan: A grope by any other name.
Harv: So... not biased?
Dan: Nope.
Harv: Ok, how about this one: "Bush blends puppy in White House"
Dan: All true.
Harv: Are you sure you're not thinking of Glenn Reynolds?
Dan: Who?
Harv: Nevermind. Please... explain.
Dan: When Barney first arrived at the White House, he wasn't quite weaned, and Bush had to mix up a special formula for his food. I guess someone forgot to put the comma after the word "blends". Just an innocent typo on that one.
Harv: Hmmmm... I guess. But what about, "Bush's secret love affair with Saddam"?
Dan: Heh. Just another innocent typo. Bush was reminiscing about how, when he was a boy, he saw Emmett Kelly at the circus. That headline was supposed to read, "Bush's secret love: a fair with sad man".
Harv: Ummm... yeah... So what about "Bush backdoors goat"
Dan: "Bush backwards coat" - He bought a reversible jacket.
Harv: Slow news day?
Dan: Just Michael Moore winning the People's Choice Award. No one cares about him when he shaves & wears a suit.
Harv: Have to agree. Now this one... "Bush disembowels Iraqi babies, bathes in their entrails".
Dan: Supposed to be "Bush wins second term". Boy, that webmaster's been sloppy lately. Looks like he'll have to go on the chopping block along with everyone else who isn't me.
Harv: You have NO conscience. How do you sleep at night?
Dan: Naked on a pile of money.
So there you have it. CBS doesn't do bias. Just typos.
Rot in hell, Rather, you worthless, lying sack of crap.
OOPS! That was supposed to be "distinguished news anchor". Guess I'll have to fire my proofreader.
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January 12, 2005
Apu & Vidu, two Sri Lankans tasked with distributing tsunami relief supplies, are working in the intake warehouse doing inventory prior to sending the goods on to the needy. Let's listen in..
Apu: ... blankets, medicine, clothes, canned goods...
Vidu: Must be another crate from America. They always give cool stuff. OO! Look! Spiderman pajamas!
Apu: That's probably from some blogger.
Vidu: Ya know, for being stingy, there sure is a lot of stuff with Jesusland return addresses.
Apu: And not much from the United States of Canada.
Vidu: Speaking of not much, I could use a break. Let's go inventory stuff from the non-stingy parts of the world for a while.
Apu: What... that tiny pile in the corner?... Sure. Shouldn't take more than a couple minutes.
Vidu: Here's a box from France... cigars?
Apu: Actually, those are from Bill Clinton. They must've got put in the wrong pile.
Vidu: Do these smell funny to you?
Apu: You shouldn't touch those. You don't know where they've been.
Vidu: I have my suspicions...
Apu: We'll give 'em to a UN diplomat later... Ah! There's the box from France...
Vidu: Dirty berets & flags.
Apu: EW! They smell like those cigars!
Vidu: I thought the French flag was blue, white & red?
Apu: One out of three ain't bad. What's next?
Vidu: Something from North Korea... I didn't think they had anything to spare. I heard they were so desperate they were eating grass.
Apu: At least they're not eating stinky cigars.
Vidu: Even *Bill* wouldn't eat something that smelled like that. Let's see what's in the... GAH! Dead poodles!
Apu: No... that's just leftovers from the "Let us trim our hair in accordance with Socialist lifestyle." campaign.
Vidu: What are we going to do with a 200-pound hairy box?
Apu: I'll bet Bill asked himself the same question...
Vidu: You're disgusting...
Apu: Moving right along, we have this from Canada.
Vidu: 100,000 "Kerry for President" bumper stickers?
Apu: They'll make good toilet paper.
Vidu: Kinda sticky to be any good.
Apu: I'll bet Bill said the same...
Vidu: Will you please SHUT UP?
Apu: Sorry. Couldn't help myself. What's in this one?
Vidu: Looks like oily kitchen table cloths.
Apu: Must be from the Saudis.
Vidu: I would have expected them to send something USEFUL. [holds up a cloth] What am I supposed to do with this greasy, nasty thing?
Apu: I'll bet Bill asked...
Vidu: I'm going to KILL you! [starts strangling Apu with oily cloth]
While Apu & Vidu sort out their differences, I'd like to take this opportunity to remind everyone the the victims of the tsunami could still use help.
Oddly enough, Bill Clinton DID say that.
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January 05, 2005
Sure, videos of terrorists reading political speeches into a microphone are informative, but there's no entertainment value. Time to spice things up a bit, Osama, so your next video ain't as dull as a Bob Newhart phone call sketch.
First, you have to realize that this is the 21st century, and audiences expect eye-popping graphics in the opening credits. Maybe you could have a picture of someone backdooring a camel which morphs into your face, and then have that explode into flaming letters that spell OSAMA!
That should get people's attention.
Now I realize you're kinda locked into the semi-documentary format for the rest of it, but perhaps you could spice it up a bit with random pop-up trivia boxes that would provide the audience with:
At any given time, more than 30,000 fleas call Osama's beard home.
1527 of them currently sublet to lice.
OSAMA is actually an acronym for Old Stupid Asshole Molesting Animals.
Used to work in a meat processing plant, smoking bacon, although he claims he didn't inhale.
Wants to be Saddam's 72nd virgin.
Still bitter that Michael Moore edged him out for first prize at Cannes.
Claims to this day that the "goat incident" was consensual.
Osama spelled backwards is "amaso" which, coincidentally, is Arabic for "turd"
When completely unwrapped, Osama's turban is 66 feet long, which should be plenty enough to hang the bastard.
Favorite ice cream flavor - Sandy Road.
Osama's less famous cousin Bob Bin Laden sells used cars in Newark.
Bob never masterminded a terrorist attack, but he'll still try to sell you undercoating that you don't need, so don't trust him!
Although Osama appears to be reading his speech, if you'll look closely you can see that he's actually lip synching "Cabaret"
His profound love of show tunes does NOT impugn his heterosexuality.
Much.
The first thing Osama ever blew up was an inflatable sheep.
That doesn't make him gay, either.
The fact that he's wearing lipstick IS a bad sign, though.
Ok, he's a poofter, but he's still closeted, so don't tell him I told you.
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December 29, 2004
Al Franken - annoying, unfunny leftist and cornerstone of the surprisingly undead Air America network - is in Iraq with the USO, ostensibly to entertain the troops. Personally, I suspect he's there for other reasons, which I speculate about thusly:
Looking for Whoopi Goldberg's eyebrows.
Searching out John Kerry's missing Ohio votes.
House hunting for Alec Baldwin.
Expanding his horizons by being unfunny in Farsi
Negotiating with Aljazeera to get them to carry Air America's programming.
Which would bring their total number of affilliates up to... what? Five?
Needed to go to the Arabian desert because there isn't enough sand in America to make those impossibly thick eyeglass lenses of his.
Crappy American comedians simply do better overseas. See also: Jerry Lewis - France.
Because there's no Farsi word for "sucky".
However, there IS one for "Rat bastard giving aid and comfort to the enemies of Iraqi freedom! You die now!", which he will no doubt discover in due course.
Well, whatever he's doing over there, let's just hope he takes his sweet time coming back.
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December 22, 2004
It's almost Christmas, and it's time to start thinking of all the lonely soldiers stuck in the sandbox for the holidays. I'm thinking some of the following items might cheer them up:
Non-goat-related porn
Toilet paper featuring Michael Moore's face.
Bottles of French wine - with the wine poured out and replaced with something less turpentiney
More armor. Maybe we could cut up one of John Kerry's SUV's
Sorry, one of his family's SUV's.
Nike Air Terr-O-Stomper brand combat boots.
Hardee's Monster Thickburger - hold the camel.
Desert camo foam dome.
Decorative brass balls for their Humvees.
A toilet that flushes with sand instead of water.
Reindeer horns for their tanks & APC's
12,000 Whos who will SING! SING! SING! SING! until the insurgents are driven quite thoroughly mad.
Oh, and of course, this little reminder of just what exactly they're fighting for:
(click to enlarge)
(hat tip to I Hate My Cubicle!!! for the pic)
Merry Christmas, boys.
UPDATE: One serious gift for the troops, courtesy of Matty O'Blackfive:
Kevlar blankets.
Go find out how you can help give the gift of bullet-resistance.
If you're undecided, think of it this way:
If the soldier were here, you'd buy him a drink without thinking twice.
Take the drink money & buy him some Kevlar now, so you CAN buy him that drink later.
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December 15, 2004
Good boys & girls get toys.
Bad boys & girls get coal.
I got handcuffs. I have no idea what that means.
But the TRULY rotten folks - like, say, terrorists - can expect something else. Like maybe...
A nice, cuddly puppy dog, since Muslims worship dogs as holy.
Or is that Hindus with cows?... Whatever.
A box of bullets clearly labeled "For Internal Use Only" and delivered from the rifles of happy Marines wearing Santa hats.
A crate of dreidels.
A 55-gallon drum of pickled pig's feet. MMMMM! Pork-o-licious!
Inflatable camels that explode upon penetration.
New tents. With big red bullseyes on top and GPS beacons in the tentpoles.
A container marked "beard conditioner" containing pubic lice.
Send them to go play an addictive flash game like the perfectly safe for work Warthog Launch. Forget terrorist activity, they won't even leave their chairs to go take a crap.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pop some purple floaty alien things...
[Hat tip to Stupid Evil Bastard - be sure to check the amusing comments]
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December 08, 2004
All good things must come to an end. Fortunately all bad things do similarly, including 20+ years of Dan Rather's smug liberal puss leering out from behind the CBS Evening News anchor chair.
Hounded out under the shadow of scandal, he'll have to find some other way to draw a paycheck in his sunset years. I speculate thusly:
Enron's new CEO
Should Hillary run in '08, he can be in charge of quelling Bill's "bimbo eruptions".
Helping OJ find "the real killers".
Saddam's prison bitch.
DNC fundraiser dunk-tank clown
Pajama salesman
Michael Moore's back up Twinkie-fetcher
Frozen flagpole tongue-tester
Empire State Building lightning rod holder.
Crash test dummy.
Pamplona's post-Bull-Run street sweeper
Chief Justice of the Supreme Court
No, wait... that's Bart Simpson's gig.
San Francisco bath house glory hole sanitizer
Realistically speaking, though, I'm pretty sure Rather's next job will revolve around the words, "Fries with that?"
On the other hand, I see there's a Kinko's in Texas that's hiring (I bolded some items that make this an especially good fit):
RESUMES MUST BE SUBMITTED AS A WORD DOCUMENT TO BE CONSIDERED
****MULTIPLE POSITIONS AVAILABLE******Minimum Qualifications and Requirements:
High school diploma or equivalent.
3-5 years applicable work experience.
Excellent verbal and written communication skills.
Working knowledge of PC-based business applications as needed.
Ability to multi-task.General Duties and Responsibilities:
This is a representative list of the general duties the position may be asked to perform and is not intended to be all-inclusive. Work requires a combination of routine and diversified duties with standard instructions and procedures as guides. Duties are standardized and require making minor decisions within pre-established guidelines and procedures. Requires general supervision, with work being checked on a weekly or semi-monthly basis.Decision making authority is limited.
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December 01, 2004
With the presidential elections over, you'd think the mainstream media would finally shut up.
Or at LEAST have gotten a front-end alignment to nudge over that nasty leftward pull.
But you'd be wrong.
Here are my predictions for what the old media will be spouting off about as 2004 winds down:
A girl in Alaska arranged to have her mother murdered, and then blogged about it on her LiveJournal site. Expect the Legacy Media to demand "blog control" legislation and call for the banning of "assault blogs", i.e. any web site that has more than 10 entries on the front page, can be converted to fully automatic posting, or which can be fitted with a pistol grip.
Angsty college students, pony-tailed hippies, and bored trust-fund babies celebrated "Buy Nothing Day" on November 27th to protest "consumerism". Millions of people rushed out to not buy the New York Times or Washington Post, which, oddly, didn't make these newspapers happy.
After it was revealed that UN Secretary General Kofi Annan's son was siphoning off Oil-for-Food program money faster than Michael Moore sucks the creme filling out of Twinkies, the Legacy Media blamed Bush for not "connecting the dots" and preventing such an obvious scandal. President Bush responded by invading the UN and stealing its oil.
Pakistan recently banned the November 22nd issue of Newsweek magazine for showing "bias against Islam". The Legacy Media blamed Bush for not "connecting the dots" and preventing this blatant attempt at censorship. President Bush responded by invading Pakistan, stealing its oil, and forcing Pakistanis to read the offending issue of Newsweek while stacked in naked pyramids and being pointed at by Lyndie England.
A paralyzed woman was able to walk after receiving stem cell therapy. Despite the fact that this didn't even happen in America, the Legacy Media was quick to accuse Bush of declaring a genocidal war on the world's disabled population. The New York Times editorialized: "Today, there is one less person in a wheelchair, thus reducing the size of the global handicapped differently-abled community. Only someone as evil as President Bush would be pleased by the threat of slow destruction that's currently being posed to the world's wheelchair-enhanced peoples."
Legacy Media resoundingly backs Howard Dean for the new chairman of the DNC. Republicans try not to giggle while pretending to look scared.
Matthew Shepard's murderers reveal new information about what happened that night. According to brutal murderer Russell Henderson, George W. Bush was the wheelman that fateful evening. Poorly photoshopped pictures recently faxed to CBS appear to corroborate the story.
Iraqi elections planned for January 30th may be postponed as Ralph Nader sues for ballot access. Nader was widely quoted as saying "it's not like I'll do any WORSE over there. Besides, at least I don't have to worry about Bush stealing THAT election, too." President Bush responded by invading Nader's campaign headquarters and stealing its oil.
Which turned out to be mostly patchouli-based.
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
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November 24, 2004
November 12 was the day that Yassir Arafat was finally buried, causing much celebration amongst the freedom-loving peoples of the world, as well as causing PeTA to protest the deliberate poisoning of innocent worms.
This date has been declared International Dead Terrorist Day (yes, I know he died on the 11th, but that day is already set aside to celebrate those who kill terrorists).
Here are some ways to celebrate International Dead Terrorist Day:
Tie together several dead terrorists like corn shocks and put them on your front porch.
Custom printed baby wipes that say "Help "wipe" out terror!"
Sprinkle sand in your beard to simulate a post-bullet-injected terrorist.
Shout "Allah akbar, but Marines are akbarer!"
Prepare a traditional terrorist meal of falafel, sand, and camel dung, then shoot it.
Shoot it twice. It might be just faking being dead.
Find a picture of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and throw it in your toilet. Have a friend pee on it with you, so that the twin streams of urine can symbolize the Tigris & Euphrates Rivers.
Wear a turban. Laugh at how silly you look in it. Take it off & shoot it.
Twice... you know why.
Fart towards Mecca 5 times.
Bonus for lighting them.
Find a Koran and flip it open at random. Make funny sentences by taking words out of context from random passages, like, "Mohammed... love... hot... sheep and goats... now... good... like woman."
Oops. That one's actually in there. But you get the idea.
Steal some oil.
Check your septic tank to make sure there aren't any former Iraqi dictators hiding in it.
If you find one, shoot him twice.
Support the 101st Muppet Division.
Spend some time taking care of your Osamagotchi virtual terrorist toy.
Cook lots of turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, candied yams...
No, wait... that's Thanksgiving.
Nevermind.
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November 17, 2004
With the election safely behind us, I thought things would be quiet. I forgot there'd be copious wailing & gnashing of teeth from those dissatisfied with the outcome.
The most common response was the sound of people logging on to Priceline.com and booking one-way fares to Paris.
Ok, that was just Arafat.
Here are some other reactions that I just now made up:
George Soros: $82,000 for this monstrosity? I'm RUINED!
Ok, that was Herbert Powell after he built Homer Simpson's car, but I understand George's reaction was similar, give or take a few zeroes.
Alec Baldwin: I need whiskey, cocaine & prostitutes! STAT!
Rosie O'Donnell: Despite the election results, bush will still be licked.
Ed Asner: [grips chest, falls over, registers 7.1 on the Richter scale]
Janneane Garafalo: I'm still funny! I'm still relevant! Don't you hang up on me! Don't you... Hello?
Whoopi Goldberg: Bush stole the election! And my eyebrows!
Al Franken: Huh. I guess *I'm* the big fat idiot.
Hillary Clinton: [does happy dance]
Bill Clinton: WHOO-HOO! Two more years, then Hillary hits the campaign trail and I'll be in Harlem Hooker Hummer Heaven!
The Dixie Chicks: PLEASE come to our concerts! We'll even let you stifle our dissent! PLEEEEEASE? We REALLY need money!
Michael Moore: [throws away script for Ketchup 9/11]
Bruce Springsteen: Well, the song WAS "Born to Run", not "Born to Win".
Ted Kennedy: Heh. Well, Kerry, looks like you're back to being junior Senator again. Now fetch me some gin and a fresh intern.
Al Sharpton: I *told* you I should've gotten the nomination! At least then we could've played the race card after the election. Stupid racist crackers!
Jesse Jackson: *sigh* Back to making illegitimate children...
John Kerry: Wait! Where are you going? It's not over yet! I have a plan! A PLAN, I tell you!
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November 03, 2004
According to the Legacy Media, 380 tons of explosives have gone missing in Iraq, and nobody seems to know what happened to them.
I'd like to solve that mystery by declaring that I'm the one who took it. It's currently stacked up in my garage. And don't believe Bush's assertions to the contrary.
Don't worry though, I assure you that I will only use it for peaceful purposes.
Ok, MOSTLY peaceful.
Here's what's on the to-do list:
Attempt to launch the Eiffel Tower into orbit.
Use it to print explosive currency and make a hefty donation to MoveOn.org.
And I suppose I could use some of it to pay off Yassir Arafat's hospital bills, too. Does anyone know what Euros look like?
Start an explosives breeding program. Soon I'll have 760 tons. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
DAMN! I just checked - all the explosives are female. I'll have to order something from explosivestuds.com.
Create the ultimate squirrel-proof birdfeeder.
Turns out it's also bird-proof. I'm still tweaking the design.
By adding a little patchouli scent, I can also make it hippy-proof.
Kerry/Edwards bumper sticker removal kits.
Explosive-tipped baby harp seal clubs.
Retaliate against the Arab world by blowing up THEIR tallest building. Shouldn't need much to take out a 2-story tent.
Do they even HAVE buildings? I might have to settle for a particularly tall camel.
I was thinking about making some of those gag exploding golf balls, but I have so much of the stuff, maybe I'll make an exploding golf course, instead.
Suicide bomber jackets. I wonder if I should mention that I set the timers a couple hours ahead?
Nah. I'm sure they'll notice.
"Special" cigars for Fidel Castro. I've heard he appreciates a good practical joke.
Xtreme Play-Doh!
I finally saw Matrix: Revolutions last week. I think I should give some "money" to the Wachowski brothers, too.
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October 27, 2004
Every election needs a last-minute, deal-busting revelation to come out just to keep things interesting.
And sell papers.
My predictions for the 2004 Presidential race:
It will be discovered that gin-soaked raisins don't cure arthritis, but actually cause cancer.
Terry Kerry will counter that they only causes cancer in laboratory animals and people who've never held a real job.
The Bush-cocaine rumor will re-surface, with the twist being that W was too dumb to realize that it was actually powdered sugar.
Documents emerge showing that - while attending Viet Nam peace talks in Paris in 1971 - John Kerry played strip poker with Viet Cong leader Madame Nguyen Thi Binh
While a cheerleader in Texas, George Bush slept with the Captain of the football team.
After the Democratic convention, Republican operatives secretly replaced Terry Kerry with Karl Rove in drag. John Kerry reportedly commented "I thought she was unusually snug lately"
The goose that John Kerry claims to have shot was actually faxed to him from a Kinko's in Abilene.
Elizabeth Edwards has an explosive temper and once shot a bathroom scale for "being a filthy liar".
That object that John Kerry smuggled into the first debate wasn't a pen, but a pocket gay-dar, which enabled him to detect and reveal Mary Cheney's lesbianicity.
John Edwards is a grown man who takes 5 minutes to comb his hair and he carries a compact. John Kerry has to turn his pocket gay-dar off whenever they're together.
Kerry campaign operatives were discovered to be behind the recent spate of Blogspot and mu.nu blog outages.
Hitler endorses Kerry using Christopher Reeves's magic beyond-the-grave cell phone.
Bush once won a Texas Chili Cook-Off with his "5-Alarm Barn-Burning Baby-Meat Chili" recipe.
In 1996, Kerry was arrested for beating a homeless person to death with a picnic table.
Wait... that was Glenn Reynolds. Sorry.
Kerry was arrested after he beat his maid to death for not getting the skidmarks out of his pink silk boxers.
Actually he had his butler handle the beating part, as he didn't want to risk mussing his important-looking hair.
Bush forces his dog, Barney, to use a litter box.
In a blind taste test, Kerry chose Hunts.
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October 20, 2004
God forbid Kerry ever gets elected, but if he does, who might he appoint to his Cabinet? I shall speculate thusly:
Agriculture - Kevin Kostner who, in Field of Dreams, plowed under his cash crop in the middle of the growing season to build a baseball diamond in the middle of nowhere, because he heard voices in his head. Since this makes about as much sense as the average Federal farm program, he'd be a good fit.
Commerce - Hillary Clinton. Anyone who can make $100,000 off cattle futures in 6 months must be pretty smart when it comes to buying and selling.
Defense - Ellie Mae Clampett. With that slingshot of hers, she could easily kill terrorists with spitballs.
Education - Mrs. Krabappel. She'll fix America's schools if she has to sleep with every single principal to do it.
Energy - Richard Simmons. He always seems perky.
Healthy & Human Services - Heidi Fleiss. She knows ALL about servicing.
Homeland Security - Barney Fife. With our French allies keeping us safe from terrorists, surely we need no more to protect this country than one man carrying a bullet in his shirt pocket.
Housing and Urban Development - Jimmy Carter. When he's not busy chumming it up with commies, he swings a mean hammer and could get a lot of houses built.
Interior - Monica Lewinsky. The experiences of her interior are well documented.
Labor - Bobbi McCaughey.
State - Michael Moore. Based on Matty O'Blackfive's recommendation (see Hollywood Hijinks section, second to last paragraph).
Transportation - That guy who invented the stretch Hummer.
Treasury - Me. I think I could bring honor to his administration.
Veterans Affairs - Lyndie England. She has experience with both.
Attorney General - Johnny Cochran. For his unparalleled ability to bust a rhyme.
Administrator, Environmental Protection Agency - Ralph Nader. Mostly just to shut him up for '08.
Director, Office of Management and Budget - Arthur Andersen. Say good-bye to embarrassing budget deficits with the world's most creative accountant.
Director, National Drug Control Policy - Ricky Williams. Now THERE'S a man who could single-handedly eliminate the nation's illegal drug supply.
U.S. Trade Representative - George W. Bush. He knows how to trade blood for oil.
And if Kerry ever elevates the Surgeon General to Cabinet status, he can always appoint his wife, Scary Terry Kerry, for her ability to cure arthritis with fruit & booze.
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October 13, 2004
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
If John Kerry is elected president, I expect him to issue the following order to the Department of Defense:
To keep my campaign promise of fighting a more sensitive war on terror, please make the following nomenclature adjustments to all orders, directives, memos, and press releases by your department. On the left are the old, insensitive terms you are no longer to use, followed by their approved substitutes:
Terrorists - Fuzzy Bunnies
US Army - Happy Campers
US Marines - Power Puff Girls
US Navy - Free Willies
US Air Force - Butterflies
Killed - Went to Disneyland
Wounded - Kissed on the forehead
Attacked - Hugged
War - Summit meeting
A sample press release might read: "The summit meeting in Iraq was quite eventful today. In a joint operation between the Happy Campers, Power Puff Girls, Free Willies, and Butterflies, a group of fuzzy bunnies were hugged. Dozens went to Disneyland, while hundreds more were kissed on the forehead."
Thank you for your cooperation, and have a pleasant day.
Personally, I say send 'em all to Disneyland.
Dead terrorists don't have feelings to hurt, which is plenty sensitive enough for me.
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October 06, 2004
The following is from a secret memo that Muqtada al-Sadr faxed to the Kerry campaign from Abilene Baghdad:
My Dearest Sahib John F'n Kerry,
It has come to my attention that you are doing poorly in the polls. This disappoints me greatly. I need you to get elected if I want to live to see the end of Ramadan this year.
For both our sakes, please implement the following suggestions:
You did well to sneak your secret pen-gun into the debates last time. Next time, remember to take the bullet out of your shirt pocket before trying to shoot Bush, OK there, Deputy Fife?
Try rigging an improvised explosive device in Bush's podium. These are very simple to construct, and I know you have a can of Clairol Ultra-Important Hair Spray somewhere that you can attach a fuse to.
Set it to go off when he says "nu-cu-lar".
If you can't eliminate Bush during the debates, you'll have to out-campaign him. Have your people offer a "negative campaign ad cease fire". After he accepts, saturate the airwaves with claims that he's a drunken, AWOL coke-head.
Be sure to mention that he also looks like a chimp.
If Bush accuses you of flip-flopping, fire a gun into the air and scream "ULULULULULULU!"
When the campaign donation from Yassir Arafat arrives, don't spend it. His checks have been bouncing lately.
If you get more than 5% behind in the polls, try blowing up a police station.
Finally please make that girly-man Edwards wear a burkha so that the faithful aren't tempted by his soft, pouty lips.
Your Avid Fan,
Muqtada
P.S. Don't let the pajamhadeen get ahold of this memo, or it'll be SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS! for both of us.
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September 29, 2004
The Presidential debates are coming up, and I'm tired of those softball questions they keep asking, like "what's your favorite color?" and "do you prefer boxers or briefs?" It's time to get serious and ask important questions, like:
For Kerry:
Your wife, Teresa, keeps saying embarrassing things on the campaign trail, making you look bad and dragging down you poll numbers. Is she actually Karl Rove in drag, and, if so, how does this affect the performance of her "wifely duties"?
You have been accused of waffling on the Iraq issue, as well as everything else. How do you respond to this charge? Please give only one answer.
Is your new orange hue an attempt to bring diversity to your otherwise lily-white campaign, or are you merely courting the Oompa-Loompa vote?
How do you plan to convince the French to send troops to Iraq? Also please explain how their Crack Surrender Squad is a more effective fighting force than a division of American Marines.
You have said that you want to free America from its dependence on foreign oil. Doesn't Bush's war in Iraq already accomplish that by stealing Iraq's oil, thus making it non-foreign?
You want America to be "respected instead of feared". Have you considered the fact that both fearful and respectful terrorists can still attack us, but dead ones can't?
Will your health care program include free Botox injections? Just askin'.
The Swift Boat Veterans for Truth have been airing some very strongly worded attack-ads against you. Will you retailiate by shooting them in the back and stealing their rocket launchers?
And just to be fair, a couple for the President:
Your credentials for fighting the War On Terror are well established, but what are you doing to combat the well-documented monkey menace that currently threatens our nation? Also, do you think your chimp-like ears will help or hinder this endeavor?
If John Kerry is elected President, will you be stealing all the "F" keys from the White House computers?
Here's hoping that Thursday's debate is run cleanly and fairly.
And that Kerry experiences the first of the 4 losses he can expect before November 3rd.
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September 22, 2004
At great risk to life and limb, I wiretapped a certain Kinko's fax machine in Abilene, so I know all about the new memos that CBS has gotten in. Over the next week or so, you can probably expect to hear the following unquestionable truths about George W. Bush, since the new memos will clearly show that:
Bush once received preferential treatment after giving an apple to his third grade teacher.
Which also raises questions about whether W. is secretly in the pocket of Big Fruit.
Bob Dole was obviously in league with Big Pineapple, and he was ALSO a Republican, which raises questions about whether America is actually controlled by a three-pronged Fruit-Pepsi-Viagra cabal.
George W Bush used to be an oil-man. Vaseline is a petroleum-baseed product. This implies yet another possible Viagra connection.
For national security reasons, immediately after 9/11, Bush was replaced for all public appearances with a particularly bright, mostly housebroken, shaved chimp named Bobo.
The OLD memos were written by W. himself, as proven by the fact that they included the words "nucular" and "misunderestimated".
Bush once rampaged through a synagogue, flogging moneychangers.
In college, Bush once neglected to tip a pizza delivery guy, thus causing him to miss a mortgage payment and become homeless.
The homeless pizza guy was later murdered by Glenn Reynolds.
Bush receives twice-monthly Botox injections to keep his ears sticking out so far.
The real reason we invaded Iraq is that Bush beat Rumsfeld at a game of rock-paper-scissors.
If Rumsfeld had chosen scissors, we would've just nuked Baghdad.
I wish Rumsfeld would've chosen scissors.
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