(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

Al Franken - annoying, unfunny leftist and cornerstone of the surprisingly undead Air America network - is in Iraq with the USO, ostensibly to entertain the troops. Personally, I suspect he's there for other reasons, which I speculate about thusly:

Looking for Whoopi Goldberg's eyebrows.

Searching out John Kerry's missing Ohio votes.

House hunting for Alec Baldwin.

Expanding his horizons by being unfunny in Farsi

Negotiating with Aljazeera to get them to carry Air America's programming.

Which would bring their total number of affilliates up to... what? Five?

Needed to go to the Arabian desert because there isn't enough sand in America to make those impossibly thick eyeglass lenses of his.

Crappy American comedians simply do better overseas. See also: Jerry Lewis - France.

Because there's no Farsi word for "sucky".

However, there IS one for "Rat bastard giving aid and comfort to the enemies of Iraqi freedom! You die now!", which he will no doubt discover in due course.

Well, whatever he's doing over there, let's just hope he takes his sweet time coming back.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

Posted by: Harvey at 07:34 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

It's almost Christmas, and it's time to start thinking of all the lonely soldiers stuck in the sandbox for the holidays. I'm thinking some of the following items might cheer them up:

Non-goat-related porn

Toilet paper featuring Michael Moore's face.

Bottles of French wine - with the wine poured out and replaced with something less turpentiney

More armor. Maybe we could cut up one of John Kerry's SUV's

Sorry, one of his family's SUV's.

Nike Air Terr-O-Stomper brand combat boots.

Hardee's Monster Thickburger - hold the camel.

Desert camo foam dome.

Decorative brass balls for their Humvees.

A toilet that flushes with sand instead of water.

Reindeer horns for their tanks & APC's

12,000 Whos who will SING! SING! SING! SING! until the insurgents are driven quite thoroughly mad.

Oh, and of course, this little reminder of just what exactly they're fighting for:

(click to enlarge)

(hat tip to I Hate My Cubicle!!! for the pic)

Merry Christmas, boys.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

UPDATE: One serious gift for the troops, courtesy of Matty O'Blackfive:

Kevlar blankets.

Go find out how you can help give the gift of bullet-resistance.

If you're undecided, think of it this way:

If the soldier were here, you'd buy him a drink without thinking twice.

Take the drink money & buy him some Kevlar now, so you CAN buy him that drink later.

Posted by: Harvey at 07:24 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

Good boys & girls get toys.

Bad boys & girls get coal.

I got handcuffs. I have no idea what that means.

But the TRULY rotten folks - like, say, terrorists - can expect something else. Like maybe...

A nice, cuddly puppy dog, since Muslims worship dogs as holy.

Or is that Hindus with cows?... Whatever.

A box of bullets clearly labeled "For Internal Use Only" and delivered from the rifles of happy Marines wearing Santa hats.

A crate of dreidels.

A 55-gallon drum of pickled pig's feet. MMMMM! Pork-o-licious!

Inflatable camels that explode upon penetration.

New tents. With big red bullseyes on top and GPS beacons in the tentpoles.

A container marked "beard conditioner" containing pubic lice.

Send them to go play an addictive flash game like the perfectly safe for work Warthog Launch. Forget terrorist activity, they won't even leave their chairs to go take a crap.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pop some purple floaty alien things...

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

[Hat tip to Stupid Evil Bastard - be sure to check the amusing comments]

Posted by: Harvey at 06:50 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

All good things must come to an end. Fortunately all bad things do similarly, including 20+ years of Dan Rather's smug liberal puss leering out from behind the CBS Evening News anchor chair.

Hounded out under the shadow of scandal, he'll have to find some other way to draw a paycheck in his sunset years. I speculate thusly:

Enron's new CEO

Should Hillary run in '08, he can be in charge of quelling Bill's "bimbo eruptions".

Helping OJ find "the real killers".

Saddam's prison bitch.

DNC fundraiser dunk-tank clown

Pajama salesman

Michael Moore's back up Twinkie-fetcher

Frozen flagpole tongue-tester

Empire State Building lightning rod holder.

Crash test dummy.

Barnyard animal masturbator

Pamplona's post-Bull-Run street sweeper

Chief Justice of the Supreme Court

No, wait... that's Bart Simpson's gig.

San Francisco bath house glory hole sanitizer

Realistically speaking, though, I'm pretty sure Rather's next job will revolve around the words, "Fries with that?"

On the other hand, I see there's a Kinko's in Texas that's hiring (I bolded some items that make this an especially good fit):

RESUMES MUST BE SUBMITTED AS A WORD DOCUMENT TO BE CONSIDERED
****MULTIPLE POSITIONS AVAILABLE******

Minimum Qualifications and Requirements:
High school diploma or equivalent.
3-5 years applicable work experience.
Excellent verbal and written communication skills.
Working knowledge of PC-based business applications as needed.
Ability to multi-task.

General Duties and Responsibilities:
This is a representative list of the general duties the position may be asked to perform and is not intended to be all-inclusive. Work requires a combination of routine and diversified duties with standard instructions and procedures as guides. Duties are standardized and require making minor decisions within pre-established guidelines and procedures. Requires general supervision, with work being checked on a weekly or semi-monthly basis.

Decision making authority is limited.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

Posted by: Harvey at 07:47 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

With the presidential elections over, you'd think the mainstream media would finally shut up.

Or at LEAST have gotten a front-end alignment to nudge over that nasty leftward pull.

But you'd be wrong.

Here are my predictions for what the old media will be spouting off about as 2004 winds down:

A girl in Alaska arranged to have her mother murdered, and then blogged about it on her LiveJournal site. Expect the Legacy Media to demand "blog control" legislation and call for the banning of "assault blogs", i.e. any web site that has more than 10 entries on the front page, can be converted to fully automatic posting, or which can be fitted with a pistol grip.

Angsty college students, pony-tailed hippies, and bored trust-fund babies celebrated "Buy Nothing Day" on November 27th to protest "consumerism". Millions of people rushed out to not buy the New York Times or Washington Post, which, oddly, didn't make these newspapers happy.

After it was revealed that UN Secretary General Kofi Annan's son was siphoning off Oil-for-Food program money faster than Michael Moore sucks the creme filling out of Twinkies, the Legacy Media blamed Bush for not "connecting the dots" and preventing such an obvious scandal. President Bush responded by invading the UN and stealing its oil.

Pakistan recently banned the November 22nd issue of Newsweek magazine for showing "bias against Islam". The Legacy Media blamed Bush for not "connecting the dots" and preventing this blatant attempt at censorship. President Bush responded by invading Pakistan, stealing its oil, and forcing Pakistanis to read the offending issue of Newsweek while stacked in naked pyramids and being pointed at by Lyndie England.

A paralyzed woman was able to walk after receiving stem cell therapy. Despite the fact that this didn't even happen in America, the Legacy Media was quick to accuse Bush of declaring a genocidal war on the world's disabled population. The New York Times editorialized: "Today, there is one less person in a wheelchair, thus reducing the size of the global handicapped differently-abled community. Only someone as evil as President Bush would be pleased by the threat of slow destruction that's currently being posed to the world's wheelchair-enhanced peoples."

Legacy Media resoundingly backs Howard Dean for the new chairman of the DNC. Republicans try not to giggle while pretending to look scared.

Matthew Shepard's murderers reveal new information about what happened that night. According to brutal murderer Russell Henderson, George W. Bush was the wheelman that fateful evening. Poorly photoshopped pictures recently faxed to CBS appear to corroborate the story.

Iraqi elections planned for January 30th may be postponed as Ralph Nader sues for ballot access. Nader was widely quoted as saying "it's not like I'll do any WORSE over there. Besides, at least I don't have to worry about Bush stealing THAT election, too." President Bush responded by invading Nader's campaign headquarters and stealing its oil.

Which turned out to be mostly patchouli-based.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

Posted by: Harvey at 08:28 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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