(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Man, I hope you didn't waste your time watching the World Series. Saddam's trial was a LOT better. Here's part of the transcript:

Jaafar Moussawi (chief prosecuting attorney): I think I'm entitled to them.

Saddam: You want answers?

Moussawi: I want the truth!

Saddam: "You can't handle the truth!...Son, we live in a world that has Kurds, and those Kurds have to be killed by men with mustard gas. Who's gonna do it?... You?... Some Jew named Weinberg?

I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for the Kurds and you curse the Baath Party. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that gassing those Kurds to death, while tragic, probably put me in the lead in Laurence Simon's Dead Pool. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, keeps President Bush OUT of the lead in Laurence Simon's Dead Pool.

You don't want the truth because, deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me to gas Kurds... you need me to gas Kurds.

I use words like mass murder, slaughter, genocide. I use these words as the backbone of a life spent killing people. You use them as a criminal charge.

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who will make a fortune selling the movie rights to the story of this trial and then questions the manner in which I killed the Kurds that made this trial possible! I would rather you just said "Allah Akbar!" and went on your way. Otherwise I suggest you pick up some mustard gas and kill some Kurds. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to."

Moussawi: Did you gas those Kurds?

Saddam: (quietly) I did what I needed to do to get ahead in Laurence Simon's Dead Pool.

Moussawi: Did you gas those Kurds?

Saddam: YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!

Posted by: Harvey at 02:45 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Some high-up Al-Qaeda nutjob wrote a letter to his superior Al-Qaeda nutjob proposing a "plan" for the future of Islamofascism:

The first stage: Expel the Americans from Iraq.

The second stage: Establish an Islamic authority or amirate, then develop it and support it until it achieves the level of a caliphate- over as much territory as you can[...]

Which - in terms of practicality - greatly resembles the Underpants Gnomes plan:

1) Collect underpants
2) ???
3) Profit!

or in this case:

1) Get blown up by Americans
2) ???
3) Establish Caliphate!

It's a good start, but maybe they should consider streamlining it a bit:

1) Get blown up by Americans
2) Die

MUCH better.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

Posted by: Harvey at 02:58 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Here's a present for all those Islamofascist bastards who spend their time blowing up civilians during their Holy Month:

"Pieg Heil!"

Judging from the hat, I think it's a beardless Osama.

Happy Ramadan, MotherF***ers.

Posted by: Harvey at 07:35 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 47 words, total size 1 kb.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

I heard the terrorists are celebrating their Holy Month by blowing people up.

While I admit that sounds like fun, I can't help but think there's gotta be another way to have a good time.

So, being from Wisconsin, which - except for the Socialists in Milwaukee and the Commies in Madison - is mostly rural and sane, I think the terrorists should take a page from the Big Book of Country Charm and celebrate it more along the lines of a County Fair.

Because fairs are fun!
(see extended entry) more...

Posted by: Harvey at 07:31 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 215 words, total size 3 kb.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Sooner or later, a bunch of smelly hippies will come to your town and try protesting the War, and - also sooner or later - you'll get sick of their mindless sloganeering and decide to take to the streets yourself to protest their protest.

No such thing as too much free speech, ya know.

But you shouldn't go empty-handed. Bring a ClueBat.

This item is useful for "beating sense" into someone whose knowledge of "what's what" ain't quite up to where it ought to be. A versatile device, it comes in several sizes, so be sure to choose the right tool for the right job.

Small

For RINO's like John McCain or Colin Powell, and also as a preventative measure for small children who just don't know any better because they attended a public school.

Large

For politicians who just don't know when to stop talking, like John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, Nancy Pelosi, or anyone in the UN Building (except the Stachemeister, of course).

Extra Pointy

For those with exceptionally thick skulls - Alec Baldwin, Tim Robbins, most hippies.

STFU ALREADY!

For extreme cases - Michael Moore, Cindy Sheehan, Jane Fonda.

And don't forget to read the instruction manual before use:

"Fat end first, dumbass!"

Yes, with these handy tips, you'll soon be doing your part as an American citizen to create a more informed electorate.

Or at the very least, you'll have a good time.

"C'mere hippy! I want to explain my foreign policy..."

Posted by: Harvey at 10:29 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 257 words, total size 3 kb.