(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

During a press conference today, Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney (D - Georgia) reiterated her support for the Capitol Hill Police.

"Those CHP are my favorite people ever," McKinney said, "I have all 6 seasons on DVD."

"Plus," she added, "you have to admit - Ponch has the dreamiest smile."

At this point Rep. McKinney was pelted with a barrage of rotten vegetables, leaving her unable to comment on whether she also supports Wilmer Valderrama's assumption of Erik Estrada's role in the movie scheduled for release in 2008.

Posted by: Harvey at 05:56 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

A recent DC anti-war protest turned out some disappointing numbers for the screeching loony left, and I can't help thinking that they could REALLY improve their attendance figures if they made the events just a LITTLE more red-stater friendly. After all, liberals ARE about being open-minded & non-judgmental, right?

Since I consider myself a fairly typical warmongering, right-wing, gun nut, here's what they could do to get ME to show up to one of their little kook-keggers:

* More crazy naked PETA chicks [PG13]!

* I'd really enjoy a Dick Cheney hunter safety course, because every time I try to shoot a lawyer, I end up hitting a quail in the face.

* Sell "Ann Coulter Gone Wild!" DVD's

* Schedule the protest on a weekend so that the gainfully employed can attend.

* Ergonomic comfort-gel Sof-Grip protest sign-handles ("Just say 'NO' to splinters!")

* Free John Kerry silhouette shooting targets ("10 points for the important-looking hair!")

* Free Korans - I've got a wobbly table with a short leg at home.

* Free shampoo - which I'll gladly provide myself if they promise to use it. Seriously - who's the lunatic who told white people they could wear dreadlocks?

* Free Palestine - I always see booths offering it, but when I get there, they never have any. I wonder if it's like funnel cake?

* Ban braless grandmothers.

Anyway, what would get YOU to go to a anti-war protest rally?

Posted by: Harvey at 11:58 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

The new Iraqi Parliament that was elected last December has finally been sworn in, but - due to an egregious mix-up at the ballot box - it turned out that all those elected were actually American Democrats.

Vowing to "do for Iraq what Bushitler won't let us do for America", the new Parliament promised to do the following during its first 100 days:

* No more death penalty. Except for those who refer to a person of murder as a "terrorist"

* Also outlawed will be the phrase "camel jockey", unless it's used at an actual camel race.

* Or by a rap artist.

* It will be illegal to bow toward Mecca at a public school.

* Having a non-denominational "moment of bending" isn't acceptable either.

* No one will be allowed to draw cartoons of Jesus, Buddha, or Moses. However, the Iraqi government WILL fund artworks such as the urine-soaked holy book, "Whiz Koran".

* No cartoons of Cindy Sheehan, either, because her son died for George Bush's sins.

* BUUUUUUUUUUUSH! *shakes fist at sky*

* Floor sweeping will be forbidden in all bars and restaurants, due to the hazards of "secondhand dirt".

* Meanwhile, the tax on brooms will be raised another 50 cents.

* No one will be allowed to own a gun except for police and persons of murder.

* Camel spiders will now be considered an endangered species, and no oil drilling will be allowed in their habitats.

* Unless the oil is being sold to France, Germany, Russia, or China.

* All camels will be required to get an average of 28 miles per gallon of water.

* 38 for the economy 1-hump models

* Witnesses in court trials have to swear to tell the truth while placing their hand on a copy of "Heather Has Two Mommies".

* All of Saddam's old presidential Palaces will be re-named "The Robert C. Byrd Memorial Palace", followed by a Roman numeral.

* And stop nagging Senator Byrd to apologize for his Klan membership! You people are like a pitbull on a mailman's leg with that!

* All sand dunes will be made wheelchair accessible.

* The new Iraqi flag will be an upside down American flag with a picture of Michael Moore's butt on it.

* Women will have equal rights. To apply for these rights, they should send a resume to intern@cigarsinparliament.com.

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(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

[Caution - the second to last link in this post is rated NC17]

Hollywood asshats like George Clooney are full of bad advice when it comes to hunting down terrorists - usually it boils down to something like "Just ignore them and they'll go away... Unless they don't... in which case it's Bush's fault for not connecting the dots."

Now, I'm sure President Bush isn't actually listening to George Clooney, but he's getting bad advice from SOMEWHERE, because the terrorist body count is still under seven figures, there are no internment camps for either Muslims OR hippies, and Michael Moore has yet to be thrown into a crocodile pit.

As a courtesy to our Commander-in-Chief, I assembled a focus group to give advice on how to win the War on Terror. The executive summary follows:

Darth Vader - "Strangle annoying underlings to maintain discipline in the ranks. There's no reason why that jellyfish Colin Powell should've left the State Department alive."

Dick Cheney - "Aim for the face."

Donald Rumsfeld - "Hey! Vader stole my advice!"

Ann Coulter - "Invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity."

Gandalf - "More Hobbits"

Michael Jackson - "Give the terrorists a little Jesus Juice, and they'll be ripe for the picking."

Jeffrey Dahmer - "Beat 'em with a mallet for a while, otherwise they'll be too tough and stringy."

Laura Roslin - "Throw 'em out the airlock."

Harry Potter - "I'm a pansy. Let Hermione handle it."

C3P0 - "I suggest a new strategy. Let the Wookie win."

Barney the Dinosaur - "Lots of hugs!... and explosives!"

John Cleese - "Wait... are these terrorists armed with bananas or raspberries?"

Satan - "Just get the Arabs high-speed internet access. They'll be too busy Boobling for pr0n to kill anybody... By the way, has anyone seen my autographed copy of 'An Army of Davids'?"

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(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

According to this story, a slain soldier's widow successfully sued a guy who was giving money to Al Qaeda, which means that - thanks to one of the few lawyers not shot by Dick Cheney - the War on Terror is $102 million dollars closer to being over.

It occurs to me there's another underutilized American resource that could be put to work fighting Islamofascism - Pakistani cab drivers!

Picture this:

PCD: I cannot please to be speaking your English! I get you hotel? Airport? Cocaine? Hookers? Durka! Durka!

TERRORIST: Jihad! Jihad!

PCD: Look Mohammed, I only talk that way to screw with the Yuppies. I don't actually speak your wacky Arab monkey-jabber durka-durka crap! Either take the broads & coke or get the hell out of my cab!

TERRORIST: Fine! I'll get someone else to take me! [gets out, slams door]

PCD: The only place you're going is between the treads of my Goodyear All-Season radials, you terrorist bastard! [sound of squealing tires]

TERRORIST: AIEEEEEE! *squish!*

PCD: USA! USA! USA!

Posted by: Harvey at 09:38 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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1 Only the women u-ulate.... (I live in Detroit, I *know* these things...) For example, "Kus" means "fuck". "Omak" is "mom". "Kus Omak" translates to "Fuck Your Mom". It goes over well in a crowded high school hallway. Hopefully it isn't crowded in the direction you will be running for your life.

Posted by: _Jon at March 03, 2006 01:01 PM (g9Y9+)

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(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

What are lawyers good for besides quail decoys?

Successfully suing terrorists for their bomb-money.

So if a LAWYER can be a force for good, I wonder what else we could put to work in fighting the War on Terror?

Collection Agencies - I underpaid my VISA bil by 37 cents once, and they broke my kneecaps. What chance do terrorists have?

Worried about port security? Just play William Hung tunes over the loudspeakers. Scientific studies show that his tuneless screechings inevitably cause premature detonation in bomb belts. "She Bangs" = *KER-BANG!*

Hollywood celebrities - as human shields around high-risk targets. If it doesn't work, who cares? Plenty more Baldwins where that came from.

Delete the terrorist program and reboot The Matrix - "Whoa!..."

Reprogram that weather control machine Bush used to destroy New Orleans. Everyone knows terrorists melt when you douse them with water, as shown in the documentary, "The Terrorist of Oz".

And if all else fails, we can pass a new law requiring that flight schools only teach Arab students from JFK Jr's textbook, "Flying For Dummies".

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

Posted by: Harvey at 08:27 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Wandering about the greeting card aisle this last Valentine's Day, I was struck by the fact that there seems to be a card for almost every occasion.

Except the War on Terror.

It occurs to me that Hallmark could make a killing if they expanded their offerings a bit, for example:

Infidels! You make me mad!
Praising Allah's not so bad.
You must do things Islam's way,
Listen now to what I say.

Pray five times toward Mecca town
Women covered with a gown
No more pork and no free speech
No bikinis on the beach

Obey me lest I chop your head
Blow you up, and make you dead.
I return to my cave now after that.
To dine upon this tasty rat.

YUM!

Love,
Osama

Posted by: Harvey at 02:37 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

I was tickled pink to discover that hard-core, ass-kicking US ambassador to the UN, John Bolton, has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for playing a major role in exposing Iran's secret plans to develop nuclear weapons. To bolster his chances of winning, they also included a list of his other notable achievements:

* During 6-party talks on North Korea's nuclear program, shook down the other 5 parties for their lunch money

* Bolton plans to use the money to finance a mission to nuke the moon, pending the outcome of a copyright infringement suit filed by Frank J.

* Once caused a pigeon to explode in mid-air, just by looking at it.

* Kicked Paul Bunyan's ass and founded the "Bolton's Babe-Burgers" franchise.

* Due to lactose intolerance, had all lactoses rounded up and imprisoned at Gitmo.

* Led Lyndie England around on a leash while mocking her genitalia.

* Prefers to kill people with his bare hands so that he can look into their eyes and watch their souls leave their bodies.

* Eats newly-release souls to fuel the growth of his moustache.

* Hates working for the UN, since few of the ambassadors actually have souls.

* 'STACHE HUNGERS!

* Successfully went in against a Sicilian when death was on the line.

* While not related to Michael Bolton, John does have a better singing voice.

* Of course, who doesn't?

* Once made a rock so big that he himself couldn't lift it.

* The flood waters did not recede from New Orleans quickly enough, so John Bolton drank them.

* On Halloween, witches frequently go out dressed up as John Bolton to frighten liberals.

* Plans to silence whiny California hippies by kicking the whole state right into the ocean.

* Went hunting with Dick Cheney, but used 'stache powers to deflect the birdshot.

* Buys dead-squirrel toupees from the same store as Donald Trump

* Favorite saying: "I like you. I'll kill you last. And by 'last', I mean 'first'."

* 'STACHE HUNGERS!

* When his term as UN Ambassador expires in 2007, plans to decapitate all the UN delegates he hasn't already killed so that he can at last be THE ONE and claim THE PRIZE.

* Used Kim Jong Il's poofy head as a loofah.

* Until Captain Kirk, the Klingons had no word for "surrender". After John Bolton, they will also have a word for "pants-wetting terror".

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(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

During Bush's State of the Union Address, Gold-Star Mother and crazed anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan was kicked out of the event for wearing a T-shirt that said "2245 Dead -- How Many More?".

Meanwhile, Beverly Young - wife of Congressman C.W. Bill Young, (R-Florida) - was given the boot for wearing a T-shirt that said "Support the Troops Defending Our Freedom."

Let's see, can't oppose the war... can't support the war... surely there's SOME t-shirt that's non-controversial enough to not get you kicked out of the SOTU address...

Maybe this Fun Cat Trivia T-shirt...

* White cats with blue eyes are deaf. White cats with one blue eye are deaf in one ear. White cats with glowing red eyes are witches. Drown them in holy water.

* A cat's normal body temperature is 102° F. unless it's trapped under a pile of burning books, in which case it's 451° F

* Cats have no eyelashes, so don't be suckered into buying Maybelline's "Catscara".

* Cats are colorblind and thus oppose Affirmative Action quotas.

* A cat can jump 7 times as high as it is tall, which impresses everyone except Chuck Norris.

* Cats can survive falls from great heights because their paw pads are made from the same material as Roger Rabbit's head.

* An adult cat blinks an average of three times per minute - about the same rate that Ted Kennedy drinks.

* Some common household objects are fatal to cats, like Tylenol, philodendron plants, anti-freeze, and bullets.

* Cats have A, B, and O blood types, just like people, which makes them good bait for vampire traps.

* Cats don't think of themselves as little people, they think of people as large cats. Therefore, in order to establish your dominance over them, you should pee on your cat's head every so often.

* A cat's fur has a thick undercoat which causes it to make the same sound as a baby harp seal when you club it.

* To a cat, litter-box-filler appears to have the same texture as Rice Krispies. Protect your breakfast accordingly.

* The average cat has 40 whiskers, or 10 more than Frank J.

* Catnip has the same effect on cats as marijuana does on human beings. The feline equivlent of Pink Floyd and Twinkies is still, as yet, unknown.

"A Danish newspaper published my Muhammed cartoon and all I got was this lousy fatwa."

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(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Now that Hamas has been elected to rule the Palestinian Authority, they've outlined their agenda for the first 100 days of their administration:

* Bury people who died from falling-bullet wounds. Blame deaths on JOOOOOOS!

* Throw rocks at JOOOOOOS! in retaliation.

* Realize too late how stupid it is to bring a rock to a gunfight.

* Attempt to be superior to all other Arab nations by raising an army that can't be beaten by a troop of Israeli Girl Scouts.

* Double the current Palestinian Authority spending on education programs by declaring that suicide bomber vests will now be considered "books".

* Scale back plans to push the JOOOOOOS! into the sea, by practicing on a pile of tiny pebbles.

* Get asses kicked by a pile of tiny Jewish pebbles.

* Give up attacking Israel and start with something easier to conquer, like France.

* Which will then become known as "Paristine".

* Attend formal dinner with Kim Jong Il, in celebration of the fact that he now pronounces the country's name correctly.

* Adopt new national motto of "Palestine - all the violent terrorist thuggery of other Arab nations, but without all the oil."

* Fly the new Palestinian flag (see extended entry)... more...

Posted by: Harvey at 01:47 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross posted from IMAO)

Congressional Democrats will be attempting to grab the moral high-ground by making ethics an issue in 2006. Specifically, they want to introduce a new Congressional "code of conduct", hoping to take advantage of the public's perception of scandal over the Abramoff affair.

Sure, Harry Reid funnels money to Nevada churches, Nancy Pelosi is "suddenly" remembering $8500 worth of vacations provided to her by lobbyists, and there aren't enough pixels in the entire internet to list all the wild spinnings of Ted Kennedy's moral compass - but still, I'm sure there's a lot the Dems can teach us about being well-behaved, as illustrated by these fake (but accurate) excerpts from the new Congressional Code of Conduct:

* The use of the phrase "President Bush" in a speech is forbidden unless the sentence also includes the words "liar", "Nazi", "failure", "warmonger", and/or "retard".

* Do NOT use tinfoil hats, as they've been shown to actually INCREASE one's susceptability to Karl Rove's mind-control rays.

* Prove how dangerous guns are by having your Secret Service bodyguard shoot people at random.

* Make sure he hits an Affirmative Action quota's worth of black people, lest you be accused of racism.

* Tell the victims' families that it was the Republicans' fault for not spending more on body armor.

* Don't take bribes. If someone offers you money in return for a promise to vote a certain way on a bill, that's a bribe. Just take the money and wink slyly - that way there's technically no promise involved, and it's considered a "campaign contribution".

* Avoid using the racist and offensive term "terrorist". Use "person of shrapnel" instead.

* Al Gore is NOT a piece of furniture - that's just his personality. Don't set your drink on him.

* If you do set your drink on him, at least use a coaster.

* Even if you just had a baby, don't offer a cigar to Hillary Clinton. It makes her twitchy for some reason.

* Carpooling can help save the Earth's precious, dwindling resources. Make sure there are at least two people in your vehicle at all times - for example, you and your limo driver.

* Whenever possible, shoot spitballs at that backstabber Zell Miller.

* If you accidentally put out his eye, blame the Republicans for not buying him body armor.

* True, body armor wouldn't have prevented an eye injury, buy your constituents are too stupid to figure that out, so there's no need to pass up a perfectly good opportunity to blame Republicans.

* Pointing out the resemblance between Nancy Pelosi and Michael Jackson will be grounds for censure.

* NO MORE CRYING!... [looking your way, Voinovich]

Posted by: Harvey at 07:43 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

So Ted Kennedy wrote a children's book called "My Senator And Me: A Dog's Eye View Of Washington, D.C.":

The gimmick of this book is that it's written from the perspective of his Portuguese Water Dog, whose name is Amigo's Seventh Wave, but who (seriously) goes by the nickname "Splash".

Interestingly, Splash is also the author of "My Senator Didn't See Me: A Dog's Earful of Things I Overheard Ted Say", notable for such Ted quotes as:

"No, I just accidentally washed my cap in hot water. My head is NOT getting bigger."

"I did NOT call you "Alioto" because I'm drunk, I called you Alioto because... oh, wait... you're right... nevermind."

"Can we hurry this up? I got a limo full of booze, broads, & bribes double-parked outside."

"If you don't vote for this bill, I will PERSONALLY drive each and every one of you home!"

Posted by: Harvey at 07:53 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

While recoiling in horror at such anti-American/pro-terrorist Hollywood offerings as Syriana - a movie about evil US oil companies causing innocent Muslims to become terrorists - and Munich - a movie about innocent terrorists victimized by bloodthirsty Israelis, I found out that Michael Moore has been tapped to do another re-make of King Kong.

Movie poster in the extended entry... more...

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(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Everyone knows that if you're facing an almost-certain death sentence, the best way to avoid it is by writing a children's book to soften your image, just like Stanley "Tookie" Williams did.

Ok, that's a bad example.

But still, a tome for the wee ones IS the only ticket to freedom for a vicious killer. Without one, he's guaranteed a ride in Old Sparky. Just look at what happened to O.J.

Ok, that wasn't a good example either.

The point is that you can soon expect to hear about what a wonderful guy Saddam is once his bibliography hits the New York Times.

What's that? You didn't know Saddam wrote children's books?

Of course he did. Here's just a small sampling of his works:

* Tyranny for Tots

* Curious George Invades Iraq

* One Fish, Two Fish, Dead Fish, JOOOOOOO! Fish

* Mommy Bakes Yellowcake

* Uday and Qusay Take a Bullet

* I Can Detonate My Own Vest!

* Horton Hears a Wahabbi

* Hide and Seek, Marco Polo, and Blind Man's Bluff: The Rainy Day Book of Fun U.N. Games

* Amelia Bedelia Beheads a Hostage

* Hassan Potter and the Half-Blood Infidel

* Little Camel Fluffy Toes and the Murderous Americans

* Are You There, Allah? It's Me, Fatima

* Little House on the Sand Dune

* My First Honor Killing

* Charlie and the Chemical Weapons Factory

* "Is That An IED?": An Explodey the Mouse Story

* The Tyrant, The Weasels, and the Warmonger

* The Poky Little Puppy and Other Unclean Animals

* Green Eggs and Hamas

Don't call me with them, though. Those cowards at the NSA might be listening in.

Posted by: Harvey at 07:45 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Rummy says that the US plans on pulling 7000 combat troops out of Iraq in 2006. Mostly because Iraqi security forces will be trained up enough to do most of the terrorist-shootin' themselves by that time. Hard to believe it's taking them this long to improve their marksmanship, but apparently Iraqis have worse aim than Ted Kennedy approaching a bridge, so we just have to make do with what we've got.

Meanwhile, we'll have 7000 troops with nothing to kill, so we'll need to find something else for them to do until Iran mouths off one time too many.

Here are my suggestions:

* Rub salve on Frank J's rash.

* Invade France - one can hold the gun while the other 6999 collect white flags from all the trembling surrender monkeys.

* Since Democrats are all pissed off about wiretapping terrorists, we'll just have the soldiers stand next to the terrorists and eavesdrop, instead.

* Use them to re-connect that loose wire on your computer's motherboard.

* No, wait... that's solders. Nevermind.

* After the '06 elections, the DNC is gonna need some logistical support to deliver their extra supplies of special "weeping hankies".

* Have them walk around New York City and gut-punch every lazy, overpaid Transport Workers Union bastard that went on strike.

* Rebuild the levees in New Orleans.

* Preferably with the bodies of the lazy, overpaid Transport Workers Union bastards that went on strike.

* Get 'em all likkered up & suggest that it might be fun to try pushing the UN Building into the East River... "it'll be sorta like cow tipping!"

* Give them each a pointy stick and have them poke at Howard Dean to see if they can get him to make that funny sound again.

* Give them a Holocaust Cloak and a wheelbarrow and have them storm the castle.

AFTER they finish with Howard Dean.

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(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Showing less self-control than a Democratic Underground troll hopped up on Red Bull and commenting at Free Republic, the President of Iran has recently made foolish statements such as "Israel should be wiped off the map", "the Holocaust never happened", and "developing a nuclear weapons program within flying distance of the Israeli Air Force is perfectly sensible".

To regain his credibility as "sane" in international diplomatic circles, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad decided to publish a pamphlet of interesting facts about Iran. Even though I can't read the drunken-monkey-fingerpainting that passes for their written language, I'm sure that my translation is at least as accurate as any given CBS news report.

* Iran was originally settled by a busload of people who got lost on their way to a 7-11 Owners' Convention.

* Iran is ruled by the "Council of Guardians" who strictly enforce the Koran's edicts all across the land. Living in Iran is like the Muslim version of living at Ned Flanders' house.

* I guess that would make the US troops in Iraq like Homer Simpson.

* Mmmm... infidelicious...

* The Iran-Iraq border is still littered with land mines from the Iran-Iraq war. If you need to sneak across the border, bring a Mexican to show you how to do it right.

* Before the founding of the Muslim empire in the region in 700 AD, there used to be two other countries between Iran and Iraq - namely Irao and Irap.

* For 8 years, Iran battled Iraq to a standstill, a feat that the Americans were unable to duplicate for almost an entire day during the Gulf War.

* If something smells like the back end of a camel, it could be the front end of an Iranian.

* Although some people - mostly filthy hippies - say that Iran is no threat to us, I still find it suspicious that their initials stand for Islamic Radicals Aren't Nice.

* Soon to stand for Idiots Receive American Nuking.

* In a battle between Iraq and Aquaman, Aquaman would raise an army of jellyfish and... right... who am I kidding? The Iranians would chop him into lutefisk before he even hit the beach.

* Iran's national symbol is:

I have NO idea... a pole-dancing penguin wearing a Mario moustache, maybe?

Posted by: Harvey at 09:14 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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1 Hahahaha! "pole-dancing penguin wearing a mario moustache..." Good one!

Posted by: Richmond at December 26, 2005 05:08 PM (e8QFP)

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(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

The Patriot Act is coming up for renewal, and although it already contains many helpful tools for assisting law enforcement personnel - like the right to root around in your sock drawer without a warrant to see if you have a copy of "Bouncy Burkha Bondage Babes" magazine (as all terrorists do) - the law is lacking in civilian education programs.

Let's face it. Cops can't be everywhere (unless you're making an illegal U-turn), so it's important that EVERYONE knows how to spot a terrorist. Especially children, since they have keen eyes and big, tattling mouths. That's why I think the Patriot Act should include funding for printing up a fun and colorful - yet instructive - pamphlet to help people practice spotting Islamofascist deviltry.

In the extended entry, you'll find a sample page from "Where's Osama?"... more...

Posted by: Harvey at 05:52 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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1 Umm, is the NYT reporter the guy in the flying saucer?

Posted by: Gunlord at December 16, 2005 08:01 PM (1vlkH)

2 Ok, so I didn't find the reporter...I found Osama, tho. Cool poster!

Posted by: Tammy at December 17, 2005 06:21 AM (tcZWY)

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(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Have you noticed lately that the MSM isn't doing diddly as far as reporting any good news from Iraq?

Me too.

So, given that there IS actually good news to be reported (as the weekly CentCom newsletter so amply demonstrates) I thought I'd share what I knew.

Interspersed - just for fun - with how I imagine your standard Liberal Media terrorist-coddling lapdogs would title the story.

Feel free to play along, if you'd like.

250,000 THREATENED WITH ARREST AND DETENTION IN IRAQ! WHO WILL BE BUSH'S NEXT VICTIM?

2. The completion of renovations to 12 schools in Baghdad, Basrah, and Al Anbar Provinces will equal a better learning environment and brighter future for over 7,200 Iraqi schoolchildren and 50 teachers.

US PROPAGANDA JUGGERNAUT ROLLS OVER IRAQI CHILDREN!

3. Over 29 km of new roads between Qadisiyah Province and Wassit Province will provide a safer travel route for farming villages to transport their crops to the market and reaching larger towns such as Baghdad.

BUSH FAILURE MAKES IT EASIER FOR ROADSIDE BOMBERS TO STRIKE!

4. 500,000 people annually will benefit from six renovated railroad station in Qadisiyah Province will provide protection from the environment while the passengers wait to board the train and for the stationmaster to schedule freight movements.

BUSH FORCES IRAQIS INTO OVERCROWDED TRAINS: EASY TARGETS FOR TERRORISTS INSURGENTS FREEDOM-FIGHTERS!

5. 150,000 residents between Baghdad, Ninewa, and Wassit Province now enjoy more reliable electricity as their 15 km of electrical power feeder were installed to local distribution substations.

IS BUSH PLANNING NEW "ELECTRIC CHAIR" TORTURE CHAMBER IN IRAQ?

6. 80,000 people between Maysan, Najaf, and Ninewa Provinces now enjoy potable water with the installation of three compact water units and repair of 27 km of water line.

IRAQI WATER MAY CONTAIN DEPLETED URANIUM: BUSH'S NEW PLOT TO POISON IRAQI BABIES!

7. Four border forts in Maysan Province and two border forts in Al Anbar Province will increase the security along the border with Iran and Saudia Arabia, allow for the proper training of the border police, and provide additional logistical support for border patrols.

BUSH'S IRAQI POLICE STATE: THE NEW EAST BERLIN?

8. The completion of a Port of Entry in Ninewa province will expedite the safe passage of thousands of vehicles and persons traveling between Iraq and Syria daily.

FASTER PASSAGE FORTERRORISTS INSURGENTS FREEDOM-FIGHTERS? BUSH SAYS "BRING IT ON"!

9. Fire stations in Al Anbar, Basrah, Diyala, and Kirkuk Provinces will increase fire security for 100,000 residents in local towns and provide an excellent training facility for firefighters.

100,000 IRAQIS LULLED INTO FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY IN SPITE OF MASSIVE FIRE THREAT!

10. Completion of cluster pump station is part of an overall project to restore water injection to pre-war levels. The water injection infrastructure is critical to providing adequate pressure on the oil reservoir in the Rumaylah field and has a direct impact on crude oil production output.

BUSH RAMPS UP THEFT OF IRAQI OIL!

By the way, the CentCom newsletter is free, contains the stories the MSM doesn't bother reporting, and can be delivered to your inbox by clicking this link & leaving your e-mail address.

If you don't sign up, then the MSM terrorists will have won.

Posted by: Harvey at 07:00 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 610 words, total size 4 kb.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Just freakin' CREEPY...

What could possibly go wrong?

Michael Moore - "Great book. I ate a copy with some fava beans and a nice chianti."

Joan Baez - "Best. Book. Ever. I mean, if it weren't for this book, I wouldn't have my picture posted at Amazon.com?

Fine. Let's just cut to the chase. If Cindy's book were a dog, it'd be this one:

Meanwhile, I'll quote you one last Amazon review:

After reading this book everyone should be able to realize how painful it is for a mother to live without her son, how oainful it for a wife to live without husband who is killed in war.

Of course, I'm sure some people don't need a book to realize that...

Not One More Mother's Child, indeed.

UPDATE: more tracking of Amazon's review activities at IMAO and GOP and College.

Posted by: Harvey at 10:52 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 390 words, total size 3 kb.

1 You know, until the book came out, I really did feel sorry for her and prefered La Shawn Barber's approach to the whole thing. However, seeing as she's trying to cash in on it, I feel sorry for her son. This is why I don't know if I could be a Marine like the rest of my family. Although death does frighten me, I would gladly give my life to protect people like you Harvey, FrankJ, SarahK, La Shawn, Ed Morrissey (did I spell his name right?), Charles Johnson, that girl that says "Hi" to me, Ms. Cosgrove, and everyone else who's made my life such a wonderful thing. However, the thought of dying for people like Cindy Sheehan, Michael Moore, Charlie Furman (my school's resident Communist. Really, he worships Chairman Mao), Al Sharpton, and Gary Trudeau, makes me wonder if it's worth it. Not to mention if I were a soldier and there were a bunch of college kids shouting nasty things at me, it would be too hard for me not to waste all of them.

Posted by: Gunlord at December 03, 2005 08:11 AM (1vlkH)

2 Um... you do know that dog is dead, right? Or was that part of the point?

Posted by: pam at December 03, 2005 08:39 AM (l6NIn)

3 Yeah, I forgot that the dog is dead. He was lucky that his owners were loving and didn't care about his appearance. I hope that they're okay.

Posted by: Gunlord at December 03, 2005 09:58 AM (1vlkH)

4 Pam - I heard about the dog's passing, but that wasn't why I posted the picture. Although I suppose calling Cindy's book a DEAD ugly dog might be even crueller than what I had originnaly planned. Which is fine :-)

Posted by: Harvey at December 04, 2005 10:34 AM (ubhj8)

5 I'm a little offended. I am not a communist, and I certainly do not worship Mao. I actually rather like the idea of a freemarket. I am a confirmed libertarian.

Posted by: Charlie at December 21, 2005 11:00 PM (H2QWW)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

So I keep hearing Democrats claiming that Bush lied about the reasons for going to war in Iraq - because he said that he knew that Saddam had WMD.

But then I find out that these same Democrats - or possibly others... I can't tell, they all look alike to me - were saying that THEY knew that Saddam had WMD.

Maybe they're crazy.

But then again, maybe there's another explanation... Let's see...

* Don't look at me like that - it happened on Days Of Our Lives.

* Latest talking points memo from the Abilene Kinko's was in a hard-to-read font - confusion ensued.

* Memo may have sustained water damage from riding in a car with Ted Kennedy.

* Ditto Ted Kennedy's memory.

* Of course, that might have been the gin.

* Or the Scotch

* Possibly the Sterno

* Clinton's quotes contain the word "is", so there's no way to tell what he really meant.

* They only said those things in the first place because President Bush drove up to their houses with a huge truck full of cash & hookers. Haven't we ALL had a moment of weakness?

* What the Democrats said doesn't count because they had their fingers crossed.

* They didn't say "Saddam has WMD", they said "Saddam has WMB", as in "Saddam has Wondrous Man Booty".

* Democrats are hypocritical weasels who will do or say ANYTHING to regain political power, regardless of any negative repercussions on the troops in the field.

Eh. I'm sure ONE of those is the right answer.

Posted by: Harvey at 08:28 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 353 words, total size 2 kb.