October 27, 2004
Every election needs a last-minute, deal-busting revelation to come out just to keep things interesting.
And sell papers.
My predictions for the 2004 Presidential race:
It will be discovered that gin-soaked raisins don't cure arthritis, but actually cause cancer.
Terry Kerry will counter that they only causes cancer in laboratory animals and people who've never held a real job.
The Bush-cocaine rumor will re-surface, with the twist being that W was too dumb to realize that it was actually powdered sugar.
Documents emerge showing that - while attending Viet Nam peace talks in Paris in 1971 - John Kerry played strip poker with Viet Cong leader Madame Nguyen Thi Binh
While a cheerleader in Texas, George Bush slept with the Captain of the football team.
After the Democratic convention, Republican operatives secretly replaced Terry Kerry with Karl Rove in drag. John Kerry reportedly commented "I thought she was unusually snug lately"
The goose that John Kerry claims to have shot was actually faxed to him from a Kinko's in Abilene.
Elizabeth Edwards has an explosive temper and once shot a bathroom scale for "being a filthy liar".
That object that John Kerry smuggled into the first debate wasn't a pen, but a pocket gay-dar, which enabled him to detect and reveal Mary Cheney's lesbianicity.
John Edwards is a grown man who takes 5 minutes to comb his hair and he carries a compact. John Kerry has to turn his pocket gay-dar off whenever they're together.
Kerry campaign operatives were discovered to be behind the recent spate of Blogspot and mu.nu blog outages.
Hitler endorses Kerry using Christopher Reeves's magic beyond-the-grave cell phone.
Bush once won a Texas Chili Cook-Off with his "5-Alarm Barn-Burning Baby-Meat Chili" recipe.
In 1996, Kerry was arrested for beating a homeless person to death with a picnic table.
Wait... that was Glenn Reynolds. Sorry.
Kerry was arrested after he beat his maid to death for not getting the skidmarks out of his pink silk boxers.
Actually he had his butler handle the beating part, as he didn't want to risk mussing his important-looking hair.
Bush forces his dog, Barney, to use a litter box.
In a blind taste test, Kerry chose Hunts.
Posted by: Harvey at
07:06 PM
| Comments (2)
| Add Comment
Post contains 378 words, total size 3 kb.
October 20, 2004
God forbid Kerry ever gets elected, but if he does, who might he appoint to his Cabinet? I shall speculate thusly:
Agriculture - Kevin Kostner who, in Field of Dreams, plowed under his cash crop in the middle of the growing season to build a baseball diamond in the middle of nowhere, because he heard voices in his head. Since this makes about as much sense as the average Federal farm program, he'd be a good fit.
Commerce - Hillary Clinton. Anyone who can make $100,000 off cattle futures in 6 months must be pretty smart when it comes to buying and selling.
Defense - Ellie Mae Clampett. With that slingshot of hers, she could easily kill terrorists with spitballs.
Education - Mrs. Krabappel. She'll fix America's schools if she has to sleep with every single principal to do it.
Energy - Richard Simmons. He always seems perky.
Healthy & Human Services - Heidi Fleiss. She knows ALL about servicing.
Homeland Security - Barney Fife. With our French allies keeping us safe from terrorists, surely we need no more to protect this country than one man carrying a bullet in his shirt pocket.
Housing and Urban Development - Jimmy Carter. When he's not busy chumming it up with commies, he swings a mean hammer and could get a lot of houses built.
Interior - Monica Lewinsky. The experiences of her interior are well documented.
Labor - Bobbi McCaughey.
State - Michael Moore. Based on Matty O'Blackfive's recommendation (see Hollywood Hijinks section, second to last paragraph).
Transportation - That guy who invented the stretch Hummer.
Treasury - Me. I think I could bring honor to his administration.
Veterans Affairs - Lyndie England. She has experience with both.
Attorney General - Johnny Cochran. For his unparalleled ability to bust a rhyme.
Administrator, Environmental Protection Agency - Ralph Nader. Mostly just to shut him up for '08.
Director, Office of Management and Budget - Arthur Andersen. Say good-bye to embarrassing budget deficits with the world's most creative accountant.
Director, National Drug Control Policy - Ricky Williams. Now THERE'S a man who could single-handedly eliminate the nation's illegal drug supply.
U.S. Trade Representative - George W. Bush. He knows how to trade blood for oil.
And if Kerry ever elevates the Surgeon General to Cabinet status, he can always appoint his wife, Scary Terry Kerry, for her ability to cure arthritis with fruit & booze.
Posted by: Harvey at
08:11 PM
| Comments (1)
| Add Comment
Post contains 413 words, total size 4 kb.
October 13, 2004
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
If John Kerry is elected president, I expect him to issue the following order to the Department of Defense:
To keep my campaign promise of fighting a more sensitive war on terror, please make the following nomenclature adjustments to all orders, directives, memos, and press releases by your department. On the left are the old, insensitive terms you are no longer to use, followed by their approved substitutes:
Terrorists - Fuzzy Bunnies
US Army - Happy Campers
US Marines - Power Puff Girls
US Navy - Free Willies
US Air Force - Butterflies
Killed - Went to Disneyland
Wounded - Kissed on the forehead
Attacked - Hugged
War - Summit meeting
A sample press release might read: "The summit meeting in Iraq was quite eventful today. In a joint operation between the Happy Campers, Power Puff Girls, Free Willies, and Butterflies, a group of fuzzy bunnies were hugged. Dozens went to Disneyland, while hundreds more were kissed on the forehead."
Thank you for your cooperation, and have a pleasant day.
Personally, I say send 'em all to Disneyland.
Dead terrorists don't have feelings to hurt, which is plenty sensitive enough for me.
Posted by: Harvey at
07:33 PM
| Comments (7)
| Add Comment
Post contains 218 words, total size 1 kb.
October 06, 2004
The following is from a secret memo that Muqtada al-Sadr faxed to the Kerry campaign from Abilene Baghdad:
My Dearest Sahib John F'n Kerry,
It has come to my attention that you are doing poorly in the polls. This disappoints me greatly. I need you to get elected if I want to live to see the end of Ramadan this year.
For both our sakes, please implement the following suggestions:
You did well to sneak your secret pen-gun into the debates last time. Next time, remember to take the bullet out of your shirt pocket before trying to shoot Bush, OK there, Deputy Fife?
Try rigging an improvised explosive device in Bush's podium. These are very simple to construct, and I know you have a can of Clairol Ultra-Important Hair Spray somewhere that you can attach a fuse to.
Set it to go off when he says "nu-cu-lar".
If you can't eliminate Bush during the debates, you'll have to out-campaign him. Have your people offer a "negative campaign ad cease fire". After he accepts, saturate the airwaves with claims that he's a drunken, AWOL coke-head.
Be sure to mention that he also looks like a chimp.
If Bush accuses you of flip-flopping, fire a gun into the air and scream "ULULULULULULU!"
When the campaign donation from Yassir Arafat arrives, don't spend it. His checks have been bouncing lately.
If you get more than 5% behind in the polls, try blowing up a police station.
Finally please make that girly-man Edwards wear a burkha so that the faithful aren't tempted by his soft, pouty lips.
Your Avid Fan,
Muqtada
P.S. Don't let the pajamhadeen get ahold of this memo, or it'll be SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS! for both of us.
Posted by: Harvey at
08:01 PM
| Comments (1)
| Add Comment
Post contains 303 words, total size 2 kb.
72 queries taking 0.0811 seconds, 164 records returned.
Powered by Minx 1.1.6c-pink.
