(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

With all the hubbub about terrorists being tortured at Gitmo, the pansy Republicans agreed to shut down the detention facilities.

Not wanting to be accused of exacerbating the homeless problem, they started handing out government grants to encourage the creation of private detention facilities.

I checked it out - $50 per month per terrorist. That's some sweet cash!

So I figured I'd make a little money on the side by starting my own concentration camp, "Harv's House O' Happy Hebrew-Haters". All I had to do was keep these wacky Muslims from either escaping or complaining to Amnesty International and I'd make enough money to get that cool new PornStation Portable I'd had my eye on.

It seemed like a good idea at the time, but - as you can tell from the security tape excerpts - it... could've gone better...

ABDUL: AIEEEEE! Stop torturing me with that horrible noise!

HARV: (muttering) Crap! There's the "T" word! I'll never get my PSP if word of this gets out! (normal voice) But it's "Mecca and the Mohammeds!" It's got all those twangy sitars and people going "ULULULULULU!" that you jihadis like so much.

ABDUL: You KNOW what I want to hear...

HARV: But...

ABDUL: SING, infidel!

HARV [in best Britney voice]: Oops!...I did it again
I played with your heart, got lost in the game
Oh baby, baby
Oops!...You think I'm in love
That I'm sent from above
I'm not that innocent...

HARV: In order to obtain your "Civilized Human Being" certification, you have to complete several excercises. The first is to write "I will not blow people up" 1000 times on this chalkboard.

JAMAL: 100 times.

HARV: 500.

JAMAL: 50.

HARV: You're supposed to go UP, not DOWN, you idiot!

JAMAL: You called me a name! I'm telling Amnesty International!

HARV: Fine. 50. Here's your chalk.

JAMAL: TORTURE!

HARV: NOW what?

JAMAL: Chalk dust is a carcinogen, just like second-hand smoke!

HARV: Chalk dust is completely harmless!

JAMAL: You're a torturer! AND a tool of Big Chalk!

HARV: Have you been watching Truth.com commercials again?

HARV: Ok, Khalid, here's your drink...

KHALID: TORTURE!

HARV: But it's Mecca Cola! The kind with real camel pee!

KHALID: There's no ice.

HARV: There! Two cubes.

KHALID: TORTURE!

HARV: For God's sake! NOW what?

KHALID: Too much ice. It'll get watery. Oh, and you took the Lord's name in vain. Put my drink in a Betty Boop Freezer Mug or I'll tell SarahK on you!

At this point I snapped and beat them all bloody with my Louisville Slugger.

I have to go to a Siberian Gulag for sensitivity training next week, but at least I found out where Osama's hiding. Figure I can trade the information for a PSP.

mmmm... porta-porn...

Posted by: Harvey at 12:31 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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