January 25, 2006
Congressional Democrats will be attempting to grab the moral high-ground by making ethics an issue in 2006. Specifically, they want to introduce a new Congressional "code of conduct", hoping to take advantage of the public's perception of scandal over the Abramoff affair.
Sure, Harry Reid funnels money to Nevada churches, Nancy Pelosi is "suddenly" remembering $8500 worth of vacations provided to her by lobbyists, and there aren't enough pixels in the entire internet to list all the wild spinnings of Ted Kennedy's moral compass - but still, I'm sure there's a lot the Dems can teach us about being well-behaved, as illustrated by these fake (but accurate) excerpts from the new Congressional Code of Conduct:
* Don't vote for any bridge projects unless they include provisions for guard rails which can withstand the impact of a 1967 Oldsmobile Delta 88.
* The use of the phrase "President Bush" in a speech is forbidden unless the sentence also includes the words "liar", "Nazi", "failure", "warmonger", and/or "retard".
* Do NOT use tinfoil hats, as they've been shown to actually INCREASE one's susceptability to Karl Rove's mind-control rays.
* Prove how dangerous guns are by having your Secret Service bodyguard shoot people at random.
* Make sure he hits an Affirmative Action quota's worth of black people, lest you be accused of racism.
* Tell the victims' families that it was the Republicans' fault for not spending more on body armor.
* Don't take bribes. If someone offers you money in return for a promise to vote a certain way on a bill, that's a bribe. Just take the money and wink slyly - that way there's technically no promise involved, and it's considered a "campaign contribution".
* Avoid using the racist and offensive term "terrorist". Use "person of shrapnel" instead.
* Al Gore is NOT a piece of furniture - that's just his personality. Don't set your drink on him.
* If you do set your drink on him, at least use a coaster.
* Even if you just had a baby, don't offer a cigar to Hillary Clinton. It makes her twitchy for some reason.
* Carpooling can help save the Earth's precious, dwindling resources. Make sure there are at least two people in your vehicle at all times - for example, you and your limo driver.
* Whenever possible, shoot spitballs at that backstabber Zell Miller.
* If you accidentally put out his eye, blame the Republicans for not buying him body armor.
* True, body armor wouldn't have prevented an eye injury, buy your constituents are too stupid to figure that out, so there's no need to pass up a perfectly good opportunity to blame Republicans.
* Pointing out the resemblance between Nancy Pelosi and Michael Jackson will be grounds for censure.
* NO MORE CRYING!... [looking your way, Voinovich]
Of course, none of this will help once word of the Democratic mining scandal gets out.
Posted by: Harvey at
07:43 PM
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January 20, 2006
So Ted Kennedy wrote a children's book called "My Senator And Me: A Dog's Eye View Of Washington, D.C.":
The gimmick of this book is that it's written from the perspective of his Portuguese Water Dog, whose name is Amigo's Seventh Wave, but who (seriously) goes by the nickname "Splash".
Interestingly, Splash is also the author of "My Senator Didn't See Me: A Dog's Earful of Things I Overheard Ted Say", notable for such Ted quotes as:
"PPPPFFFFFTTTT! Who the F%$@ put WATER in my Evian bottle!"
"No, I just accidentally washed my cap in hot water. My head is NOT getting bigger."
"I did NOT call you "Alioto" because I'm drunk, I called you Alioto because... oh, wait... you're right... nevermind."
"Can we hurry this up? I got a limo full of booze, broads, & bribes double-parked outside."
"If you don't vote for this bill, I will PERSONALLY drive each and every one of you home!"
Also be on the lookout for Splash's new book, "My Senator And Me and Mary Jo: A Dog's Eye View of Chappaquiddick". Picture from the back of the dust jacket in the extended entry... more...
Posted by: Harvey at
07:53 PM
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January 12, 2006
While recoiling in horror at such anti-American/pro-terrorist Hollywood offerings as Syriana - a movie about evil US oil companies causing innocent Muslims to become terrorists - and Munich - a movie about innocent terrorists victimized by bloodthirsty Israelis, I found out that Michael Moore has been tapped to do another re-make of King Kong.
Movie poster in the extended entry... more...
Posted by: Harvey at
03:25 PM
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January 06, 2006
Everyone knows that if you're facing an almost-certain death sentence, the best way to avoid it is by writing a children's book to soften your image, just like Stanley "Tookie" Williams did.
Ok, that's a bad example.
But still, a tome for the wee ones IS the only ticket to freedom for a vicious killer. Without one, he's guaranteed a ride in Old Sparky. Just look at what happened to O.J.
Ok, that wasn't a good example either.
The point is that you can soon expect to hear about what a wonderful guy Saddam is once his bibliography hits the New York Times.
What's that? You didn't know Saddam wrote children's books?
Of course he did. Here's just a small sampling of his works:
* The Berenstain Bears Big Book of Burkhas
* Tyranny for Tots
* Curious George Invades Iraq
* One Fish, Two Fish, Dead Fish, JOOOOOOO! Fish
* Mommy Bakes Yellowcake
* Uday and Qusay Take a Bullet
* I Can Detonate My Own Vest!
* Horton Hears a Wahabbi
* Hide and Seek, Marco Polo, and Blind Man's Bluff: The Rainy Day Book of Fun U.N. Games
* Amelia Bedelia Beheads a Hostage
* Hassan Potter and the Half-Blood Infidel
* Little Camel Fluffy Toes and the Murderous Americans
* Are You There, Allah? It's Me, Fatima
* Little House on the Sand Dune
* My First Honor Killing
* Charlie and the Chemical Weapons Factory
* "Is That An IED?": An Explodey the Mouse Story
* The Tyrant, The Weasels, and the Warmonger
* The Poky Little Puppy and Other Unclean Animals
* Green Eggs and Hamas
If you know of any more of Saddam's books, leave the titles in the comments.
Don't call me with them, though. Those cowards at the NSA might be listening in.
Posted by: Harvey at
07:45 PM
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