January 26, 2005
It makes me weep to see the Democrats get thrashed in election after election, so I'm offering some helpful tips on how they can improve their chances in 2006 and beyond:
Have all Democratic candidates run around screaming "YEARRRRRGH!" so as to make Howard Dean seem normal.
Rename it the "Demoshizzilatic Par-TAY!" to attract the youth vote.
Just kidding. Trusting the youth vote is like trusting Bill Clinton's marriage vows.
Read the parts of the Bible to the right of the page where it says "Published by Tyndale House"
Adhere closely to the "cigars are ONLY for SMOKING" rule.
Drive Hummers.
Bonus for driving them over hippies.
Fill in the blank: "The only good terrorist is a(n) _______ terrorist". If your answer was "hugged", "understood", or "appeased", try again.
Things that should be cut: taxes, trees, your graying ponytail.
Try running talentless hack action movie actors for high elective office. And no, you can't borrow Bruce Willis.
No, Eastwood is ours, too.
When someone mentions the word "God", don't get that goosed Chihuahua look.
Admit that "wetland" is just a fancy word for "swamp". Mud doesn't need protective legislation.
Don't even THINK about passing a "fat tax" to "promote healthy eating habits". Remember, Congressmen are a good source of protein and they taste like chicken.
The only difference between Ted Kennedy and a mumbling wino is a shave and a New England accent. Lock him away somewhere, he's scaring the children.
Hillary = Bill = you lose. Don't use her.
Seriously. Put down the Hillary & back away slowly.
Old IBM Selectric typewriters can be obtained fairly cheaply off of eBay.
Ditto Armstrong Williams.
But the most important change the Democrats can make?
Root for the guys wearing the body armor, NOT the guys wearing the explosives.
Posted by: Harvey at
05:52 PM
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January 19, 2005
After the Dan Rather Memogate report came out, I was surprised to read that CBS's actions did NOT constitute liberal bias.
Confused, I decided that I needed to upgrade my bias-spotting abilities. I chose to go directly to the expert on the topic - Dan Rather. The following is a partial transcript of our conversation:
Harv: Dan, I see in the official CBS report that that whole tawdry memo episode WASN'T an instance of liberal bias. I'm puzzled by that conclusion.
Dan: There's nothing to be puzzled about. Everything I said was the truth, and any use of the truth is, by definition, not biased.
Harv: But those memos were fake!
Dan: Fake, but accurate.
Harv: Bull, but shit. Anyway, let's see if I can understand where you guys draw the line between objectivity and bias. Take, for example, this recent headline from the CBS web site: "Bush publicly fondles woman's breast"
Dan: All true
Harv: Bush was 6 months old and breastfeeding at the time.
Dan: A grope by any other name.
Harv: So... not biased?
Dan: Nope.
Harv: Ok, how about this one: "Bush blends puppy in White House"
Dan: All true.
Harv: Are you sure you're not thinking of Glenn Reynolds?
Dan: Who?
Harv: Nevermind. Please... explain.
Dan: When Barney first arrived at the White House, he wasn't quite weaned, and Bush had to mix up a special formula for his food. I guess someone forgot to put the comma after the word "blends". Just an innocent typo on that one.
Harv: Hmmmm... I guess. But what about, "Bush's secret love affair with Saddam"?
Dan: Heh. Just another innocent typo. Bush was reminiscing about how, when he was a boy, he saw Emmett Kelly at the circus. That headline was supposed to read, "Bush's secret love: a fair with sad man".
Harv: Ummm... yeah... So what about "Bush backdoors goat"
Dan: "Bush backwards coat" - He bought a reversible jacket.
Harv: Slow news day?
Dan: Just Michael Moore winning the People's Choice Award. No one cares about him when he shaves & wears a suit.
Harv: Have to agree. Now this one... "Bush disembowels Iraqi babies, bathes in their entrails".
Dan: Supposed to be "Bush wins second term". Boy, that webmaster's been sloppy lately. Looks like he'll have to go on the chopping block along with everyone else who isn't me.
Harv: You have NO conscience. How do you sleep at night?
Dan: Naked on a pile of money.
So there you have it. CBS doesn't do bias. Just typos.
Rot in hell, Rather, you worthless, lying sack of crap.
OOPS! That was supposed to be "distinguished news anchor". Guess I'll have to fire my proofreader.
Posted by: Harvey at
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January 12, 2005
Apu & Vidu, two Sri Lankans tasked with distributing tsunami relief supplies, are working in the intake warehouse doing inventory prior to sending the goods on to the needy. Let's listen in..
Apu: ... blankets, medicine, clothes, canned goods...
Vidu: Must be another crate from America. They always give cool stuff. OO! Look! Spiderman pajamas!
Apu: That's probably from some blogger.
Vidu: Ya know, for being stingy, there sure is a lot of stuff with Jesusland return addresses.
Apu: And not much from the United States of Canada.
Vidu: Speaking of not much, I could use a break. Let's go inventory stuff from the non-stingy parts of the world for a while.
Apu: What... that tiny pile in the corner?... Sure. Shouldn't take more than a couple minutes.
Vidu: Here's a box from France... cigars?
Apu: Actually, those are from Bill Clinton. They must've got put in the wrong pile.
Vidu: Do these smell funny to you?
Apu: You shouldn't touch those. You don't know where they've been.
Vidu: I have my suspicions...
Apu: We'll give 'em to a UN diplomat later... Ah! There's the box from France...
Vidu: Dirty berets & flags.
Apu: EW! They smell like those cigars!
Vidu: I thought the French flag was blue, white & red?
Apu: One out of three ain't bad. What's next?
Vidu: Something from North Korea... I didn't think they had anything to spare. I heard they were so desperate they were eating grass.
Apu: At least they're not eating stinky cigars.
Vidu: Even *Bill* wouldn't eat something that smelled like that. Let's see what's in the... GAH! Dead poodles!
Apu: No... that's just leftovers from the "Let us trim our hair in accordance with Socialist lifestyle." campaign.
Vidu: What are we going to do with a 200-pound hairy box?
Apu: I'll bet Bill asked himself the same question...
Vidu: You're disgusting...
Apu: Moving right along, we have this from Canada.
Vidu: 100,000 "Kerry for President" bumper stickers?
Apu: They'll make good toilet paper.
Vidu: Kinda sticky to be any good.
Apu: I'll bet Bill said the same...
Vidu: Will you please SHUT UP?
Apu: Sorry. Couldn't help myself. What's in this one?
Vidu: Looks like oily kitchen table cloths.
Apu: Must be from the Saudis.
Vidu: I would have expected them to send something USEFUL. [holds up a cloth] What am I supposed to do with this greasy, nasty thing?
Apu: I'll bet Bill asked...
Vidu: I'm going to KILL you! [starts strangling Apu with oily cloth]
While Apu & Vidu sort out their differences, I'd like to take this opportunity to remind everyone the the victims of the tsunami could still use help.
Oddly enough, Bill Clinton DID say that.
Posted by: Harvey at
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January 05, 2005
Sure, videos of terrorists reading political speeches into a microphone are informative, but there's no entertainment value. Time to spice things up a bit, Osama, so your next video ain't as dull as a Bob Newhart phone call sketch.
First, you have to realize that this is the 21st century, and audiences expect eye-popping graphics in the opening credits. Maybe you could have a picture of someone backdooring a camel which morphs into your face, and then have that explode into flaming letters that spell OSAMA!
That should get people's attention.
Now I realize you're kinda locked into the semi-documentary format for the rest of it, but perhaps you could spice it up a bit with random pop-up trivia boxes that would provide the audience with:
At any given time, more than 30,000 fleas call Osama's beard home.
1527 of them currently sublet to lice.
OSAMA is actually an acronym for Old Stupid Asshole Molesting Animals.
Used to work in a meat processing plant, smoking bacon, although he claims he didn't inhale.
Wants to be Saddam's 72nd virgin.
Still bitter that Michael Moore edged him out for first prize at Cannes.
Claims to this day that the "goat incident" was consensual.
Osama spelled backwards is "amaso" which, coincidentally, is Arabic for "turd"
When completely unwrapped, Osama's turban is 66 feet long, which should be plenty enough to hang the bastard.
Favorite ice cream flavor - Sandy Road.
Osama's less famous cousin Bob Bin Laden sells used cars in Newark.
Bob never masterminded a terrorist attack, but he'll still try to sell you undercoating that you don't need, so don't trust him!
Although Osama appears to be reading his speech, if you'll look closely you can see that he's actually lip synching "Cabaret"
His profound love of show tunes does NOT impugn his heterosexuality.
Much.
The first thing Osama ever blew up was an inflatable sheep.
That doesn't make him gay, either.
The fact that he's wearing lipstick IS a bad sign, though.
Ok, he's a poofter, but he's still closeted, so don't tell him I told you.
Posted by: Harvey at
10:16 PM
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