May 26, 2006
Despite the European Union's numerous offers of flowers & candy, Iran's lunatic president Imabigdweeby (or whatever his name is) still refuses to stop enriching uranium.
Need to put a stop to that.
So I recommend sending in the Double Secret British Special Forces Commando Team to shut them down with some of their patented pacification techniques, which include such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to World Peace, and possibly one or more of the following:
* Park a giant wooden rabbit outside the enrichment facility, then - when the Iranians bring it inside - they'll sneak out to open the gates for... RUN AWAY!!!
* Soundly ignore any and all Iranian complaints about dead parrots.
* Wear high heels, skip and jump, press wildflowers, put on women's clothing and hang around the gates of the facility waiting for a chance to sneak in and blow it up with the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.
* Write a strongly worded resolution, wrap it around an arrow, and fire it into Imabigdweeby's bodyguard, Concorde.
* Burst into the enrichment facility, search it for cheese, and start shooting people if none is found. Starting with the bouzouki player.
* Taunt the Iranians.
* Taunt them a second time if necessary.
* Do something in their general direction, but only if it doesn't violate the Geneva Convention, because Amnesty International is like a freakin' pit bull on these sorts of things nowadays.
* Demand that the Iranians dismantle their nuclear program immediately. If they refuse, explain that you're very sorry, but you're not allowed to argue with them anymore unless they dismantle their nuclear program.
* Slap Imabigdweeby with a fish.
* Bomb the nuclear facilities, invade the country, kill the leaders, and steal their huge tracts of land.
If none of that works, I suppose we can always try giving the Nuts Who Say "Nuke!" a shrubbery.
Posted by: Harvey at
12:47 PM
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May 19, 2006
Donald Rumsfeld was on the Hugh Hewitt show last week, and he mentioned blogs.
I hope that means he'll be starting one soon.
I mean, sure, he's done a great job as Secretary of Terrorizing Terrorists or whatever his title is, but he's also a great communicator and his talent is being wasted.
If nothing else, at least he wouldn't be a weepy little woman like Tony Snow.
Granted, it probably wouldn't be the BEST blog in the world - just lots of pictures of him strangling journalists and hippies and feeding their twisted corpses to Chomps - but I'll bet it would have a cool name, like maybe....
* Rumstapundit
* The Only Good Terrorist Is A Dead Terrorist, and the World Needs More Good Terrorists
* Shut Up! I'm Trying to Hegemonize!
* Hand Grenades In The Podium And Other Keys To A Successful Press Conference
* What Good Is Having Nukes If We're Not Going To Use Them?
* I TOLD You Not To Listen To Colin Powell!
* I Don't Want To Beat You To Death With Your Own Press Credentials, But I Will If I Have To
* Invade Their Country and Steal Their Oil - Solutions To Illegal Immigration
* KILL! KILL! KILL! - The Rumsfeld Doctrine Explained
* You Say "Torturing Terrorists" Like It's a BAD Thing
* Five Point Palm Exploding Heart and Other Love Poems
* I Like You. I'll Kill You Last
* I Miss Napalm
* I'm Only Wearing Glasses So That My Eyes Don't Jump Out of My Head and Strangle You
* Pale Rider's Adventures In Apocalyptic Horsemanship
* Kittens, Puppies, Rainbows, and Other Irritants
* Remember When I Said I'd Kill You Last?... I Lied
Or maybe he'll just go with IMAO (Immolate Mutilate Annihilate Obliterate)
Any other guesses?
Posted by: Harvey at
02:02 PM
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May 10, 2006
Some folks are upset that terrorist scumbag Zacarias Moussaoui didn't get the death penalty.
Personally, I don't think he deserved death. I mean, he didn't actually DO anything, right? As the great philosopher Sideshow Bob once said, "Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry?"
Me, I think Moussaoui should become America's new symbol of Justice.
By which I mean he should be blindfolded, have a sword and scales placed in his outstretched hands, be encased in concrete, and placed in front of the US District Court in Alexandria Virginia.
The pigeons will take care of the rest.
Posted by: Harvey at
03:37 PM
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May 04, 2006
Recently rumors have surfaced that Dan Rather is contemplating quitting CBS and taking up blogging.
Now there's no mystery regarding WHAT he'd blog about - his cat, his colon, how much it sucks to be living in his daughter's basement - after all, he's lost without his teleprompter.
The only question is what he would call his blog. I speculate thusly on the possibilities:
* Rather Ironic, Isn't It?
* Speaking Half-Truths to Power
* Drink the TANG
* CBS Evening KOS
* I Am NOT Making This Up!
* Here's the Frequency, Now Stop Calling Me Kenneth!
* Delusions By Dan
* Democratic Underwear
* Funny Like Colbert, Except Not On TV
* I'm STILL Not Wearing Pants When I Sit Behind My Desk
* Now With Superscripts!
* Take A Memo
* Rather's Blathers
* Please Stop Fact-Checking My Ass
* The Ratherington Post
* How Much Is That Selectric In the Window?
* 43 Years At CBS and Not Even a Freakin' Gold Watch to Show For It - Cheap, Back-Stabbing Bastards!
* Oh Yeah? Well I Wouldn't Come Back Now If You Got Down On Your Hands and Knees and BEGGED Me!... Although I Suppose It Wouldn't Hurt To Try...
* D!scount V1agra! - The GoogleBait Blog
* Vast Mainstream Wing Conspiracy
* Courage - The Blog
* Authenticated Signatures, Journalistic Integrity and Other Oxymorons
* It's NOT Bush's Fault (Just Kidding)
* Crouching Liar, Hidden Agenda
He might also call it IMAOpodcast.com, since heaven knows THAT one's not being used.
Any other possibilities?
Posted by: Harvey at
07:21 PM
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