June 30, 2004
Air America, the sleazy, pathetic commercial propaganda arm of the DNC, is having (and I'm being polite here) a few minor financial difficulties, and may not last much longer. When it finally goes off the air in bankrupt humiliation (my dead pool pick is February - I figure they'll be completely irrelevant after the inauguration), there's going to be lots of finger-pointing and blame passed around. There's also going to be a dervish of spin put on the "why" of the failure, and I expect it to give rise to such excuses as the following:
Contract with Satan guaranteeing Air America's success found invalid due to not being signed in blood.
Al Franken's thick glasses kept accidentally setting the studio on fire.
Randi Rhodes didn't talk about her nipples enough.
Too much money wasted on salaries, not enought spent on bribes to Clear Channel executives.
Rush Limbaugh depleted the nation's supply of Oxycontin, so not enough was available to make Air America's hosts witty and insightful.
Digital brownshirts kept smashing people's radios
Al Franken is Jewish, so Bushitler had him gassed.
The fact that Al Franken is still alive does NOT disprove this theory.
Air America staff constantly attacked by vicious hordes of rats and cockroaches, who, apparently, didn't appreciate the competition.
The Air America signal simply wouldn't carry. Not surprising, since vibrations in the electomagnetic spectrum tend to vote Republican.
Nobody was buying commerical spots. Even a NAMBLA spokesman was quoted as saying "we don't want our reputation soiled by these degenerates".
Air America had to shut down because of the McCain-Feingold campaign finance laws, which expressly forbid such things as speaking in direct support of a candidate, or speaking at all if you're dumber than a bucket of monkey spunk.
Although Al Franken created a lot of great material he would often flush the toilet before it could be retrieved.
I tell ya, I'll be sorry to see 'em go...
Posted by: Harvey at
07:36 PM
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June 23, 2004
I didn't vote for W., but after 9/11, I'm glad he won. I tremble in horror to consider the alternative. But while I'm thinking of things that didn't happen, how about how the War on Terror would go down if the 1980 version of Ronald Reagan would've been elected in 2000? We might have seen things like:
No Abu Ghraib scandal - you can't humiliate a dead terrorist
But if some of them actually lived, they would be humiliated by being dressed in harem-girl costumes and forced to do the "dance of 1000 jelly beans"
When asked to apologize, Reagan would say, "Ok, I'm sorry we let them live long enough to capture them alive. It'll never happen again."
However, being a sensitive kind of guy, Reagan would issue orders that terrorists are only to be killed with "very understanding hails of bullets"
Or "missiles of caring"
Or "napalm of love"
Upon receipt of terrorist threats, Reagan would just chuckle, order an airstrike, and quip, "Well, there you blow up again."
"I've always thought of America as "a shining city on a hill". Now I think of it as "a shining city on a hill that rains well-deserved death down upon murdering terrorist camel-humpers."
"Mr. Chirac - go find your balls!"
"Terrorism isn't the solution to the problem. Terrorism IS the problem. The solution is more dead terrorists."
"[N]o arsenal or no weapon in the arsenals of the world is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women. Of course the arsenals of the US Armed Forces run a close second, and unless you terrorists lay down your arms and take up knitting, you're gonna get a whole LOT of formidable right up your ass!"
"It is the Soviet Union that runs against the tide of history.... [It is] the march of freedom and democracy which will leave Marxism- Leninism on the ash heap of history as it has left other tyrannies which stifle the freedom and muzzle the self-expression of the people. And speaking of ash heaps, that's about all that's gonna be left of you terrorist bastards!"
"History teaches that wars begin when governments believe the price of aggression is cheap. History also teaches that wars end when all the goat-molesting piece-of-shit terrorists are dead. Stand by for a pop quiz, you Islamist assgremlins!"
"[G]overnment's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. My view of terrorists is equally brief: If it moves, bomb it. If it keeps moving, shoot it. And if it stops moving, empty the clip into it, just to be sure".
"The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'". The eight most terrifying are "I'm a Marine, and you're a dead terrorist."
"Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his. And victory is when the rivers of Iraq run red with the blood of terrorists."
Posted by: Harvey at
08:09 PM
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June 16, 2004
Since terrorists aren't invited to the Olympics this year (apparently SOMEBODY forgot to send their bribe to the IOC in time), it looks like the splodeydopes will have to sit around in the sandbox playing their very own assortment of special games:
Beard Braiding - little colored plastic beads are woven into lovely, intricate patterns in the men's facial locks, and the prettiest one wins! It's queer eye for the bomber guy!
Falafel Fling - With their bony little girl-arms being too spindly to lift anything heavier than a camel's tail, the shotput is out of the question. Instead, they'll be throwing spicy wads of deep-fried ground chick-peas as far away from themselves as possible. If you've ever had falafel, you'll agree that it's the only sensible thing to do.
Euphrates Swim - A simple contest. The goal is to make it all the way across the river as quickly as possible. Sounds easy, right? Of course, what they don't know is that Coalition forces will be dumping thousands of piranha into the river just upstream of the event. Hilarity will ensue!
Turban Toss - The winner of this event is the one who can most closely approximate the famous Mary Tyler Moore Show hat-toss freeze-frame pose.
Mecca Compass - Blindfold the jihadi, spin him around three times, and see if he can point to Mecca. Closest to the true direction wins. The rest are stoned as blasphemers.
Prayer Prattling - How many times can you say "Allah Akbar" in one minute? The current record is 117. Anyone who fails to beat it will be stoned as a blasphemer.
Burka Battle - 30 men dressed in burkas enter the ring and start hacking each other with scimitars. Last man standing is stoned as a blasphemer for wearing women's clothing.
Wheelbarrow Race - It's done with goats, and it's "pants-optional". You may not want to watch this one.
Koran Quoting - Contestants line up and are asked to recite verbatim from the Koran when given a chapter and verse number. One finger will be cut off for every error. And remember, "AIEEEE!" is NOT in the Koran. Last person still able to twiddle his thumbs is the winner.
Osama Hunt - Contestants hunt through Tora Bora to find their beloved leader. The person who finds any part of him big enough to take a DNA sample from, wins. In the event of a tie, the winner will be selected by the sample's weight, not volume. Although genetically indistinguishable, turning in goat parts will be grounds for stoning as a blasphemer.
Saddam Search - Scour every septic tank, and be the first to find the fearless leader of Iraq who vowed to fight to the death. (Note: the part of Saddam in this event will be played by a lame, one-eyed, castrated, impotent pig).
Checkpoint Charging - Contestants vie to get as close to a Coalition checkpoint as possible without getting killed. Remember, you can't get the gold if they give you the lead.
Closing Ceremonies - Survivors gather together in a circle to stone blasphemers
Posted by: Harvey at
07:34 PM
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June 09, 2004
With the war in Iraq failing to cause hundreds of thousands of civilian casualties and Bush's poll numbers looking solid, the loony left is beside itself with misery and has been resorting to increasingly bizarre behavior to get their message out. I'm sure it'll only get stranger as the election approaches. In the near future, I expect to see such things as:
Claims that the US committed "war crimes" by winning more than their fair share of Olympic gold medals.
Having a bake sale to try to keep Air America afloat. Ya gotta give 'em credit for having a really tasty hash brownie recipe, though.
Shocking America's sense of decency by staging fully-clothed anti-war protests on nude beaches.
Starting a petition to have Osama Bin Laden named as Kerry's running mate to lock the terrorist vote in a little tighter.
Threatening to post nude pictures of Michael Moore if Kerry isn't elected.
Sorry about the visual on that last one.
Insisting that the word "terrorist" be replaced by the more politically correct term "person of explosion"
Posted by: Harvey at
07:11 PM
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