July 27, 2006
In a cost saving move, the New York Times will soon be printed on smaller sheets of newspaper, and will cut over 1000 jobs.
Apparently blabbing the details of secret anti-terrorism programs isn't the money-maker they thought it would be.
And this is only the beginning of the exciting changes at the Gray Harlot. A number of other cost-saving and revenue-enhancing moves are in the works:
* Switching to discount brand "Gee, Your Whiz Smells Terrific!" urinal cakes.
* Eliminating wasteful i-dotting and t-crossing.
* Dumping over-paid reporters and getting news from know-it-all cab drivers.
* Instituting firm "no seconds" policy when hosting DNC fundraising dinners.
* Siphoning ink from New York Post printing presses.
* Hiring street-corner squeegee bums to clean the Times Building's windows, and cutting their harness ropes just as they finish the top floor.
* Switching reporters to a flat salary instead of the current pay-per-lie arrangement.
* Refinancing mortgage on the Times Building and paying off those high-interest Mob loans.
* Switching from regular printer's ink to much darker Hudson River water.
* Explaining to their paperboys that, for a mere $20 a week, they'll "make sure nuthin' bad happens to that nice little bike you're ridin'... which would be a shame".
* Using regular newsprint instead of that fancy, quilted kind.
* Stopping unrealistic "news stories unchallenged by bloggers for 30 minutes, or it's free!" ad campaign.
* Firing their fact-checkers. They just sit on the computer playing solitaire all day, anyhow.
* Cease using William Hung songs as subscription order line hold music.
* Waiting until Democratic candidate bribe checks actually clear the bank before giving endorsements.
* Replacing boring news stories with hilarious "Fun Facts About the 50 States" pieces.
* Which would also increase the paper's overall accuracy quotient.
* Saving on expensive photographer's fees by replacing pictures of President Bush with royalty-free chimpanzee clip-art.
* Replacing ink-wasting word "insurgents" with shorter "dudes".
* Three words - Arthur Andersen Accounting.
With these changes in place, the paper should be back on its feet, in the gutters, and raking muck in no time.
Posted by: Harvey at
09:40 AM
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July 20, 2006
For some reason, I was always under the impression that the protections afforded to prisoners of war under the Geneva Convention treaty only applied to uniformed soldiers fighting for countries that signed the treaty.
Apparently you don't have to sign the treaty.
But who am I to question? The courts have reached deeply into this mysterious document and discovered rights for terrorists like Lance Burton yanking doves out of his ass.
I suppose the next time the question comes up, they'll find that terrorists have the right to:
* A box of sand so they won't get homesick. Used kitty litter is not an acceptable substitute.
* A supportive visit from Cindy Sheehan (non-conjugal), and a bite of her vanilla fast cream.
* A supportive visit from a goat (conjugal).
* A cell phone to vote for the "America's Got Talent" contestant of their choice and/or trigger an IED.
* A gasoline-soaked American flag and a Zippo.
* Only be forced to make license plates if they say "I H8 USA".
* A Rock hammer and a poster of Raquel Welch.
* An iPod loaded with that hideous, screechy, wailing music they like. Anything by Kenny G will do.
* Soprano sax?... Dude... that is TOTALLY gay.
* A turban, or at least a stylin' fedora.
* Weekly viewings of "Team America: World Police" so that they can hear someone speaking in their native tongue.
* Access to the Bush Administration's top secret war plans. A New York Times subscription is also acceptable.
* A Koran, a prayer mat, and a Jew to blame all their problems on.
* A replacement Jew if that one gets blown up.
I'm pretty sure that they're also entitled to a bullet in the head, and I think it's a shame our troops didn't provide that a LONG time ago.
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July 13, 2006
So last week, North Korea launched some missiles, called the tests "a success" when one of the missile crashed into the sea after 42 seconds, declared that they have a right to ICBM's, and demanded one-on-one negotiations with the US.
Throwing things, lying, whining, crying... this isn't a nation, it's a tantruming toddler.
And like a toddler, North Korea and it's freakishly coiffed Grand Poobah of the Sacred Monkey Lodge (or whatever the hell his title is) will probably indulge in other bizarre behaviors designed to get attention. I speculate thusly on what Kim Jong Il might do:
Order pictures of a bikini-clad Helen Thomas to be painted on the noses of all North Korean fighter jets.
Change the country's name to "North Koran" to get more foreign aid from Muslim countries.
Accidentally drop his glasses in the toilet, then declare it to be a successful test of North Korea's "waterproof spectacle" technology.
Order airbags installed on all North Korean citizens to protect them from falling rocket chunks.
Tout Communism's documented success as a weight-loss plan. Move over Atkins!
Start doing press conferences in his bathrobe, which will keep "accidentally" falling open.
Actually read the Pajamas Media blog on a day when he hasn't been linked by it.
Call psychic hotlines and demand one-on-one negotiations with Miss Cleo.
Grow a matching poofy Hitler moustache.
Blame widespread starvation on an Internet Explorer security flaw.
Attempt to re-start production of the Edsel.
Attend official state military parades wearing a Hawaiian shirt, Bermuda shorts, black socks, and sandals.
Start answering the phone with "Ahoy-hoy?".
Teach the North Korean negotiating team the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique.
Order his army into South Korea. When South Korea complains, he'll look surprised, smack his forehead, and say "I knew I should've had them take that left turn at Albuquerque!".
Shoot Superman in the eye just to watch the bullet bounce.
Call President Bush "an iron-willed, straight-shooting cowboy who doesn't take crap from anyone" in a tone of voice suggesting that it was an insult, then giggle when Bush looks confused.
Break wind, then say loudly, "I AM FARTICUS!".
Only appear in public wearing a coonskin cap.
Wait... I'm sorry, that's actually his hair. Nevermind.
Claim that he can't help his war-like ways, because he was orphaned as a baby and raised by wild landmines in the DMZ.
If we're REALLY lucky, he might hire Bill Keller as his head of national security, but that's probably just wishful thinking on my part.
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July 06, 2006
Cindy Sheehan & Code Pink have started their "Bring the Troops Home Fast", where - in exchange for the following demands:
* The withdrawal of all U.S. from Iraq;* No permanent bases in Iraq;
* A commitment to fund a massive reconstruction effort but with funds going to Iraqi, not U.S., contractors.
they promise to eat regular meals.
Amusingly, Sheehan's idea of a "fast" isn't the normal one of "no food, just water". It's "a diet of water, teas and juices". Possibly the occasional Wendy's Frostie, too, although I don't know if soquids are allowed.
And for those who aren't even willing to give up solid foods - no problem! You can join in the "rolling fast", where you only stop eating on designated days. Yes, you too can share quality hunger-time with such celebrities as Susan Sarandon, Sean Penn, Danny Glover, Willie Nelson and the Rev. Al Sharpton.
"Stop eating on a designated day"? Guess what, Lefty Idiots, that's not fasting, that's DIETING. Of course "Bring the Troops Home Diet" just doesn't have that martyr-like ring to it.
I imagine, however that this "fasting with food" concept will probably inspire other weak, watered-down protest efforts that require no real sacrifice and have catchy names and the phrase "for the Troops" added so it sounds like they're doing something noble. Maybe protests like:
Poop for the Troops - Use the toilet but refuse to flush.
Death March for the Troops - Don't use your remote control. Walk up to the TV and change channels manually.
Fine for the Troops - Return your library books late.
Hubble for the Troops - When you take vacation pictures, make them slightly blurry.
Hobble for the Troops - Walk around your house barefoot until you stub your toe on a piece of furniture.
Fresh Step for the Troops - Go an extra day before cleaning your cat's litter box.
Get Moore-On for the Troops - Just keep eating until you're as fat as Michael Moore. If you're already there, shoot for Ted Kennedy.
Matte Finish for the Troops - Next time you wash your car, don't wax it.
Agent Orange for the Troops - Stand on the grass right next to a "Keep off the Grass" sign. Move along smartly as soon as a cop yells at you so that you don't actually get into any trouble.
Butterfatless for the Troops - Switch to skim milk.
Burning in the Flaming Cauldron of the Desert Heat for the Troops - Set your central air one degree higher than normal.
Myself, I'll be participating in "Stifle the Dissent of Stupid Neo-Hippies for the Troops" where I'll be mercilessly violating the free speech rights of anonymous trolls by editing their comments to make them look stupid...er.
Posted by: Harvey at
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