February 24, 2006
Wandering about the greeting card aisle this last Valentine's Day, I was struck by the fact that there seems to be a card for almost every occasion.
Except the War on Terror.
It occurs to me that Hallmark could make a killing if they expanded their offerings a bit, for example:
The Osama Fatwa Card:
Infidels! You make me mad!
Praising Allah's not so bad.
You must do things Islam's way,
Listen now to what I say.
Pray five times toward Mecca town
Women covered with a gown
No more pork and no free speech
No bikinis on the beach
Obey me lest I chop your head
Blow you up, and make you dead.
I return to my cave now after that.
To dine upon this tasty rat.
YUM!
Love,
Osama
If nothing else, it'd save the terrorists the trouble of making all those badly-dubbed Osama podcasts.
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February 17, 2006
I was tickled pink to discover that hard-core, ass-kicking US ambassador to the UN, John Bolton, has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for playing a major role in exposing Iran's secret plans to develop nuclear weapons. To bolster his chances of winning, they also included a list of his other notable achievements:
* Author of "China Shopping For Bulls - The John Bolton Guide to Diplomacy"
* During 6-party talks on North Korea's nuclear program, shook down the other 5 parties for their lunch money
* Bolton plans to use the money to finance a mission to nuke the moon, pending the outcome of a copyright infringement suit filed by Frank J.
* Once caused a pigeon to explode in mid-air, just by looking at it.
* Kicked Paul Bunyan's ass and founded the "Bolton's Babe-Burgers" franchise.
* Due to lactose intolerance, had all lactoses rounded up and imprisoned at Gitmo.
* Led Lyndie England around on a leash while mocking her genitalia.
* Prefers to kill people with his bare hands so that he can look into their eyes and watch their souls leave their bodies.
* Eats newly-release souls to fuel the growth of his moustache.
* Hates working for the UN, since few of the ambassadors actually have souls.
* 'STACHE HUNGERS!
* Successfully went in against a Sicilian when death was on the line.
* While not related to Michael Bolton, John does have a better singing voice.
* Of course, who doesn't?
* Once made a rock so big that he himself couldn't lift it.
* The flood waters did not recede from New Orleans quickly enough, so John Bolton drank them.
* On Halloween, witches frequently go out dressed up as John Bolton to frighten liberals.
* Plans to silence whiny California hippies by kicking the whole state right into the ocean.
* Went hunting with Dick Cheney, but used 'stache powers to deflect the birdshot.
* Buys dead-squirrel toupees from the same store as Donald Trump
* Favorite saying: "I like you. I'll kill you last. And by 'last', I mean 'first'."
* 'STACHE HUNGERS!
* When his term as UN Ambassador expires in 2007, plans to decapitate all the UN delegates he hasn't already killed so that he can at last be THE ONE and claim THE PRIZE.
* Used Kim Jong Il's poofy head as a loofah.
* Until Captain Kirk, the Klingons had no word for "surrender". After John Bolton, they will also have a word for "pants-wetting terror".
Of course, they neglected his most notable accomplishment - never having mistaken an elderly lawyer for a small bird.
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February 10, 2006
During Bush's State of the Union Address, Gold-Star Mother and crazed anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan was kicked out of the event for wearing a T-shirt that said "2245 Dead -- How Many More?".
Meanwhile, Beverly Young - wife of Congressman C.W. Bill Young, (R-Florida) - was given the boot for wearing a T-shirt that said "Support the Troops Defending Our Freedom."
Let's see, can't oppose the war... can't support the war... surely there's SOME t-shirt that's non-controversial enough to not get you kicked out of the SOTU address...
Maybe this Fun Cat Trivia T-shirt...
* Cats have 18 toes - 5 on each front paw, 4 on each back. If your cat has 19 toes, that means it's male and you're an idiot.
* White cats with blue eyes are deaf. White cats with one blue eye are deaf in one ear. White cats with glowing red eyes are witches. Drown them in holy water.
* A cat's normal body temperature is 102° F. unless it's trapped under a pile of burning books, in which case it's 451° F
* Cats have no eyelashes, so don't be suckered into buying Maybelline's "Catscara".
* Cats are colorblind and thus oppose Affirmative Action quotas.
* A cat can jump 7 times as high as it is tall, which impresses everyone except Chuck Norris.
* Cats can survive falls from great heights because their paw pads are made from the same material as Roger Rabbit's head.
* An adult cat blinks an average of three times per minute - about the same rate that Ted Kennedy drinks.
* Some common household objects are fatal to cats, like Tylenol, philodendron plants, anti-freeze, and bullets.
* Cats have A, B, and O blood types, just like people, which makes them good bait for vampire traps.
* Cats don't think of themselves as little people, they think of people as large cats. Therefore, in order to establish your dominance over them, you should pee on your cat's head every so often.
* A cat's fur has a thick undercoat which causes it to make the same sound as a baby harp seal when you club it.
* To a cat, litter-box-filler appears to have the same texture as Rice Krispies. Protect your breakfast accordingly.
* The average cat has 40 whiskers, or 10 more than Frank J.
* Catnip has the same effect on cats as marijuana does on human beings. The feline equivlent of Pink Floyd and Twinkies is still, as yet, unknown.
Of course, if you're LOOKING to get booted from the SOTU, try:
"A Danish newspaper published my Muhammed cartoon and all I got was this lousy fatwa."
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February 03, 2006
Now that Hamas has been elected to rule the Palestinian Authority, they've outlined their agenda for the first 100 days of their administration:
* Fire guns into the air while shouting "ULULULULULULU!"
* Bury people who died from falling-bullet wounds. Blame deaths on JOOOOOOS!
* Throw rocks at JOOOOOOS! in retaliation.
* Realize too late how stupid it is to bring a rock to a gunfight.
* Attempt to be superior to all other Arab nations by raising an army that can't be beaten by a troop of Israeli Girl Scouts.
* Double the current Palestinian Authority spending on education programs by declaring that suicide bomber vests will now be considered "books".
* Scale back plans to push the JOOOOOOS! into the sea, by practicing on a pile of tiny pebbles.
* Get asses kicked by a pile of tiny Jewish pebbles.
* Give up attacking Israel and start with something easier to conquer, like France.
* Which will then become known as "Paristine".
* Attend formal dinner with Kim Jong Il, in celebration of the fact that he now pronounces the country's name correctly.
* Adopt new national motto of "Palestine - all the violent terrorist thuggery of other Arab nations, but without all the oil."
* Fly the new Palestinian flag (see extended entry)... more...
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